Happeh barfday too mi

So there's less than two hours left to my birthday, and I figured I'd say what's on my mind right now before I forget.

Living nineteen years on this earth hasn't been an easy feat.

Throughout most of my life, I've harbored a sense of rejection within me. I feared that many of my dreams and desires would become unaccomplished because I had no one to believe in me or even love me because of my insecurities. This succeeding anxiety gave me a sense of hopelessness every year. I'd cry - sometimes it was days before, or even weeks before my birthday came, because I was afraid that no one would remember, or that things wouldn't turn out the way I wanted them to. My parents were always there to make it memorable for me, but somehow each year I'd feel worthless, wondering if I should hold onto life since I believed there was no reason to live if no one would remember, because that showed the extent of their love and my presence in their life.

But this year is different.

Over the years, I've drawn closer to God, and this year I know my identity is ingrained in Him. I was anxious a couple of days ago, wondering if anyone would remember. I'd made more friends in the last two years than I ever had in high school, and I was, and still am hoping that at least someone would remember. And some of them do. Hee Hee remembers. Ming remembers. Even the Egg remembers (I suspected someone told her but let's give her the benefit of the doubt shall we)! My family damn well remembered, because I totally didn't think of going out for dinner but they did.

More importantly though, God remembers. He is the one who wonderfully and fearfully created me after all.

Despite my fickle nature and inconsistency in my faith, You have always and will forever, remain the same. You knew me in my mother's womb, and You had Your plans for my life. You revealed Yourself to me at the age of sixteen, and ever since I've vowed to follow Jesus for the rest of my life. I was weak, and still am, struggling the grasp the extent of Your love and the cost of picking up the Cross, but You were patient through it all. You were and still are, the Prince of Peace, for it was because of You that when I was weak, I was and still am strong.

I'm a different person now than I was four years ago, and I know that it is all because of Your grace and new mercies each morning. Maybe I would have cried out of fear thinking that no one would remember; or out of anger as I compare myself with my peers who probably have had those grandiose birthday bashes I may probably never be able to afford - if this was two years ago. I've resolved not to cry tonight because I've decided not to let anything rob me of the joy He has bestowed upon me, but if I do -

It's because I truly know my Father loves me, and NOTHING will EVER separate me from His love.

Blessed Mid-Autumn, my non-existent readers. And happy birthday to you, future self :)

The Seven Thousand

Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.”

This particular story of Elijah in Chapter 19 of 1 Kings was astonishing, in my opinion. Having read the previous chapter, which underlined the contest at Mount Carmel, where God was faithful to Elijah and put the prophets of Baal to shame when he brought down fire and rain and showed Himself to be real, it amazed me that Elijah could still feel afraid upon hearing Jezebel's threats over his life that he even ran away.

During his period of hiding, God found him and questioned him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?", like TWICE. And both times, he rehearsed the same response; telling God that the Israelites had rejected Him and His commandments. He also mentioned that he was the only prophet left to defend God, and yet he was going to be killed.

Eventually, the Lord anointed Elisha to succeed Elijah as His mouthpiece - His prophet, for Elijah's had put an end to his time, on the account of his fear. God then tells him that there is no way for the people to escape death, stating that those who escape it by one sword would die by another.

However, it was what the Lord said next that really struck me. Though he said that ALL would perish, God chose to preserve the lives of seven thousand in Israel, who have not succumbed to the worship of Baal.

It made me think about my faith, with regards to how I felt about having to stand up for the Lord at ALL times, even if the rest of the world (including my Christian siblings) question the necessity for the seemingly puritanical standards I have set up for myself. It once seemed to me that I was the only one fighting this battle, trying to stand up for Jesus in the midst of all the pandemonium and the madness that has engulfed the earth of His creation. And I became afraid, just as Elijah was, when it all looked as if the world was caving in on me.

That's precisely what Satan wants us to believe - that we are all isolated individuals in this evil world, and that it is a losing battle we are fighting.

Nevertheless, the Lord spoke to me through this passage. While sometimes we may allow that lie to get through to our skulls, the truth still prevails. God does NOT vanish, the moment we become fearful; it is we who allow Him to be diminished in the sight of our fears and discouragement. The question, "What are you doing here?" begs to be answered.

What are we doing here, living in fear, when the Lord has already won the victory and overcome the world?

How is it that our faith wavers so easily that we eventually choose to run away, even after God has been faithful to us so many times, just as He was to Elijah?

There will be times where we feel as if we are the only one left to defend Christ, but more often than not, someone somewhere across the world has already surrendered their lives to God, and are part of the 'seven thousand' who have not given in to the worship of the world. If each of us choose to believe that we are fighting a war that cannot be won simply because those around us have chosen to succumb to this world, I think that God's army can only fall apart. But if we as His people, choose to focus our eyes on our Lord and Savior, regardless of the circumstances, our unity in Him will help us win the battle.

So let us be part of the seven thousand, for our lives will be spared by the Lord and our names written in the book of life :)