Vindicated

Honestly, I feel the exact opposite right now. I don't feel like justifying myself. I feel so condemned that every five seconds I remember the stupid things I've said today, I can't help but feel flustered and frustrated with myself. I just want to pull my hair out and curse myself for making myself look like an utter jerk. Yes, an utter female jerk.

I feel like dropping everything I'm doing. I feel like giving up. I feel like giving in. But yet something tells me I shouldn't.

I get jealous. I get upset. I'm so rigid that when anything goes wrong, all of a sudden I'm reduced to this weakling in tears. I just can't get a grip on myself.

But that's why God's here. That's the whole point of my relationship with God. That's the whole point of healing, of faith and of relying on him.

I've said stupid things. I've done inconceivable things. But God sent Jesus to die on the cross and redeem all of my sins. And he did.

So why am I feeling so condemned? I'm so flustered and confused as to whether these emotions are a result of my sin or it is really Satan trying to attack me.

Whatever it is, I'm going to keep going to God.

Just a few moments ago, I was crying while playing the piano. What began as practice for tomorrow's worship during service ended in tears. I've been so angry with myself for not being able to execute my pieces well and so hurt by the things people have been said and done that I just couldn't help but break down under pressure.

Hence, I cried out to God. I cried to Him for help, for deliverance. And then it struck me on how important it was to continue going for healing. Healing doesn't happen overnight. It is a continuous process, like a vaccine as it needs a booster. I realised I couldn't just let it be after going for one healing session. If I want to change my life thoroughly, I'll have to do more than that.

So I've decided to go for another healing session.

It's like going for a facial. It's a painful and very awkward process, but once you've gotten rid of the blackheads and impurities off your complexion, your face becomes clean again. Extraction is certainly painful and the aftermath of the facial may not be the most comfortable experiences in your life, but it's worth it. Because your face is clean and the impurities are gone. However, it's only temporary and I need to continue cleansing and rejuvenating myself and my faith in order for whole healing to take place.

Things will change. There are barriers keeping me from God but I can't let them say. I want to stay connected to the Father in Heaven and the only way it's gonna work is through deliverance and forgiveness.

Therefore, I will go.