I know you probably feel the same, looking at this verse all, over, again. Yeah, I get it. God has a plan for me, and it's always good, and it offers me a hope and a future. And well, those plans can sometimes be tough, but they are always good. Blah blah blah. So there.
With all that's been going on in my head lately, everything just feels really difficult. I don't know how I'd get through this, and my mind just paces from one thought to another, thoughtlessly. There are no youth services on Sunday for the time being, and so I have to read the Word more on my own for refreshing from the Lord. And sometimes I don't feel refreshed, I feel daunted. And then I stop reading, and mope in my own miseries.
Today, I thought about my relationship with my family. I wonder why I was made so incompatible with the family God put me in. Like everything now just seems to be my fault, cuz I had big dreams and everyone else had to make a sacrifice just so I could fulfill them. My mum's okay, and I know God is taking care of her very well, but my dad can react pretty atrociously at times. I won't go into detail about his behavior, because they aren't significant - well, not as important to me as what I believe he thinks of me and what I'm doing.
I can only say that he hasn't quite grasped this whole Christianity thing yet - he expects me to utilize the gift of my intelligence to rake in money once I graduate, buy him a Porsche and let him live an affluent life. I, on the other hand, have other ideas. I have a desire to serve the community, which involves not beginning working at 21. Return to Malaysia and serve the local church, before I go into a full-time job and build a career. I want to be able to give back to my parents, but I'm just not convinced that becoming a billionaire is the only path that can accommodate my desire to honor and love my parents via gifts.
Why the both of us have our flaws and our faults in the family, I find it really hard to love my dad because he doesn't seem to understand that pursuing Christ comes above all else, including a good job equalling money and that money equalling a life of affluence. I'd love more than anything else to give my parents that and more, but I want him to realize that these are not the things life should be founded upon. It's tough, and I'll just be brutally honest - sometimes I just want to shout at him and tell him to shut up about money, because as much as we need it to survive, I'm tired of being pressured to earn big and pay everyone back. It also doesn't help that it contradicts God's promise that he would keep us and provide for us.
I then ask God why.
Why put me in a family like this, and give me a dad that is so difficult to deal with? I know people in church don't have perfect families, but at least they have a dad who's bent on crucifying His flesh to the Cross.
And that's when He swooped into my thoughts, and spoke to me.
"Because I care about your character, not your circumstances."
Jeremiah 29:11 couldn't have showed up in my pandemonic mind at a better time. I'm not always sure whether something I think about is something from the Holy Spirit, but I know for certain that it was the Spirit of God speaking to me.
God does have a plan, and He will not rest until it comes into fruition. Sure, my dad might be difficult to love, but the easy thing to do (which I have been consistently doing), is to just write him off as unreasonable and not worth caring for.
But the difficult thing to do, which Christ did for us, is to love my dad anyway. To put aside every ounce of pride in my mind and do the right thing. I don't have to agree with everything he says, but I need to hear him out. I don't always like how he thinks or behaves, but I don't have to react to it. It's not that I'm being weak or anything - I'm being meek instead. Strength under control, if that's what you call it. I will need every fruit of the Spirit that the Holy Spirit can flourish in me to love my dad.
Yet, I don't lose out. If anything, I gain everything - I will grow stronger in character. Sure, I won't be around for the next two years, but with every Skype call and Whatsapp message, I'll do my best.
Because this plan and purpose isn't just for me, it's also for him. And just as Christ gave Himself up for the church, I will give up my pride for my dad. One day, he'll understand that and he'll be transformed. He'll be that new person God has intended for him to be.
I can't wait.
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