While I was writing about my mum in my gender psych journal regarding the gender differences in religion, I provided some examples about how my mum exercises her spirituality (technical terms lah - I would've prefered to call it faith heh). One of the things she's always tried, and often failed with, is having family prayer, by getting all of us to come together and just spend time with the Lord as family. I thought about how that really used to annoy not just me, but my dad and my sister, because it was so awkward.
"And besides," I thought. "Even the pastor's son doesn't do family devotion or prayer, why are we so special then? Awkward lah."
Back home, the more it seemed my mum kept urging us to pray together, the worse we would feel about the whole thing. Sometimes it even felt like a threat, like if I didn't give in to her demands, I'd lose my salvation, because honor them 'rents, duh. Yet, it never did work out, because it was pretty inconsistent and well, there seemed to be no firm basis upon why this whole "pray as a family" thing would work out, apart from the fact that "Because pastor said so" or "Because these preachers that came to church and talked about the same thing in different ways said so."
But today I realized something.
My mother had the discipline to pray, and she tried to instill that in us - in me. Yet, not only did I politely retaliate, I eventually managed to convince myself that prayer could happen anytime and making it a routine would put God in a box. I would pray when I felt like it, or when I had time, but even when I did have time, I somehow managed to put it off until life throws a bunch of lemons - spoiled ones, even.
But the problem wasn't my mum's insistence on family prayer, or the pastor's son's sentiments about praying. It wasn't about what the pastor or other preachers said.
And it wasn't about routine being the thing that ruins prayer.
The problem was simply just the fact that I didn't pray, and I needed to. And when I look back at the past few months, I've realized that I haven't actually been praying.
I know of instances where I've prayed here, but the urgency of prayer has diminished. Prayer has downgraded from being a necessity, into just a possibility. I found reasons to excuse myself from prayer, and I felt okay about it. I rationalized that my roommate was around, or that I had spent too much time working on that assignment that I'm too tired and will pray tomorrow that I just end up not praying.
And I still have the non-existent balls to actually be OKAY with that. Regardless of whatever struggles I have with church doctrines and theological differences, I knew upon the pressing of the Holy Spirit, that something is wrong, because this fundamental way of connecting with God that all churches are largely in agreement of is something I just no longer seek.
What happened to my desire for communion with God? What happened to commitment, and my fire to God? Have I allowed myself to be complacent just because I study in a Christian university, have to read the New Testament academically and talk to people about God anyway? Have I allowed the hurts that I've had back home and the disagreements of days past prevent me from seeking God's counsel in earnestness?
So I've found that without my mum's constant urge to pray, I have slowly opted out of it. Without a sense of discipline, I have landed myself in compromise. When I dismissed my mum's call to pray, I inevitably dismissed a whole four months of evoking that discipline to pray.
Yet, God is faithful to remind me.
I shall end this with a prayer to you, whoever you are, or whoever I think you are.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank you for the readers of my blog - the few and rare people I've allowed to read the penning of my thoughts. I thank you Lord that you've revealed to me just what a blessing it is to know them and have them as people I know I can trust, and I know they are a blessing to others. Help me to be faithful to them and keep on praying for them, even as I'm here in Texas. I ask that you be with them and guide them just as you led your people in the Old and New Covenant, in today's post-modernist, health goth-loving, estranged-from-you society.
I pray that you reveal yourself through their works and their life, and in every circumstance provide them with sufficient grace, mercy and godly strength to overcome. I ask that they never stop seeking to know you as God and learn about Christ and the Holy Spirit, regardless of what their current exposure or knowledge about you is. I ask that you remind them daily to focus their eyes on you, just as you have with me, and be with them every step of the way. Be with their families, grant them health and keep them safe, all for your glory Lord.
I thank you once again for them, and ask all of this in Jesus' loving and sovereign name:
Amen.
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