Purpose?

"Do you really want to do this? Is psychology what you want to do?"

I might have said yes, but I really don't know.

Sure, I have it all in my head. I'm going to finish my degree here in the States, do my optional training for a year, sit for my GRE and get into graduate school to do a masters in child psychology or family/marriage counselling. It's all laid out, right?

Right?

While this might seem like a reason for concern, honestly, I'm not too worried. I know I've heard stories of many doing a degree in one field before stepping into a career that is absolutely different from what they had initially envisioned, raising concerns about the validity of investing in tertiary education. I've heard stories of gratitude from those who pursued their dreams, and tales of those who have wallowed in regret.

But what if that's not important?

What if I don't have to choose?

What if I don't have to pursue my dreams?

What about looking at opportunity instead?

I don't believe in restricting my career choices to a dichotomy of doing psychology or not doing psychology. I could still utilize my psychology degree in other fields, and even if I do end up becoming a family psychologist, that's not all that I am. I could be more.

And honestly, I don't think I even have to believe in the idea of destiny. That God has that ONE plan and purpose. Why does it have to be? Is that even biblical/godly in the first place?

If anything, it's outlined in His word that we are to become more Christlike, to pursue holiness and make disciples of all nations. Our lives are His, and well, no matter what I do, or where He takes me, there is always an opportunity to glorify Him.

So I really don't think I should be worried. Really.

Of two Vivians and a Dr. Tan

One of my closest brothers in Christ once told me that he could relate to my mental struggles. He said there were two versions of himself, A and B, and they always contradicted one another. He told me he learned not to succumb to the thoughts planted by the enemy, and to always remember God's love supersedes everything else and thus, to put Him first.

At first I didn't quite buy the whole analogy of having two versions of ourselves, but now that this conflict has materialized so prevalently, I finally understood what he said that night in the car, en route home via the NKVE. Because it's real, and it's happening, even right now.

It's crazy how much I over think these days. I could be doing something as mundane as washing my car, and instantly I'd be transported into an alternate reality where some of my biggest fears come to life. In real time I am a university student, bound to head to the States in less than six months; but in another universe, I am unhappily married to a man I don't love out of obligation. Well, that escalated abruptly, didn't it?

I'm crazy.

But fortunately, another part of me comes swooping in, summoning a word of scripture to bind the naive realist in me. I realize then and there, while wiping the moisture off my rearview mirror, that there is more to life than to fear about never finding someone to love. I remember what I'd told myself a year ago about what I'd wanted to do. I remembered my heart for Malaysia, for the children who didn't have the same opportunities as I did in the realm of education. I remember my desire to go to the States, to acquire as much knowledge and experience as I could, so I could come back here to make a difference in this nation.

And then it struck me.

I don't know how that's gonna work out, but I know God sees everything and it will all come to pass in time.

I don't need to worry, or fear, because He is in control.

A couple of months ago I attended a Christian psychological conference on culturally sensitive counselling. I remember a Dr. Tan expounding details on cognitive behavioral therapy. In doing so, he also addressed and debunked certain myths on psychology. I recall a specific mention on the validity of neutrality when it comes to our thoughts. Dr. Tan said that there is no such thing as a neutral thought. There are only thoughts, and each thought can either be positive or negative. However, it is important to remember that our thoughts are not who we are. We might think of something bad, or something good, but it does not mean it is or will always indicate our inherent nature. Rather, we have the liberty to reject thoughts we do not want, and replace them with the word of God.

And I guess I've forgotten that. I've forgotten to take a deep breath and realize that I am not my thoughts. I've just been trying to do everything myself and it's not working out. I've been so worried about what I'm doing right or wrong that I'm not putting my focus on the only thing that matters - JESUS.

I can't do this with my own human strength, I need to draw it from Him and then work things out. During the conference, there was another analogy I found relevant. I can't recall exactly what items were used in the example, but I will try and explain it according to what I remember. Our journey with Christ is like a path, that goes onward. In order to stick to this path, there is a light in front of us that guides us and keeps us on our focus. At the risk of sounding cliche, that light is God. Nevertheless, on the sides of the path there are distractions, and these distractions will move along with us as we progress onward. And these, you can't get rid of.

But as Christians, our duty is to remained focus on the light that will keep us on that path, and not turn our eyes to the distractions around us. If we abandon the pursuit of the light, we will remain engrossed in the insubstantial matters on the sidelines, that will never benefit us, but lead us to an endless reciprocity of hopelessness, fear and guilt. But if we keep our eyes on Him, we will live by the love of God and never lose track of what we've been called to, and whom.

And it's Him. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit.

I still have no idea how things are gonna be like two years from now. I don't know who I'm ever gonna marry, or if I even will get married. But I don't care, because I remember who I am, and what I've been called to do.

And everything else, is secondary.

The Lord is my Shepherd,

I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows,

He leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength,

He guides my every path,

bringing honor to His name

Even when I walk through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me

in the presence of my enemies,

You honor me by anointing my head with oil,

my cup overflows with blessings.

Sure your goodness and unfailing love with pursue me

all the days of my life

and I will live in the house of the Lord, forever.

Scripture of the week guys - Psalms 23. It's embedded in my head now, and I promise you I didn't copy that from the internet ahaha.

Amen.

Rufus dialogue

It's been a while since I've written a thoroughly introspective post.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty tiresome and spiritually degrading. There were times I sought after God, and there were times I forgot to. There were also times I deliberately refused to let go, out of my vain attempt to strike a balance between college responsibilities and my commitment to my faith. The vices I thought I successfully discarded a while ago threatened to cave in once again, and all of a sudden I wasn't sure where I stood. Complemented by challenges of my faith and the inadvertent reminders of my ugly past by the ones I made myself vulnerable to, the previous weeks have been laced with utter confusion and anxiety.

Don't get me wrong though, I'm not giving up. And that's not what this post is about.

If anything, things have become a little clearer now, in certain areas. I can't be sure that all my thoughts are the product of a sane psyche, but I can vouch that my mindset is constantly undergoing transformation and that learning has been inevitable. I've come across some of the most serious concerns I've had about faith and life thus far, but I can only be grateful that God is giving me a head start. As much as I'd like to think, "Ain't nobody got time fo dat", I need to figure these things out, especially in the coming months before I leave for the States. It no longer is a case of "what if" or "maybe"; the reality is that I will be leaving in eight months and I need to accept whatever "lemons" life throws at me now if I plan on surviving two years abroad, where the "citruses" are higher in their "level of acidity".

Anyhow, this period of slight melancholy and frequent conjuring of thoughts have helped me conclude a few things about myself. Oh, and when I say conclude, I do not acquaint these traits of my personality with the notion of permanence. In time, I may be a totally different person from the one I am now. But until then, I can only say that I am, these few things I will describe myself as, and that there is nothing wrong at all about my being. I would also like to further point out that I have decided to state these things not out of spite or to by any means demean anyone's self-esteem; I simply feel that this discovery is rather noteworthy as I understand the sort of person I am and more importantly, see how my distinct differences to others in personality displays God's sovereignty. So here goes.

1. I am a sensitive person.

If this was written two years ago, it'd probably have been a rant about how inconsiderate or ignorant other people are, in comparison with myself. I'm not saying I never complain or fail to point that out, but I'm starting to realize that there is nothing wrong with being just a little more careful, or sensitive in my interactions with people. I guess you could say that it's part and parcel of pursuing psychology as a degree, but I honestly feel that this is an important trait for everyone. Unfortunately, the reality is that not everyone can be.

I used to think there was something wrong with me because I cared too much. Every little things anyone else said mattered, especially those that sounded negative or were a prospective threat to my self-esteem. I could cry for days over that one insult that may or may not have intended to bruise my confidence, and only wake up after some sense was injected into me or after I discovered that the intention behind those words were not for harm. Currently, I still consider the things others say, be it negative or positive, but these words no longer dictate my worth as a person. Instead, my identity in Christ is what makes me, me. I am loved by Jesus, what more do I need?

Nevertheless, I have continued to remain sensitive to words. I may not take things all too personally as I once used to, but I still care. I care about whether my own words have hurt another person, and regardless of the possibility that it may have or may not have, I always opt to say I'm sorry for my words. I may not always be right when I come clean to people, but I know in my heart that I am accountable for my speech and my actions, and it is always better to clear things out upon the prompting of the Holy Spirit, than to dismiss what could be a siren of a depreciating friendship. So there.

2. There are no right or wrong people. There are only people.

For many years, it was deeply embedded in my mind that there were only certain groups of people I could associate with, and there were others I could not. As I mentioned in my earlier post, as children we are told to stay away from those who promote worldly influence and maintain relationships with those who appear good and all around holy, so to speak. But I've come to realize that love (and by love, I mean the love spoken about in the Bible, not the kind endorsed by the mass media) overcomes all things. It doesn't matter what vices these people are acquainted with - our duty as the stewards of this earth is to love them, for love covers a multitude of sins.

Perhaps I would not go so far as to say a complete conformity to people regardless of the worldliness or godliness of their character; but show love that is not bound by the morality of another person, or the sin of another person. As difficult as it is to understand, we are to hate the sin but love the sinner. Also, as people who have fallen to sin and are still living in the flesh that craves fleshly desires, who are we to judge others as we are imperfect ourselves? Yes, we are saved, but until we enter His kingdom, we remain human. And if our character and faith was so easily swayed by the worldly succumbings of our peers, what does that say about us?

Thus while we strive to remain pure and possess clean hearts, we should love unconditionally. Even Jesus hung out with the outcasts of his day, without ever defiling himself in the process. Instead, he showed love towards those who were shunned, and as a result they were transformed spiritually. In the same way God has shown love to us through His son, we should do the same unto others!

Furthermore, everyone is different. Often, away from differences in character, we are all different in our personality and our views of the world. We all see the world in our own eyes, and not everyone can envision what each person sees with their own eyes. That does not, however, take away the fact that people are still people, in spite of their ideas and perspective of life. When I talk to people, I try to pick up their character, their personality and their interests. Ever so often, I attempt to put myself (mentally at least) in their shoes and I can settle with the fact that I may not understand every single thing there is about any one person. As tough as can be, I try to acknowledge the fact that they are wonderfully and fearfully made by God in all their quirks.

3. A few friends > Large gatherings

I don't know if this points towards my being an introvert, but yes, I favor deep conversations I have with one or two people over going out to the movies or a sports session with five or more people. It's not that I don't quite have the opportunity or do not enjoy being in largely social situations - I think I spend more time with large groups of people than I do with just a single person. Personally, I just feel that the quality of interactions between a large number of people merely scratches the surface of what friendships really should be. Friendships, at least to me, are more than just having good meals, going to the cinema or having fun at theme parks. It is far more than discussing the happenings within the college faculty, or even church or CF per se.

I am more interested in you as a person, your thoughts and your (perceived) calling in life. Although I might want to hear your thoughts on world issues, ideology and faith issues; I am also interested in discussing more personal matters like family life and share our histories with one another. I want to know what you think about romantic relationships, your taste in music and your overall philosophy of life. Perhaps these things might sound much deeper than what we're all used to, but I expect to learn that about people as a friendship progresses. I don't just want to know you as a friend to another friend of mine that I've just met - I expect to actually be your friend. I want to invest time and effort in a friendship, regardless of the outcome. Frankly, I find large social environments a lot more threatening to these goals than I do with smaller ones. Nevertheless, I guess the rarity of deep conversations with specific people is what makes it all the more valuable.

So there you go, a dose of the very heart of my feeble mind. Yes, it pales in comparison with the psyche of the Heavenly Father who is above all things and who knows all things.

Disclaimer:
By writing this post, I am not implying that I am a morally perfect person or that I am self-actualized. I am a sinner, I am imperfect and I need God. And He has given me strength and wisdom through the Holy Spirit to guide me in my life daily. And for that, I am infinitely grateful.

Venti

I know I said I'd be on hiatus until finals is over, but I don't think I can stuff anymore Biology facts into my mind (because clearly my brain is not a giant, delicious roasted turkey) and I really need to vent after all that's happened in the past week.

Last week, up until yesterday night, I was successfully able to screw up my life by getting into a car accident at night, not prepare for my IPC and film presentations and just yesterday, destroy the trust of a friend come acquaintance who had been faithfully giving me rides to and fro campus pro bono. And the most devastating part of all of this, was that it all could have been avoided if only I had listen to my head and not my heart.

My parents tell me it's all part of a learning process. Their final sentence, after everything I've been able to say to them in shame and utter agony is never beyond, "You can't change what has happened. Learn from it." I honestly gotta admit, it pains me when I hear that, because time and time again I tell myself to shake it off and move on, but I end up screwing myself over - each and every single time. It's a vicious cycle, and it bites me so hard that I find myself unable to stand up again after each fall. I am always so astonished at how easily I fall for temptation, even after having reinforced it in my head over and over again. Upon sharing this with a friend, he remarked, "Temptation is ever present, and it will always be the pitfall of man." I don't recall exactly what it was he said, but I know it was somewhere along those lines. And damn, that hit me hard.

So what else would I have classically done, if not dwell in a little introspection and abashedly, self-pity? I will be honest, it didn't appear to me that way until I'd prayed last night, crying myself to sleep and discovering this startling epiphany in the morning. Every single time I'd made a bad mistake, all I'd ever do is burst into tears and start hating myself. I'd condemn myself for being such an incompetent person, and I'd verbally abuse myself into believing I was a dumb fool, and there was nothing I could do to change it. I couldn't very well blame anyone else for my incompetence because I made that decision, in spite of knowing what I really needed to do, so there. Therefore, it always boiled down to wallowing in self-blame, self-hate and inevitably, self-pity.

Last night however, as I recalled everything that happened to my parents, pathetically sobbing in the car, I realized I can't go on with such an attitude. I can't simply just react after something bad happens and expect people to sympathize with me. I can't just cry and expect the other person whom I've hurt to feel my pain and see me swallow my own guilt. I can't just "shake it off" and pretend nothing ever happened. I can't just do all of that, because life doesn't resolve itself - YOU DO. Instead, I realize now that I have to come clean and own up for my mistakes. I have to say "I'm sorry" not because I want to garner responses of "It's okay, it's not your fault", but because I genuinely am apologizing for my mistakes. I have to ACCEPT that whatever has happened, has indeed happened, and I can only remember not to repeat the same mistakes again if I am to effectively move on.

And so I prayed last night, the way I haven't prayed in weeks. I turned to the Bible and I practiced speaking in tongues. I initiated control over the situation, and asked God for help. In Philippians 4:6-7 it says, "Do not be anxious for anything but in everything through prayer and petition, present your requests to the Lord. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Never had I seen such a profound significance in the reading of the scripture since I was last on fire for God, which was a really long time ago. I won't say it's a flame yet, but there's definitely a spark. As far as chasing after God goes, however, patience is the order of the day, and I don't instantly reap what I sow.

Nevertheless, I am confident that soon I will regain my composure. Two nights ago I dreamt of the accident, and it all happened too vividly. I saw myself unconscious of the fact that I was driving, and as a result, I'd slammed the brakes all too quickly when I realized I'd have to come to a halt in order not to hit the car in front. And then the sound of the crash, resounding in the dream. Twice, and then some. I woke up in a state of anxiety, and I was afraid again. It was as if a mixtape of a trance track titled, "It was all your fault" kept replaying in the music player of my mind. I only told my mum and a close friend of mind about this, and now, this invisible dwelling of a literary amateur, yours truly. Having said all of this, I acknowledge I need to face my demons. I need to say "NO" when I have to. I need to be conscious of the decisions that I make, and evaluate the consequences of performing a certain action before I proceed with anything. There will not be a next time, in the simplest of terms. I will not succumb to reckless driving. I will not let the circumstances dictate how I fare - it should be otherwise.

The other thing my mum said to me was to establish focus. From the very beginning, my very aim was to get to a university in the United States and graduate with a bachelor's degree in psychology and a minor in mass communications. It didn't matter where God would have placed me, as long as the university is reputable and offers financial aid. Ivy League was out of my, well, league. But it didn't matter. There were other ways I could still achieve that, even if it had to happen a little later in life. Anyhow, with that goal in mind, my priority was to achieve academic and co-curricular excellence here in Malaysia before I transferred over to the States. Fair enough, as far as I've come, God has enabled me to achieve that, and even made it a bonus that I got to serve him as part of my ECAs, with my involvement in the Christian Fellowship. How could I have asked for more?

And yet what did I do this year to undermine that goal? First, I made a rash decision to get into a relationship because everything seemed so novel to me and I thought I'd "try it out". Once I got out of that blunder, I unconsciously went ahead to seek refuge from a group of friends, whom I felt would help me transition back into life better and I unintentionally led on a friend of mine to believe that I was interested in getting attached again. And if that wasn't enough, I'd went on to make a lot more stupid decisions to break my curfew, go out even though I knew I should be obedient to my parents and rip off the bandages of my unhealed wounds, thinking it was all gonna be fine. All that also came with a couple of damages I caused my car, and allowing myself to listen to negative thoughts as well as dismiss God so many times I cannot count. The more recent events encompass what I've said about last week.

So there, you see now what a mess I really am? As much as I'd overestimated the force of humanity to empathize with others, it really is my fault for setting myself up for failure. Thus, I will stop attempting to appease others and focus on the goal at hand, which is all of the above (two paragraphs above) and make sure I achieve it. Everything else is of less importance. And since I now have every bit of control of how I want to live my life, I will surround myself with people who are set on the same goals, who I can effectively encourage and expect to have their encouragement. The rest I shall keep at an arm's length, so I do not allow peer pressure to blow me apart and that I do not impose the pressure of academic excellence on those who have other aspirations in life.

But really, the one thing that struck me last night was what my dad said. I don't always talk to my dad, and when I do, we always end up arguing. We're both outspoken people, and we are professionals at asserting what we believe in with the most amplified of vocals, and therefore, our difference in opinion always results in verbal clashes. However, last night, my dad spoke for something he believed in not to undermine my opinion, but to provide insight. My dad imparted to me last night that there is no such thing as perfection - no one can be perfect, at any degree of attempt. He even went on to say that if you set yourself up to be perfect, you will indefinitely fail and if you expect that of your fellow peers, you will be greatly disappointed. I'd never seen myself as a perfectionist, but what he said exposed that facade of my personality. I won't say I'm ashamed of it, but I was then aware of it. And it was true, what my dad said. I had to make allowances for the mistakes and shortcomings of others, because I certainly was and still am susceptible to them myself. I could not expect others to be perfect, or even have the sense to empathize with my thoughts and beliefs because I have the same problems doing so, myself.

If there's anything good that came out of the self-imposed crap I had to undertake last week, it's clarity. All that introspection has somewhat rendered me constantly tired, but at least I don't have to carry this weight on my shoulders anymore. While I'm bombarded with a flashback of the past every now and then, I'm making a conscious decision to dismiss that thought and recite scriptures. I sometimes think God is crazy for wanting to test me with such difficult obstacles, but with every step I overcome, I become stronger.

Come to think of it, it's kinda like the obstacles are the ribosomes, and my increasing strength is the polypeptides synthesized from mRNA, which is likened to my character, by the ribosomes. The obstacles produce the best of me.

I seriously should get back to studying for finals.

A mental note

1. When people ask, "How are you?", do not ever go beyond a simple "I'm fine, thank you." Always assume that such gestures are out of courtesy and that not everyone is genuinely interested in how you're really feeling.

2. When being introduced to another person, always make it a point to personally introduce yourself by offering a handshake to the person being introduced to. Never just stand there awkwardly and ponder upon what was missing during the entire encounter before finally realizing you should have had some initiative.

So those were just a couple of things I constantly need to remind myself to abide by, each and every day of my life. I'm a strange kid, really. It might seem like common sense to most people, but I've lived with an inferiority complex far too long that I haven't quite established those rules in my social life. However, I am currently taking the initiative to do so by jotting it down, so I don't easily forget.

I'd really love to write more, but unfortunately, my finals start this Friday and will only end next Wednesday. And even then, I'll probably be off on a presumably grandiose escapade for about a day or two at a familiar setting and then some, so you'll have to wait a bit if you want a substantial post with pictures and what not.

Meanwhile, go ahead and enjoy your very lives to the fullest. It really is more interesting than you make it to be, if only you'd take it upon yourself to discover what it is.

God bless all of you, and have a great week ahead!

Un chien andalou

These days I find myself becoming a realist more than ever. Imagination doesn't easily entice me anymore - the wave of reality tends to sweep me back into this seeming pothole of stressful college life. Surely working life must be more tedious than this, and yet I fail to recognize the given graces I have received.

It's strange, really. I don't find excitement striding by the fiction novels section in the bookstore anymore. I don't prance about in glee when I see the new installment to the science fiction trilogy I was so ensconced with a while go. I examine the covers of recommended reads, read the synopsis at the back, only to discover that I've come across another cliche tale of two war torn souls, or of individuals attempting to start anew and yet have the past chase them.

It doesn't affect me anymore, and that in itself, affects me.

And you know what else is strange? Listening to M83's Hurry Up, We're Dreaming album about two years after it's release. Previously, I've only ever heard Midnight City, Reunion, When Will You Come Home? as well as Train to Pluton, but even so, in inaccurate order. I don't know why this matters to me, but it somehow does. I guess M83 just instills this sense of surrealism within your psyche that it arrests your ability to think logically and you somewhat just forget what you really mean to say in the first place.

Having said that, there's really nothing more satisfying than driving at a hundred on a highway, college bound, just as the sun is coming up while listening to Midnight City. Or any other track on the 2 disc deluxe album.

On a slightly more hopeful note, I think I'm a little more optimistic now in life. I've come to realize that it's okay to be me. It doesn't matter whether or not my college friends care about me or what I think, or whether they even see me as a friend in spite of my inability to connect with their thoughts in Mandarin. It doesn't matter that I don't have a boyfriend now in college and that my parents will see to it that I don't get involved in any relationships until I graduate. It doesn't matter what people say about my ability to speak Chinese, as long as I know fairly well enough that I can and that I am the decider of the language I choose to utilize in communication.

It doesn't matter that I hate being associated with individuals of a certain excessively populated group I constantly hang out with and not being able to hang out with people I think I can click with. It doesn't matter that once this semester is over, I may almost return to my state of loneliness again because chances are my Honey Boo Boo, Mei Mei and Kennard (no nickname for him) will drift apart from me, just as they did during the summer sem when I had no mutual classes with them. It doesn't matter that my opinions aren't counted for, because apparently everything I say is too complex and nobody wants to talk about the hard stuff so I'll just save them for the future when I get to give my very own TED talk.

It doesn't matter that I'll be stuck here longer than most of my peers, because at least I know what I'm getting myself into and I will be prepared for that life-changing moment when it comes. It doesn't matter that I'm a little slow at getting the things I want, or even need, because I know that life isn't simply about right here and right now - good things will come to us in the right way, at the right time. It doesn't matter that I have to have a little less, because my parents work hard for every single thing that I own right now, including this laptop in which I am constructing this blog post on and the broadband in which my connection to you is being established.

I couldn't be more grateful for having a little less, because it makes me appreciate life more.

I must admit, I was about to burst after all that pressure, and all the stupid questions people imposed upon me. I really didn't need another "Hey, you look tired, go and sleep," or an "Are you okay?" that comes out of obligation and of no concern. I often play it off pretty well when faced with the falsity of expressions, but this week was the final straw. I was just so tired, so tired of all the stupid jokes, of all the subliminal discriminatory antics, of all the unwanted innuendos. I had enough.

But if there's anything I've learned from the past eighteen years of my life where these situations have taken place time and time again, from primary school to high school and even now, in university, it's the fact that I don't need everything to be happy. I only have one decision to make, and it's important that I choose what is right.

And I choose happiness.

Therefore, I also choose sleep. Because I know well enough that I am simply tired, and that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I'll be fine again and all this anger will dissipate into the artificially cooled air I am currently breathing.

Je t'aime. One aunt.

Anthropologist

Before you question my credibility in writing this post, let it be known that I've been succumbing to isolation and sheer introversion in the past week and am in no position to justify my thoughts and actions. Everything you will read in the following paragraphs are the raw manifestations of the mental injuries I have been subjected to, so do try to keep your judgment as minimal as possible (if I may ask that of you).

Throughout my life, I can safely say that never once have I ever felt a permanent sense of social belonging. For one, I've never arrived at a point where I've totally conformed towards the values and behaviors of a social group. I could be well-acquainted with how things are run within the circle, or even pick up particular attributes that very well mark the individual with the collective, but I've never been known to totally immerse myself in the specifics and in turn, become one with the group. As much as I drive myself to exert the characteristics synonymous to the environment I am thrust into, there is no point of finality, or so to speak, social nirvana, for me. I will never bring myself to say that I truly belong, for there is always bound to be something that exhibits me as uncommon, or peculiar, to say the least.

Within every social group, there are a key set of characteristics that each member is well acquainted with and will exert in the course of their membership. It's a given fact, whether consciously or subconsciously, that we tend to bind ourselves to a code of conduct in order to reinforce our identities via the institutions that provide them. Even I cannot distinguish myself from this rule, for man is a social animal and therefore, I am. Most of the time however, I tend to lie on a continuum when it comes to the supposed ratio of compatibility I possess with members of a certain social group. As a result, I easily tire myself from the endeavors I forcibly participate in. Every day, I am reminded that assimilation is the general order, and conformity the price I pay to dissociate from my penchant of insecurity. I am barely amused by the living souls that contribute energy towards the sustenance of a circle, and I often find most people appalling.

Frankly, I am also aware that this distaste is mutual on their part. I could very well be minding my own business, expressing my personal thoughts towards any individual, and a particular character will somewhat find a way to spit out rebuttals with a waterfall of sarcastic phrases, gushing out to evoke fury within whom these statements are directed to. Suddenly, I am aware - aware that I do not belong where I am not accepted, where I am not loved, and that I should go.

Occasionally, I do find the exceptional human being in this endless search for solace. I am well attracted to the intellectual, philosophical mind, but it is just the same with a soul of sheer simplicity. I constantly admire how pure the latter's aspirations are, how little the expectations they hold unto life, and how easily amused and entertained they are, a trait reinforced by their oblivion towards sarcasm and dark humor. Their emotions are genuine - so utterly untainted, unlike the superficiality displayed by the average, ignorant person.

As for the former, I've always been intrigued by the cerebration of a complex mind, and it brings me comfort to know that there are others like myself, who still exist in this world and are determined to deconstruct it mentally, even if it meant to dwell in an alternate reality and take the path less traversed upon. Nevertheless, this faction remains in a relatively small number, and I have known some of them long enough to have seen them switch allegiances, giving way to peer pressure. Ultimately, I've seen some become so immersed in assimilating that they somewhat lose themselves in the process. I guess tragedy is inevitable.

Nevertheless, with every entry into and departure from the factions that have actively crafted my social web, I become enlightened. By building rapport with the people I am surrounded with, I learn a little more about the myriad of human attitudes towards life and the general demeanor they exude. With every conflict that rises within the circle, I probe into the complexities of human character and classify them into categories where need be. Ultimately, I generalize - I take into account the collective culture of a social circle and put them into boxes to be neatly tucked away in the recesses of my mind.

And that is why I have titled this post as such, for I see myself as an anthropologist - a social scientist who studies the origin, the behavior, and the physical, social, and cultural development of humans. Traditionally, anthropologists studied tribal groups but as there are no "undiscovered" groups remaining in the world, the focus of anthropology has shifted to industrializing and agricultural societies. It's a flexible and progressive field of study, don't you think?

Academia aside, I somewhat find this analogy rather adequate in describing my current circumstances. Perhaps things aren't as dull and uninspiring as it seems, but my judgment has been rather clouded as of late. I know I should be dwelling on the Word of God more frequently and I do find clarity upon reading scriptures, but there are moments when I just can't help but concoct secularist queries which somewhat undermine the ability of faith. I guess now that I've penned all of this down, I've got my answer and should therefore move on with my life.

But I am curious to know, what say you?

Letting go

The most difficult part about letting go is precisely that - just letting go.

You're almost there. You've done everything you've had to do, to deviate from the past and move on. You've become a whole lot more spiritual over the months, confiding in God. You've set some distance between yourself and the people who've hurt you, the ones who broke your heart. And you've finally reconciled with them, albeit conventionally. Time had taken it's toll and although you're no longer whole as you once were, the sutures between the broken pieces are finally closing in and you're almost alright again. Just almost.

And then it comes.

Thoughts. Words. Rumors going about, giving you a glimpse of something contrary to what you've striven to achieve so far. You hear them talk about the presence of a brand new persona, and the seams around your heart begin to loosen. You've held it in, you've buried it in the ground and now it threatens to surface once more. You pick up your needle and thread, quickly holding up your fragile heart and attempt to patch up the loose ends. As you create miniature piercings on your heart with the needle, something leaks. It begins like a subtle tune, and then it becomes a song. Soon it flows, and memories, both good and bad pour out. You panic and accidentally drop your heart on the ground - partially stitched, partially open. You watch it lie pathetically on the ground, but resort to pick it up again. Is it still beating? Is it still alive?

Or is it on the verge of self-destruction, dying as it withholds the heavy sewing it was subjected to?

And then the tears roll down your cheek. You begin to ask yourself, "What have I done?" You cry out, begging for mercy, asking for a brand new heart. You just want to forget, and start all over. How will you ever restore it to it's original condition? You don't want the world to see you like this. You curse yourself for letting the memories burst out at the seams, although you aren't entirely to blame. But you know the world is cruel, it will not change your circumstances to suit your current state of having no composure.

You'll have to adapt.

So you go back to Step 1 and begin the same process all over again. You isolate yourself. You avoid silence in public, but delve in it completely in private. You rely on God all over again to provide you with strength, with wisdom. And you continually remind yourself that it is over, and that whatever surfaces is irrelevant - just a fragment of your subconscious mind poking humor at you. You dismiss thoughts, replace them and distract yourself with everything else. And you try to move on. Soon enougn, you regain composure. You reconcile with time, and your heart seems alright.

But you know it isn't the end. Something will strike you, and render you to succumb to misery all over again. And the next thing you know, it's rinse and repeat. Will you ever escape this cycle?

However, this time you recognize it, and that you try to fight back. You try as hard as you can to retaliate. The chances are slim, but you do it anyway. You might lose the battle, but you know you'll eventually win the war. You know you're more than this, more than flesh and bone and they try to kill you from the inside.

But as long as you fight - as long as you don't give in, you haven't lost. Just because you're losing, it doesn't mean you've lost. And you persevere.

Nuggets : College prom

I guess going to prom stag wasn't too bad after all.

While I didn't get to dance (unless you count that one time I got my move on at the next table), everything else was much better than I'd expected it to be. It almost seemed as if every element of my high school prom that I'd absolutely loathed was redeemed by this one, from the details in the fabric such as the photo booth and the music, to the entire tapestry of the event - how the sequence of events were fabricated altogether. However, I won't say it was entirely impeccable either as the entire event was quite seniority-biased and did not exude as much grandeur as my high school prom, since it was held in a small scale. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the company I went with, and I was absolutely struck by the array of obscure songs in the playlist (TNAF, M83 and SHM. What more could I ask for?) As a self-acclaimed music connoisseur, the play list for the night inevitably covered all flaws.

All in all, I'm glad I went for prom. Although it was the ultimate causation to a tonne of stress as it was a last minute decision, I had a pretty decent time and plenty of memories to withhold for years to come. I'll probably have to skip the following prom though due to financial concerns, but I definitely have had a generous dose of promenades to last me a lifetime.

Anyhow, I won't leave you readers empty handed, especially not after attainment of probable philosophical revelations in life. So here are my two cents worth on how to make the most out of your prom stag, in list form.

1. Go to prom with company you know you'll enjoy being around.

Choosing good company to attend prom with can make a world of a difference. Always attend prom with people you're compatible with, and go in relatively larger groups so as to maximize the experience. While inclusiveness is a virtue worth investing in, prom might not be an event worth experimenting such a notion on, especially since it isn't cheap, and attending such an event with people who aren't there to cooperate and add to each other's experience will somewhat set you back - something you'll find when you reminisce the past in future times. 

2. Have as many Kodak moments as possible. 

If going to prom with your groupies doesn't equate to the term photo op, I honestly don't know what does. Not having a date for prom does not mean lesser photo opportunities or memories; in fact, it is quite the contrary. With no strings attached to anyone for the night, you're free to go around and ask for photos with the people you care about and the people you love without having the concern of leaving your date to his/her own devices for a prolonged period of time. This doesn't mean that having a date will decrease peer-based photo ops, but indefinitely, there are perks of being young, wild and free. 

3. Diversify. 

While it's nice to hang around a group of peers you've been accustomed  to, it's even better to associate with peers you don't necessarily spend plenty of time with. Head over to the neighboring table and initiate a brief conversation with someone you've seen around in college but never really got to know. Ask that one friend you've found an interesting specimen (ugh, science) out to the dance floor with you. With reference to the previous point, use the dress code as an excuse for a photo op with everyone and anyone. In summary, abandon your inhibitions; just get out there and have a blast!

I don't usually format my posts in such a manner, but I do think that it would serve as an initiative into making this blog a more purposeful platform of self-expression. In my opinion, this blog should not merely be a source of reflection, but an arena for the advocacy of insights that will aid or inspire others in the course of their lives as well. As cliche as it may seem, I've always believed that my writing will serve a greater purpose than to gratify the active persona, the self as subject, the "I". Instead, it should also consist of the self as object, the "me" which not only revolves around my perception of myself, but the perception of others as perceived by their actions, with the inclusion of myself.

And once again, that is what sociology/social psychology/psychology does to you. But I digress.

So there, college prom in a nutshell. Somewhat.

The Conundrum

There is no us.

It only is just me, and you. Two separate beings, living our own separate lives and pursuing our own dreams. Accomplishing the things we've been after all our lives, and seeking to fulfill the aspirations that have been embedded within us since childhood or possibly, birth. Spending quality time with our own friends and grasping the present as quickly as we can, before our youth becomes a fragment of the past. And just as desperately, we yearn for the future to advance upon us.

I've given up trying to find that piece of a puzzle, at the risk of sounding cliche. Time and time again, I've tried to seize every opportunity that I have into unraveling the tangled web of your intellect and interests, only to find that I become even more confused. I've laid myself bare, as difficult as it was for me to do, and yet sometimes all I ever attain is a generous amount of indifference. When I do receive some form of feedback, I encounter new riddles I have yet to discover the answer to. As culturally relative as I try to be, I absolutely detest it when one beats around the bush over a long period of time, to the extent that the original intended message is nullified. I wear my heart on my sleeve, reveal the parts of me you constantly wondered about and all I am given in return is a shrug and a sigh. And that's only if I'm fortunate and discern enough to hear it expressed. I would give anything to penetrate that seemingly everlasting silence.

I've come to see that there is in fact, no way towards reconciliation. The further I attempt to reach out to you, the further you seem to drift away. Every ounce of my courage is wasted every day with optimistic thoughts, the desire to mend the subtlest of bonds between us, in the least. And yet every day my efforts are fruitless and my persistence remains futile. The more I consciously work to erase the bitterness, the resentment and the overwhelming sense of regret that encumbers me daily, the more I unconsciously fall prey towards the forces of emotional vulnerability. Then, I am forced to put on a mask and uphold a facade that exudes charisma, grace and immense joy. While with the grace of God, I often am able to retrieve myself from what is perceived as a bottomless pit, it doesn't make me any less human or any more divine, than I already am. I still feel. And I do feel hurt.

But all I can do is smile. They say that if you're down, the only way you can go is up. Well, perhaps that's true - what occurs from this point onward is beyond my control, so why not focus on the things that do require my attention? If there's anything I've learned from all this anguish, this never ending frenzy of conflicting opinions and mental paradigms, it's appreciation. To appreciate those who love us, and love them back. To express our gratitude to those who have helped us along the way, in our inhibitions, in our silence and in our uttermost pains. To relate to the underlying sentiments deeply engraved in the souls of others, and be part of a camaraderie that is formed on the basis of the points advocated formerly.

After all, is it not true that all we ever want is to feel accepted, to feel as if we belong and to feel loved?

Daily, I seek to love. I choose to arrest the broken ones - the ones who have fears but are brave enough to face them, as well as the ones who have hurts but are courageous enough to forgive, and express my concern for them. I try to show as much affection as I can through speech and action, pray as earnestly as possible for their needs and allocate time if there is ever a need to address the faults and challenges we encounter in our lives. I need to be the best kind of friend I can be to whoever it is, because my conviction is that no one should have to deal with such matters alone, given that it took me a great deal of trial and tribulation to overcome the bitter portion of my life. If I can illuminate God's love unto others just as God did for me, I will not cease to do so.

Without a doubt, I admit I couldn't find a solution to my personal troubles. But perhaps some matters are best left undefined. If you can't figure out Y, it's probably best to leave the X alone.

I am done, and I'll call it a night.

Nuggets : The Big Picture

Because I've let go, and I'm letting God.

After almost an entire week of innately dying in utter agony, God finally intervened. It was such a wake up call. Things had to change, for it to be better. I needed to be healed. I needed to pull through this, without constantly having to do it alone. I needed God.

And today, I've concluded that I've found Him. He's always been there. But my focus has returned. Just clarity. No paradoxes whatsoever. Just pure CLARITY, in every sense of the word.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without my mother and my siblings in Christ. They have been there this entire time, ready to remind me of what was important lest I forgot. And they were there this evening, when I needed them the most. I needed them to help me set my eyes back on God, and they did just that. This post's title was derived by my mother. This evening, she taught me to see the big picture, and I saw it as she'd described it to be. Unseen, yet prevalent. God's master plan, a work in progress.

So I've erased every memory. I've extracted and removed every form of attachment. I've nullified every form of resemblance to the faculties of this world.

But ultimately, I've come running home to the Father.

I can rest well tonight, knowing that I've let go. It's been a pleasure meeting you, I have to say. I was enchanted by your intellectual demeanor, your hippie insights and your foreign perspectives.

May God bless this broken road, that'll lead me straight to the REAL him, eventually.

As of now, the Lord is my shepherd, I have everything I need. That is all.

Finally

"These forms of accountability and seeking God certainly have their place. But make sure you are doing it for the right reason. Are you placing expectations on your relationship that God Himself does not have? Are you pursuing holiness in order to earn the reward of marriage? Are you trying to perfect your love life apart from the grace and mercy of God? By trying to avoid idolatry of a person, are you idolizing the perfect relationship instead? 

Where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more: What would it look like to date in the freedom of that reality? What would it look like if the goal of dating was not the perfect marriage, but a better love of God and neighbor? Would that spell the end of random devastation like the one experienced by my friend? Not entirely, but perhaps Christian dating relationships would be a little less riddled with angst. And freed from the pressure to “get it all right,” we will find Christ’s yoke is so much lighter than the burden of perfection."

The excerpt above was taken from this article HERE, which my friend sent to me, with thoughts that I would find this an "interesting" read. Well, indeed it is.

The past month has been seeing me confused and disillusioned from the spark of various thoughts and queries. I still don't find it safe to say that I've been completely set free of anxiety and pain. While I'm mentally accepting the fact that the past has to stay in the past and I have to move on, matters I cannot understand unconsciously spills out of my hippocampus, forming strange dreams that make no sense at all, or dreams of what used to be, a prospect now null and void. It's moments like these that often make me question myself and wonder why I did whatever I did and I begin feeling anxious all over again. Regret pays me a visit, and I'm forced to come to terms with myself and ask myself over and over again, why, why, why?

And I'm forced to say, I don't know, because I truly didn't. I was just lost in the frenzy of mental activity that I'd truly forgotten why I made all those decisions a month ago.

But now I see what the matter really is with me. I see what it is I'm doing. I'm centralizing my entire life towards this one matter, constantly working to further myself and find inert peace, only to fail and search somewhere else for an alternative source, and fail again. That is precisely what I'm doing.

I'm investing all my time and energy into fixing this perceived "problem" with hopes that once it becomes fixed, I can safely move on, but we all know that isn't true. The more I choose to deal with it, the more it deals with me. And trust me, it sucks. If you were in my shoes, undertaking those sleepless nights, you'd probably feel like verbalizing your inner anguish by screaming, "JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!", like I actually do.

Thing is, I thought whatever I did was going to please God, because I thought it would. I earnestly, honestly, sincerely thought it would. But I didn't know better. I'm learning now, but I still don't, really.

I won't say I'm drawing up conclusions based on this one "interesting" web article that conveniently happened to pop right in the midst of all the pandemonium in my life. I won't base my verdict according to what I feel I am convicted to do. The last time I tried correlating God's will in my life to the events that occurred, I made what could possibly be the most rash decision in my life, EVER. See, that was what it was - I oversimplified the entire thing based on coincidence and took it all too seriously after. And then I suffered from my mistakes and laid in utter agony for 2 weeks. And then I "moved on".

However, what I'm advocating is this - letting go of the past and letting God. The more I try to solve this equation, the more complicated it gets. Only my best friend is the most fit at solving equations, anyway. But that's besides the point. The point is, I have to stop trying to move on. I have to stop trying to become a better person. I have to stop trying to overcome my fears and find the right people to befriend. I need to stop trying to hard to do all these things on my own, when God is already offered me a hand and is saying, "Do you need help? COME TO PAPA!"

For in Matthew 11:28 it says, "Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."

So I'm taking His offer and I'm on my way to find peace, and rest.

The only thing I can do at this point, really, is to learn. I need to learn to learn from my mistakes and not mope about in misery. And no, that wasn't a typo. I need to learn, TO LEARN. I need to stop thinking that screwing this up ultimately means that I'm screwed for life. Instead, what it only means is that I will learn from it. I may have gotten it wrong that time, but that only means if I'm faced with this again the next time, I'll definitely get it right. I gain something new from every experience and as long as I do, I have nothing to lose. Unless you're talking about one's virginity. Then, NO. JUST NO.

At the risk of sounding cliche, I can't change what has happened. But I can change the consequence to my actions. I can learn from this. It's funny, isn't it, how it took this long for me to understand why I felt what I felt and why I did what I did?

But God's here, and He's going to fix things. That's all that matters.

Everybody leaves in the end

I guess listening to The Temper Trap while attempting Calculus wasn't a very good idea to begin with, especially since my final quiz is in about an hour.

All my life, I've never really understood what it meant to say goodbye. Does goodbye mean bidding someone farewell for eternity, proclaiming that they're officially out of reach? Or does goodbye suggest the prospect of a temporary hiatus, whereby one is only as distant as the period of their absence? Or is goodbye just something you are obligated to say whenever there is a need to escape, to be ensconced in an alternate reality whose beauty far supersedes that of reality?

While I would be grateful if any of my rhetorical questions actually do possess answers, all these questions do not change the fact that departure is inevitable. People will come, and soon they will go. If there is anything socially substantial that ADP has taught me in the past 5 months, it is that resistance against the system is futile, for those who are destined to depart from your life will eventually do so and those who are called to remain will stay. As of now, it seems that the total number of individuals departing from my life exceeds those who remain and those who have just become my acquaintances show no sign of increase into the level of friend. I guess I am still tied to my inhibitions, and have not completely come out of my shell just yet. Sigh.

But life goes on. I have to keep trusting God and believe that He knows what He's doing, and therefore, I must continue to pursue life as it comes. There really is no other way around it.

So here's to the end of this semester, and the beginning of a new endeavor in life.

I don't need your "love"

Sorry Calvin Harris, while you and Ellie Goulding make such a convincing couple on screen, I can't buy that shit. I apologize, bruh.

This may sound peculiar, but at this very moment, I'm contemplating on abstaining from mainstream music for the next few weeks or so. Over the past week, I've been getting extremely annoyed with all the generic tracks I've been hearing either in public places or on the radio due to the fact that they all have one thing in common - they all revolve around the theme, love.

It's easy to say you love someone, without comprehending what you mean when you express it. It's also easy to say that love is a feeling, given that most people connote the word "love" with the emotions one feels in a relationship, particularly romantic ones. On the other hand, the term "love" as defined by mainstream media depicts a state of trance, paradise, solace, a firework of refreshing sensations and ultimately, ecstasy. I don't know about you, but earnestly, I see it everywhere. I find it prominent in movies, in mainstream music videos (and the occasional hipster one as well), in ads and most evidently in books, which is also another reason why I've abstained from sci-fi and fantasy novels for the time being. If you are argue with me on books, kindly desist because the fact that a certain read known as 50 Shades of Grey actually exists nullifies the validity of your argument in the first place.

However, the direction I'm going in isn't a thoroughly loathsome one, where I begin complaining about how inaccurate these definitions of love are. I have no intentions of imposing my two cents on anyone today in this state of mental fatigue, and I have no plans to do so at least for now.

Instead, what I'm merely trying to say is this - I am SICK and TIRED of seeing the notion of LOVE being casually inculcated into every single bloody generic song there is on the face of this earth because nothing else on this earth matters to anyone, other than hitting the club, getting high, making love and going skinny dipping on some fancy beach on an island off the coast of Central America (go ahead, pick one).

Honestly though, I'm just saying.

Therefore, I have concluded that abstinence is the terminal solution to this matter. Until the world (the media, to be precise) stumbles into utter realization that their portrayal of love is completely biased towards secularism and possibly incorrect, I will be forced to turn a deaf ear to a major part of my life which is essentially, music. Sure, I might still be tuned in to Christian rock and other related genres and perhaps some of the obscure bands I currently listen to (given that they write songs about matters not pertaining to romantic inclinations), but that's pretty much just it. I don't think I can live another day with the bombardment of tracks that promote feelings of ecstasy or even creative ideas on how to get even with your ex-boyfriend although it was obviously your fault. I'm quite sure you know who I'm referring to in the latter (Taylor Swift, that's who *coughs*), but hey, we all have those moments. At least, we girls do. Sometimes. Okay, maybe a couple more than that, but I digress.

Furthermore, I refuse to allow myself to slip into misery once more. While music may not impact other individuals directly, it affects me profoundly. There was a point in my life where I was addicted to music - it was the main outlet of ridding myself of frustration, albeit a temporary one. I used to drown myself in tracks of teenage angst after a devastating emotional ordeal in order to stray away from reality or simply to reinforce the practice of self-pity. After all, being able to relate to a song slowly renders you in animosity towards others, thinking them all predator to a fragile soul when in truth, they are all oblivious to your sorrows. Recently, this phenomenon has somewhat returned due to emotional vulnerabilities and I have to admit, I've been listening to music for hours on end as a form of withdrawal and it's certainly not healthy. My attention deficit has skyrocketed in the past few days and I have been too phlegmatic in the past few days to do any actual studying. In fact, I have a mass communications test tomorrow and yet, here I am, ostensibly dealing with my psyche, even after attempting catharsis by watching clips from The Breakfast Club and listening to Don't You Forget About Me for the umpteenth time.

Oh, how I amuse myself sometimes (literally).

I believe this is the moment I make my escape from the world of psychedelia and return to the unappealing and afflicting realm of reality. In accordance to the statement, my best friend says I am such a pessimist pertaining life. I argued by stating the age old deduction that for a pessimist, I am pretty optimistic, but all in all I can only say that time will tell and as of now, life appears darker and more sinister than ever.

But it has been a pleasure. Really.

The theory of happiness

Hypothesis : The lesser you expect from life, the happier you will be.

Sometimes the only way to attain understanding about a specific aspect of life is to deduce it scientifically. After all, you don't acquire much from dealing with matters emotionally.

Anyhow, this week has been a pretty bipolar one altogether. I don't mean to romanticize every single aspect of my mental health or my social life, but honestly, it's been a hard hitting week. I won't bother with the details, but all you really have to know is that I've been enraptured in an emotional fluctuation all week ranging from suicidal propensities to sudden peaks of immense joy. It has been a long and hard battle against confusion and anguish, but I'm glad that I've managed to overcome with strength from God and endless prayer from my loved ones. While I found myself more emotionally stable today, I'm not going to slip into an affluence of comfort just yet. There is plenty to be done in mending my mind and soul, and there is absolutely no way that I should remain lackadaisical in this crucial period of time.

On a lighter note, the past two days have been rather productive. I've finally received my History mid-term score and I have to say, the outcome is worth rejoicing over. While a 13/15 may not sound like much to the avid partaker of history, it is a number sufficient in providing me a sense of satisfaction. It was the highest score my History lecturer dispensed anyway, given that our section did relatively well in comparison to the previous section. I was a little crestfallen though when I discovered my best friend received a similar score, but all in all I'm pretty satisfied with what I've achieved. After all, I'd only drafted my essay a week prior to the test while he had been working on his in a matter of weeks. Moreover, I've been paying more attention to my Math this week and I'm beginning to witness change in my mathematical ability. Honestly, I won't be able to tell just yet, but I'm confident my quiz scores will reinforce the notion of my improvement.

Other than academic matters, I've been pretty psyched about having friends from church on campus. I'm still taken aback by the fact that I finally bumped into Aaron four months after I've been enrolled in university. I've always known he was a culinary arts student on campus but I never did see him as he was still on his semester break. However, I finally got to say hello yesterday at the food court while I was having lunch with Sam (who's also a friend from church) and a few other business students. Furthermore, I didn't have to sit alone at the library again today since Sam was there to accompany me as well (that's one point for being less socially awkward on campus!). On a different note, there are more familiar faces as well from high school on campus, so that's an added bonus as well to my week :)

All in all, it has been rather refreshing to see some familiar faces in a new environment. As for my fellow ADP course mates, I think it's pretty safe to say that I've come out of my shell of indifference and am adjourning into a more people-centric paradigm as time goes by. Today's excursion to SS15 for food with the MATH171 trio was pretty interesting under the circumstances and I even bumped into my high school classmates from INTI and Sunway respectively. Also, the History debate will soon prove itself a worthy discourse and my recent admission into the photography club may serve as a game changer. Nevertheless, things are certainly looking up now, albeit progressively as I live by faith.

Conclusion :
Expectations aren't necessarily inversely proportional to happiness. This theory only functions if  we expect less of something and attain more of it eventually. However, if that does not occur, happiness will remain at a decline and life will become stagnate. If we do not strive to fulfill higher expectations, how do we improve our quality of life? Furthermore, is happiness merely defined by the fulfillment of one specific criteria, be it material or emotional? Happiness is defined by satisfaction, by being grateful for what one has and not by the attainment of what one does not have and continuously harps about having.

In succinct terms, we define what happiness is. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but no one should have the right to impose it upon others.

So perhaps that wasn't a credible scientific conclusion. However, as I mentioned, NO ONE should be allowed to impose their opinions of the notion of happiness upon others, for it may nullify the pursuit of one's happiness by parting them from their convictions. Everyone should be allowed to think for themselves what is truly fulfilling in life and if it is found to be incorrect, they should also be allowed to return to their initial position and begin the same process in its entirety.

But the question is, is the hypothesis accepted?

You decide.

Nuggets : Overthinking

Over thinking literally kills. You don't just suddenly jump into the conclusion that the best solution to a problem is to commit suicide - it surfaces as a consequence of delving in over-analysis and the fabrication of untruths we choose to believe in.

While my suicidal propensities are now the thing of the past, the sudden return of the insomnia I was once affected by in childhood prompted me to ponder upon the intricacies of over thinking; as if ruminating over my misfortunes wasn't already a daunting prospect. I don't know about my fellow insomniacs, but my inability to fall asleep with ease is accredited to analysis paralysis. My mind spends hours roaming aimlessly through various thoughts, birthing new conclusions with each mental endeavor or in Shakespeare's words, "sickled o'er by the pale cast of thought".

I shouldn't continue probing for a valid explanation towards this phenomenon, really. Admiring the Centipede's dilemma hasn't provided any solutions to my dilemma. Moreover, I am slowly diagnosing myself with various psychological theories, such as the concept of "extinct by instinct" (which by the way is a total opposite of analysis paralysis) as I attempt to ex cogitate on what went wrong in the past week. But as much as my inquisitive nature prompts me to do so, I must restrain myself at once.

And I will. Perhaps.