TML

That stands for too many lessons. Lessons learned within one week, that is.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.
- Matthew 5:3

On Saturday, we had our youth leadership meeting, and during the meeting, we were told to read chapters five to seven in the book of Matthew. If you found that familiar, it's probably because those two chapters spell the entirety of the Sermon on the Mount. And if you thought the verse I quoted above was a lot more familiar, you might be right - that's the first line of the Beatitudes.

After we had finished reading, JN shared a message on the Beatitudes, about what Jesus meant in them and who each line referred to. When the verse above was being addressed, J asked a very important question -

"Who are the poor in spirit?"

One leader voiced, "The weak." I then mentioned, "The ones who easily fall for temptation." A couple others raised their views as well, but most of them went along the same lines. Anyhow, as expected, J's reply was this -

"The poor in spirit are the humble. They are the people who realize their spirit man is weak, and that they easily fall into temptation."

But what he said next was even more profound; "But when we are poor in spirit, we realize how rich God is."

Those words resounded within my mind, and slowly sank in as my fingers diligently stamped those words onto my S Memo. But it didn't strike me in spirit.

It was yesterday afternoon when I sent a friend of mine back to her house after an eventful morning attending The Color Run in KL and having banana leaf rice for lunch. I had to send her home because a) her parents weren't around to pick her up, and b) she had held onto some of my things, such as my Statistics notes and more importantly, my lecturer's professional recommendation. I'd passed my recommendation letter to her to get him to fill it up and sign, since he was her academic advisor as well and she was working there on a Tuesday, so I wouldn't have had to come to the university at such a strange hour in the morning to sort things out, when I had to be at uni at night as well for CF. And that, in essence, was my folly.

Although I had specifically e-mailed him on the procedures of filling up the form and SIGNING THE FLAP OF THE ENVELOPE before I could seal it, he somehow didn't do it. So you might think I should have told my friend to remind him, or even write a note to ensure that he did it. Thing was, I actually did. I left a post-it note on the form with proper instructions on what to do. I Whatsapp-ed my friend to ensure that she reminded him to sign the flap of the envelope, at all costs.

Nevertheless, for some yet unknown reason, he didn't do it. And he wasn't going to be in the office for another week.

When I received the envelope from her that afternoon, I was utterly pissed. I left her house in sheer disappointment, and made my way out of the housing area in my car. When I drove out, I turned out the wrong direction, as I entered the right side of the road where I sighted a dead end. Already frustrated and unwilling to do a three-point turn, I checked if the path behind me was clear of any traffic, and reversed my car straight and all the way to the back. With the accident from a couple of weeks ago still fresh in my mind, I made sure I looked backwards to see if there were any cars before I quickly reversed as such. However, I wasn't paying attention to my side mirrors and before I knew it, I had rammed my left side mirror onto the side of someone else's vehicle.

While my mirror did not completely break off, the edges of the frame cracked, while the entire casing bungeed onto the floor. On impulse, I uttered a chain of "Oh my God"s and jumped out of my car to observe the damage I had done to that innocent little side mirror that by the way, had absolutely nothing to do with whatever I was upset about. I picked up the fallen off casing and attempted to reinstall it onto the mirror. A part of me was relieved that I managed to stick it back onto the mirror, but a larger part of me was panicking because the damage was obvious, and I knew my dad would have been absolutely disappointed in me. I then told myself in a frenzy of emotion that I had to get it fixed on that day itself, and pay it with my own money, if I were to go home with a clear conscience. My dad couldn't find out about anything, because he would have chastised me for it, BIG TIME.

I made a three-point turn and drove down the road in the opposite direction. And then I just lost it.

I had absolutely no idea where to go, and I needed help. I couldn't figure this out on my own. I decided then to park my car at the side of the road and call a youth leader I was close to. He didn't pick up. I tried a different person, this time, J N, and he managed to pick up. Still bawling, I told him everything that happened and asked him where I could get my car fixed so I didn't have to tell my dad anything. J told me it was a Sunday, and that no workshops were open at the end of the week. He also told me that the right thing to do would be to be honest with my dad, because he probably valued our relationship over a material thing such as the car, and also told me to find the owner of the vehicle and leave my number there.

I managed to calm down for a bit after that, and I drove back to the spot I had hit the vehicle. I'm not sure if it was fortunate or otherwise, but it wasn't there anymore. I made a couple of rounds to see if I could find it anywhere because I specifically remembered I had made a dent on the right corner of the back of the vehicle, but it was nowhere to be found. Left without a choice, I exited the area and headed home.

I still found it strange how I managed to retain composure on the expressway, all the way home. I had stopped crying by then.

However, the moment I went home and confronted my parents, I started crying again. I struggled through the tears to profusely apologize to them, and eventually I retreated into my room and let the tears roll until I was calm again. A couple of minutes later, a knock on the door ensued. I already knew who it was, without a doubt.

I had gotten used to seeing my mum's response towards bad news, and often the bad news entailed my involvement in a road accident. I could sense the anger and disappointment in her voice as she questioned what went on in my mind while I was driving and all that had happened. I told her everything, about how the envelope wasn't signed, how I panicked and didn't focus on my driving and even how I made that call to J N, not knowing what to do. She sternly reminded me how this had become a serious problem and that I needed to make a choice.

I had to acknowledge that I had an issue with anxiety whenever I had to deal with a circumstance and do something about it, or blame something else on the account of my failure to focus on my driving.

Fortunately, I can peacefully say I chose the former. My mum and I established that the next time some bad news came up that stirred up feelings of anxiety, I would tell myself to and literally just STOP whatever I was doing at that point and continue to instill within me the fact that I had to CALM DOWN. I will tell myself to calm down and actually take deep breaths until I am mentally stable enough to carry on with whatever I was doing, especially DRIVING.

I still couldn't stop crying though. My mum told me to pick myself up and stop crying over spilt milk, because nothing could be undone, but I was already aware of that. I knew no amount of tears could change the fact that my side mirror was scratched or that my dad might have been severely disappointed in me.

I kept crying, because I realized at that point, what, or who I was. I was POOR IN SPIRIT. And I needed God. It was that moment, when I was utterly helpless and in need of grace that I had rekindled what it had felt like when I first encountered Jesus and realized how inadept I really was at figuring myself out. I couldn't. Only God could.

Anyhow, my dad came to me not long after that and said there wasn't much damage done to the mirror. He said he could easily fix it with some glue. Being the intelligent brat I was and still am, I knew deep inside that it was a lot worse than he'd said it was, but I kept silent, because I knew I was being shown grace and that I should openly receive it. For the first time in my life, I had known what it felt like to have a father's grace shown to me, in my physical family from my earthly father. And it was AMAZING.

My dad also told me that I could tell him and mum anything and everything, even if it was something as devastating as an accident. And obviously, I complied. My parents love me regardless of the hurts that I've caused them (although I could do less damage with my car), and I need to remember that at all times. Just like the Heavenly Father's love is given and is not earned, so are my parents' love. I guess I couldn't see that for a while, but my vision is clear as ever now.

So I learned three things over the weekend:

1. I have a choice whether to react to a situation or respond to it. Some of this fear is irrational, and worrying does not add an hour to my life. Nor does it change the fact that my recommendation was left unsigned. Anyhow, I managed to contact my lecturer and I'm meeting him this Friday to settle things, so PRAISE THE LORD! :D

2. I can trust my parents no matter what because they love me, and want the best for me. And that means chastising me for the things I've done wrong, and showing mercy when necessary. But I will always know that they love me and nothing comes above that.

3. I am poor in spirit, and that's a great thing!

God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good.

Coconut tree

I honestly don't know what I'm doing these days. On the outside, I seem to be taking on each day as usual, living each moment to the extent it is deemed adequately lived. Inside, however, I am all but okay.

I don't remember how it happened. I don't recall what it was that made me slip out of that momentum of obedience and passion for Christ. My spiritual life has been dry and sure, I see God working in many different ways, but something seems to be missing. I wonder if I'm trying hard enough to seek Him, or if there's a hindrance that disallows me from finding my dad in Heaven. And a lot of times, I wonder if it's because I haven't exactly made a substantial amount of progress with my dad at home.

Yeah sure, we went out two nights ago to watch the World Cup finals at Mayang, but not much was said or done. I had him accompany me, but I wasn't sure if that was a legit dad-daughter hang out sesh. And I'm still wondering. But just when I think perhaps things could take a turn for the better, I've done something to disappoint him, yet again.

I rammed my Swift into a coconut tree.

Yes, as funny and absolutely ridiculous as it sounds, I caused that dent on the back of my car by hitting a coconut tree. I was reversing my car while attempting a three point turn at a housing area, but as I kept my focus forward, my back (and only) sensors somewhat fell asleep and didn't tell me that my car was about to hit something. But it did, and when I drove to the side of the street to examine my car, I saw the dent.

Well crap.

Anyway, I couldn't do much to salvage the damage done (pushing the dent outwards failed) so I guess I had to carry on with whatever I had planned for the day and worry about it later.

And so I drove to Klang with JY by my side. Fortunately, we managed to find the place after a safe journey there, so that was one good thing that happened today.

I'm sure anyone who's reading this right now is probably thinking, "One good thing? Your Instagram pictures show otherwise."

Well, you gotta make the most out of everything and I think yeah, I had a great time today. I got my bak kut teh fix, and I got to visit Setia City Mall and go into jakun mode at that beautiful lawn. That was good.

It could have been better though, if I wasn't having period cramps. But the thing about life is that it throws you lemons sometimes, and you just gotta learn to make lemonade and stop whining about how sour everything tastes.

Okay, so I guess that makes it three good things that happened today. Oh wait, four, considering that I finished one more bit of my research paper. I have four more bits to go, but I think I'll manage it, given that I have an entire day to finish it tomorrow (if I don't procrastinate).

So I guess the bottom line is that today was a relatively good day. And even if things did go wrong, it still was a day gone by and a day accounted for in my life; and I will not disregard it.

After all, even Job, the man who undertook a whole lot of crap from Satan when the Lord allowed for him to be tested said in Job 2:10, "Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?"

What difference should it make? Is life meant to be a sugar coated endeavor in which we are immune to all inconvenience? Does receiving the bad undermine the ability of God to be in control and exert His holiness?

NO. Our God is just. God will always be God, even in spite of our fickle and fallen nature.

I guess I've found my answer then. I need to continue to pursue Him, until I find out what this is all about.

God is always God, His love never fails and though I don't always see Him, He remains omnipresent and REAL in my life.

Throwback

In retrospect, 2013 has been a fruitful and eventful year altogether.

In summary, last year I got to:

1. Interview Dia Frampton in person

2. Step into university life

MATH171. I still loathe calculus!

COMM101

ENGL101 field trip

The Uninvited bunch after Meei Jin's theater performance

The CHEM101 bunch

Obligatory post-IPC final poster group photo

3. Confirm the attainment of my scholarship with pretty kick ass SPM results (and later work to kill these dreadful working hours)

4. Join CF

5. Pass my driving test at the third attempt without bribery

6. Drive my own car

7. Visit Singapore again after 4 years and restore connections with relatives there

8. Attend prom yet again

Nick's a real stud heh

9. Take on a post as secretary in CF

CF Committee '13/14

10. Meet Jason Chen and Clara C

11. Turn eighteen with a shower of love

La familia @ Uth

 And The Uninvited (BO JIO) bunch!

12. Obtain an official PAYING part time job as a copywriter

13. Meet Darren Ashley

14. Reestablish my presence in cell and in Alpha (albeit briefly)

15. Finally study the subject of psychology

16. Join 2 sports houses, and take part in a student organized Amazing Race

MASH

Kryptoknights!

17. Say goodbye to whom farewells are due

Kah Haw's

Shad's

3M - Miao Zii, Meei Jin and Mickey's

18. Get into an accident (obviously unintended)

19. Pay Sunway Lagoon a visit again after 12 years

Free tickets thanks to our dear mei mei!

20. Attend my first ever caroling session

21. Attend the inaugural Leader's Retreat

22. End 2013 at a watch night service with my leadership familia (it will be my last before I leave to the States)

... and etcetera.

Throughout the whole of last year, I've seen God bless me with the ability to retain a rather excellent CGPA, find favor with most of my lecturers and find great friends in a setting that was truly novel to me. On a less positive note, I made a rash decision to enter into a relationship at the beginning of the year as a result of the whimsicality of all these novel notions, but upon God's call for me to return to Him, I abruptly then called an end to the relationship on the basis of obedience. I also found conflict with some of my peers and doubted the friendships I was forming with them because they didn't seem to be my "type", but soon found that "types" were a manifestation of a narrow minded mindset and began to open up to people of different interests and of different preferred language in speech. God also reminded me that when it comes to people who delve in an ocean of sins, I must learn to love the sinner and hate the sin. I've come to understand that love does institute change in people, for in 1 Peter 4:8 it says, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."

Almost unknown to me, this year I was also able to honor God in various areas of my life - most of which I was unaware of due to my constant focus on the negative that I had engaged in rather than the positive. For one, I was able to make a conscious decision to honor my father and mother in multiple occasions. I heeded their call to return home early when I had to leave at night, and to call if I could not make it back in time. I had to forgo a couple of events I really wanted to attend out of my obedience to my parents, and had a number of rows with them on the account of their limitation of my freedom. However, during the retreat a couple of days ago, God spoke through my elder leaders that He acknowledged my effort, that He never once forgot the good I did in spite of the numerous horrible decisions I've made over the course of this year. And truly, it is encouraging to hear it from the Lord Himself and I will strive to honor my parents more and more each day.

With relation to honoring my parents, I've found that God has restored my relationship with both my parents, especially my father. Since my uncle's death, he's come to realize that the pursuit of fortune is a superficial and meaningless one, for even my uncle who worked so hard to sustain his family of one, ended up passing on before his time came. I truly thank God that he's finally come around to become a real dad, and I'm doing my very best to be a great daughter as well. I can earnestly witness what God has for my family - the things that have appeared to be a nuisance in the beginning have come to manifest itself as a blessing in disguise, all according to God's perfect plan. It really is AMAZING. Other than that, God has also shown me that the trials I have undertaken have had a great purpose. Being able to share my testimonies after overcoming the obstacles I have had in my life with other who are in the same rut and knowing that they've been encouraged by the words I've said certainly brings me great joy.

In summary, all that, was 2013. But I think the question on all our minds right now is, what's to come in 2014?

I hope this answers your question. My first ever vlog, but there will definitely be more to come.

To my dear readers who've stuck with me from the beginning until today, I thank you. Thank you for taking part in this journey with me. Whoever you may be, always know that you have my love and my endless gratitude.

Here's to a double blessed 2014!

Venti

I know I said I'd be on hiatus until finals is over, but I don't think I can stuff anymore Biology facts into my mind (because clearly my brain is not a giant, delicious roasted turkey) and I really need to vent after all that's happened in the past week.

Last week, up until yesterday night, I was successfully able to screw up my life by getting into a car accident at night, not prepare for my IPC and film presentations and just yesterday, destroy the trust of a friend come acquaintance who had been faithfully giving me rides to and fro campus pro bono. And the most devastating part of all of this, was that it all could have been avoided if only I had listen to my head and not my heart.

My parents tell me it's all part of a learning process. Their final sentence, after everything I've been able to say to them in shame and utter agony is never beyond, "You can't change what has happened. Learn from it." I honestly gotta admit, it pains me when I hear that, because time and time again I tell myself to shake it off and move on, but I end up screwing myself over - each and every single time. It's a vicious cycle, and it bites me so hard that I find myself unable to stand up again after each fall. I am always so astonished at how easily I fall for temptation, even after having reinforced it in my head over and over again. Upon sharing this with a friend, he remarked, "Temptation is ever present, and it will always be the pitfall of man." I don't recall exactly what it was he said, but I know it was somewhere along those lines. And damn, that hit me hard.

So what else would I have classically done, if not dwell in a little introspection and abashedly, self-pity? I will be honest, it didn't appear to me that way until I'd prayed last night, crying myself to sleep and discovering this startling epiphany in the morning. Every single time I'd made a bad mistake, all I'd ever do is burst into tears and start hating myself. I'd condemn myself for being such an incompetent person, and I'd verbally abuse myself into believing I was a dumb fool, and there was nothing I could do to change it. I couldn't very well blame anyone else for my incompetence because I made that decision, in spite of knowing what I really needed to do, so there. Therefore, it always boiled down to wallowing in self-blame, self-hate and inevitably, self-pity.

Last night however, as I recalled everything that happened to my parents, pathetically sobbing in the car, I realized I can't go on with such an attitude. I can't simply just react after something bad happens and expect people to sympathize with me. I can't just cry and expect the other person whom I've hurt to feel my pain and see me swallow my own guilt. I can't just "shake it off" and pretend nothing ever happened. I can't just do all of that, because life doesn't resolve itself - YOU DO. Instead, I realize now that I have to come clean and own up for my mistakes. I have to say "I'm sorry" not because I want to garner responses of "It's okay, it's not your fault", but because I genuinely am apologizing for my mistakes. I have to ACCEPT that whatever has happened, has indeed happened, and I can only remember not to repeat the same mistakes again if I am to effectively move on.

And so I prayed last night, the way I haven't prayed in weeks. I turned to the Bible and I practiced speaking in tongues. I initiated control over the situation, and asked God for help. In Philippians 4:6-7 it says, "Do not be anxious for anything but in everything through prayer and petition, present your requests to the Lord. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Never had I seen such a profound significance in the reading of the scripture since I was last on fire for God, which was a really long time ago. I won't say it's a flame yet, but there's definitely a spark. As far as chasing after God goes, however, patience is the order of the day, and I don't instantly reap what I sow.

Nevertheless, I am confident that soon I will regain my composure. Two nights ago I dreamt of the accident, and it all happened too vividly. I saw myself unconscious of the fact that I was driving, and as a result, I'd slammed the brakes all too quickly when I realized I'd have to come to a halt in order not to hit the car in front. And then the sound of the crash, resounding in the dream. Twice, and then some. I woke up in a state of anxiety, and I was afraid again. It was as if a mixtape of a trance track titled, "It was all your fault" kept replaying in the music player of my mind. I only told my mum and a close friend of mind about this, and now, this invisible dwelling of a literary amateur, yours truly. Having said all of this, I acknowledge I need to face my demons. I need to say "NO" when I have to. I need to be conscious of the decisions that I make, and evaluate the consequences of performing a certain action before I proceed with anything. There will not be a next time, in the simplest of terms. I will not succumb to reckless driving. I will not let the circumstances dictate how I fare - it should be otherwise.

The other thing my mum said to me was to establish focus. From the very beginning, my very aim was to get to a university in the United States and graduate with a bachelor's degree in psychology and a minor in mass communications. It didn't matter where God would have placed me, as long as the university is reputable and offers financial aid. Ivy League was out of my, well, league. But it didn't matter. There were other ways I could still achieve that, even if it had to happen a little later in life. Anyhow, with that goal in mind, my priority was to achieve academic and co-curricular excellence here in Malaysia before I transferred over to the States. Fair enough, as far as I've come, God has enabled me to achieve that, and even made it a bonus that I got to serve him as part of my ECAs, with my involvement in the Christian Fellowship. How could I have asked for more?

And yet what did I do this year to undermine that goal? First, I made a rash decision to get into a relationship because everything seemed so novel to me and I thought I'd "try it out". Once I got out of that blunder, I unconsciously went ahead to seek refuge from a group of friends, whom I felt would help me transition back into life better and I unintentionally led on a friend of mine to believe that I was interested in getting attached again. And if that wasn't enough, I'd went on to make a lot more stupid decisions to break my curfew, go out even though I knew I should be obedient to my parents and rip off the bandages of my unhealed wounds, thinking it was all gonna be fine. All that also came with a couple of damages I caused my car, and allowing myself to listen to negative thoughts as well as dismiss God so many times I cannot count. The more recent events encompass what I've said about last week.

So there, you see now what a mess I really am? As much as I'd overestimated the force of humanity to empathize with others, it really is my fault for setting myself up for failure. Thus, I will stop attempting to appease others and focus on the goal at hand, which is all of the above (two paragraphs above) and make sure I achieve it. Everything else is of less importance. And since I now have every bit of control of how I want to live my life, I will surround myself with people who are set on the same goals, who I can effectively encourage and expect to have their encouragement. The rest I shall keep at an arm's length, so I do not allow peer pressure to blow me apart and that I do not impose the pressure of academic excellence on those who have other aspirations in life.

But really, the one thing that struck me last night was what my dad said. I don't always talk to my dad, and when I do, we always end up arguing. We're both outspoken people, and we are professionals at asserting what we believe in with the most amplified of vocals, and therefore, our difference in opinion always results in verbal clashes. However, last night, my dad spoke for something he believed in not to undermine my opinion, but to provide insight. My dad imparted to me last night that there is no such thing as perfection - no one can be perfect, at any degree of attempt. He even went on to say that if you set yourself up to be perfect, you will indefinitely fail and if you expect that of your fellow peers, you will be greatly disappointed. I'd never seen myself as a perfectionist, but what he said exposed that facade of my personality. I won't say I'm ashamed of it, but I was then aware of it. And it was true, what my dad said. I had to make allowances for the mistakes and shortcomings of others, because I certainly was and still am susceptible to them myself. I could not expect others to be perfect, or even have the sense to empathize with my thoughts and beliefs because I have the same problems doing so, myself.

If there's anything good that came out of the self-imposed crap I had to undertake last week, it's clarity. All that introspection has somewhat rendered me constantly tired, but at least I don't have to carry this weight on my shoulders anymore. While I'm bombarded with a flashback of the past every now and then, I'm making a conscious decision to dismiss that thought and recite scriptures. I sometimes think God is crazy for wanting to test me with such difficult obstacles, but with every step I overcome, I become stronger.

Come to think of it, it's kinda like the obstacles are the ribosomes, and my increasing strength is the polypeptides synthesized from mRNA, which is likened to my character, by the ribosomes. The obstacles produce the best of me.

I seriously should get back to studying for finals.

Clarity

It's been a pretty cray week. Crazy, I mean. Cray's just a more informal and hipster way of putting it, I suppose. Now, moving on to my speech.

First of all, I'd like to thank my parents for being so understanding and ever patient with me. Since that night (refer to THIS post), they've been a lot stricter on me, but not without reason. The media has been diligently dishing out their fair share of front-house robberies accounts, sexual assaults and rape cases, and it's only normal that my parents have their concerns. Anyhow, I still have my freedom to drive on my own when I need to commute anywhere, albeit with a curfew. I have to be home before 10PM if I go out at night, or else I would have to rely on my parents for transport or I'd simply have to refrain from going out at night for good. These arrangements clearly oppose my ideals, but hey, I'm not complaining – better be safe than sorry. I love my parents, and I wouldn't want anything to befall upon me, on their expense.

Next, I'd like to offer a toast to my ever faithful companion, coffee. You, my dear comrade have not failed me in times of exhaustion and mental fatigue. Having to draw the line between two different factions of work – scholar's work and university work while retaining a relatively decent social life certainly wasn't easy. But you, you're always there whenever I need you, apparent in varying forms every time we come into contact, but there nevertheless. Whether you're dressed in the most original of flavors or complemented by a dash of chocolate that makes you mocha, you've kept me on my toes all day. And for that, I am thankful.

Last but not least, I'd like to express my gratitude to the Heavenly Father. As I'm undertaking this process of spiritual healing and understanding of how He works, in spite of my imperfections and my own faults, I've gained a whole lot more clarity in life. I still have my emotional moments, but I can now distinguish what is fact and what is fiction as well as fathom the reason behind my affliction and affection. I've come to see that everything has worked for His purpose and no matter what the outcome will be, I will trust Him. I don't always have all the answers, and I'm beginning to accept this fact with a more open demeanor. I've learned not to rely on my own egotistical and independent nature to concoct theories of why things occur as they did (although they would be appreciated in Sociology, but that's besides the point), but  to have faith. It's a process I still struggle with, but I know better now. Patience is a virtue, and I do not want to repeat the same mistake of perpetrating a rash decision and undertaking the same vicious cycle all over again.

So there, my personal troubles in a nutshell. Well, perhaps not, but I think this suffices in expressing how this entire week has been. Work, to the power of ten.

On a lighter note, I finally got to scratch one thing off the bucket list – rap in public. It didn't go as well as I'd anticipated, but I've had some rather positive responses, which is still pretty wacko to me. Who knew one of my age old silent prayers would've come into execution at an event I wasn't even enthusiastic about in the first place? God works in the most mysterious of ways, heh. Also, I finally got to try Tong Pak Fu after several millenniums. Clearly, I am exaggerating, but I'm glad I got around to sample one of their desserts as recommended by my high school peers.

I should get ready to go out to church now, so I'll have to stop here. But before that, I will leave you with the enlightenment that there is something I have to do. Something absolutely crucial, that may or may not change the course of my life's esteems.

However, I shall cease before I enter into poetic mode. Until then.

On driving

I feel terrible. I'll be direct, I actually do.

I arrived home about half an hour ago, after spending an hour trying to lead two cars, containing my friends from campus who came all the way from Subang to 1 Utama for the sake of my convenience, so we could all chill at my place after watching Fast 6 this evening.

Unfortunately, it didn't happen. Their cars got lost on the way into TTDI and by the time I found them, it was already so late that everyone either had to be home due to parental concern or they just didn't feel up to it after the entire rigmarole. Nevertheless, tonight's endeavor has left me in an emotional state, because I feel absolutely horrible that I made them endure all that trouble for nothing. Also, the fact that I wasn't very clear when I relayed the directions to my house, as well as my constant cussing as I got tired of having to repeat myself over and over while simultaneously steering the vehicle as well as keep an eye out for other vehicles wasn't very pleasant either.

I still find it hard to believe that I broke each and every road rule I was taught all in one night. I ran a few red lights, communicated using the cellphone while on the road, made an illegal U-turn, inadequately switched lanes, failed to slow down at certain bumps and stopped in the middle of the road while there was another car waiting behind me. I won't be surprised if I receive a couple of summons soon. Sigh.

I guess all I can do now is pray and get some sleep. I can only hope that my prayer will suffice is subduing the mental process of trying to comprehend today's misfortunes, for this will lead to my having a peculiar nightmare and I can promise you that it is earnestly the last thing I need tonight.

Nick, if you read this, know that I'm terribly sorry for all the trouble I put you through as my first ever car pool passenger. I appreciate all that you've done and I thank you for being ever so patient with someone as unruly and incompetent as me. Also, I'm glad it was you who had the "privilege" of sitting next to me and answering all those calls on my behalf as well as for laughing it out in such times of distress.

To conclude, there are 4 things I've learned tonight :

1. Never make last minute plans to enter unfamiliar territory, be it unfamiliar ground for oneself or for others especially AT NIGHT.

2. Do not break all the road rules just because there aren't any vehicles at night. What if, just WHAT IF it was recorded? Sigh, I'm still anticipating my first summon :(

3. Driving alone makes me really sad, now that I've already had the pleasure of taking on passengers.

4. I am actually a better driver than I'd initially anticipated. Not because I broke all the rules, but because I could still drive under pressure.

That is all. Goodnight.

Fish nuggets and other things in between

Coffee and Eggs Benedict @ The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.

My mum's take on their breakfast, with a twist - mushroom soup and fish nuggets, instead of eggs and Hollandaise sauce. 

Oh and some peculiar salad dressing, presumably a hybrid of honey mustard and balsamic vinaigrette. I have to say though, it's an acquired taste. But I strongly rule against mixing any form of salad dressing with one another.

And moving on to last night..

Meet Mr. Tao. Tao Fu Fah. And Chia, Isaac Chia.

I was pretty bored while waiting for our burgers to be done at myBurgerlab. So yeah, my inner camwhore took over. Oh, his real name's Chris by the way.

Only we, the Nonsensical De-stress panel have every right to call him Fu Fah. For obvious reasons.

Awesome Fries (literally)..

..and Beautiful Mess 5.0.

I'm aware this doesn't exactly scream appetizing, considering it's uh, reckless appearance but I swear this is the shiznit and it was worth every ringgit I paid. I probably should have brought my DSLR instead of my tablet so this mother of burgers could be properly justified both aesthetically and tastefully.

But dinner was amazing. Nuff' said.

On a slightly more relevant note, I finally got around to run some errands today; one of which was to wash the car. Since I got my P license yesterday, I've been waiting for that grand opportunity to take this handsome out for a ride. However, when I went out to the porch this morning, hoping to execute the mentally planned rendezvous, the sight of my droplet scarred car made me think twice about doing so. So instead, I got out my pail and other paraphernalia and went ahead give my baby Bob a nice, cold morning shower.

Yes, his name is Bob. And yes, I do not give two hoots about the insults you are about to hurl at me for naming such a beauty with an incompetent and unappealing masculine name.

And no, I am not available for carpooling services, as of now.

Other than that, I was able to go out to the mall today. While the hunt for the third installment of the Across The Universe trilogy was rather unsuccessful, I managed to exchange a bag of old clothing for a H&M shopping voucher, catch up with Amanda over lunch at Fish & Co. as well as tea at Serai (Berry Pavlova for the win!), and watch Identity Thief. Also, the internet connection was salvaged today after my mum paid the bill and I officially have a video assignment on hand - the outcome of the Girls' Conference committee meeting earlier tonight, due tomorrow. It still hasn't quite hit me yet that it's due TOMORROW, but I'm sure I'll get it done in no time. I HOPE.

Anyhow, I'd better get some sleep. I still have that video assignment to work on after all tomorrow, and the fact that I have to hit campus tomorrow for a short briefing on my scholar's work which commences next Monday further reinstates just how important sleep is at this juncture of my life. Well, at least my reward is certain - one of those decent frappucinos from Starbucks, at half price with my primary school mates. Shweet!

Goodnight, fellas.