Peculiar

Because that perfectly describes how my week has been.

Honestly, I was a little hesitant about blogging today, but I figured if I must remain eloquent throughout the coming weeks in this seemingly intellectually-challenged institute of education, writing is no longer a luxury - it has become a necessity. I know it's a little too soon to jump to any conclusions, but for now, it seems as if ADP has come off to me as "relaxed" and "easy". We'll just have to see how that changes by next week.

So my first week in ADP has come to an end. I know I've given a brief verdict on the difference between university and school in the previous post so I won't repeat myself once more, at least not thoroughly anyway. But I will write whatever comes to mind at this very moment.

While a few more days have passed since the first day of university, I dare say that there is still a lot of room for improvement in the social aspects of my uni life. I find myself in so many socially awkward situations - too many to recount that I am starting to wonder if I ever had the ability to communicate in the first place. It seems so difficult altogether to be able to conjure a proper conversation without the aid of the opposite party due to the inner conflicts I have within myself. I could use a little prayer, but the extent of my exhaustion on certain days renders me mentally paralyzed sometimes that I can only manage a short paragraph on the Daily Bread online before I completely doze off.

Since the next three days are days spent at home due to my mother's absence in the household, I will have ample quality time in mending my prayer life and devotion which I will therefore cherish aptly. I do try my best to pray, however, and I have to say in spite of my brief conveyances to God, He has proven to be ever so faithful by answering my prayers in His time. I am grateful that I have made a few more friends other than the ones I have come to know in my orientation, and I would have to say that it marks a milestone in my uni endeavors, at the risk of sounding pathetic.

But my past does not dictate my future. I may be a little slow in the communications department, but I will get there eventually, because I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.

On a different note, I'm starting to feel even more school sick, if that's a succinct and accurate term of describing this pang of loss I've encountered all week since I started university. In the long breaks between classes, I find myself thinking about what my high school friends might be doing at that very moment during a specific point of time. I try to Whatsapp my tuxedo, Chien Yi as often as I can to find out how everyone's doing and what the rest of my high school group are currently up to, but it doesn't replace the eminent feeling of misery that surfaces in my loneliness. Sigh, I know I sound very melodramatic right now, but I honestly can't help it. I can only hope it will fade in time.

And then there's the matter of The Boy.

I don't like disclosing extremely personal matters about my life on public social media platforms, but honestly it has come to a point where I think I have to address this matter for it to stop. So my dear readers, I am counting on you for advice. And when I say advice, I mean genuine, useful and competent advice. I want the pros and cons, I want the statistics of the risks I may or may not take and ultimately, I want the words that will guide my verdict. After years of dealing with emotional issues, I must admit that I am very much incapable in dealing with this on my own and I need help. I acknowledge that and I sincerely hope that I will receive some feedback regarding this entire ordeal, both negative and positive. I guess I'll attempt to make this as brief as I can not just for the sake of conveying my dilemma in a clear context but to save my readers from utter boredom.

I assume from by disclosing the words "The Boy", you are automatically led to assume that this matter I am to speak about has something to do with the topic of boy-girl relationships and that this "Boy" is my love interest, albeit the nonreciprocating party in this game of cat-and-mouse where I am the cat and uh, he is the mouse? (wait that's not right ugh never mind). Well, I'd hate to disappoint you readers, but my life isn't as dramatic as you may expect it to be. But yes, it does have something to do with a boy and yes, I am interested in him although he has no idea of this infatuation I possess.

Now, the next thing you must be assuming about the matter of this infatuation must be that it is another case of unrequited love. Well, IT IS NOT. Please enlighten me if I am wrong, but the fact that this guy has no idea that I secretly admire him nullifies the argument that I am delving in cowardice of extreme proportions by not confronting him and confessing my feelings to this guy. In fact, I would like to think I am doing otherwise, that I am actually doing myself and him a favor by concealing these inner inclinations I have before anything happens because I know too well that it will only prove detrimental in the event of any conflict if one thing leads to another. I know it all too well.

There are a myriad of reasons why I am adamant in not professing my true feelings for this guy. I shall provide a list below to ease your already aching eyes. (I'm sorry I know this is far from brief but do bear with me)

1. Other than the fact that he is pretty smart, is the right height (I'm taller than the average Malaysian girl so yes, THE BOY is tallllllllll), is a gentleman and has the propensity to seem cute when he does something silly, I don't really know him at all. Unless you put Facebook and the written word into the equation, I don't know what he likes and I've never had long conversations with him in real life before. In short, I simply don't know him AT ALL.

2. He's not in my university. He's in a college in the vicinity of my area, but he's not in my university. Period.
But yeah, I know it's not really a valid point since I'll be able to drive soon anyway..

3. He's not Christian. I know most people might be a little apprehensive when I state this but I have to be honest. When I get into a relationship, I want one that will last for life. I want to consider everything carefully before putting my foot into it so I know I'm making a wise decision. I want to harness a good friendship with the said person before I enter into something more than just friendship. While I should be open and be able to accept differences, I cannot see myself being with someone who has a difference in principles, values and faith (meaning religion you feeble minded people who cannot read figurative language ugh lol joking). 

I may come to terms with everything else, but these 3 characteristics are the ones I cannot falter from.

4. Now the fourth one has to do with myself. I already have fixed long term goals I want and need to achieve.

I am very certain that I am going to pursue psychology and minor in mass communications in an American or Australian university and I have a vague but substantial idea of what I want my future to look like. All I need now is to focus on achieving my goals and that only means, NO HAVING ROMANTIC INCLINATIONS WHATSOEVER WITH ANY GUY AT ALL. I even plan to stay single even after I've completed my tertiary education and graduate studies because I'm pretty sure I cannot find anyone who has the same faith AND mental capacity as myself. And trust me, I'm not saying this out of pride, but because that's how it appears to be.

Which brings me to the source of my frustration - why do I find it hard to let go if I'm so adamant with my principles?

Frankly, I don't know. Perhaps it is because I don't think I will ever find someone with such intellectual potential and with such similar interests. And for goodness' sake, he has all the characteristics I'm looking for in a guy (except the 2 of the important 3 values I strongly emphasize on)! He doesn't look to shabby either so for once I don't have to be petite just to fit a guy's size or short to match one's height and he's very eloquent AND fluent - a combination you don't often see every day. I have a feeling I can just be myself, both physically and mentally if I pursue this. Also, for someone with brains, I think it's given that the friendship thing will definitely come first before the relationship thing will even commence.

But yes, I know. These are just feelings. These are all mere assumptions I'm using to make myself believe that there is some valid argument between my head and my heart.

So there, readers, please aid me in my dilemma. I know the decision is ultimately mine, but do assist me as I am a totally hopeless person in such matters. And please, give professional and logical opinions via  thoroughly analyzed notions and not just stupid responses backed up by nothing but feelings and some sheer stupidity. Moreover, I don't find favor in trial-and-error situations, so do keep that in mind, thank you very much.

HELP, I NEED HELP.

UPDATE (30/01) : I guess I could have deleted the whole part of this post since some of the information I've given has proven to be incorrect, but I value the time and effort I've put into writing this post, so it'll stay albeit strikingly. As for the matter, in it's currently accurate context does not require any dealing with because I've somewhat managed to sort it out. So in case, there was someone (I highly doubt so) who was going to dish some really good advice, I'm sorry to say that I won't be needing it at this current point of time. But thank you :)