And hey, discipline isn't really discipline after all if I allowed temptation to take over and say what I've been meaning to say. I guess it's way better to withhold myself from speaking during a flurry of emotion - I'd rather forgo the words that grant me temporal gratification in order that the character I grow into will be one of permanence.
I blame classical music for this. For all of this. I was okay, and then I listened to some stupid piano song and now I'm all emo and stuff. Yep, I'll blame it on the classical music.
Vivian, you're way smarter than this. All those "Did you know" facts on Facebook are nothing but a bunch of bullcrap, man. Just because you've had these "feelings" for more than 6 months, it doesn't mean you love him. You don't. You don't love this person, you only love the idea of having him. As much as you'd like to convince yourself it'd be a bed of roses if you have him, it's not true. That's not what God intended for you to have in a relationship, God wants you to focus on well, God. To draw close to the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. And if this pulling you away, drawing you further from the Father, it's time to move on.
It's a good thing, I guess. That I'm leaving, that is. I've been contemplating for ages whether to confront him with my feelings, but I've resolved to silence the notion even on the day of departure. After all, by telling him, what are my expectations? What's the point? Does it do any good? Maybe. Will it hurt our friendship? Definitely. I'm not about to make another stupid mistake, like the one I made a year ago. Two years ago. Five years ago. I'm not going to say things I don't mean, and then look back and cringe in embarrassment and remorse for saying them out loud. I'm not going to give the Devil a foothold over my life, to mess with me through my emotional tendencies.
I'm gonna be brave. God has made me a courageous person, more than a conqueror. I will get over it and persevere through it all. I was born for such a time as this, that I would take heart and overcome with God's strength.
I don't love him. It's just the idea that entices me. Even if it has bothered me consistently for over a year. My mind is playing tricks on me, and it's ratchet. It's ratchet as heck man. I thought about it, what it'd be like if we were, you know, but hey, that's not what it's suppose to be. And if it were convenient and if he did respond according to my own whims and fancies, what would my consequent subservience show? It would display my nature as someone who breaks the law when things are convenient. That's not how it should be. Laws were made for a life of no temptation, it's value comes when we are faced with it. I got standards man, and it's time to put them up like bam whaddup. I ain't just any girl, I'm GOD'S GIRL. WHAT DIDCHU LEARN AT CAMP SELF
As Jane Eyre puts it:
"I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself. I will keep the law given by God, sanctioned by man. I will hold to the principles received by me when I was sane, and not mad - as I am now. Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation: they are for such moments as this, when body and soul rise in mutiny against their rigour; stringent are they; inviolate they shall be. If at my individual convenience I might break them, what would be their worth? They have a worth - so I have always believed; and if I cannot believe it now, it is because I am insane - quite insane: with my veins running fire, and my heart beating faster than I can count its throbs. Preconceived opinions, foregone determinations, are all I have at this hour to stand by: there I plant my foot."
So let's do this, V. Just walk it off, aite?
Just walk it off.
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