Conversations with God

So I was talking to God earlier, asking Him for the discipline and determination to NOT get attached to anyone whose number one goal in life is NOT to pursue Jesus when I realized what a juxtaposition there was between how strict I am with my choice of life partner, and how I dealt with fear.

If I'm not going to allow anyone who isn't FOR You to jeopardize my relationship with You, why would I even think of letting something like fear, that is not even OF You, to come in the way of us?

Revelation much?

WOW.

For twenty year olds who have never been loved

"All of a sudden two decades have passed and you still have not kissed anyone with tongue, or kissed anyone at all for that matter, or had a 3 AM conversation with someone who would rather look into your eyes for ten minutes straight than talk. You have never worn a lover’s sweater or “forgotten" it at home in your bedroom just so you would have an excuse to see them again. You have never even stood face-to-face with someone who makes your hands shake so hard it feels like they’re both having a separate anxiety attack. 

This causes you much guilt and self-blame and sadness but above all, an overwhelming curiosity. Are you really that ugly, that unwanted, that uninteresting, that boring, that no one, absolutely no one, has ever looked at you like the only thing on earth? 

The answer is no. The better answer is that someone out there, somewhere in the world, is “wondering what it’s like to meet someone like you," and they have two decades worth of love stored in their veins like a shoot-‘em-up drug, and they’re just about ready to inject it into someone else’s bloodstream. All you have to do is roll up your sleeves and wait for it to happen. 

At times you felt so lonely you could stand at the edge of a cliff with nothing beneath you but air and grass and a long, long way down, and you’d still feel emptier than that canyon itself. Maybe you even danced with yourself alone in your room a few times, arms outstretched around a ghost, pretending someone else’s hands were on your waist, someone else’s eyes boring into yours. 

Or maybe you fell temporarily in love with strangers on public transportation, fell in love with anybody who so much as accidentally brushed your hand on the way past. For you, falling in love with dozens of people a day was a coping mechanism for not having anyone to love you in return. But people are not eggs and falling in love with a dozen of them does not mean your shell will remain uncracked. One day you’re going to hit the point where you’re so desperate for human contact that you’re going to snap in half and all your love will bleed out like egg yolk.  

But someone out there is eating a bowl of Ramen noodles right now, or putting on slippers, or settling into bed. They are doing all the normal things that you’ve done in your own life. They are just like you. They have cellulite and extra fat in all the wrong places and goals and fears and doubts and bad handwriting. 

The truth is that they are just like you, and being just like you, they’re looking for a lover too. 

They’re what you might call a soul mate. 

They think they’re all alone in feeling the way they do, but you’re really both two halves of a whole. 

And one day you’ll meet them, bump into them on the street, and your two halves will be put together, and you’ll make one.” 

— Writings for Winter

I came across this while scrolling through Tumblr and thought I had to share this beautiful piece.

Because someday.

Throwback

Here's to these two charismatic people who happen to have the same first syllable in their names - Carine and Carlos, who've helped shape my childhood in the most significant manner possible and who still remain my most devoted friends in spite of the fact that primary school was what, 6 years ago?

I find it supremely funny about how we went from this..

.. to THIS.

I had the most splendid time with these two at Starbucks two Fridays ago. Frappucinos were 50% off from 5 to 7pm on Tuesdays and Fridays this month, so out of conviction that this had to be divine intervention, the three of us seized the opportunity for a brief bonding session. It was initially a company of four, but unfortunately, Meera couldn't make it. I guess I'll have to wait until another opportunity like this surfaces before the four of us can gather once more, in the name of discounted beverages.

And because memes are the thing of this century, here's another one for the road.

A close-up. You betcha!

And I'm out.

P.S.: You're welcome to leave a comment at the new Cbox I've added to the blog. A simple hello will do, but if you're keen on criticizing my literary prowess and exuding your superiority complex upon a feeble being like yours truly, feel free to do so ;)

Everybody leaves in the end

I guess listening to The Temper Trap while attempting Calculus wasn't a very good idea to begin with, especially since my final quiz is in about an hour.

All my life, I've never really understood what it meant to say goodbye. Does goodbye mean bidding someone farewell for eternity, proclaiming that they're officially out of reach? Or does goodbye suggest the prospect of a temporary hiatus, whereby one is only as distant as the period of their absence? Or is goodbye just something you are obligated to say whenever there is a need to escape, to be ensconced in an alternate reality whose beauty far supersedes that of reality?

While I would be grateful if any of my rhetorical questions actually do possess answers, all these questions do not change the fact that departure is inevitable. People will come, and soon they will go. If there is anything socially substantial that ADP has taught me in the past 5 months, it is that resistance against the system is futile, for those who are destined to depart from your life will eventually do so and those who are called to remain will stay. As of now, it seems that the total number of individuals departing from my life exceeds those who remain and those who have just become my acquaintances show no sign of increase into the level of friend. I guess I am still tied to my inhibitions, and have not completely come out of my shell just yet. Sigh.

But life goes on. I have to keep trusting God and believe that He knows what He's doing, and therefore, I must continue to pursue life as it comes. There really is no other way around it.

So here's to the end of this semester, and the beginning of a new endeavor in life.

Nuggets : Debunked

In this post, I will proceed to describe what  I have learned today in a few points (in my extreme state of tiredness).

1. Not all guys are blatantly inconsiderate and lack tactfulness.

Today, I witnessed one of my closer college friends as well as my PASS class leader express their concern for me when I was on the verge of breaking down, about an hour before the History debate. I don't think they'll ever see this but all I gotta say is, thanks guys. I appreciate it, big time.

2. Getting a good grade this semester isn't completely hopeless after all.

If anything, I'm doing far much better than I'd anticipated myself. Honestly, highest in class for mass comm?! Praise the Lord!

3. My History lecturer/academic adviser is a lazy bum, occasionally.

I made an appointment via e-mail in the most formal manner possible, carefully stating the date and time, as well as the agenda for the appointment but all I received for a reply was, "Yep that's fine." Shweet.

4. Bible/Scriptural study in CF is the most intense and thought provoking endeavor on the face of this earth.

Pretty self-explanatory.

5. I am not the only devoted partaker of world history.

Today, I found another soul who's as passionate as I am for humanities, in an ocean of mathematical and scientific hobbyists. An acquaintance I made today professed his love for history so yay, I'm no longer that solitary, weird kiddo who loves reading up on fossils and dead figures. Heh.

I'll add more to the list once I manage to think of more.

But for now, SLEEP.

FAQ

Who
it was you
an ordinary soul
a foreign Mind
a common sight
unexpected yet commended

How
hours on end
soaring above skies
across oceans
caving In on solid ground
distant yet familiar

Why
a Change of paradigm
thwarted plans
out of love
out of pain
rejected, then accepted

When
The end of the booK
beginning the next chapter
a brand new life
to start afresh
anew yet old

What
thrust into Emotions
played the perfect game
won a heart
but still the same
catharsis, then anguish

Where
the locus of Your voice
what was here before
is now gone
nothing survived
Instinct, then enlightenment

Yet
i am to blame
not what was done
not what was said
but what was felt
i took it all too well

i must move on
i must take comfort
knowing of your happiness
i must think less
i must live more
holding onto faith above

Then perhaps, I shall fathom love.

Nuggets : Dance Floor Anthem

I know my post title does not correlate with the subject matter but heck, it's been 6 years since I last listened to Good Charlotte and I'm too bewildered right now to actually mind what anyone says about me and my life anyway. And yes, I do realize whatever I just said is totally defeatist of its intended purpose for obvious reasons; nevertheless, I digress.

Anyways, here is a list of some pretty kick ass things that occurred today :

1. I received a perfect ten (yet again) for my essay. Except that it was really a poem and not an essay, and it was a reflective one. My lecturer kinda just said heck, write whatever you want as long as it's about crime so I went ahead and allowed my inner penitentiary warden/philosophe take over. Anyway, she complimented me on my poem and asked me if I ever considered taking up creative writing which of course I resounded with a duh before carefully pointing out that creative writing classes would clash with my Chemistry lab sessions next semester while upholding a composed demeanor, given that I was squealing with joy innately.

If only ENG101 actually was actually transferable and accounted for something. But alas, the odds are not in my favour. Which brings me to my next point.

2. The teaser for Catching Fire is finally out! While there is still no sign of Finnick Odair or Johanna Mason, there are waaaaaaaaay too many scenes of Katniss, Peeta and the chaos that unfolds in Panem instead of the scenes of the arena. I'm only hoping that this sequel will prove to be worthy in terms of cinematography because the last one was extremely unstable and shaky that I felt nauseous throughout the entire film.

There's this thing - it's called four points of stabilization. Newbies, ugh.

Also, the fact that the entire movie relied on one's initiative in reading the actual book to fathom what the characters were thinking in crucial scenes pretty much spoiled it for non-Hunger Games addicts while the fighting scenes were a total nuisance for those who knew what was coming. You couldn't even see what was going on when the contestants were involved in a brawl with the mutts. Heh. Anyhow, despite my prior disappointment with the first Hunger Games movie, I'm genuinely looking forward to this one and I just hope it will tie in appropriately, if not accurately with the actual plot.

3. I bumped into Men Yee in the bus today. It was pretty awkward though, since all I really wanted to do was just zonk out on the seat until I arrived home although I had a friend whom I have not spoken to in months next to me. But yeah, it was nice bumping into her again, although I do have to say I miss the outgoing, hilarious Men Yee from high school who was unlike the lethargic, awkward girl who sat next to me in the bus.

4. I got to be the REAL me today - no insecurities, no pretenses. And for that, I am happy :)

That is all. Ciao!

The theory of happiness

Hypothesis : The lesser you expect from life, the happier you will be.

Sometimes the only way to attain understanding about a specific aspect of life is to deduce it scientifically. After all, you don't acquire much from dealing with matters emotionally.

Anyhow, this week has been a pretty bipolar one altogether. I don't mean to romanticize every single aspect of my mental health or my social life, but honestly, it's been a hard hitting week. I won't bother with the details, but all you really have to know is that I've been enraptured in an emotional fluctuation all week ranging from suicidal propensities to sudden peaks of immense joy. It has been a long and hard battle against confusion and anguish, but I'm glad that I've managed to overcome with strength from God and endless prayer from my loved ones. While I found myself more emotionally stable today, I'm not going to slip into an affluence of comfort just yet. There is plenty to be done in mending my mind and soul, and there is absolutely no way that I should remain lackadaisical in this crucial period of time.

On a lighter note, the past two days have been rather productive. I've finally received my History mid-term score and I have to say, the outcome is worth rejoicing over. While a 13/15 may not sound like much to the avid partaker of history, it is a number sufficient in providing me a sense of satisfaction. It was the highest score my History lecturer dispensed anyway, given that our section did relatively well in comparison to the previous section. I was a little crestfallen though when I discovered my best friend received a similar score, but all in all I'm pretty satisfied with what I've achieved. After all, I'd only drafted my essay a week prior to the test while he had been working on his in a matter of weeks. Moreover, I've been paying more attention to my Math this week and I'm beginning to witness change in my mathematical ability. Honestly, I won't be able to tell just yet, but I'm confident my quiz scores will reinforce the notion of my improvement.

Other than academic matters, I've been pretty psyched about having friends from church on campus. I'm still taken aback by the fact that I finally bumped into Aaron four months after I've been enrolled in university. I've always known he was a culinary arts student on campus but I never did see him as he was still on his semester break. However, I finally got to say hello yesterday at the food court while I was having lunch with Sam (who's also a friend from church) and a few other business students. Furthermore, I didn't have to sit alone at the library again today since Sam was there to accompany me as well (that's one point for being less socially awkward on campus!). On a different note, there are more familiar faces as well from high school on campus, so that's an added bonus as well to my week :)

All in all, it has been rather refreshing to see some familiar faces in a new environment. As for my fellow ADP course mates, I think it's pretty safe to say that I've come out of my shell of indifference and am adjourning into a more people-centric paradigm as time goes by. Today's excursion to SS15 for food with the MATH171 trio was pretty interesting under the circumstances and I even bumped into my high school classmates from INTI and Sunway respectively. Also, the History debate will soon prove itself a worthy discourse and my recent admission into the photography club may serve as a game changer. Nevertheless, things are certainly looking up now, albeit progressively as I live by faith.

Conclusion :
Expectations aren't necessarily inversely proportional to happiness. This theory only functions if  we expect less of something and attain more of it eventually. However, if that does not occur, happiness will remain at a decline and life will become stagnate. If we do not strive to fulfill higher expectations, how do we improve our quality of life? Furthermore, is happiness merely defined by the fulfillment of one specific criteria, be it material or emotional? Happiness is defined by satisfaction, by being grateful for what one has and not by the attainment of what one does not have and continuously harps about having.

In succinct terms, we define what happiness is. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but no one should have the right to impose it upon others.

So perhaps that wasn't a credible scientific conclusion. However, as I mentioned, NO ONE should be allowed to impose their opinions of the notion of happiness upon others, for it may nullify the pursuit of one's happiness by parting them from their convictions. Everyone should be allowed to think for themselves what is truly fulfilling in life and if it is found to be incorrect, they should also be allowed to return to their initial position and begin the same process in its entirety.

But the question is, is the hypothesis accepted?

You decide.

Streaks of confusion

Misc

Just a series of photos that tell the story of the past two weeks, I guess.

Sorry if the food is mouth-watering, especially the last four photos featuring my Teppanyaki set. I had this for lunch at Kita No Zen last weekend and it was really good. This set lunch costs RM30 and it was really, really filling. And you can take my word for it since I am one of those who dig huge lunches and for me, this was really good.

I should really get some sleep now. It's almost 1AM. Heh.