What am I doing here?

The same question permeated my mind, yet again.

"What am I doing here?"

In 2012, I made the decision to pursue my education in the U.S. After my SPM trials, I signed up for ADP with my SPM forecast results, with a plan to do my first two years here and finish up the remaining two years abroad.

Once out of the penitentiary they called high school, I was on fire. The sparks of dissension that I'd kept inside for eleven years in conformity to the education system had been fan into flames, and I was convinced it could not be put out. Having been told by countless teachers that psychology was a degree attained in vain, with no credible prospects, I was determined to prove them wrong. I wanted to show them that I was the real deal, that I was truly passionate about psychology and all those other numbskulls just weren't doing it right and in not doing so, were tarnishing the name of those who actually took the profession seriously.

And so I had college all planned out - get into a good undergraduate psychology program in an accredited university and graduate with highest honors, use those credentials for a good clinical psychology program in graduate school and graduate with a Masters, and then perhaps do a PhD. And once I was done with school, I'd come home and save Malaysia from moral decay, with whatever that I'd learned. I had plans, and I was convinced they'd come to fruition.

But it is God who directs our steps.

"What am I doing here?"

A day ago, I was walking back to the apartment with some of the international students, who were having a conversation about careers. Somehow during the conversation, one of the guys mentioned that the corporate world was a bitter place. Having sentiments of my own regarding the prospect, naturally, I spoke.

"This is why I don't want to work in the corporate world. I'd rather just be a part of clergy. Well, that's not that easy either, but at least I'm doing the work of the kingdom. I really don't know what I'm doing here. I should be in a seminary studying theology."

I couldn't be gladder for the silence that ensued and the fork that split our paths. I bid the guys farewell and took off.

This was not, the first instance, that I'd uttered something like that amongst the crowd I was with.

Over the course of three months back in Malaysia, the mystery of the gospel was revealed to me. Yet, God's plan of redemption did not begin so recently. I had already spent a year of struggling with church and my discovery of the God of the Bible through Christian Fellowship. I spent five months taking New Testament Survey, and learned to see the significance of Jesus in a way I never had before. And when I returned home over the summer, I was able to plug back into CF and study Colossians, and attend a different church, where gradually, the gospel began to unfold and the picture became clear to me. When I understood the sovereignty of God in His saving work, and the greater picture of God's plan of reconciliation, Scripture began to make sense. When I saw the sufficiency of the work of the incarnate word and the inscripturated word, I realized I had lived a life of pride and self-righteousness - of rebellion. Repentance was in order, and I was renewed. And yet, I am continually being renewed.

I had tasted the goodness of the Lord. I couldn't imagine going back to a life lived out of selfish ambition, no matter how inclined I was to succumb to it.

On one hand, a great weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could see the power of the Cross, and trust in God's sanctifying work in my life. On the other, I was perturbed. I had made many decisions out of selfish ambition, and well, the costly dream of studying in the U.S. was one of them. While my heart may have changed, I still had to face the consequences of my decision. At this point, I wanted so badly to remain in Malaysia and devote the rest of my life towards ministry, because there was a lot of work in preaching the gospel that had to be done at home. But I could not bring myself to do it, because while I could disregard the pains I had taken to be halfway across the world, I could not dismiss my parents' sacrifices. They'd paid so much to have me here. They'd worked so hard, even when they didn't have to, just so I could achieve this, well, dream. I needed to take responsibility for my actions, because I needed to honor God by honoring my parents too. It seemed like I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

For a while I felt like I was living with the consequences of my actions, that this was second best, since I'd chosen self over God prior to this. I wondered to myself why I'd discovered the gospel at such a time as this, where it seemed to be a crucial transition point in my life. I wasn't ending something or beginning something new. I am halfway through college, and there are expectations I need to live up to. I couldn't very well choose to drop out of college, not after I'd convinced my entire family that I was certain of my orientation in life.

"What am I doing here?"

I realize it is truly by the grace of God that I am here. Today, I am reminded that the sovereign Lord has known this and let this occur for a reason. And because He is sovereign, He is using my mistakes, the steps I take, to work out His plan, for His glory. That's truly something to be thankful for.

I had social psychology class this morning. We were learning about the self, and at this point my professor was holding a discussion about self-esteem. He was using the example of a speaker at convocation, who was going on and on about how God needs "you" and wants "you" to be lifted up as a person for His glory. While he didn't believe that it was completely untrue that God does use people for His glory, my professor was rather disturbed that there was so much emphasis on God needing us, rather than us needing Him. Such language promoted the elevation of the self, rather than God, and exposed the true state of Christianity in the hearts and minds of the American people. They'd wanted God, church and morale, and yet they'd wanted individualism, capitalism and right to bear arms. But they couldn't have both, and well, my professor just put it out there plainly.

However, while he'd said that, he also said that "I don't agree with preaching that completely elevates the self, and neither do I agree with preaching that considers us rubbish, or the scum of the earth." I saw his point, but I couldn't really agree with that. So I timidly raised up my hand.

"We are rubbish. We are scum. But the thing is, we are saved by grace. We are nothing, but God's grace on us changes that - it gives us hope. So I don't think it's completely right to say we're not rubbish because we are, but the point is not that it leads to hopeless despair. It's the understanding that God has redeemed us and therefore we live a life of humility and hope, knowing it is His grace that gets us through."

And when he asked about our perception of self-esteem, yet again I gave input. A girl before me had explained that it is good to have some amount of self-esteem, with the story of how she was raised in a Christian family that taught her that no one was any entitled or special, that all were saved by grace and, but that because of that same grace also, we were able to do whatever we had to do. I agreed with that, but I wouldn't have called it self-esteem, I opined. As Christians, if we truly live by the grace of God, we wouldn't be surviving on account of confidence in ourselves, but confidence in God.

It was probably a radical thing to say, because at the end of class, a girl came up to me and introduced herself. She was thankful that I'd been bold enough to speak up for what I believed in, and saw that even in a psychology class that God was present and sovereign. I thanked her for telling me that, and yes, I spent the entire day pondering.

So why is this important?

While I was back in Malaysia, there was a point where I contemplated aborting operation and just remaining home, because I had heard from my peers the stories of their comrades aborting their mission by being abroad. They've had friends who went to the U.S., who were extremely convinced that missions could take place abroad, only to realize that Americans are a difficult bunch to evangelize to. Some realized the futility of the endeavor, while others were sucked into the cycle of complacency, that remains to many Christian college students, a constant threat.

On one hand, I was afraid. Would I get sucked in too? On the other hand, I was bent on staying hardcore - I'd stay connected with people back home as fervently as I could, I'd find a good Reformed church here and find community to be accountable with and I'd build relationships with people who I know could be a potential disciple, and help them learn the bible. Having chosen to continue here, I had to go with the latter. I was going to persevere, and I wasn't going to let those "liberal Americans" get to me.

With that mindset, I had painted a bleak picture for myself. I convinced myself that Americans were all alike - that none of them were real Christians to begin with (ugh, liberals lol). I reasoned that the local church was horrifying in their theology and doctrine, and were hopeless. I thought of life here as a bad dream, all while waiting to graduate and be completely free to partake of the obedience of faith for the rest of my life. Like yes lah, right, follow Jesus for the rest of my life, onz wehh. All this other stuff rubbish weh. But until then, I'm going to have to keep fighting for the Truth and remain hostile to sin.

The past week saw me slip up, by forgetting God's sovereignty in my life and ceasing to trust Him to be faithful even when I was not. But today reminded me God is in fact in control, even if I forget that He is. I'd skipped the possibility that God has His chosen people here in America too, and I'd ceased to give them the benefit of the doubt. I thought capitalism and individuality had swallowed everyone (lol). I assumed all people think church is just about being good, and they know nothing else, and well, that was "common sense".Guess I was wrong, and well, I was glad to be, this time.

I can be so stupid. But praise God that He knows what He's doing at all times and is merciful upon a feeble human being like me!

It's not going to get easier from this point on. It's the second week of class and I'm already finding myself having to live up to the faith that I profess with my mouth and have tattooed on my heart. I realize I need to be discerning in my speech, so that all things may be done for His glory. Yet, I know that there are some things that just need to be said, and they typically will be offensive and controversial, because the word of God is alive and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, cutting through the soul and spirit, joint and marrow. But this is how we work out our salvation and preach the gospel, be it in class or on the pulpit.

"What am I doing here?"

I think I'm beginning to have a sense of what it means to be Christian now. It's some badass shit. And you never know what'll happen to you in America. I could get gunned down for offending someone (thank you Texas).

But no matter how pee-in-my-pantsy-feely I get, I'm just gonna have to trust God and continue to preach Christ crucified.

Psycholo-geez

It's been more than a month now since I started college. I think it's suffice to say that I've met people from various walks of life, and I have friends I could talk to, although I'm still a little reserved. I guess time will take its course and I'll grow deeper in my friendships with people.

Most of the people that I've become friends with so far, aren't my classmates. You'd think that since I see these people, every day I'd be friends with them, right? WRONG. Firstly, most people in my classes already have their own group of friends and they've been there for a while to know one another and feel no inclination to befriend that unfamiliar Asian girl sitting right in front of class. Secondly, people here are fast. Yes, they move very quickly. When lectures end, people are out of the door in seconds. I'm always the last person there, and well, yes it's awkward, but well, it's sad too, because then I'd have no one I could talk to, just to get to know them. I did make one friend in class, but that's pretty much my success rate, which really isn't successful at all. But oh well, I tried and I'm content.

Instead, I make friends at the cafeteria. Typically, I don't have plans to go to lunch or dinner with anyone, except for the one friend I made in my gender psych class, whose company I really enjoy, but apart from that, I usually just go in and sit with people I recognize. To be fair, I did meet a couple of people during orientation and so I sat with those people first, but then they had their friends and once I got to know them, I got to sit with them too even if the people I'd met first weren't there. It makes perfect sense. That's how I've been social with people in these past couple of weeks, by sitting with people and just talking to everyone.

A few weeks ago, I decided to sit with a friend I had met at the caf from sitting with other people and as usual, I met some new faces. My friend introduced me to some of them, including this girl, C, who was a junior and taking classes to enter physical therapy school. She seemed pretty quiet, but I said hi to her anyway and then she said hi too. Still being pretty awkward, I didn't converse with her much, though I did talk to the people I already knew. The conversation was mostly about college and some other things, and then I shared a little about my struggle of fitting in and how strange my classes were.

As I talked to my friend, other people on the table tuned into our conversation, including C. Realizing that C was paying attention, I took a more inclusive approach with the group and shared with everyone about how I felt, but more particularly with C. My friend had told me that she'd been here long enough to know quite a bit, and so I made it a point to get her opinion. Seeing that she was looking right at me anyway, I directed my question to her, about how classes were in general, but I didn't mention her name.

But she didn't respond. She kept looking at me, but she didn't say anything. At first I thought she might've been thinking, but after an awkward silence, I wasn't sure what to make of it, and so I turned toward someone else and asked that person instead. I got my question answered, but I was still wondering why she hadn't responded to my question. She was looking right at me, so she would have known I was talking to her. Nevertheless, I just shrugged it off, thinking maybe she was distracted.

After we met for the first time, I began noticing her in the Caf more often. Sometimes I'd say hi and sit with her, along with some others. And again, during conversations, she held the same look, the same gaze, or stare, whatever you might want to call it, when people spoke. Occasionally, people would ask her questions and she would answer them, but when the conversation was generally about anything and everything, she was mostly silent, although she did add to it once in a while. Sometimes I'd ask questions and she'd answer them too, though not without some form of silence at first.

I also began noticing C around campus. Once a friend and I had bumped into her, and we ended up having small talk with her. Other times, I alone saw her, and I'd say hi. It took her a while to reply though, and I wondered if that might have been because she didn't remember me, or did not consider me close enough to say hi. A couple of times after that, I guess I saw her but I decided I wouldn't say hi because well, it was awkward.

But now I feel bad, because I just found out why.

I was just browsing the news section on the college website when I stumbled across an article of an interview of C. I'd known she was an athlete by the clothes she often wore, but I didn't quite know what she did and what was it that was so special about her that she landed an interview for the news section.

She's blind, and she has been, for most of her life.

It all began to make sense. She couldn't see me, and so she couldn't respond, or would take longer to if she noticed me somehow. She could look right at the person who was talking because she had a good auditory sense, but she could not know for sure, sometimes.

I feel horrible. I feel stupid, actually. How could I not have realized she was blind? And all this time, I thought she was just strange, and didn't want to acknowledge me somehow.

Man, I was blind. To the disabled. To everything. Well, I could tell if someone was physically impaired, but I could never tell if someone was intellectually challenged. I just assumed they were strange characters, but I never saw mental disorders as part of the reason why.

And to think that I'm an aspiring clinical psychologist. I must be crazy.

But really, I think she just helped me see. I see now that the world is a more diverse place than I'd ever imagined. I see now that people are truly different, not just in the color of their skin or in their age, but even in their functional ability. I'd never been in a school that catered the needs of the disabled, but now I have, and it's amazing. It's great that I am part of a school that includes everyone and gives all people a chance to have an education, and I notice things I probably would've overlooked in the past. I see now why toilets seem abnormally larger than I would envision - it's so a wheelchair could come through. I see now why there are walkways around campus - it's so the blind can navigate and know where they are going.

I see that these people are very much like you and me, just different in some ways. They might be missing a limb, or their eyesight, or even their intellectual capacity, but they aren't lacking as a human being.

They can live life as fully as we can, if not fuller.

Wow.

Sorry stupid post

I'm scared.

I want to go home. I don't want to stay here anymore. I just want to be with family.

I just want to talk to Popo. I want to hear her singing in the kitchen, her singing in the shower. I want to drink clear chicken soup in the dining room and complain about her drinking too much coffee, and her watching too many Hokkien dramas. I want to listen to her grandmother stories, the vivid recollections of her childhood and youth. I want to say goodnight and rest early to her before I solemnly agree to go to sleep and secretly surf the net until 1AM.

Yet, I also want to talk about this new place I'm gonna call home for the next two years. But I can't, because my face is doused in tears and I'm trying hard as hell to hold this fort up when everything's crumbling down.

I'm scared, and I really miss home.

Coconut tree

I honestly don't know what I'm doing these days. On the outside, I seem to be taking on each day as usual, living each moment to the extent it is deemed adequately lived. Inside, however, I am all but okay.

I don't remember how it happened. I don't recall what it was that made me slip out of that momentum of obedience and passion for Christ. My spiritual life has been dry and sure, I see God working in many different ways, but something seems to be missing. I wonder if I'm trying hard enough to seek Him, or if there's a hindrance that disallows me from finding my dad in Heaven. And a lot of times, I wonder if it's because I haven't exactly made a substantial amount of progress with my dad at home.

Yeah sure, we went out two nights ago to watch the World Cup finals at Mayang, but not much was said or done. I had him accompany me, but I wasn't sure if that was a legit dad-daughter hang out sesh. And I'm still wondering. But just when I think perhaps things could take a turn for the better, I've done something to disappoint him, yet again.

I rammed my Swift into a coconut tree.

Yes, as funny and absolutely ridiculous as it sounds, I caused that dent on the back of my car by hitting a coconut tree. I was reversing my car while attempting a three point turn at a housing area, but as I kept my focus forward, my back (and only) sensors somewhat fell asleep and didn't tell me that my car was about to hit something. But it did, and when I drove to the side of the street to examine my car, I saw the dent.

Well crap.

Anyway, I couldn't do much to salvage the damage done (pushing the dent outwards failed) so I guess I had to carry on with whatever I had planned for the day and worry about it later.

And so I drove to Klang with JY by my side. Fortunately, we managed to find the place after a safe journey there, so that was one good thing that happened today.

I'm sure anyone who's reading this right now is probably thinking, "One good thing? Your Instagram pictures show otherwise."

Well, you gotta make the most out of everything and I think yeah, I had a great time today. I got my bak kut teh fix, and I got to visit Setia City Mall and go into jakun mode at that beautiful lawn. That was good.

It could have been better though, if I wasn't having period cramps. But the thing about life is that it throws you lemons sometimes, and you just gotta learn to make lemonade and stop whining about how sour everything tastes.

Okay, so I guess that makes it three good things that happened today. Oh wait, four, considering that I finished one more bit of my research paper. I have four more bits to go, but I think I'll manage it, given that I have an entire day to finish it tomorrow (if I don't procrastinate).

So I guess the bottom line is that today was a relatively good day. And even if things did go wrong, it still was a day gone by and a day accounted for in my life; and I will not disregard it.

After all, even Job, the man who undertook a whole lot of crap from Satan when the Lord allowed for him to be tested said in Job 2:10, "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?"

What difference should it make? Is life meant to be a sugar coated endeavor in which we are immune to all inconvenience? Does receiving the bad undermine the ability of God to be in control and exert His holiness?

NO. Our God is just. God will always be God, even in spite of our fickle and fallen nature.

I guess I've found my answer then. I need to continue to pursue Him, until I find out what this is all about.

God is always God, His love never fails and though I don't always see Him, He remains omnipresent and REAL in my life.

Penang road trippin' - Day 1

Breakfast at Ipoh before we departed

At the top of Kek Lok Si Temple

The view from the top of Penang Hill

Some colorful binoculars I refused to pay for usage

Love locks @ Penang Hill

Cute owl plushies at The Owl Museum

Signature dessert ABC, or ais batu campur. Essentially it's a shaved ice dessert with kidney beans, flavored syrup and other relevant condiments.

Oyster omelette (also known as 'Oh Chien') @ Anjung Gurney hawker center. This was way overpriced, frankly.

Night shot taken by Gurney Drive. Had no tripod, else there would have been more shots.

I've been to Penang numerous times before that I have not bothered with aimless photographing of all things "Penang". However, I do not frequently visit the island as frequently as I do Ipoh, so I figured I'd go ahead and capture my experience while I was there. Most of the memories are stored in video footage form, which I have not gotten along to compile and publish just yet. The next set of photographs should include a hiking trail, a beach and several museum artifacts. I hope I'll find the time to post them along, since my semester has begun.

On a different note, I attended my first creative writing class today and I received good remarks on my 15-minute impromptu monologue in class. My only issue had to do with delivery, which I agree with, given that I was partly mumbling and did not project my voice well enough. Apart from that, things are certainly looking up. U.S. History was pretty interesting, although I do hope I won't be the only girl in class for the rest of the semester. I did see some familiar faces, however, so I guess that's rather comforting to know. I have to admit that I was pretty nervous having to step into creative writing class since the rest of the class is composed of ADP junkies (which basically are the cool kids). And then there's me.

Well, I guess I'll find my voice soon enough and as long as I do, I will be fine. What's even more comforting than good remarks on the first day of class and familiar faces is the Holy Spirit. He was there even in creative writing, assuring me that I ought to be myself and that I will not have to worry. So I've found that I really can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Praise the Lord!

That's about it, I suppose. I've just spent almost 3 hours in the library editing photos and garnering fashion inspiration while waiting for CF. Prayer meet's about to begin so I ought to go.

Thanks for reading anyways. I love you, whoever you are, haha.

Ipoh road trippin'

As it turned out, Ipoh has its own set of street art as well. All the murals were located along an entire street and there weren't quite as many as there were in Penang. Nevertheless, that didn't stop us from traipsing across this part of town, mimicking painted personae and engaging in group shots/selfies.

White coffee

Where we lived

Frankly, I've been to Ipoh countless times so I didn't really take it upon myself to photographically capture every meal we had during the trip. Rather, I focused more on getting group shots to create substantial memorabilia, as well as capture the surroundings of Old Town. I've always found the rusticity of Ipoh appealing, but I never got around to photograph any of it until last week. I'm truly grateful for this trip, I must say, and although I do have my doubts on whether I would go again with a company of twelve, I wouldn't have missed this one any other way. This time around, however, I managed to try my hand at videography where I pretty much shot scenes to incorporate into a montage of the entire trip. I've completed a montage of our first day in Ipoh, so do check it out below!

Until then!

Blogroll : The Clothes Horse

I promised I would post up something other than my personal musings on my faith; so here it is!

While most people would like to think that the persona I embody is one of intellect and of religiosity, I certainly beg to differ. Mind you, I do not spend hours on end reading books of all genres, having my nose buried in them till satisfaction come. I may have provided such an impression to most people on account of how seriously I take my academic standing and the pennings of my experiences in my walk with God, but honestly, I spend about 95 per cent of my time on an average day being engrossed in this seemingly endless magical realm known to all as the World Wide Web.

To rebut your allegations that I am the "smart" kind (in which smart refers to book smart), here is a list of a few of my favorite blogs which I consistently visit when I am not in haste trying to get work done or running about in ministry. I have always had a penchant for the visual arts in one form or another and I find joy in expanding my interest in the matter by browsing through relevant online materials. I especially enjoy exploring fashion blogs given that I've always marvelled at how clothes are in itself wearable art and the flexibility of matchmaking between different pieces to form a clothing ensemble. In fact, I do sometimes take heed of these trends and seek to subtly incorporate them into my college ensembles (although more often than not I fail miserably as a result of insufficient financing, heh). Apart from that, I also follow food blogs (well, just one actually). There really is nothing like staying up late at night, casually scrolling past pictures of delectable food in sweet surrender to your hunger pangs. Really.

Thus, in the next couple of days, I will be sharing some of my favorite blogs with you, beginning with a fashion blog I avidly follow for today's post.

1. The Clothes Horse



I don't quite remember how I stumbled across this blog, but I'm pretty sure I came across it many years ago back in my high school days when I was still relatively new to blogging. I wasn't always consistent in my following of this blog; for a couple of years I avidly tracked every blog and then I went on a blogosphere hiatus for a bit before I recently went back to reading fashion blogs, in which this was one of them.

The Clothes Horse is a personal style blog that features daily outfit posts, magazine editorials, movie reviews, illustrations, and other inspirational misc, as advocated by blog owner, Rebecca. While many other fashion blogs I've come across tend to pick up on runway trends and are very quick to waver according to season, The Clothes Horse has remained largely untainted in this area. Perhaps this can be accredited to Rebecca's sense of style, which is very much inclined towards more vintage prints and pieces, although lately she's begun to step out in more contemporary ensembles.

    

Photos by The Clothes Horse

Nevertheless, Rebecca firmly believes that fashion isn't something to be critiqued, but is reliant on the differing standpoints of each unique individual in their outfit choices and overall personal style. It is this philosophy that perhaps drew me to The Clothes Horse and has gained my loyal following since. Apart from her daily outfit posts, her blog also celebrates other fashion icons (be they known or relatively unknown on the runway) for their individuality in their fashion ensembles, as well as their boldness in showcasing them publicly. I also enjoy feasting with my eyes on posts on illustrations, vintage photography spreads, as well as vintage film reviews which has somewhat shaped the way I view art as much as it serves as an inspiration for Rebecca's personal style.

I do admit that the blog has changed quite a bit along the years (read history HERE), with Rebecca donning new hairstyles every year or so (I especially liked the time she had blue hair) and improvement in the area of photography, which perhaps can be attributed not only to Rebecca's increasing expertise in taking self-timer shots but the presence of her Irish boyfriend Thomas, who happens to be a photographer himself. Rebecca's even gone so far as to begin her first zine and start a mini online business of selling jewellery she hand paints herself. Personally, I'm looking forward to see what this blog will become in the coming years, and I silently yearn to meet her in person someday when I am in the States. Impossible, it seems, but that won't keep me from dreaming :)

__________________________

I initially intended for my favorites to encompass one post, but considering the bandwidth I took up in describing just one blog, I figured I'll continue the series with two more blogs I follow in another post or two.

I hope you enjoyed reading this, ta!

Not sorry for Planetshaking

In those three days, I praised Him like I'd never praise before.

I worshipped Him with all my might, with all my soul and with all my breath.

I cried so much in one night that I had no more tears to shed the nights after that.

I absorbed so much of the Word like a sponge and yet I still long for more.

I spoke and sang in tongues longer than I'd ever done before.

I paid attention to His voice and obeyed His commands in spite of the reluctance of my flesh.

I have rebuked and rejected the Devil's propositions so many times that I now only ever remember God was and is and will always be, VICTORIOUS.

I have been so patient with my family members these days that it's beginning to freak me out  (in a good way) just how God's strength is so immense.

I am so convicted that my only substantial fear is that I do not accomplish my life's purpose of going out to preach the Word and make disciples of all the nations before my time is come.

I have received so much love that I cannot allow myself to fall back into the hate I was once immersed in, but allow instead my love to overflow on others.

There has been so much I've been through in the days since the retreat and in those three days at Planetshakers that giving an account of it all within a couple of hours (that's how much time I take to write a post) would be absolutely IMPOSSIBLE. I could pull an all nighter and challenge myself to write everything down, but I'm honestly too busy trying to read the Word and live the Word that I may not have all the time in the world to record my journey. Nevertheless, I am trying my very hardest to keep an account of what God has done with my life and what He has shown me.

Instead of describing all my experiences in one lengthy post, the next couple of posts will be a series of short testimonies that I hope will adequately explain how amazing God has been in spite of the circumstances. I've got some of my points down, but I haven't really gotten around to edit the drafts into several cohesive units of writing. But I can assure you that these things will surface on this blog soon enough :)

Until then, you'll just have to stay put. Also, it doesn't matter whether you're Christian or not whenever you come across this blog and find another post dedicated to my faith. These words were meant to bless, to testify and to glorify God. You may be able to get some insight from some of the biblical principles stated here.

God bless all of you, and thank you - yes, YOU once again, for reading.

(F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou

You too, Mei Mei. And let's never forget my amazing Popo as well.

I don't know how anyone else would define the concept of love, or maybe I do. I know what it is they say about finding your soulmate or life partner, whichever way you want to put it and having the grand opportunity to spend the rest of your life with him or her. This message has been advocated over and over, millions of times now and again. Find someone special and you find love. Embrace the ecstasy, get comfortable, fight over a million incompatibilities and see if the entirety of this endeavor has been worth anything at all. But really, I refuse to believe that it is the only basis of love that deserves recognition.

To put my stance forward, love to me is the lengths anyone would go to put the other person first before themselves. If I recall accurately of my studies in interpersonal communication, this sort of love is known to be agape love. It's described as this godlike love, unachievable by human standards and immeasurable to the great sacrifices made by the enlightened and the divine. Yet, I refuse to believe that it cannot be fathomed by humanity nor do I condone any explicable or inexplicable reason anyone should give in order not to attempt its achievement. Perhaps my faith has risen to greater heights and many more cannot fathom let alone accept my stand, as I say this out of a recently birthed perspective.

And this, unconditional, sacrificial love, is the one I speak of when I refer to my family. It may seem inadequate for someone like me to preach something I have failed to practice for the past eighteen years of my life, but I do know what I am talking about. Having chased after the allure of romantic relationships and the seemingly blissful prospect of receiving attention from a member of the opposite sex years before this, I am very likely speaking the truth of my enlightenment on the subject as I carefully craft this paragraph. I have recently begun to question how far a distance I would go to put my family first before me and in this, to obey the Heavenly Father. I have imagined the worst misfortune that I feel could ever befall upon my family, and asked myself what I would do if such a situation occurred. I have even made mental deductions to the probabilities of their occurring and have somewhat mentally begun to arm myself so as to ward of the pains of the unexpected. I won't deny on this one, it's paranoia alright.

But I know that this is not the way. This is what manifests when I rely upon my own strength. This is what occurs when I choose to dwell on the negative than the positive. God never intended for anyone to live in despair upon encountering fears as He says in 2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

So you see it there, my dear readers. Of power and love and self-control. I'm currently working on the last bit of that phrase, but that's another story. My point is, love. God gave us a spirit of love. He also clearly states in Romans 8:28 this - "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." God has been gracious to me, and merciful. He has shown me so much in the course of almost a year, and I am so grateful that He has. I've had to endure many spiritual hardships, many of those I sometimes do not see other believers undertaking. Perhaps it is my ignorance, or simply, my test to undertake. But I pull through on a number of occasions, and I know that it was through Him, not me.

Anyway, back to love, guys. So what of it do I find so enlightening that it has led to this recorded train of thought? Well, in 1 John 4:18 it says, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." And that's that. Love destroys all fear. Someday I may have to make that sacrifice for my family. I may have to give up on some of my own dreams, such as that of going to the States, of giving a TED talk in California and even possibly the winning of a Nobel Prize. But what is all this if I don't have family? What will I make of life without the love and care of my most faithful supporters in this endurance race of making salvation worthwhile and pursuing godliness? Who can I share my joy with if not the very people who have worked so hard, who have prayed so eagerly and loved Him so faithfully all in accompaniment to my achievement of success?

And so I will, when I have to. I may have to give up everything someday because of love. But when I do, I will commit everything to Him, FEARLESSLY and UNCONDITIONALLY.

Throwback

In retrospect, 2013 has been a fruitful and eventful year altogether.

In summary, last year I got to:

1. Interview Dia Frampton in person

2. Step into university life

MATH171. I still loathe calculus!

COMM101

ENGL101 field trip

The Uninvited bunch after Meei Jin's theater performance

The CHEM101 bunch

Obligatory post-IPC final poster group photo

3. Confirm the attainment of my scholarship with pretty kick ass SPM results (and later work to kill these dreadful working hours)

4. Join CF

5. Pass my driving test at the third attempt without bribery

6. Drive my own car

7. Visit Singapore again after 4 years and restore connections with relatives there

8. Attend prom yet again

Nick's a real stud heh

9. Take on a post as secretary in CF

CF Committee '13/14

10. Meet Jason Chen and Clara C

11. Turn eighteen with a shower of love

La familia @ Uth

 And The Uninvited (BO JIO) bunch!

12. Obtain an official PAYING part time job as a copywriter

13. Meet Darren Ashley

14. Reestablish my presence in cell and in Alpha (albeit briefly)

15. Finally study the subject of psychology

16. Join 2 sports houses, and take part in a student organized Amazing Race

MASH

Kryptoknights!

17. Say goodbye to whom farewells are due

Kah Haw's

Shad's

3M - Miao Zii, Meei Jin and Mickey's

18. Get into an accident (obviously unintended)

19. Pay Sunway Lagoon a visit again after 12 years

Free tickets thanks to our dear mei mei!

20. Attend my first ever caroling session

21. Attend the inaugural Leader's Retreat

22. End 2013 at a watch night service with my leadership familia (it will be my last before I leave to the States)

... and etcetera.

Throughout the whole of last year, I've seen God bless me with the ability to retain a rather excellent CGPA, find favor with most of my lecturers and find great friends in a setting that was truly novel to me. On a less positive note, I made a rash decision to enter into a relationship at the beginning of the year as a result of the whimsicality of all these novel notions, but upon God's call for me to return to Him, I abruptly then called an end to the relationship on the basis of obedience. I also found conflict with some of my peers and doubted the friendships I was forming with them because they didn't seem to be my "type", but soon found that "types" were a manifestation of a narrow minded mindset and began to open up to people of different interests and of different preferred language in speech. God also reminded me that when it comes to people who delve in an ocean of sins, I must learn to love the sinner and hate the sin. I've come to understand that love does institute change in people, for in 1 Peter 4:8 it says, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."

Almost unknown to me, this year I was also able to honor God in various areas of my life - most of which I was unaware of due to my constant focus on the negative that I had engaged in rather than the positive. For one, I was able to make a conscious decision to honor my father and mother in multiple occasions. I heeded their call to return home early when I had to leave at night, and to call if I could not make it back in time. I had to forgo a couple of events I really wanted to attend out of my obedience to my parents, and had a number of rows with them on the account of their limitation of my freedom. However, during the retreat a couple of days ago, God spoke through my elder leaders that He acknowledged my effort, that He never once forgot the good I did in spite of the numerous horrible decisions I've made over the course of this year. And truly, it is encouraging to hear it from the Lord Himself and I will strive to honor my parents more and more each day.

With relation to honoring my parents, I've found that God has restored my relationship with both my parents, especially my father. Since my uncle's death, he's come to realize that the pursuit of fortune is a superficial and meaningless one, for even my uncle who worked so hard to sustain his family of one, ended up passing on before his time came. I truly thank God that he's finally come around to become a real dad, and I'm doing my very best to be a great daughter as well. I can earnestly witness what God has for my family - the things that have appeared to be a nuisance in the beginning have come to manifest itself as a blessing in disguise, all according to God's perfect plan. It really is AMAZING. Other than that, God has also shown me that the trials I have undertaken have had a great purpose. Being able to share my testimonies after overcoming the obstacles I have had in my life with other who are in the same rut and knowing that they've been encouraged by the words I've said certainly brings me great joy.

In summary, all that, was 2013. But I think the question on all our minds right now is, what's to come in 2014?

I hope this answers your question. My first ever vlog, but there will definitely be more to come.

To my dear readers who've stuck with me from the beginning until today, I thank you. Thank you for taking part in this journey with me. Whoever you may be, always know that you have my love and my endless gratitude.

Here's to a double blessed 2014!