I was in a confused state then, having just ended a relationship I knew God had determined was not holy. I craved the world, trying to hold onto it inch-by-inch, even though I knew in my heart that the only way to eternal life was for my carnal self to die, and for the Holy Spirit in me, to live. I'm not gonna let my guard down on anything, but I think I am spiritually secure enough to say that things have changed since.
Solitude bears a different meaning for me now.
When I think of being alone in my room, I don't see isolation. Instead, I see connection - a connection to the Heavenly Father. When I am alone, not just in my room, but wherever it is I may be, I am focused on Him. I can hear Him speak to me, I can hear Him counsel me and He comforts me.
When I am alone, I am with my Father, who teaches me right from wrong, who rebukes me for my sin, who reminds me of the greatest price He paid so I could be saved, so I could be loved, infinitely and unconditionally.
When I am in solitude, I can see the words from His word, surface above the page to embolden me. I can freely share my thoughts with Him, both good or evil, and listen as the Word is being recited in my heart, either to edify or to rebuke me.
The Holy Spirit is the loudest in moments of silence, in moments of solitude.
I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I thought I must've been strange to sometimes want to whisk myself away from this world and be alone for a bit. And often being alone led me to usher in negative thoughts, and I dwelled in those for hours.
But I've realized now, that the solitude wasn't purposed for me to wallow in the whims and fancies of Satan.
It's for me to call God, and talk to Him, about anything. God gave me the desire to spend moments alone so I could spend them with Him. I tell Him about work and the silly things my colleagues say or do. I tell Him about how tired I am on a nine-to-five and my desire to quit. I tell Him about church, about how I love serving Him. And I also tell Him about how tired I feel in doing so many things in church, and having to be let down by people at church countless times and yet not be able to take offense. I show how stubborn I am about wanting to see change in myself, because I think it is too difficult. I tell Him about that guy I really like even though it's really embarrassing. I tell Him about how scared I am to be alone for the rest of my life, or to be forced to settle for something less than the best I see for myself.
And God replies me too.
He tells me to be salt and light on this earth, especially to people at work who don't know Him or who do but have not lived out the lives He has called us to live. He tells me not to compromise spending time with Him because I am nothing with Him and He calls me to rest in Him, in His love. He tells me that He has a great calling for people in church, and that all of us in His kingdom have fallen short of glory because we are still very much people. He tells me that His plan is bigger than the one He had for this world, and that I should trust Him and not people. He also tells me that people are like one another - they hurt and sometimes they say or do stupid things, but His love helps them repent and move on from those things. He goes on to tell me not to stop - to finish the race and fight the good fight and press on towards the goal. He tells me to stop listening to that evil dude who keeps trying to ruin His plans. He could have rolled His eyes when I bring up the topic of life partners again, but again, He reminds me that His ways are higher than mine and His thoughts are greater than mine and I should just calm down and trust Him. He also tells me that I am to work on my relationships with people at church, at work and especially with my family.
It's really not so bad being alone at times. We need this solitude in life at times, so we can talk to God and hear what He has to say. We need it because we need Him to refresh us, and often we are only refreshed when we are not distracted and alone with Him.
We need to be alone, just so we can spend time with God.
“But the LORD is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.”
-Habakkuk 2:20
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