Abide '14

To begin with, I didn't have any specific expectations for Uth Camp. I only knew inside that God was going to do a great work and I was just pretty open about whatever was to happen.

I gotta say, God truly works in the most mysterious of ways.

Since the beginning of the year, I've had so many questions about the church, campus ministry, evangelism and my faith. Being a part of CF and church simultaneously has been a joy to me; but it also created a burden in my heart. Having been exposed to reformed theology and the depth of the Word through bible study, I found it difficult to reconcile the differences in the perception of God and the gospel between CF and church.

I learned so much about the Word through CF that I soon discovered my church didn't quite have that much grounding in that area. I also had convictions and conflicts within myself regarding the emphasis on tangible, spiritual experiences in church and glossolalia. While I believed they were real, I had doubts about whether their sole implementation would cause the seed God planted in the youths grow on fertile soil. I have had those struggles when I was younger about speaking in tongues and not knowing what my faith was based on, and I felt things could have been done differently in church in order that the youths build their faith on solid ground.

While not all my questions were answered, most of them were. As Psalms 139:23 put it, God had searched me and knew my heart. He had tested me and knew my anxious thoughts. God answered my questions through the workshops and service. He taught me that we were called to make disciples and not converts, and have faith that is of quality. He showed me a different way to approach evangelism in campus ministry through the workshops, and revealed Jesus not just as Saviour, but Lord over our lives. He reminded me to give Him my all (including the part of me that somewhat resolved not to deal with romantic relationships for good) and let Him write my story. He revealed the enormity and greatness of His nature, reassuring me that I could do all things through Christ who strengthened me. The entirety of camp was focused on glorifying Him in all things, and it was spectacular.

On a different note, God also showed me what it meant to serve. Having to sing three nights in a row and play keys one of the mornings was tough. And so was staying up till 3am with the committee members to discuss camp stuff. And it was nuts watching Lionel work on videos last minute as I helped compile all the tiger court evidence into a slideshow. Boy, it was crazy hard, and not everything went according to plan - but it really made me think about what serving as a youth leader meant.

As I pondered, Mark 10:43b-45 came to mind - "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

Being a leader calls for humility above all else, and I see that in my fellow committee members. While I whined about not getting enough sleep, I realized all these leaders weren't either. But they gave it all they had and served out of love. It's just insane that I've only started realizing what a sacrifice being a leader really demands. These people really deserve to be honored for their service and I seriously have so much more to learn from all of them.

To find myself still at square one has been astonishing. To think that I'm just getting started at this whole leadership thing. But I know that when the next season arrives, I'm up. I'm going to be deployed on His army to serve His kingdom, and it'll be harder than ever, considering I'll be 15,474km away from home. Nevertheless, no matter where I am, it will still be the same, amazing life-changing call.

For that, I am infinitely grateful.

Solitude '14

The last time I wrote about solitude was about a year ago.

I was in a confused state then, having just ended a relationship I knew God had determined was not holy. I craved the world, trying to hold onto it inch-by-inch, even though I knew in my heart that the only way to eternal life was for my carnal self to die, and for the Holy Spirit in me, to live. I'm not gonna let my guard down on anything, but I think I am spiritually secure enough to say that things have changed since.

Solitude bears a different meaning for me now.

When I think of being alone in my room, I don't see isolation. Instead, I see connection - a connection to the Heavenly Father. When I am alone, not just in my room, but wherever it is I may be, I am focused on Him. I can hear Him speak to me, I can hear Him counsel me and He comforts me.

When I am alone, I am with my Father, who teaches me right from wrong, who rebukes me for my sin, who reminds me of the greatest price He paid so I could be saved, so I could be loved, infinitely and unconditionally.

When I am in solitude, I can see the words from His word, surface above the page to embolden me. I can freely share my thoughts with Him, both good or evil, and listen as the Word is being recited in my heart, either to edify or to rebuke me.

The Holy Spirit is the loudest in moments of silence, in moments of solitude.

I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I thought I must've been strange to sometimes want to whisk myself away from this world and be alone for a bit. And often being alone led me to usher in negative thoughts, and I dwelled in those for hours.

But I've realized now, that the solitude wasn't purposed for me to wallow in the whims and fancies of Satan.

It's for me to call God, and talk to Him, about anything. God gave me the desire to spend moments alone so I could spend them with Him. I tell Him about work and the silly things my colleagues say or do. I tell Him about how tired I am on a nine-to-five and my desire to quit. I tell Him about church, about how I love serving Him. And I also tell Him about how tired I feel in doing so many things in church, and having to be let down by people at church countless times and yet not be able to take offense. I show how stubborn I am about wanting to see change in myself, because I think it is too difficult. I tell Him about that guy I really like even though it's really embarrassing. I tell Him about how scared I am to be alone for the rest of my life, or to be forced to settle for something less than the best I see for myself.

And God replies me too.

He tells me to be salt and light on this earth, especially to people at work who don't know Him or who do but have not lived out the lives He has called us to live. He tells me not to compromise spending time with Him because I am nothing with Him and He calls me to rest in Him, in His love. He tells me that He has a great calling for people in church, and that all of us in His kingdom have fallen short of glory because we are still very much people. He tells me that His plan is bigger than the one He had for this world, and that I should trust Him and not people. He also tells me that people are like one another - they hurt and sometimes they say or do stupid things, but His love helps them repent and move on from those things. He goes on to tell me not to stop - to finish the race and fight the good fight and press on towards the goal. He tells me to stop listening to that evil dude who keeps trying to ruin His plans. He could have rolled His eyes when I bring up the topic of life partners again, but again, He reminds me that His ways are higher than mine and His thoughts are greater than mine and I should just calm down and trust Him. He also tells me that I am to work on my relationships with people at church, at work and especially with my family.

It's really not so bad being alone at times. We need this solitude in life at times, so we can talk to God and hear what He has to say. We need it because we need Him to refresh us, and often we are only refreshed when we are not distracted and alone with Him.

We need to be alone, just so we can spend time with God.

“But the LORD is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him.” 

-Habakkuk 2:20