Video update: Church

I don't think I've specifically updated anyone on here about my churching issues, but hey, this should probably answer some of those questions. Here I talk about what I learned from church and what my church is like.

I decided on a video format because honestly it takes lesser time to talk (although yes that's half an hour) but my dear, I spend hours on end crafting a written post, so this would've been the faster alternative.

I hope this answers some questions, and yeah, feel free to PM me if there's anything I need to clarify or expound further on. Let me know how I can pray for you guys as well, yeah?

Peace out.

The truth

I've noticed that whenever any Christian tries to raise the topic of sin, judgment and the wrath of God, other Christians tend to shut those queries down with something along the lines of "That's very discouraging, you'll hurt their self confidence."

But what if self-esteem isn't Christian? After all, we are hopeless, horrifying, crappy little beings who went against a holy God, and we so well deserve His wrath. It is only by the Cross that we have any cause to rejoice, because it is by Christ's propitiation that we are counted as righteous, even though we clearly aren't. If anything, we don't count on ourselves as worthy. Rather, our confidence is in Christ, who made us count as saints even while we are sinners.

When we talk about sin, we usually address it as just some bad things we need to NOT do, and people who aren't Christian will do those things. But that's not a full picture of what sin is. We cannot reduce the magnitude of sin by transforming it's meaning from lawlessness/rebellion against God to simply moral wrongs. By doing that, we undermine the grace and mercy of God through the Cross and easily determine ourselves to be our own Savior, thinking we have authority and control over our lives. But we don't. Sinners are attracted to sin, we don't do the good we are called to do.

However, as Christians, people of God, we have accepted Christ in faith and have the Holy Spirit within us. We become renewed beings, dead to our old selves and made new by the work of the Spirit. Now belonging to Christ, we are transformed. We don't learn to leave behind our old ways, therefore creating a schism between the supposedly holier than thou preacher and a new believer, we simply leave it behind because we fathom what weight the Cross carries and we pledge our allegiance to Christ. In other words, we become a Christian.

Yes, we still are inclined to fall. We live in very interesting times, where Christ has come and is still to come, between creation and the new creation. But no matter how many times we fall, we know that Christ has paid the price of sin for all time, therefore imputing His righteousness to us. We struggle with sin and are enabled to repent and return to the Cross, counting on God's faithfulness and grace to be our source of sanctification. And we trust that the Lord will complete the work that began in us.

We need to paint the full picture of the gospel. It's not one that leaves us happy and comfortable with our lives, but one that compells us to live in submission to His will which is in accordance to His word. There's no way we can take the "not so desirable parts" out and still preach a true gospel. We would only be so naive to think that. Yet if you think about it, this truth offers us immense comfort. This offensive and radical gospel takes the weight off our shoulders and grants us confidence not in ourselves, but in God. He chose us from the very beginning - not because we are somehow righteous or good (which clearly we're not at all), but because it is for His glory, through His love. He knew we would never be able to acquire it by merit, through the law, so Christ and the Cross was the answer.

This has been as far as I've understood the gospel in the past couple of months. If, however, there has been a mistake or a need to clarify something, please by all means, message me. In the past few months I've met so many people who have been struggling like me with what the gospel really is, as a result of a lack of/complete absence of biblical theology and doctrine education within the church. We don't know what the Bible says, we only know what we think it says. We talk about a loving God, but we don't define what love is biblically. We are unsure of Christ's role in Christianity, and that's grave because everything in the old and new covenants points back to Him. We have confined the Holy Spirit to the supposed displays of power via the supernatural that we forget the Holy Spirit lives within us when we have faith in Christ. We have prioritized social justice to the extent that we forget that evangelism is not merely the doing of good works but the preaching of the gospel where it is unheard.

So how can we blame others who see us Christians as hypocritical? And why are we surprised when we have to suffer for doing what is right, in submission to His will, for His glory? Christianity is countercultural and no amount of frills/hipsterity will ever change that.

If we know the gospel and understand what it is, we see that we only ever had two choices to begin with: 1) To submit our lives under the lordship of Christ, or 2) to continue rebelling against Him.

That's as raw as it gets.

New eyes

It's not going to be easy.

Things have changed in the last five months. Being away from home and learning in a new environment has altered my perspective in many ways. It's true indefinitely with regards to how I see the world, but more importantly, it has prepared me to see what the reality of a life in Christ is like - and pursue it.

1. Attending a Southern Baptist church

While I still can't say I'll continue to attend this church for the next two years of college, I do acknowledge that the church I've been going to in Texas is good and I'm willing to give the community a shot, as well as plant myself there and hopefully, make some disciples! I've been to several churches, but I do believe that this church is the most balanced out of them all.

The teachings are biblically sound (that's really most important) and are always juxtaposed with the current times to edify the congregation. Sunday school is for all ages, meaning that we all get to learn about the Bible and life through the word of God. There are some things that I still need to get used to, like the repetitive songs sung during worship and the structure of the service, but really, I know what the priorities of a believer should be in church and I think this church meets the mark for it.

It's not perfect and to be fair, I could use a hand in getting connected with the community, but I think if I just give it some time and make it a point to attend life group, it'll work out. It is by His grace and not my own strength after all that I live by and He holds everything in His hands.

2. Studying the New Testament academically

This was truly the highlight of my semester - just being able to spend 3 hours each week learning about the texts within the New Testament and on how to read it. For most evangelicals, or at least Southern Baptists, studying the bible is an integral part of following Christ. Throughout my course, I learned that to read and study the Bible correctly meant to engage in exegesis. Exegesis, which derived from Greek means "to lead out", is a critical explanation or interpretation of a religious text. We read the text, derive meaning from the text and learn from it.

I learned many things among which are (1) to take the whole text seriously and not just isolated parts, (2) to understand the historical context in order to fathom what the text is saying and how it should be interpreted and (3) to take the theology seriously, by observing the claims the author makes about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit within the text. I also learned about how the New Testament was developed, which ties in with how the entire Bible (both Old and New) became what it is today. While it's sounds and is a lot more complicated than we imagine, learning these things made me realize that Christianity is centered around Jesus and the gospels more than I thought.

Also, it really is humbling when you realize that the pictures of Jesus offered in the four gospels provide a broader perspective on Jesus than we tend to see; but at the same time, that this is but a glimpse of him - and we won't truly know until we enter heaven and know Christ for who he truly is.

Yet, knowing these truths was a weighty thing. When I realized that the exegetical approach was the right way to read scripture and NOT eisegesis, which means to "import" or "draw in" one's own purely subjective interpretations into the text, which are unsupported by the text itself (Wikipedia), it changed how I saw sermons. In other words, knowing the Bible is not about enthusiastically reciting a bunch of famous bible verses or quotes, or even copying a bunch of bible verses that were clearly Googled online and pasting them onto parts of the sermon where they "appeared" to make sense or prove a personal (and probably not godly) point. It is about learning from the text, which God had inspired people to write, in order that we are a church are guided and edified so we may glorify God and not ourselves.

And this is why I say, it's not going to be easy.

What I was taught about Christ and Christianity through the church I attended and these academic bible studies really drove home the point that Christ is revealed through the Bible. This really varies from how things are in my home church where the emphasis was on "spiritual experiences" and musical worship. Oh and um, spiritual gifts? Glossolalia, that's what (that's speaking in tongues, if you haven't figured that out yet). What we address as teachings of the Bible are basically sermons that were basically held as authoritative and from God simply because there were a bunch of scriptures placed here and there. Whenever I questioned the understanding of these verses and asked about the context, the replies always went along the lines of "It's guidance from the Holy Spirit" or "It's all about the heart." And yet, they dare say, "The heart is deceitful." And our youth pastor is pretty much left unchallenged through the exertion of supposed God-sanctioned superiority - not because what He said was actually were biblical.

I attended church for the first time since I returned to Malaysia last Sunday. A youth leader I was well acquainted with shared on forgiveness. Although I could see the direction he was going in and the points he was trying to make, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that this "sermon" was allowed to be preached. He basically placed a bunch of anecdotes about forgiveness as his points, and then employed the Bible as a trump card to nail those points down. Surely enough, the verse about the 77 times we are supposed to forgive came up (Matt. 18:21-35), and some references about the sermon on the mount.

But that isn't taking the Bible seriously. Where is the part where Jesus talks about dealing with a brother or sister who sins by rebuking them privately and if they do not listen by addressing it with other siblings in Christ or further, even with the church (Matt. 18:15-17)? Why is there no addressing of this part of the text? And also, regarding verse 19 - where if two on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by the Father in heaven, or where the two or three gather, there Jesus is with them - it is to be taken with the context of addressing sin amongst Christian brethren. This is probably one of the most misquoted verses, but exists within the context. When Peter asks about how many times he must forgive, it ties in with the previous parts of the passage. We need to see it in its context.

Furthermore, forgiveness is not just about us. Many of the points the leader made related to how unforgiveness hurts us, and others. It was emphasized on people. But in the end, everything that is preached needs to tie in with what God made Christ do for us undeserving people. Even that in itself is another great and grand story of its own that carries weight and can only be expounded by the Bible, when studied properly.

So in the end, when we were told to give him a hand, I couldn't. I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't lie any longer.

I know that there is a lack of manpower in terms of equipping the youth with biblical teachings and sound doctrine. But that doesn't mean we should proceed without a care. I've mentioned countless times to a close youth leader friend of mine about the importance of scripture, but many times I was simply dismissed as a Zealot, to say the least.

But the issue exists. And something ought to be done.

It's not going to be easy. Firstly, I know I don't have the power to change the world. And it's not about me at the end of the day. It's about what glorifies God. And taking His word for granted and misusing it DOES NOT glorify Him AT ALL. Secondly, its going to be difficult to talk about these things, and I am aware of the notion that I will be ostracized for speaking the truth. People won't see me as the same before, because I disagree. I may lose friends over this, friends I've always thought I spent so much time building relationships with, when in reality, I don't even know, truly. It's going to be difficult, because all this while I've valued so much the acceptance of people that I have forgotten to speak the truth, to be honest. I have made the people at church an idol. I have made church an idol. And now I am learning to be real, and I am aware that I risk not being liked.

But that is nothing to me anymore, if it means the pursuit of Christ.

So I will share. I will talk about these things openly, and with tact. I will allow the Holy Spirit to be the advocate Christ promised us, and pray that he will speak and minister to all of us. Yet, I am not passive. I will continue to stand up for Him through the advocacy of His word to others. I will continue to hold myself accountable to siblings in Christ I can trust, and learn as much as I can. I will continue to devote everything to ensure that it is for His glory, and remember who I am in Him.

So it won't be easy. But it's worth a chance, for a God who gave us undeserving people a chance through His one and only son, despite our own folly.

This whole grace stuff is insane.

Living on prayer (NOT a post about the Bon Jovi track)

While I was writing about my mum in my gender psych journal regarding the gender differences in religion, I provided some examples about how my mum exercises her spirituality (technical terms lah - I would've prefered to call it faith heh). One of the things she's always tried, and often failed with, is having family prayer, by getting all of us to come together and just spend time with the Lord as family. I thought about how that really used to annoy not just me, but my dad and my sister, because it was so awkward.

"And besides," I thought. "Even the pastor's son doesn't do family devotion or prayer, why are we so special then? Awkward lah."

Back home, the more it seemed my mum kept urging us to pray together, the worse we would feel about the whole thing. Sometimes it even felt like a threat, like if I didn't give in to her demands, I'd lose my salvation, because honor them 'rents, duh. Yet, it never did work out, because it was pretty inconsistent and well, there seemed to be no firm basis upon why this whole "pray as a family" thing would work out, apart from the fact that "Because pastor said so" or "Because these preachers that came to church and talked about the same thing in different ways said so."

But today I realized something.

My mother had the discipline to pray, and she tried to instill that in us - in me. Yet, not only did I politely retaliate, I eventually managed to convince myself that prayer could happen anytime and making it a routine would put God in a box. I would pray when I felt like it, or when I had time, but even when I did have time, I somehow managed to put it off until life throws a bunch of lemons - spoiled ones, even.

But the problem wasn't my mum's insistence on family prayer, or the pastor's son's sentiments about praying. It wasn't about what the pastor or other preachers said.

And it wasn't about routine being the thing that ruins prayer.

The problem was simply just the fact that I didn't pray, and I needed to. And when I look back at the past few months, I've realized that I haven't actually been praying.

I know of instances where I've prayed here, but the urgency of prayer has diminished. Prayer has downgraded from being a necessity, into just a possibility. I found reasons to excuse myself from prayer, and I felt okay about it. I rationalized that my roommate was around, or that I had spent too much time working on that assignment that I'm too tired and will pray tomorrow that I just end up not praying.

And I still have the non-existent balls to actually be OKAY with that. Regardless of whatever struggles I have with church doctrines and theological differences, I knew upon the pressing of the Holy Spirit, that something is wrong, because this fundamental way of connecting with God that all churches are largely in agreement of is something I just no longer seek.

What happened to my desire for communion with God? What happened to commitment, and my fire to God? Have I allowed myself to be complacent just because I study in a Christian university, have to read the New Testament academically and talk to people about God anyway? Have I allowed the hurts that I've had back home and the disagreements of days past prevent me from seeking God's counsel in earnestness?

So I've found that without my mum's constant urge to pray, I have slowly opted out of it. Without a sense of discipline, I have landed myself in compromise. When I dismissed my mum's call to pray, I inevitably dismissed a whole four months of evoking that discipline to pray.

Yet, God is faithful to remind me.

I shall end this with a prayer to you, whoever you are, or whoever I think you are.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the readers of my blog - the few and rare people I've allowed to read the penning of my thoughts. I thank you Lord that you've revealed to me just what a blessing it is to know them and have them as people I know I can trust, and I know they are a blessing to others. Help me to be faithful to them and keep on praying for them, even as I'm here in Texas. I ask that you be with them and guide them just as you led your people in the Old and New Covenant, in today's post-modernist, health goth-loving, estranged-from-you society.

I pray that you reveal yourself through their works and their life, and in every circumstance provide them with sufficient grace, mercy and godly strength to overcome. I ask that they never stop seeking to know you as God and learn about Christ and the Holy Spirit, regardless of what their current exposure or knowledge about you is. I ask that you remind them daily to focus their eyes on you, just as you have with me, and be with them every step of the way. Be with their families, grant them health and keep them safe, all for your glory Lord.

I thank you once again for them, and ask all of this in Jesus' loving and sovereign name:

Amen.

When memories die hard

"We treat them with exposure therapy, to prevent avoidance behavior. To overcome, they shouldn't have to go around it or avoid it, they need to go through it and learn that it's okay."

This is one of the toughest lessons I've had to learn - to not run away.

I guess I thought I was doing great back home, but I really just wasn't. I had occupied my time with church and my hipster cafe job so I wouldn't have to spend hours thinking about my problems, my unforgiveness.

But now I have nothing.

Sure I have to study and do my homework, but when I get so tired and my mind cries out for rest, I drift off. I've lost count of the number of times I've drifted back to Malaysia and replaying the events of last year in my head, only to be awakened when my professor asks a question. Even when I pay attention to my class, I somehow end up drifting back to the past and a lot of it back there really hurts.

Abnormal psych hasn't been an easy class. Academically I'm doing really well (like honestly I haven't gotten a 100 in a test since I left primary school), but mentally I tend to get pretty distracted and depressed on some days. When I learn about the mental disorders that people are diagnosed with and how they're being offered treatment for it, I get angry. I think about that one time my youth pastor remarked that "Psych majors like to dramatize everything" and I almost drop an F-bomb mentally.

I remember the time I talked about my problems and told him I was going for psychotherapy. He immediately got alarmed and thought I was going to be on drugs, though I sure as hell wasn't. He said I should've sought spiritual help. The thing is, I did and it didn't help at all.

What was I suppose to do then? I had issues and I wanted to deal with it, so I could overcome them and be the person God had created me to be, without the anxiety and the anger. My parents got my vote and they even went with me for therapy and it helped, though only briefly, because I came here.

I find it strange that someone would think that I had never reached out to the church. I have, but all I tend to receive is nothing but criticism for "overreacting" or "taking it too seriously". I was tired of hearing the thoughts in my head go "Oh, I'll come along" when I felt miserable and wanted to deal with it. Also, I understand that putting my focus in serving others and loving others did help, but it still couldn't destroy years of self-conditioning, which made me mistrust everyone and not be vulnerable to anyone. I've made progress, but even so, these things still go on and take time.

I was so mad. And a part of me, still is mad, though I've declared time and time again that I forgive him for saying such things out of ignorance.

There is this girl in my class who asked my professor this once, "How can you tell if it is a psychological disorder or a spiritual or demonic thing?" My professor couldn't give a proper answer, but his best bet was that if the disorder does not go away even after treatment, he would refer them for pastoral care or something of the sort. He didn't diminish those possibilities, but said that we'd have to be careful about how we diagnose things.

This mentality just doesn't exist in church back home, especially a charismatic Pentecostal one. There is so much emphasis on miracles, signs and wonders that people find the thought of considering secular medical or mental health care as the prime option is close to sin. People don't seem to think that perhaps God might want to heal a person through medical means. I know it took my mum ages to realize that I needed more help than just counselling at church, or to just go to some healing service or prophetic event. I don't doubt that God works through these events, but I do believe that we must consider the possibility that God might work through other means as well.

I think people just don't see how serious things are. Say, if this was domestic violence, how would you counsel someone who's going through that? During my gender psych class, I got to hear clips of pastors who suggested that women went to the elders and leaders of the church in order for them to deal with their abusive boyfriends or husbands. Worse still, I heard a clip of a pastor who even told the woman to undergo the abuse for a season, and pray about it until he repented. I found it more appalling that they had even said, "It depends on the level of abuse." What on earth does that even mean?! ABUSE IS ABUSE. If what we do unto our neighbor is what we do unto God, would that person not have sinned for even abusing that person? It was not meant for anyone to just continue to be abused. Now that I think about it, it's insane. It's insane that a prestigious church leader would allow that to happen, and it makes you question where the church is headed to with such ignorant talk.

I'm not saying my situation is as bad as domestic violence. I'm not saying that I need to be pitied and the whole world needs to be at my aid. I'm saying that my problem is real, and I had every right to get help, and well, even my parents gave their blessing. My mum has become more open minded and now she sees why a field like psychology even exists. It exists because it helps people overcome, it helps people grow. We might disagree on a lot of things, but I'm glad we're on the same page when it comes to this.

Being here has been insane for me, emotionally and mentally. Now that I don't have a hectic schedule that drowns away my sorrows, I have to deal with my problems. I need to deal with my lacking walk with God. I suddenly have time to hear the voice of the world and the voice of the enemy.

But I thank God that I can also hear His beautiful voice. I thank God that the Holy Spirit has never left, even when I don't feel like it. Even without the worship team blasting Jesus Culture and a 30 minute long session of glossolalia, I feel His presence here. I know His presence and oh, it leaves me in awe. I try hard not to bawl in church because people here are a lot more conservative but it's hard. God's presence just enters and I cry, because I can feel it. It's crazy.

So don't ever tell me other denominations aren't spirit filled. That's a whole lot of loony going on there. GOD IS OMNIPRESENT. And the Holy Spirit surely is, because the Spirit is the Spirit of God.

Right now, I'm struggling. I'm struggling hard. I'm not gonna lie and pretend that I'm having a blast every single day, because I'm not. I go through pain. That's not to say that I'm ungrateful. I am blessed to be here. I am very, very blessed and I do not regret it at all. Going to the U.S. has been a dream I have always wanted to fulfill and God made it all happen. He placed this desire in my heart, and I can see a little bit of why he did that now.

He wants me to overcome. He wants my mind, to renew it so I may be transformed.

I cried out to Him today, afraid of ever returning to Malaysia. When I think of the people who have hurt me, I am angry. I wonder how I will ever serve him if I ever step foot into my church ever again. Won't I only drown in hatred and things would return to how they were?

But God is faithful. I choose to believe that God will give me whatever it takes to overcome. I will keep on forgiving them, and I will be able to love these people again with a pure heart, some day. I will overcome my anxiety - my heart will cease to palpitate with every class discussion, and I will not feel sad anymore despite being in a crowd of people.

Yet, with all these troubles, Paul's words come to mind,

"So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

With love, V

We often have this misconception that love is suppose to be easy, that it's suppose to come naturally and should occur without challenges.

I'm just gonna have to break it to you - IT'S ALL A LIE.

Relationships aren't easy and they are NEVER perfect because we're all broken people.

We were God's beloved in the beginning of time. Then we were rebels, having turned away from God and to sin. We were subject to God's mercy, trying to atone for what we did, but failing to achieve complete purity as we did in our creation. But then God did something extraordinary - He sent His only begotten son to die for us on the Cross and took upon Himself our sin so we could be set free. Free to love Him, and love one another. But being in this world, we still have to live in this earthly body, and it is still filthy as ever. And that's why we stumble. We hurt each other, and it's painful as ever.

But when we remember the great God who loved us so much and did what he could have decided not to, and still be the same sovereign and righteous God, we become compelled to love one another. How we feel, what we think doesn't matter, because God's love for us transcends our human limitations. We are made perfect in His love and in that, cease to fear.

These people in the pictures aren't perfect. They don't always do the right thing and they mess up. They've hurt me with some of the things they say, with their occasional nonchalance. And so have I, when I wasn't clear of who I was in Christ those years ago when I first encountered Him. I was crazy insecure, and I needed constant affirmation from these people just to know I'm okay and they had to give without expectations of receiving. I'm pretty sure they were worn out trying to figure it out with me when I was much more lost than I am now (yes, still lost ahaha).



Serving with them hasn't been easy, and being their friend has been tough as hell, especially with all our respective idiosyncrasies and flaws. But God's love is what keeps us together. We put our trust in Him and we held onto Him for better and for worse, no matter where we were in life.

Love isn't easy. It's more than community and friendship. It's accountability and commitment. And that's scary to our carnal selves.





Yet, out of faith, hope and love, LOVE endures FOREVER and this means endless sacrifice, obedience and forgiveness.

But for something as priceless as love, I think it's pretty darn worth it.

Abide '14

To begin with, I didn't have any specific expectations for Uth Camp. I only knew inside that God was going to do a great work and I was just pretty open about whatever was to happen.

I gotta say, God truly works in the most mysterious of ways.

Since the beginning of the year, I've had so many questions about the church, campus ministry, evangelism and my faith. Being a part of CF and church simultaneously has been a joy to me; but it also created a burden in my heart. Having been exposed to reformed theology and the depth of the Word through bible study, I found it difficult to reconcile the differences in the perception of God and the gospel between CF and church.

I learned so much about the Word through CF that I soon discovered my church didn't quite have that much grounding in that area. I also had convictions and conflicts within myself regarding the emphasis on tangible, spiritual experiences in church and glossolalia. While I believed they were real, I had doubts about whether their sole implementation would cause the seed God planted in the youths grow on fertile soil. I have had those struggles when I was younger about speaking in tongues and not knowing what my faith was based on, and I felt things could have been done differently in church in order that the youths build their faith on solid ground.

While not all my questions were answered, most of them were. As Psalms 139:23 put it, God had searched me and knew my heart. He had tested me and knew my anxious thoughts. God answered my questions through the workshops and service. He taught me that we were called to make disciples and not converts, and have faith that is of quality. He showed me a different way to approach evangelism in campus ministry through the workshops, and revealed Jesus not just as Saviour, but Lord over our lives. He reminded me to give Him my all (including the part of me that somewhat resolved not to deal with romantic relationships for good) and let Him write my story. He revealed the enormity and greatness of His nature, reassuring me that I could do all things through Christ who strengthened me. The entirety of camp was focused on glorifying Him in all things, and it was spectacular.

On a different note, God also showed me what it meant to serve. Having to sing three nights in a row and play keys one of the mornings was tough. And so was staying up till 3am with the committee members to discuss camp stuff. And it was nuts watching Lionel work on videos last minute as I helped compile all the tiger court evidence into a slideshow. Boy, it was crazy hard, and not everything went according to plan - but it really made me think about what serving as a youth leader meant.

As I pondered, Mark 10:43b-45 came to mind - "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Being a leader calls for humility above all else, and I see that in my fellow committee members. While I whined about not getting enough sleep, I realized all these leaders weren't either. But they gave it all they had and served out of love. It's just insane that I've only started realizing what a sacrifice being a leader really demands. These people really deserve to be honored for their service and I seriously have so much more to learn from all of them.

To find myself still at square one has been astonishing. To think that I'm just getting started at this whole leadership thing. But I know that when the next season arrives, I'm up. I'm going to be deployed on His army to serve His kingdom, and it'll be harder than ever, considering I'll be 15,474km away from home. Nevertheless, no matter where I am, it will still be the same, amazing life-changing call.

For that, I am infinitely grateful.

God's ways > My ways

Last Friday, I shared a message at my cell group. Prior to that, my cell leader had asked if I could share, and he had suggested I expounded on the message shared on Sunday by one of my fellow youth leaders about transformation. Given that I already had some thoughts about what was shared on Sunday, and felt I should realign those points with the truth of the Gospel, I agreed to do it.

And so I shared a message on transformation, and explained some of the points that were made on Sunday. Based on what I learned on Sunday about love being the source of transformation, I reaffirmed the truth of God's love for us in the Gospel, through the Bible. I shared about how easy it was to be disillusioned by performance and possessions to the extent that mistake it as our main goal, when really, all we have and are is founded upon the purpose of love.

I talked about how love was the source and product of transformation, and urged everyone, including myself to be aware of how we evaluate our fruitfulness and to constantly be on guard against idleness, so we don't forget that God is love.

But that's not what I intend to talk about in today's post.

After cell, some cell members encouraged me and reaffirmed me that my sharing was good. I figured most of them were tired that Friday night, and they'd said it because they were afraid that I'd be disappointed if whatever I shared failed to get through their fatigued selves. Or maybe they'd actually paid attention, and received something that night. Whatever it was, the Holy Spirit had reminded me prior to cell that it didn't matter; I was only the mouthpiece, God was and is the one who will work through them.

I also kept it in mind that whatever I said had to be out of love, and the Holy Spirit really helped me be a lot more compassionate and forgiving towards others, than I could ever afford to be in my own strength. With that, I shrugged in response to the positive comments, not dwelling on what I'd said or done that night.

However, on Sunday, I received feedback that wasn't too encouraging. I was at Alpha, having refreshments when I overheard the youth cell group leader conversing with a fellow member of the cell group I attended. The cell leader was curious about our last session, and expressed it to my fellow cell member. If I'm not mistaken, apparently the cell leader had heard from one of his own cell members who had attended my cell that Friday that my message was [insert adjective describing mediocrity/not good enough] here. My fellow cell member confirmed it, as he had heard this person say the message was "dry".

I won't lie, I was pretty discouraged. My message was dry? It was the second time I'd shared at cell, and the Holy Spirit had revealed to me that when I first shared, I lacked love. I was all about truth, and lacked in grace when it came to addressing sin and the imperfections of others. I was brutally honest the last time, and through a discipleship meeting with J N two nights before cell, God made me rethink the way I shared my message so it would be deep, and yet still exude love and grace. And it was dry?

I was devastated, at first. Then I was grateful - grateful that the Holy Spirit lived within me, and spoke to me at that moment. I had to make a decision.

If I so much as allowed that thought to prevail in my mind, it simply meant that I had allowed one person's opinion, to define the legitimacy of the message I had shared.

However, if I brought into remembrance what I had learned from the Word of God and the prompting of the Holy Spirit and had faith that God would still speak despite how I shared, it meant I was committing my ways unto the Lord; trusting in Him as He brought forth my righteousness as the light, and my justice as noonday.

And boy am I glad I chose the latter. I chose to believe that the God I love and serve reigns beyond the limitations of my flesh. I chose to trust the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. I took refuge in the Lord than trust in man.

People's comments, be they positive or negative may address the nature of how or what has been shared, but they don't matter as much as who it was shared for and why. When we share a message, it is for our God who is love. It is for the furtherance of His kingdom alone.

After receiving a rebuke from J N two nights before my sharing was due, I felt really discouraged. I felt I wasn't ready to share, and that I should just drop this responsibility because I felt my heart wasn't right before God. I thought I had made a mistake by agreeing to share, because I was just a wreck.

But then the Holy Spirit spoke to me.

"Are you doing this for yourself, or for God?"

"If you choose to run away now and not share, you're basically running away from what God has called you to do. You're also saying that God's not as great as we all claim He is, because you don't believe that God speak to people through your sharing on Friday."

"You're implying that God cannot work beyond your own human limitations."

Well, I couldn't argue with that lol. And so I shared.

Another thing the Lord made real to me was that He reveals things to people in His way, and His own timing. On that same discipleship meeting, I vented my frustration regarding how things were being run in youth church, and the state of the hearts of the youths for God. I'd been exposed over the past couple of months to really profound and yet basic truths of the Christian faith, and the urgency of restoring our undivided loyalty and attention towards the Heavenly Father to the extent that when I looked around me, I'd find that it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough that the guys in cell served in church, they had to give up playing DotA for Jesus because I felt that if we couldn't give up a computer game to spend time with God, I figured it'd be a nightmare for them trying to leave behind this world to enter into the place He has for us in Heaven. It wasn't enough for agreement in the Word to happen during service, it had to be something we pondered and meditated upon at all times, and watching people transition so easily from a hefty sermon to gossiping at lunch made me cringe. I felt it wasn't enough that people were given a chance to preach, it had to come from a place of great understanding in the Word of God and constant citation to ensure everything is biblically sound.

When I expressed this to J N, he was upfront with me and said that my attitude was absolutely wrong. I was judging others for what they did, or didn't do, and it was not out of love. I was accusing others of not loving Jesus, based on my judgments. I was absolutely frustrated because I felt like I didn't belong with my "deep" thoughts in a sea of facade-oriented individuals, and it hurt my relationships with others, and more importantly, with God. On a deeper level, I was frustrated because I felt like I was the one who had to uphold all these things that God had revealed to me, because no one else seemed to care.

J N said that God reveals things to people according to His will and His perfect timing. He said that not everyone moves at the same pace, and it is unjust to classify a fellow believer as incompetent in their walk simply because they are slower than one, or to over-qualify a certain believer simply because they are at a certain position in their walk. God's relationship with everyone is unique and individual, as much as it is cohesive with His bride, the Church.

When I shared about God's love in accordance with transformation, and talked about God's grace and the concept of the Gospel, I was super enthusiastic about it. I brought it up over and over again, paying emphasis to the core of the Gospel, of God's redemption of the human race, the sending of Jesus as a sacrifice, and all of this as an act of love. I believed it was such a great and key part of Christianity that needed to be reasserted frequently, because I saw how it shaped my faith and it was what God had revealed to me through my encounters with Reformed teachings and theology. 

Nevertheless, not everyone shares my enthusiasm. Some don't understand why I would constantly point at it with amazement time and time again when all Christians are in consensus that Christ died for our sins and we were saved by grace through faith. And I suspect that some find my message "dry" because I shared something that was seen as basic knowledge of Christianity and not the solid spiritual food we were suppose to received, having being told we were to "level up" in our faith.

But that's okay. God reveals His truths in different ways to different people at different times. And as long as they all point to Him, it's all cool. It really isn't my concern, because I have no reason to dispute a God who works beyond my human imperfections.

Two lessons learnt in one sharing:

1. Putting my trust in God means not worrying about what others say, be it negative or positive.

2. God reveals things to people according to His plan and perfect timing.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

- Isaiah 55:9

Solitude '14

The last time I wrote about solitude was about a year ago.

I was in a confused state then, having just ended a relationship I knew God had determined was not holy. I craved the world, trying to hold onto it inch-by-inch, even though I knew in my heart that the only way to eternal life was for my carnal self to die, and for the Holy Spirit in me, to live. I'm not gonna let my guard down on anything, but I think I am spiritually secure enough to say that things have changed since.

Solitude bears a different meaning for me now.

When I think of being alone in my room, I don't see isolation. Instead, I see connection - a connection to the Heavenly Father. When I am alone, not just in my room, but wherever it is I may be, I am focused on Him. I can hear Him speak to me, I can hear Him counsel me and He comforts me.

When I am alone, I am with my Father, who teaches me right from wrong, who rebukes me for my sin, who reminds me of the greatest price He paid so I could be saved, so I could be loved, infinitely and unconditionally.

When I am in solitude, I can see the words from His word, surface above the page to embolden me. I can freely share my thoughts with Him, both good or evil, and listen as the Word is being recited in my heart, either to edify or to rebuke me.

The Holy Spirit is the loudest in moments of silence, in moments of solitude.

I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I thought I must've been strange to sometimes want to whisk myself away from this world and be alone for a bit. And often being alone led me to usher in negative thoughts, and I dwelled in those for hours.

But I've realized now, that the solitude wasn't purposed for me to wallow in the whims and fancies of Satan.

It's for me to call God, and talk to Him, about anything. God gave me the desire to spend moments alone so I could spend them with Him. I tell Him about work and the silly things my colleagues say or do. I tell Him about how tired I am on a nine-to-five and my desire to quit. I tell Him about church, about how I love serving Him. And I also tell Him about how tired I feel in doing so many things in church, and having to be let down by people at church countless times and yet not be able to take offense. I show how stubborn I am about wanting to see change in myself, because I think it is too difficult. I tell Him about that guy I really like even though it's really embarrassing. I tell Him about how scared I am to be alone for the rest of my life, or to be forced to settle for something less than the best I see for myself.

And God replies me too.

He tells me to be salt and light on this earth, especially to people at work who don't know Him or who do but have not lived out the lives He has called us to live. He tells me not to compromise spending time with Him because I am nothing with Him and He calls me to rest in Him, in His love. He tells me that He has a great calling for people in church, and that all of us in His kingdom have fallen short of glory because we are still very much people. He tells me that His plan is bigger than the one He had for this world, and that I should trust Him and not people. He also tells me that people are like one another - they hurt and sometimes they say or do stupid things, but His love helps them repent and move on from those things. He goes on to tell me not to stop - to finish the race and fight the good fight and press on towards the goal. He tells me to stop listening to that evil dude who keeps trying to ruin His plans. He could have rolled His eyes when I bring up the topic of life partners again, but again, He reminds me that His ways are higher than mine and His thoughts are greater than mine and I should just calm down and trust Him. He also tells me that I am to work on my relationships with people at church, at work and especially with my family.

It's really not so bad being alone at times. We need this solitude in life at times, so we can talk to God and hear what He has to say. We need it because we need Him to refresh us, and often we are only refreshed when we are not distracted and alone with Him.

We need to be alone, just so we can spend time with God.

“But the LORD is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.” 

-Habakkuk 2:20

Maybe, definitely

So maybe sports isn't so bad after all.

I still haven't gotten a chance to practice playing frisbee, but I got to try it out. I played captain ball today after Alpha, and hey, it wasn't too bad. It was pretty fun, although I do admit I could learn to spread out on the playing field and catch the ball more effectively.

But hey, it was pretty great.

So maybe this fellowship thing is working out too.

I've been talking to God about having something like this happen, because I believe fellowship was key in building relationships with others, though the purpose of Alpha was to introduce Christ to those who have yet to know Him. I spoke about it to one of my bros over dinner the other night, saying that perhaps there needs to be more effort gone into fellowship and more utility in Alpha as an evangelistic tool, but he pretty much just said "Relationships take time" and "We're not to shun the gospel down someone's throat" in response. I'm not quite sure he got what I meant seeing that those responses were a bit on the extreme side, but I don't blame him. I guess everyone has a different take on how the course of relationships should take place, but I personally feel that it's about time some of us (other than me) hung out with Megs.

When I reminisce my time in CF, I am reminded of how friendly and hospitable we all were to one another. It was such a great example of the overflowing of the Father's love, that we could not contain our love for Him that we let it overflow into the lives of others by displaying the same love. I wanted that to happen in church, but I wasn't sure if my heart was right when it came to this; I wondered if I was being a little biased since I had spent more than a year in CF and barely invested in relationships in church, or if I was having unrealistic expectations about what church should be, and was comparing things again to CF. Thus, I decided not to tread that ground over dinner with the others, especially since that bro replied as such.

But God is faithful. He knew what was in my heart, and He assured me that He had everything under control.

Megs*, Day* and I went out for Boat Noodle after captain ball today. Initially, it was just gonna be Megs and I, as usual, having our Sunday night hangout sesh, because most people were having dinner with their families, not excluding Day himself. However, after a phone call, he decided he could join us because his plans with his family got called off. So we headed off to Jaya One together and got to chatter over food. It was pretty funny (because Day's jokes are extremely hilarious and LAME) and I think Day and Megs got to know each other slightly better.

And the craziest thing was, I didn't even speak to Day about this since I got put off the other day. But God knew better.

In all, I praise the Lord, for His faithfulness. Although I'm not too sure how things will turn out over the next couple of weeks, but I am sure that God's ways are above my ways, and His thoughts are above my thoughts. I only need to trust in the work that He is doing, that He will bring it into completion, and I must be obedient to His call and linger in His love at all times. He did it today, and I'm sure there is more, in time to come.

So maybe I don't have to get what I want to be happy.

I know this appears to come from an unknown place, but maybe, JUST MAYBE, I don't have to be with someone who is my "type" to be happy. I had the opportunity to share a brief account of my past relationship in accordance with how God answered prayers, and it suddenly dawned upon me that the person I am currently attracted to was pretty much the same type of guy I dated, in my previous relationship. Well sure, there were several attributes in their personality that were different, but all in all, they were similar in terms of physical attributes. And so I'm starting to think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, that God did not or has not allowed anything to happen between us because He knew better than for me to be tempted and make the same dumb mistake I made last year.

Sure, I'm a little stronger than I was before, but as strong as I am spiritually, I will always need to be anchored to God, because in my own strength I am weak. The weakness of God is greater than my strength. God knows what I need, and maybe, just maybe, He knows I don't need this particular person to make me happy. It could be anyone, and I need to let Him let His plan come into fruition.

Of course, that does not mean I shun every other guy who seems to be my "type" because I think that's what God's plan is. It's still a maybe, after all, but hey, I'd like to keep an open mind about His will, though I am determined to be shut towards anything that sets itself against the knowledge of God.

So definitely, I'd say today was a great day. In fact, this entire week has been pretty amazing.

I made a conscious decision to focus on others instead of myself, I allowed others to speak into my life and rebuke me, and I let myself be honest not just to others, but to myself. I've realized that sometimes I allow things to be complicated, when really it's all so simple. I was also reminded that there are many people, especially my family members, who love me, regardless of whether they understand me or not. They truly care, and whether I am okay or not okay, as long as they are aware of how I've been doing, they are assured about me and glad.

I think my shards are slowly becoming visible to others, but that's okay. Everyone is broken, and I'm broken too. I'm sometimes concerned about what people would say when they see the broken pieces of my life that I've concealed for so long, but I really don't care anymore what people say. I only need Jesus, and I know that He'll make things come together for my good.

And so will He, for all those who love Him and His kingdom :)

* Names have been changed in reverence of the individuals referred to above and the acknowledgement of their right to privacy

Do away with me (Part 1)

Today was suppose to be another typical Saturday where church commitments or part-time work crept in, but fortunately (can't decide, but fortunately I s'pose) everything was cancelled at the last minute. So I was left with an entire Saturday to do whatever I wanted, and since I've already spent the afternoon with my family, I figured I'd have some me-time right now and do a little reflection on the past week.

To be absolutely honest with you, I haven't been okay in a couple of weeks.

My emotions have taken a serious toll on me again, despite whatever I've said about remembering who I am in Christ, and I've been trying very hard to tough it out on my own. For some reason, the past proceeded to haunt me and remind me of the hurts some of the people I've considered closest and most valuable to me, have inflicted upon me. I've been really bitter in the past couple of weeks, wallowing in self-pity, questioning God just why, He'd let me endure this anguish.

Why couldn't I be absolutely honest about the frailty of my spiritual health without receiving judgment from my peers?

Why do I have to have it harder than everyone else?

Why did I have to feel like I didn't belong, like I was excluded from everything, and had to reach out to others instead of having them reach out to me?

Why was I made so emotional?

Why am I so afraid of being rejected?

Why do I even care?

Why do I have to do this by myself? Why must I fight this war alone?

And if we were called to battle this world as one body, why did I come to realize that I have no one I could count on without being labelled "sick", or in possession of a "spiritual infirmity" that made me hard to love?

I debated about these things with my mum one night, but for some reason, even she, who was usually able to provide me with an answer, was rendered speechless.

I spent days like that. Though I forced myself up every morning to commit myself to prayer and to devotion, my heart was just far away from the Lord. I tried reaching out to Him, but inside I was just so bitter about everything that was wrong in my life that I forgot the one thing that made me right.

I forgot about Jesus, and what God had made Him do for me. He DIED so my line of communication with the Heavenly Father would be open, and here I was not experiencing the fullness of the gift He'd imparted to me.

And I wondered why.

Last Sunday, one of my high school teachers shared about trials and tribulations, from a Christian student's perspective. Frankly when I read the title of the message on the projected Powerpoint slide, I braced myself for a sermon laced with analogies and examples that were largely applicable to the secondary school crowd. I figured since that phase had come to pass and I had endured it, there wasn't much I could pick up. My stubborn 4.0 top student head was adamant on that, but considering a top student was also a disciplined one, I decided I'd hear it out and just laugh at the funny and familiar references my teacher would make as the sermon went along.

I can only thank God that the Holy Spirit was there, and as I listened, I was trying so hard not to bawl my eyes out from being in touch with His presence.

While I was right about the message being catered to a school-going audience, God's word was still applicable to me, regardless of my educational level. In essence, my teacher shared that as Christians, and even as students, we are all entitled to our share of trials and tribulations. She reminded us that our sufferings made us stronger as Christians, both emotionally and in our faith through 1 Peter 1:6-7. She also mentioned that we all had a divine purpose which was and is to grow more and more into the image of Jesus, according to Romans 8:29.

I was all too familiar with that, and I thought to myself, "Well yeah, sure. I've heard this millions of times."

And then we went into the analogies; the crucial TNTs (trials and tribulations) that we all had to endure as Christian students.

Upon surface value, a lot of the examples she offered were very relatable to school-goers. Questions like "Why is it my teacher likes picking on me in class?", "Why am I not smart or better looking just like or than my peers?" or "Why are my parents so strict on me?" I wouldn't have related to the first question I mentioned, because to be fair, I was a pretty decent student. As per the third question, I've learned to accept that my parents are strict on me because they care about me and love me, and it's been ingrained in my identity since God taught me that all through last year.

But about not being smart or better looking like others? I giggled. No, actually, I laughed at that one. It was a stupid thing, but I could still relate to that. Sure, I was verbally less public about my tendencies to envy or feel inferior to others, but I could totally relate to that. While I might have gotten off the "Am I pretty enough/smart enough?" phase, I was dealing with:

"Why do others have it easier than me?"

"Why can't I be not awkward, like other people?"

"Why can't I be as sane when it comes to my emotions, like everybody else on God's green earth who doesn't freak out when they screw things up?"

But all she said was, "We need to look away from ourselves."

She didn't say, "We are all made differently, and we cannot compare ourselves to one another."

She didn't expound, "Our self-confidence is in our identity as Christians, in the Lord."

And no, she definitely didn't say, "The Devil is out there to get you because you're valuable to the Kingdom of God, so don't let Him!"

Sure, some of those things I've mentioned above have some amount of truth, but the problem with such statements is that at the end of it all, it still points to us over God. If we're not careful to dissect those sentences, it glorifies us. It puts us in the limelight, instead of God.

But what my teacher said, was to shift our focus from ourselves to others. We are called to be a blessing to others. We are called to serve one another. We are called to love and freely give, without expecting a return. We are called to give ourselves up to Jesus - every ounce of us is His, every desire of our hearts, becomes His. We are FOR Him, and everything else that is for us, cannot be within us if we are truly FOR HIM.

And sometimes, as much as we are adamant on being FOR Him only, our human nature gets to us. It definitely got to me. Others might feel that many other commitments in our lives towards the things of the world can get in the way of us seeking the kingdom of God. For me, I felt that there was a need to be perfect, that there was a need to be righteous, and if I wasn't, I was surely damned. My hindrance was legalism, and for a while I mistook that legalism to be the purpose for which I was created. And when I realized I was being legalistic, I was even more afraid that I wasn't a good example to others, and I'd be shunned in my community of believers. I feared that I wasn't patient enough, or kind enough, or graceful enough, etcetera.

However, Matthew 6:33 was quoted then. "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

It was then that I realized that my focus was not to be on how to be a more disciplined person in Christ. Nor was it to be the epitome of a Christian whose walk with God is impeccable.

My focus needed to be the kingdom of God, which by the way if you haven't noticed, has TONNES of people. The kingdom of God is not limited to Heavenly beings, WE as followers of Christ, ARE THE KINGDOM OF GOD. So it all makes sense, we need to look after His kingdom, which also comprises of one another and stop focusing on how perfect I had to be through all these works, through my service in church, because all have fallen short of His glory and we are all saved by grace. No one is favored by God more or less by the works that we do.

Also, I was transfixed on my self-righteousness that I totally didn't focus on His righteousness. I assumed I knew whatever I was doing, but like it says in John 15 verses 4 to 5,

"You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

I couldn't do it on my own. My focus had to be on Jesus before anything else. And when I could abide in Him, I would produce those fruits. So the fruits of the Spirit are a product of abiding in the one true vine, Jesus whose Father is the gardener. He is the one pruning us, not the laws we have made for ourselves or the rules we choose to play by.

Nevertheless, we are the ambassadors for the Kingdom of God, through our lives. The choices we make and how we live our lives are important. If we are able to go through these trials and tribulations and yet still maintain that our God is good, we become a testimony. So that's where we come in, but for the glory of God.

To reiterate the closing of the sermon, James 1:2-4 says, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

God had me take a test, so that my faith could produce endurance. And that endurance, was meant to make me perfect and complete, not lacking anything. For a while, I let myself be oblivious to the bigger picture of God's grand plan and allowed myself to wallow in the comfort of self-pity, and I blamed everyone and everything else for not being empathic enough towards me.

But all of that was wrong. God's grace was enough for me.

So there, the beginning of God's revelation to me, about my issues with insecurities, identity and self-pity. The story doesn't end here, but if I continued it in one post it'd take way too much space and hinder me from getting this message across, if I considered summarizing everything into one brief post.

Anyway, to close, I'll just share one more thing.

After the sermon, JN came up and shared his two cents on trials and tribulations. He talked about a debate he'd had with one of the youth leaders, on the legitimacy of the statement, "Hard times bring about faith." Well, something along those lines. Truth be told, I didn't think there was anything acutely inaccurate about the sentence. With challenges, come the opportunity for our faith to become stronger, was it not?

Romans 10:17 has the answer.

"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ."

Difficult times will come, and yes, such times bring about the opportunity of glorifying God. But these tough situations are not what grants us faith.

Faith comes from HEARING, and HEARING through the WORD of Christ.

It is our faith, our being rooted in God that leads to faith. Difficult times may be a catalyst, but they are not the source of our faith. Faith comes when we run to Him in these times, seek His guidance and hide in His Word.

Wow.

Little sleep and too much toil makes Vivian a

Quick updates on life:

1. I'm officially employed! I managed to score a part-time job at a neighborhood cafe, and I'm loving it so far. It was pretty unexpected, but I'm grateful that each step towards the attainment of this job was undertaken with prayer. Praise the Lord!

2. My birthday celebration has lasted for about a week now! Shoutout to everyone who's gone out of the way to make it special for me. I've truly been blessed beyond belief, and I could not be happier. I appreciate all your wishes, prayers, treats to lunch or dinner, and gifts from the bottom of my heart. God has truly shown His love through each and every one of you :)

3. There hasn't been much news on my uni application, but I'm aware that one of the universities I've applied to have responded to my admissions counsellor. I guess I'll only have to stay tuned for another week or so.

4. I wrote my first official message and shared it during cell last Friday. It was pretty nerve wrecking and I had a lot of trouble writing it at first, but I'm grateful that my cell leader was there to help me and that God did not cease from His commitment to me, as I journeyed through what was in my heart. I ended up writing and then sharing about commitment, and hopefully this message will spur the commitment of others as well, unto Him.

5. I've been keeping up with this prayer thing for another week now. I've prayed about a couple of things - for family, friends, Malaysia, and well, EVERYTHING! Things have somewhat declined lately though, since I've been feeling the strain of my nine-to-five, but I'm determined to seek Him no matter what.

In conclusion, God has been really faithful this past week. I do admit I've been pretty tired due to work and my screwed up sleep schedule, but His presence during worship today truly rejuvenated me. Nevertheless, I'll be off work for a couple of days this coming week to spend quality time with my family.

I don't think I've been this excited since forever in two weeks!

Thank you Jesus

For having mercy on me and never giving up on restoring the relationship between my Dad and I.

For the interview I'm about to attend tomorrow to see if I land that part-time job.

For the smooth settlement of my university application submission.

For helping me let go of the past so I can genuinely bid Josh farewell.

For the good lunch and dinner I had today.

For helping me get through singing back-up during worship earlier with Your presence.

For using me as your mouthpiece and tool on this earth.

For the encouraging and convicting message that you imparted through Peter today on Your steadfast love and being anchored to You.

For my sister's renewed commitment to You through that altar call today (it was inaugural, it was MOMENTOUS).

I cannot thank you enough God, for everything. I can only burst into tears of joy.

Thank you.

TML Part 2

God also revealed something else to me on the day of the leader's meeting, apart from replenishing my spirit man through the knowledge of the Beatitudes. Prior to the sharing, J talked about a couple of things he received from studying the Sermon of the Mount.

To paraphrase and summarize what J had mentioned, the Sermon on the Mount, which contains the teachings and laws laid out by Jesus, was not meant merely to be read and known. Jesus preached this message, in order that we abide by it and live a fulfilling and abundant Christian life. A lot of times people misunderstand that the New Testament abolishes the laws from the Old, but truly, Jesus came to fulfill the law (Matthew 5:17). Moreover, this time He came to judge us not through our actions, but the state of our hearts, in which the latter appears to be more difficult than the former. J also talked about guarding our hearts carefully and in doing so, staying closely knitted to our spiritual family. He reminded each of us that the Devil targets his victims well by choosing those who remain in isolation, far from the church and more importantly, from God.

Based on what was expounded last Saturday, I picked up two things.

1. Perfection is attainable

As Christians, we are accustomed to not only hearing the phrase, "Nobody is perfect," but to mouthing it over and over again to ourselves, and to our fellow siblings in Christ. Yes, it is true that no human being other than Jesus is truly perfect, as we all have our respective issues to deal with and know very well that only God can make us perfect, which he has, in sending Jesus to die on the Cross for our sin and transgressions.

However, what is not acceptable is that we often hide behind the facade of our imperfect and sin-prone human selves to justify our succumbing to temptation, or our stubbornness in insisting that there is nothing wrong with some of the sinful things we are doing, because it is in our nature to do so. That is absolutely BOGUS. With Jesus being the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, God has given us the ability to attain perfection through Him and we may and MUST do so, by pursuing the Holy Spirit, and righteousness. It should be our desire and goal to achieve righteousness and holiness as He has called us to it, and there should be no compromise towards anything that may come in the way of us accomplishing these goals.

Upon hearing this message, I was reminded of the many things I had chosen to stand up for, as well as the things I chose to abstain from in the past couple of months, because I had believed perfection was attainable. In those months, God did a great deal in my life, and used my life to impact that of others.

However, I allowed all of that to slip away from my grasp as I became complacent and allowed others to convince me that it wasn't worth it pursuing righteousness. I somewhat gave up when I saw my own siblings in Christ abandon the pursuit of righteousness for the many other things in the world, and thought I could compromise my own stand for the sake of an unperturbed conscience and the acceptance of my peers. Fortunately, God used this message to set me straight and put me back on the right path, and currently, I am letting God lead the way (God is foolproof!) so I may stay on the right track.

2. Building a family altar is important

At the end of that Saturday, God spoke to me before I fell asleep, as I prayed. For about a week, I had been laden with guilt over my anger towards my parents over something that had happened the day I commenced. I had lost every inch of hope and trust towards my parents, and I resolved in my heart not to talk to my mum ever again about my problems.

Needless to say, the silence took a toll on me - I was miserable for a whole week and grew astray from the Lord. However, when J talked about how the Devil takes joy when a Christian isolates themselves from the Lord and from their spiritual leaders and people of accountability, I was instantly struck. I realized that night that my mum was one of those people who I told everything to, and I was utterly accountable to, and that for an entire week, I'd allowed Satan to get into my head and convince me that the best course of action was to stop all my interactions with her for good. I knew I had made a mistake, and I'd repented and said I was sorry for believing such lies.

It was a liberating revelation, and I got some sleep that night.

What did I tell ya? So many lessons I'd picked up over the course of one weekend.

God is faithful :)

This Is What You Do

Because it's not about Heaven or Hell, but it's about what God above is doing in my life in the here and now. And probably because I'm listening to that particular track in prep for this week's worship at youth church.

So the past couple of weeks have been crazy. Not crazy as in, crazy busy, which I'd initially hoped to be, but crazy in an emotional and nerve-wrecking way. And possibly, mundane even.

Plenty of things have happened.

In the span of weeks, I met up with the youth coordinator, quit bible study and am still dealing with matters of hatred and forgiveness with some of my closest Christian brothers. I went for a Christian Counselling conference, broke my vow to abstain from burgers for the rest of the year and had profound conversations with one of my closer leader buddies while riding shotgun. I also managed to keep in touch with one of my trusted brothers from Korea on Whatsapp, and I have a hunch that he's getting very irritated with my constant questions about life in general. So there.

More importantly, however, I took a trip down memory lane to the painful areas of my life. I won't say it was something I had planned to do this year, but given my creative writing monologue required substance and conflict, I undertook a bucketful of tears through confronting my mum about the hurts I had as a child.

I don't regret any of it though. I'm glad it's out of my system, and I can sense the Holy Spirit within me, comforting me and pushing me forward.

I really don't know what I'd do without Jesus.

I got upset again on Tuesday, and my head got really messy. I'm trying to rationalize everything that has been happening to me, but I've found that talking to others no longer clear things up in my head. I haven't told my mum anything, and I'm not sure if I should. I mean, what do I get from talking? Shouldn't I be focusing my eyes on Jesus and crying my heart out to Him? Only He can salvage my cracking heart all over again.

I really don't know. A part of me is afraid of trusting people again, but I don't want to end up like that again. I don't want to reinvent the silence I forced myself through when I was fourteen because I felt I was hopeless and nothing could be done about me. I am a sensitive person and the more I try to figure things out and control myself, it just gets worse.

People tell me I need to change, but I don't think they realize it's easier said than done. I'd rather they just pray for me and learn to accept that I learn slowly and things don't just undergo transformation overnight.

But until then, I need to bury His word in my heart. I need to hide under His wing and let Him heal me. Nobody, as comforting and sympathetic as they are, can spur change in me.

Only God can. But if I don't let Him, things will just keep getting tough.

I need to learn to be alone, with God by my side. I've come to realize that devotion is something I find hard to do, but I'm slowly learning. I've started doing worship by playing the guitar, but my skills make it a nuisance for me to sing nicely. But I know God isn't there just so He could hear the gift He gave me, He's there to spend time with me for me.

I've thought more than I've written, but given that my class is in half an hour and I need to print out my first draft for my monologue, I'll have to continue some other day.

But it sure feels good to be writing again. I think this overcomes a little of the clutter in my head. I should be able to think straight for quite a bit.

Thank you for hearing me out though. I'll remember to tell Daddy God of your kindness, because I want you to be blessed for your love for me. Tata.

The irony of judgment

If you stand close enough to me, you just might hear the echo of, "Practice what you preach," in my speech and sometimes, in my actions.

It's always been easy for me to say that there are certain things I have sworn never to do in this lifetime based on my moral inclinations, but honestly, living up to them has always been a struggle. Those dearest to me know I am firm on many things out of the convictions by the Holy Spirit, but trying to retain the clean hands and pure hearts Jesus died for hasn't always been a successful feat. Other times, some of the values I abide by are basic manners and courtesy even the secular world advocates, and yet I find myself failing to impart them myself.

Often by consequence, I tend to memorize the vows I have made to God, and the moral obligations I have bound myself to, and I seek to heftily abide by them. I figured if I could perfectly adjust my demeanor to one of obedience, I could impose the same standards I set for myself on others, as it would be justified, given that one has practiced what one preached. Whenever I see another person, especially another believer, undertaking an act that is not pleasing to God, I would instantly judge that person. As much as I'd like to think I don't, I DO. But I figured that if I was able to perform as I had promised, so should another believer with all the might vested in them by the Holy Spirit.

Yet it is this belief that has worn me through and made me restless. As I constantly scrutinized my image, I became more self-centered. I sought to be the prime example of morality to others, and I'd hoped that this perfectly painted persona would draw those who have yet to know Jesus to come to know Him. But inside I was tired. I was a wreck. I was broken. And in fact, I still am a tired and broken wreck. I struggled, trying to uphold the painting of the seemingly impeccable and exceptionally optimistic Christian girl, seeking to draw people to Him with my own strength. As expected, not only did I fail miserably in this endeavor - I distorted the truth of what God had sent Jesus to come to do. Jesus came to die for our sins, because all of us have fallen short of God's glory, and we cannot repay our misdeeds. A perfect man, Jesus took our sins upon the Cross, sacrificing his connection with the Heavenly Father just so we could have a relationship with God. The barrier between God and man because of sin was broken, FOREVER.

Little did I know I harbored a religious spirit, similar to that of a Pharisee. Now, I am not disputing the legitimacy of God's laws, nor am I downplaying the importance of Biblical truths and dogma. These are important things. But wasn't Jesus' ministry, which was underlined by the Four Gospels, centered around God's love, resulting in the salvation of His people? After all, God sent His only son not to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him (John 3:16-17).

Therefore, if all of us were perfect and could be morally justifiable, why then would God have to send Jesus?

I am reminded once again that my salvation and my faith is not merely based on my spiritual convictions or my moral beliefs. Instead, it is my relationship with God, my dependence on Him, my weakness (and my acknowledgement of its existence) that glorifies the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I am not placed on this earth to be a flawless specimen of humanity - if that were the case, there would be no need for God. But none of us are perfect. We were all created in our differences so as to reflect the sovereignty of God, who decides all things and has created all things in His image.

I need to rely on Him again. I have lost sight of what is important, of God's infinite power to draw people to Him. I need to remember that God has the ultimate power to convict anyone and bring them back to His house at any point of time, under any circumstances. And yet, He chose to use us as the instruments of His kingdom come. I find it a nuisance that God would choose the feeble human race, whom he created and that eventually defied Him, to do His will. God knew we would fall, and that we would make mistakes, and yet He entrusted the Great Commission to us. These facts are simply mindblowing. God is great, and yet He chooses the most unworthy and undeserving of us, so His name can be glorified.

Having penned this down (typed this out), I hope I will remember that it is not I who is in charge of the returnees to God's kingdom, nor am I the person who assists in the writing of the names in the Book of Life. Rather, I am the usher that stands faithfully at the gates that welcome souls into His kingdom, and I should remain patient and kind to all. Also, it is not my duty to judge the deeds or the words of another person. I know I have a tendency to do so, but the least I can do is rebuke the thoughts that hurry by as soon as they materialize in my mind. Only God can help me in this area, and so I will allow Him to.

I don't think anyone still reads this blog anymore, given that most of the topics I've written about are a lot to do with my faith and lesser to do with other things. However, these pieces of my life are the ones that help me chart my walk with God and assist me in my growth, mentally and spiritually. And how can anyone not rejoice in the progress of the Lord's work in us?

Anyhow, I will feature some photos from a recent trip I had with my uni mates last week, or update my material wishlist in a bit, just to keep things real here (perhaps, heh). Until then :)

Factions

I know it seemed as if I've had composure these days, but really, I feel most vulnerable right now. I thought I'd wait it out until the storm has come to pass to let my thoughts be known, but I figured I had to be real. I, Vivian Teoh, am a real person, with real emotions and while I am not going to allow feelings to have the best of me, I am still human. And I like writing when things happen.

I don't think I understand the full extent of what's been happening lately, but recently I've had a lot of questions from people questioning me about my faith as a Christian. While I'm glad that the questions non-Christians impose on me allows me to discover more of the Word each and every day, it really is the questions asked by other Christians on my faith that threaten to have me wobble over and tip off into oblivion.

I've always liked asking questions, and answering the ones I am asked about. Anyone who's been a classmate of mine would know what an inquisitive or avid silly question imposer I am. That's an established fact. But having questions asked about my faith, by people within my own church makes me begin to wonder what my faith is truly founded upon. Is my faith really founded upon the sermons and teachings my church advocates to the extent that I do not have my own grounding on being a Christian? Is a sermon that includes multiple isolated verses in discussing a topic at danger of being misinterpreted? Am I still being selfish and succumbing to my sinful nature in spite of my dedication to seeking God more and more each day?

I'm lost. I've gotta admit this, I really am. One second, I am so secure in His love and the next I am questioned about the basis of my faith that I cannot answer. It makes me reevaluate who I am truly in Christ, or if I even am in Christ. Second-guessing myself was a flaw of mine, according to one of my youth leaders during last year's retreat. All of a sudden, I'm left to ponder upon this prospect with a confused and unclear frame of mind. Have I really been rooted in the wrong things this entire time?

What really scares me is that I don't know. I don't know who is genuine in rebuking, correcting and encouraging me. I don't know who is asking me such questions out of love, in order to challenge another believer; and who are those who ask in order to put me down, to intimidate me. I can't tell. I guess I'm just spiritually not mature enough, but really, I feel sorta discouraged right now. I know I'm young, and I know I haven't had as much wisdom or experience in comparison with those older than me, but hearing them question if I'll ever make it spiritually or physically discourages me in the first place. It's like one moment they want me to grow up, be an adult; but the next they still see me as a child.

I want to speak to my peers or even my youth leaders, but sometimes I feel as if asking such questions will lead them to remember the old me. The immature me, who wouldn't bother dealing with these questions, but would just walk away. The old me, who cared only about myself and nothing else. I'm not that person anymore. He gave not just me, ALL OF US a new heart when we all became believers and took up our cross, and I've chosen to leave myself behind and pursue the emulation of Christ. And I think asking questions in order for me to learn, is how I can become better in my faith. I earnestly hope that when I ask my spiritual leaders about these things that they will not see me as inferior, or weak, but as a work in progress. I know I have not grown completely in Him just yet, but who's to say I won't?

I guess that's the risk I'm taking, being transparent, honest and vulnerable to others. It feels strange and uncomfortable, showing people each facet of my character daily. I have never been this honest with people before. In conversation, I scan their every word, every silence; hoping to see what lies in their heart as I reveal myself as a Christian who wants to learn, who wants to grow stronger in my faith. Honestly, I can't tell who sees me a victim and who sees me a potential victor. I'm certainly hoping it's the latter, but I sometimes feel otherwise.

Yet, who am I once again, to jump to conclusions? Why do I care so much? My objective isn't to please people, believer or pre-believer. My purpose is to live for Him. Everything I do needs to be for the Heavenly Father. I can only hope that people are honest with me just as I try to be honest with them, and I surrender my vulnerability to Christ, hoping He will guide me as I trust in Him, and even as I am made to trust the people He has put in my life. Why should I be worried, really?

I know some may argue that using an isolated scripture does not constitute a proper sermon, but I know in my heart that my intention is not to distort the truth of the Word. It's to amplify it and hide it in my heart, so the Devil cannot use it against me.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight. 

- Proverbs 3:5-6

The Great Divide

This is what Jon Foreman, the lead singer of Switchfoot responded when asked if Switchfoot was a "Christian" band (let's for a second assume that we know what the media's actual intentions are upon asking this question)

“To be honest, this question grieves me because I feel that it represents a much bigger issue than simply a couple SF tunes. In true Socratic form, let me ask you a few questions: Does Lewis or Tolkien mention Christ in any of their fictional series? Are Bach’s sonatas Christian? What is more Christ-like, feeding the poor, making furniture, cleaning bathrooms, or painting a sunset? There is a schism between the sacred and the secular in all of our modern minds. 

The view that a pastor is more ‘Christian’ than a girls volleyball coach is flawed and heretical. The stance that a worship leader is more spiritual than a janitor is condescending and flawed. These different callings and purposes further demonstrate God’s sovereignty.  

Many songs are worthy of being written. Switchfoot will write some, Keith Green, Bach, and perhaps yourself have written others. Some of these songs are about redemption, others about the sunrise, others about nothing in particular: written for the simple joy of music. 

None of these songs has been born again, and to that end there is no such thing as Christian music. No. Christ didn't come and die for my songs, he came for me. Yes. My songs are a part of my life. But judging from scripture I can only conclude that our God is much more interested in how I treat the poor and the broken and the hungry than the personal pronouns I use when I sing. I am a believer. Many of these songs talk about this belief. An obligation to say this or do that does not sound like the glorious freedom that Christ died to afford me. 

I do have an obligation, however, a debt that cannot be settled by my lyrical decisions. My life will be judged by my obedience, not my ability to confine my lyrics to this box or that. 

We all have a different calling; Switchfoot is trying to be obedient to who we are called to be. We're not trying to be Audio A or U2 or POD or Bach: we're trying to be Switchfoot. You see, a song that has the words: ‘Jesus Christ’ is no more or less ‘Christian’ than an instrumental piece. (I've heard lots of people say Jesus Christ and they weren't talking about their redeemer.) You see, Jesus didn't die for any of my tunes. So there is no hierarchy of life or songs or occupation only obedience. We have a call to take up our cross and follow. We can be sure that these roads will be different for all of us. Just as you have one body and every part has a different function, so in Christ we who are many form one body and each of us belongs to all the others. Please be slow to judge ‘brothers’ who have a different calling.”

I would never have been able to sum it up this way, but fellas, THIS IS THE TRUTH. And we all ought to face it that as Christians we are called to be obedient to our calling, regardless of whether it pertains directly or indirectly to the Kingdom of God.

Overcoming pride (Part 2)

Before I carry on, allow me to apologize for the pride expressed in my previous post. I know I've highlighted many injustices that I felt my fellow brothers in Christ have had against me, but I have come to realize that it is not for me to say who is right or wrong. After all, we are all the epitome of human imperfection and even I am not free from sin, from the making of mistakes. I still possess very strong emotions myself and I am learning to handle them by relying on His strength. In spite of that, I must say, lately I've been quite successful at converting most of my rage into tears. It might sound peculiar to everyone else, but personally it brings me great joy because I know once I've shed them, I remember what He has done for me and the transformation He pioneers in my life that will come into full completion in time.

Therefore, I sincerely apologize for the comments I have made in my previous post and I am assured that in addressing these issues with guidance from the Holy Spirit, slowly I will cease to withhold distaste or even hatred against anyone.

I'll be frank, I wasn't planning on blogging today because I have many other commitments to abide by such as my IR quiz tonight, my TOEFL test tomorrow (keep me in prayer!) and my research proposal due next week. These evils have rendered me trapped within the confines of my room in an attempt to study, but having read the books of 1 and 2 Timothy in the Bible a couple of moments ago, I felt there was a need to jot down some of the Scriptures that I felt spoke to me. There were a few Scriptures that stood out as I recited it out loud, but I'll share just one of them here as I feel it relates to some of the issues I've been having with regards to the realm of relationships - between brethren, that is.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have been ensconced in a conflict with one of my sibling in Christs for quite some time now. I stated that a difference in ideals and temperance were the sole causes of this matter, but now I'm beginning to see that the problem does partly have to do with myself as well. I've had many experiences myself in relationships that see a clash in opinion as a daily undertaking, but never have I in my entire life resolved to overcome the issue. If something ever turned out bad a couple of years ago, you would have seen my back turned against the person I was conflicted with, never to speak to them ever again. I saw that as the most grandiose of solutions as well as a permanent resolve to most conflicts, and for many years it remained that way.

However, the Vivian I was 4 years ago and the Vivian I am right now are two different people altogether. The person I was a couple years back was one inclined towards retaliation and revenge. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. I was always out to justify my right, my stand and I relied on the views of others to remain steadfast as a person. Upon glancing at today's circumstances, I must admit I still hold some of the same emotions. I still have some of my wounds with me although they're beginning to clot and dry up. Soon they will be scars - marks that will remind me of the mistakes I once made, the sin I once took joy in before I regularly repented and renewed my mind. The only contrast between then and now would be that my mindset is beginning to take a turn. I'm starting to see that leaving is not as great of a solution as I thought it would be.

A lot of self-motivation and psychology-related reading material and talk shows tell us to favor the growth of our self-esteem over trying to be a nice person. They advocate happiness and not allowing ourselves to feel hurt or pain with the reason being that our destiny as an individual is too important. Often, we see this as an answer to all our relationship problems and thus, we choose to shun people out of our lives before even having the chance to evaluate the whys and hows of the conflict itself. We think we are too important as a person to deal with any conflict because our comfort as a person is more crucial to ourselves. It then becomes a lot about us, us and US. Now, I'm not saying that every fallout is always going to be on our account - there are some people that we're going to have to let go of in our lives, such as those who continue to speak negatively into our lives out of despise, jealousy or hatred. But if a recurring pattern of conflict begins to emerge in your life, would that not be a sign for us to begin looking at the bigger picture? Shouldn't we cease counting the faults of others and gaze at the people we've let ourselves become to others?

As I mentioned earlier, my immediate resolve as a person then would always be to remove any individual that induced provocation or what I viewed as discouragement from my life for the sake of my happiness. I often thought it was just easier to remove people from my life if I couldn't understand how their personality came to be and upon what foundations where they birthed from. It was easy enough to do with people who didn't share the same faith with me and it was much more common to contemplate it whenever it had to do with people who shared the same Christian faith as I do. My pride and my emotions were top priority.

But I've come to realize that the key isn't to prevent myself from getting hurt - it's to know who to allow to hurt you.

This year, I have answered a call from God to turn away from my old resolutions. I still struggle with my pride almost every day, but being conscious about my thoughts has helped me gain a new mindset in Christ. Anyway, the Bible scripture that stood out to me earlier was 2 Timothy 2:23-26.

"Again I say, don't get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth. Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants."

Upon reading this, I knew He was speaking to me. There have been many instances in which I feel that some of my brethren in Christ are still bound to the ways of the world and have fallen prey numerous times to lethargy and idleness, and I feel hard-heartedly that I must correct them. I always feel the constant need to tell some people off that what they are doing does not align with the Bible, especially after having a Scripture slammed in my face so as to convict me. And I know very well that sometimes I misuse Scripture just to get back at a person who criticizes me, in which they likewise employ to counter me and before I know it, minor arguments have escalated into a full-fledged verbal war in which attacks below the belt are prone. A terrible example of stewardship, I know. Sigh.

Nevertheless, it is said in 2 Timothy 3:16, "All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right," So no, discouragement is not the essence of these revelations - repentance is. I know I have this problem, and I must rely on Him to solve it. Sometimes people may say something to criticize me as a person and I know I won't like it. Chances are, I'd bite back and worse, with the Bible. But the Bible says not to get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments. Therefore, I must evaluate the validity of the criticisms given as well as the intention of the person offering the piece of criticism. If I simply dismiss someone without performing these evaluations, I might have missed out on an opportunity to make right what is wrong simply because I assume all criticism is for the worse. Now, I realize that it is not.

Also, if I know that a sibling in Christ is not obeying the Word of God and if worse, is going against it, I shouldn't be harsh on them but exercise patience. After all, we are to patiently correct, rebuke and encourage people with good teaching (2 Timothy 4:2). And I should never, ever, ever use the Word of God to criticize people out of spite. Whatever I do should be on account of love and concern, as He constantly reminds me to do. Man, these are some tough things to abide by if I had to figure it out on my own.

Again, writing has provided me with liberation. I've been on the brink of wanting to eliminate people from my life again simply because I don't see eye-to-eye with them and I have distaste for them within me, but I'm really gonna need God's strength to help me pull through. But I believe that as long as He sustains me and I rely completely on His strength, I will be the most patient person on the face of this earth. EVER. Like, I mean it.

And hopefully, these efforts will be mutual on the other party's part. I don't expect that it be, because then my obedience would be painted with selfish ambition, but yeah, I really hope things are bound to change as I slowly begin to change as a person.

So there you go, another testimony on the undertakings in reducing the level of pride within me. Thanks again for reading, all you non-existent readers out there :)