True beauty?

There was a time where I would have wallowed in self-hate and disgust when I saw an unflattering photo of myself (or at least what I think is unflattering). I believed that what I looked like determined how I lived because honestly, we all know physically attractive people get dibs for everything. And I made that my excuse for not doing the things I loved doing, because I rationalized that I wasn't cut out for anything anyway with my thunder thighs and my meh facial features. I decided I wasn't cut out for mass comm from an early age because I believed that you needed to look good to make it there. But that wasn't the most damaging thing.

When I was insecure, I'd look at other people and I'd see their flaws. I began seeing how imperfect other people so I'd feel better about myself. And for those who I couldn't see anything wrong with, I mentally destroyed their character. I rationalized that maybe they had a horrible personality, or that their good looks meant they lacked substance. I was angry at the world for being so unfair, and I was angry at the people who had won the genetic lottery and were beautiful. When my feelings for a guy weren't reciprocated, I looked at myself in the mirror and figured it was my fault, because I wasn't attractive enough. But I never talked about it. I avoided dealing with it like the plague, always pushing it aside or distracting myself by petitioning for other things I also cared about. I chastised people when they talked about it, thinking it was shallow. So unbeknowst, I let myself fall for the belief that I just wasn't cut out for it, but I masked it with the notion that I couldn't care less. But I did.

But over the years, I've come to realize that all of it is bogus. By blaming society and its insistence of my physical worth, I bought into the idea that beauty is everything. By telling myself that I am still beautiful in comparison to many others and bashing others who fit the criteria of beauty, I became a disservice to the very principles of love and humility that Christ embodied. By judging and ignoring the open conversation of beauty, I don't find liberation, but stagnation. And hey, I won't lie, I still struggle with all of the above.

But what if I don't need to be "beautiful" to make a difference? What if I accepted the reality that I'm not physically attractive as society dictates, but that it's still okay? What if physical beauty is just a part of life that stands out, but is not life itself? What if, my worth is in Christ alone because I am made in His image and that constitutes a beauty that the world may never learn to comprehend?

Isn't that beautiful?

Sorry stupid post

I'm scared.

I want to go home. I don't want to stay here anymore. I just want to be with family.

I just want to talk to Popo. I want to hear her singing in the kitchen, her singing in the shower. I want to drink clear chicken soup in the dining room and complain about her drinking too much coffee, and her watching too many Hokkien dramas. I want to listen to her grandmother stories, the vivid recollections of her childhood and youth. I want to say goodnight and rest early to her before I solemnly agree to go to sleep and secretly surf the net until 1AM.

Yet, I also want to talk about this new place I'm gonna call home for the next two years. But I can't, because my face is doused in tears and I'm trying hard as hell to hold this fort up when everything's crumbling down.

I'm scared, and I really miss home.

Left for America

Praise the Lord. I'm officially in the U.S. of A!

There's so much uncertainty as to what's waiting for me in the next two years, but surprisingly I'm not too taken aback right now. Things were a little rough last month, as I contemplated the aftermath of my departure and the things I had to let go of, but I think it's safe to say that I don't feel too bad now. I'd expected sentimental me to burst out in tears the night I took off, but I didn't.

It's pretty strange, but I think something really felt right. I don't know for sure what it is, but I think it's gotta be God. I don't think I've ever been this NOT anxious before. I know for sure that He has gone before me, and is looking after me even as I'm here now.

Yet, I can't say that nothing's been on my mind. I'm still pretty wistful about things at this side of the world. As I witness Snapchats sent by my friends at church, I feel like everything has moved on pretty well even without me. It's strange really, I'm starting to feel as if my existence in youth has been rather, unreal. Not surreal, UNREAL. As if I was never there. I was just an annoying speck of dust, and once I was gone, things have taken off pretty well.

I know, it's a really selfish thing to say. But I guess that's what one feels when they leave, I suppose. Like they're just afraid things will conveniently slide back into normalcy (yet again, what is normal, per se?)

Well, Vivian, the world doesn't revolve around you. More of Christ, less of you, remember?

I guess it's also partly to do with love language differences. Just because the send off I expected didn't happen, it doesn't mean I am any less loved. And even if I was less loved, what does it matter? I need to constantly remind myself that these little things that people do that I give meaning to, are of no significance, compared to the marvellous extent of God's great glory. And anyway, if I place such emphasis on earthly things instead of kingdom driven things, how will the Holy Spirit work in me?

To be fair, I don't deserve it in the first place. Any of it. Not in a "yeah-I-don't-deserve-it-now-pay-attention-to-me-because-I-want-your-affection-dammit" kinda way; I truly am honest. I don't deserve it. What kind of friend have I been to people at church? How much have I cared and how much have I loved? Somehow, I feel for the most part that I've only cared about getting the truth, and sometimes my version of the truth that it has taken away the element of love. I honestly think I don't deserve having people send me off, or having people do all those things I'd cared about, because I have to admit that I haven't really gotten to know and love them. And I don't expect one year to mean lifelong relationships either, how could I reap when I didn't sow?

I could have done better than I have.

Even so, now's not the time to look back and wallow in dejection and self-pity. Life must go on, and so it will. I refuse to let this year's failures turn the tide of how I will live next year. If anything, I must learn from my mistakes and carry on. Self-condemnation cannot be the key to transformation - Jesus didn't condemn anyone, and so I shouldn't do that to myself. Instead, I must look to Him to go on with life.

But anyway, enough about the past. I figured I'd fill you guys in with some of my initial thoughts about the U.S (YAY).

I've been in New York for about a day and a half now, and I'm really liking it here. The weather wasn't as dreadful as I'd expected it to be - it hasn't snowed and when my family and I arrived, it was only about 7 degrees Celcius, which I think is a decent temperature for winter. We headed for our Queens first thing upon arrival at New York and took a decent nap before braving the cold for dinner with our relatives. We had Korean food for lunch, which I have to say, was pretty darn kickass, and the company wasn't bad either. My relatives are rather outrageous, but they are an amazingly hospitable bunch.

We set out for Elmhurst today, where my relatives live, first thing in the morning today. My grandaunt taught us how to navigate the subway and led us there. She also helped us get a U.S. SIM card and we went over to her apartment to chill for a bit. The rest of my day was pretty much just touring Manhattan and Queens.

My granduncle drove us all to Chinatown for a Cantonese lunch and then we scoured the area for some iconic tourist attractions on the island. We went to Wall Street and checked out the infamous bull (which we didn't quite see due to the influx of tourists) and South Street Seaport which had pretty kickass ships and a landing overlooking the Brooklyn Bridge. We also took a ferry down to Staten Island NOT to check out the island, but to take absolutely low quality and kiamsiap pictures of the Statue of Liberty with our cameras against the dirty glass windows separating us from the crazy chill outside. At night, we headed down to Flushing and had dinner at some dimsum place there that was well known for their xiao long bao.

All in all, New York's been pretty cool. While there are things I'd have to get used to, like the units of measurement (what the heck is 32 Fahrenheit oh yeah 0 degrees Celcius whoop), how to use coins here (seriously what on earth is one dime) or even the large portions here, I really enjoyed strolling by the streets and going to places I'd previously only seen on TV. The subway system here is really convenient, and as long as you plan your journey, you're bound to get from one place to another without hassle. It's probably gonna be different when I head down South, but for now I'm really just contented taking in the sights and the sounds of the Big Apple :)

3 days left

When I came to accept the weakness and the inadequacy that lived within me as a result of sin that could not be redeemed and reconciled to wholeness by other equally imperfect human beings, I realized then that there had to be more to being myself than just me; more to being ourselves than just us.

And there is (was and always will be), a God that rules and moves beyond anything that I can ever understand, and yet who chose to love me in the craziest way possible when there was nothing in me worthy of such a great sacrifice. A God who is, to all He designed for His glory and His great love.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." 

- Ephesians 3:14-21

Photoset: HOME

"We're gonna miss you when you're in U.S."

"Haha, we'll see about that."

"I know when you go there, you won't miss us one lah."



Oh you have no idea, dad. Absolutely no idea.

Hometown

If you'd told the Vivian of two years ago to visit my paternal grandparents apart from Chinese New Year, she'd have retaliated. After all, she hated the place. She hated how the house smelled of burned incense. She sighed in disdain at the thought of sharing the same room with the entire family, in which two thirds were prone to snoring. She found communicating with everyone a daunting prospect, because she didn't speak her own dialect. And she absolutely loathed how empty the house seemed every Chinese New Year, because her family was the only one that bothered to return to Kedah every year while everyone else was "busy" with life in Australia or something.

Yet, here I am - spending a night here in my grandparents' place.

To be fair, I hadn't thought about staying here over the weekend. I initially planned to host a farewell with some friends today, but my parents had told me they wanted me to see my grandma and whoever else who was back in Kedah to say goodbye before I spend the next two CNYs in Texas. I was a little disappointed at first, but after some thought, I decided I'd do it. My parents didn't force me into this one - they'd told me I could totally just ring my grandma up and let her know I was flying off next month. But somehow, I felt it wouldn't cut it. I knew I had to do the right thing.

I needed to make that trip up north.

It's ironic, really. For many years I held it against my parents for making me come back here, for making me endure being in a place I felt I didn't belong. I've lost count of the times I've shed tears in this place.

And yet, there's peace in my heart as I'm here today. I got to spend quality time with my cousin, who's pretty lonely here in Kedah without her parents by her side. I got to have nasi lemak, made by my grandma. I got to hear about my relatives' experiences of studying abroad and their advice. I got to have a bowl of Assam Laksa for RM3 for dinner, along with a bunch of other dishes also priced within the same range. And there's more tomorrow.

But more importantly, I'm not angry anymore. I'm not upset at anyone anymore. I've just learned to let go.

And I couldn't be more grateful.

3:42 PM

November's been depressing.

I know people usually go through the excitement stage first before they feel sad about leaving everything behind, but everything's been on plateau mode for me, before it all went downhill from there.

Don't get me wrong - God has been faithful, helping me get past my visa interview and keeping things together in the family. I just don't always feel okay. Well, most of the time I don't.

I think I've always been pretty responsible as a person. I'm not one to run away from home, because I feel a strong attachment and obligation to my family members to not one day just go missing and escape from the harsh reality of life. I've always lived by their principles - to always plan, not make decisions in the spur of the moment and do the right thing. To be obedient, to stay put and be accountable for everything. I think it's most likely a result of being the oldest - I need to be the example to my younger sister, the only sibling I have and honor my parents.

But today I feel like just taking a train and going somewhere. Just somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe KL. I don't need to plan to go to KL, I just need to go. Walk through the streets and breathe in the exhaust fumes. Absorb the sounds of motor vehicles and watch people do what they do. Take in everything there is to take, in the city. It's simple enough, just go somewhere and stay there for a bit. Alone and conscious of what I'm doing and where I'm at.

I'd stare at the gap between the platform and wonder how it'd be like to jump onto the tracks. I'd sit down and watch the people walk by; try and come up with stories about their life. Jump onto every assumption I can grasp within my mind, and make something out of it. Not to be spiteful or anything, but just for the sake of storytelling. I'd hop into the LRT and travel all the way to the last station and get off. I'd explore whatever that was there. The station. The streets. The housing area. The food vendors. The nearest 7-Eleven. The smallest and most ridiculous of things.

Even toilets. I'd check out their toilets.

I'd walk around. Breathe in the polluted air and clear my throat. Take pictures with the DSLR I've had since I was fifteen. Watch out for creeps on the street. Whatever. Then I'd drink some water, hop back on to the LRT and head back. Then drive home and keep all these things to myself, as if I'd just done something extremely normal and commendable as a person.

I'd do all that if I were brave enough. I would.

But I'm not really all that brave. And I'm alone.

I quit my job this week. I really liked working there. Today I took a turn to where the shop was, on the way home. I saw my bro Dave walk out, and then walk back in. I felt sad. I wanted to park my car and go in, but I know I couldn't. I would've gone in and cried. I miss working there. When I worked there I felt invincible. I felt like I belonged there, like my destiny was to be a barista. I still think I could've worked there all my life. I was fast, I was efficient. And I just learned how to make good latte art. I would've been a top barista if I'd worked longer. But I quit. I had to quit.

I got my visa this week too. I got lost on the way to pick it up, but I managed to collect it. And I looked at my visa. I took one hard look at it. I'm going to the U.S. I am going to the U.S. Wow. It didn't strike me, but I repeated it again to myself. I'm going to the U.S. And I'll be there on my own for the next two years. Cool.

I've been avoiding some people too. I'm scared I'll be forced to like people I don't want to like, so I stray away from them. I don't want them to see who I really am. I don't want them to know me, and then like me for what they think I am. I don't want to be obliged to choose the people society says I deserve. I don't want to be judged for disliking someone because of their looks. I don't like it. I don't like being told what to do. But I also need to let go. This is tough. This is confusing. I think I'll be single for the rest of my life, but surprisingly I'm okay with that. People will get married and I will feel left out, but I'll be okay. I know I will, because God has been faithful. Why do I care what others think about me wanting to live life alone? Maybe I'll find someone when I'm 50 and we'll love each other in a retirement home.

I wish I could talk things out with people, but I want them to know I'll make it. I'm a little emo now but I can go on with life. I don't need anyone to tell me I can't do it, because I don't need to hear that now. I want to believe God will help me get through life, and as tough as it is, I will get through it.

Maybe, definitely

So maybe sports isn't so bad after all.

I still haven't gotten a chance to practice playing frisbee, but I got to try it out. I played captain ball today after Alpha, and hey, it wasn't too bad. It was pretty fun, although I do admit I could learn to spread out on the playing field and catch the ball more effectively.

But hey, it was pretty great.

So maybe this fellowship thing is working out too.

I've been talking to God about having something like this happen, because I believe fellowship was key in building relationships with others, though the purpose of Alpha was to introduce Christ to those who have yet to know Him. I spoke about it to one of my bros over dinner the other night, saying that perhaps there needs to be more effort gone into fellowship and more utility in Alpha as an evangelistic tool, but he pretty much just said "Relationships take time" and "We're not to shun the gospel down someone's throat" in response. I'm not quite sure he got what I meant seeing that those responses were a bit on the extreme side, but I don't blame him. I guess everyone has a different take on how the course of relationships should take place, but I personally feel that it's about time some of us (other than me) hung out with Megs.

When I reminisce my time in CF, I am reminded of how friendly and hospitable we all were to one another. It was such a great example of the overflowing of the Father's love, that we could not contain our love for Him that we let it overflow into the lives of others by displaying the same love. I wanted that to happen in church, but I wasn't sure if my heart was right when it came to this; I wondered if I was being a little biased since I had spent more than a year in CF and barely invested in relationships in church, or if I was having unrealistic expectations about what church should be, and was comparing things again to CF. Thus, I decided not to tread that ground over dinner with the others, especially since that bro replied as such.

But God is faithful. He knew what was in my heart, and He assured me that He had everything under control.

Megs*, Day* and I went out for Boat Noodle after captain ball today. Initially, it was just gonna be Megs and I, as usual, having our Sunday night hangout sesh, because most people were having dinner with their families, not excluding Day himself. However, after a phone call, he decided he could join us because his plans with his family got called off. So we headed off to Jaya One together and got to chatter over food. It was pretty funny (because Day's jokes are extremely hilarious and LAME) and I think Day and Megs got to know each other slightly better.

And the craziest thing was, I didn't even speak to Day about this since I got put off the other day. But God knew better.

In all, I praise the Lord, for His faithfulness. Although I'm not too sure how things will turn out over the next couple of weeks, but I am sure that God's ways are above my ways, and His thoughts are above my thoughts. I only need to trust in the work that He is doing, that He will bring it into completion, and I must be obedient to His call and linger in His love at all times. He did it today, and I'm sure there is more, in time to come.

So maybe I don't have to get what I want to be happy.

I know this appears to come from an unknown place, but maybe, JUST MAYBE, I don't have to be with someone who is my "type" to be happy. I had the opportunity to share a brief account of my past relationship in accordance with how God answered prayers, and it suddenly dawned upon me that the person I am currently attracted to was pretty much the same type of guy I dated, in my previous relationship. Well sure, there were several attributes in their personality that were different, but all in all, they were similar in terms of physical attributes. And so I'm starting to think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, that God did not or has not allowed anything to happen between us because He knew better than for me to be tempted and make the same dumb mistake I made last year.

Sure, I'm a little stronger than I was before, but as strong as I am spiritually, I will always need to be anchored to God, because in my own strength I am weak. The weakness of God is greater than my strength. God knows what I need, and maybe, just maybe, He knows I don't need this particular person to make me happy. It could be anyone, and I need to let Him let His plan come into fruition.

Of course, that does not mean I shun every other guy who seems to be my "type" because I think that's what God's plan is. It's still a maybe, after all, but hey, I'd like to keep an open mind about His will, though I am determined to be shut towards anything that sets itself against the knowledge of God.

So definitely, I'd say today was a great day. In fact, this entire week has been pretty amazing.

I made a conscious decision to focus on others instead of myself, I allowed others to speak into my life and rebuke me, and I let myself be honest not just to others, but to myself. I've realized that sometimes I allow things to be complicated, when really it's all so simple. I was also reminded that there are many people, especially my family members, who love me, regardless of whether they understand me or not. They truly care, and whether I am okay or not okay, as long as they are aware of how I've been doing, they are assured about me and glad.

I think my shards are slowly becoming visible to others, but that's okay. Everyone is broken, and I'm broken too. I'm sometimes concerned about what people would say when they see the broken pieces of my life that I've concealed for so long, but I really don't care anymore what people say. I only need Jesus, and I know that He'll make things come together for my good.

And so will He, for all those who love Him and His kingdom :)

* Names have been changed in reverence of the individuals referred to above and the acknowledgement of their right to privacy

Step upper

Looking back at the last year and a half, I am truly blessed to be able to call CF my second home. It hasn't been an easy ride, having to put God first in the midst of uni responsibilities and family; and having to work with a committee of people with different views and spiritual walks. It was also challenging meeting people from different denominations and theological stands, and I gotta admit it did shake my faith quite a bit.

Nevertheless, CF humbled me to ask the difficult questions, and steered me back to the Word and the Holy Spirit. I had amazing fellow committee members and advisors who did not judge me for my doubts and questions, but challenged me to continue wrestling with God in understanding who He is as both a Father and sovereign Lord. They have been great people of accountability and genuine love, unbeknownst to me.

Honestly though, every TUCF-ian I have encountered in this journey has been a real blessing as they have enriched my life with their presence and encouraged me with their testimonies. As I step upper and pass on the baton to the next secretary, I truly hope CF will continue to be FAMILY to everyone who steps into D8.14 (or anywhere), just as it has been for me, by the grace of God.

Of two Vivians and a Dr. Tan

One of my closest brothers in Christ once told me that he could relate to my mental struggles. He said there were two versions of himself, A and B, and they always contradicted one another. He told me he learned not to succumb to the thoughts planted by the enemy, and to always remember God's love supersedes everything else and thus, to put Him first.

At first I didn't quite buy the whole analogy of having two versions of ourselves, but now that this conflict has materialized so prevalently, I finally understood what he said that night in the car, en route home via the NKVE. Because it's real, and it's happening, even right now.

It's crazy how much I over think these days. I could be doing something as mundane as washing my car, and instantly I'd be transported into an alternate reality where some of my biggest fears come to life. In real time I am a university student, bound to head to the States in less than six months; but in another universe, I am unhappily married to a man I don't love out of obligation. Well, that escalated abruptly, didn't it?

I'm crazy.

But fortunately, another part of me comes swooping in, summoning a word of scripture to bind the naive realist in me. I realize then and there, while wiping the moisture off my rearview mirror, that there is more to life than to fear about never finding someone to love. I remember what I'd told myself a year ago about what I'd wanted to do. I remembered my heart for Malaysia, for the children who didn't have the same opportunities as I did in the realm of education. I remember my desire to go to the States, to acquire as much knowledge and experience as I could, so I could come back here to make a difference in this nation.

And then it struck me.

I don't know how that's gonna work out, but I know God sees everything and it will all come to pass in time.

I don't need to worry, or fear, because He is in control.

A couple of months ago I attended a Christian psychological conference on culturally sensitive counselling. I remember a Dr. Tan expounding details on cognitive behavioral therapy. In doing so, he also addressed and debunked certain myths on psychology. I recall a specific mention on the validity of neutrality when it comes to our thoughts. Dr. Tan said that there is no such thing as a neutral thought. There are only thoughts, and each thought can either be positive or negative. However, it is important to remember that our thoughts are not who we are. We might think of something bad, or something good, but it does not mean it is or will always indicate our inherent nature. Rather, we have the liberty to reject thoughts we do not want, and replace them with the word of God.

And I guess I've forgotten that. I've forgotten to take a deep breath and realize that I am not my thoughts. I've just been trying to do everything myself and it's not working out. I've been so worried about what I'm doing right or wrong that I'm not putting my focus on the only thing that matters - JESUS.

I can't do this with my own human strength, I need to draw it from Him and then work things out. During the conference, there was another analogy I found relevant. I can't recall exactly what items were used in the example, but I will try and explain it according to what I remember. Our journey with Christ is like a path, that goes onward. In order to stick to this path, there is a light in front of us that guides us and keeps us on our focus. At the risk of sounding cliche, that light is God. Nevertheless, on the sides of the path there are distractions, and these distractions will move along with us as we progress onward. And these, you can't get rid of.

But as Christians, our duty is to remained focus on the light that will keep us on that path, and not turn our eyes to the distractions around us. If we abandon the pursuit of the light, we will remain engrossed in the insubstantial matters on the sidelines, that will never benefit us, but lead us to an endless reciprocity of hopelessness, fear and guilt. But if we keep our eyes on Him, we will live by the love of God and never lose track of what we've been called to, and whom.

And it's Him. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit.

I still have no idea how things are gonna be like two years from now. I don't know who I'm ever gonna marry, or if I even will get married. But I don't care, because I remember who I am, and what I've been called to do.

And everything else, is secondary.

The Lord is my Shepherd,

I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows,

He leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength,

He guides my every path,

bringing honor to His name

Even when I walk through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me

in the presence of my enemies,

You honor me by anointing my head with oil,

my cup overflows with blessings.

Sure your goodness and unfailing love with pursue me

all the days of my life

and I will live in the house of the Lord, forever.

Scripture of the week guys - Psalms 23. It's embedded in my head now, and I promise you I didn't copy that from the internet ahaha.

Amen.

What is this loneliness you speak of

I think I should start being prepared to tread this world on my own.

I feel lonely as it is already here in Malaysia this semester, and I frankly don't know how I'll fare when I get to the States. It seems as if every second of the day is spent looking for something valid to fill the next undertaken one, and it surely is daunting.

I really don't know why I'm suddenly saying all this. Maybe it's because I'm listening to Gem Club, which God knows can incite weird, trance-like and emotional vibes within my veins. Or maybe it's because I'm starting to realize that every step I take in life has mostly been taken alone, and I'm afraid of growing up because I won't have anyone to hold onto anymore. Or maybe it's just the aftermath of discovering a best friend's current romantic and secure attachment; and realizing that I'll lose him soon. I can't single out any one of these factors and name them the culprit of these emotional strings, but I know they still tie me to the past and I have yet to relieve myself of them.

A part of me wants to run to my parents and tell them I love them and that I want to spend time with them. I don't want to be alone in these next six months, in spite of the fact that I see them every single day and yet I barely say a word to them. I don't want to leave home, I just want to go back to being three years old all over again where I had the happiest days of my life, evoking mischief and being forced to take a nap. These days it seems as if every word I write comes with a tear, and I just cannot bring myself to physically admit that I am weak and falling apart inside.

Each Coming Night by Iron & Wine,

Each coming night is filled with football madness; trying damn hard not to curse at lousy football players (such irony), checking Instagram at half-time to keep awake and largely, prying my stubborn and sleepy eyes open for the sake of using the odd-houred match as conversational currency. I feel empty, really. I open the bible on some days to find nothing, and other days I hear the Holy Spirit speaking to me ever so loudly and allowing me to inspire and minister to others. But the fact remains that I do have days where I feel infinitely alone and miserable because I am a workaholic and there is nothing worthy of my attention or action.

And yet I am happy that he has found someone, and that that someone has found him too. I am glad that they are both in love, although I'm not sure what to make of it. I also think people overrate my responses to the nth degree, thinking that because I am known infinitely for my temper, its intensity must override every other area in my life. I really am not amused these days. I know far too much than I should, and sometimes I wish I didn't. Sometimes I wish I was stupid, I wish I was silly, and that I would love, and love, and love, and love, and love, and love, and love and love until I could love no more. I want to give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give and give until I have nothing left to leave you with.

I have tried to love so much that I am growing tired. Ironically you can derive tired from tried. But that does not amuse me at all. No it doesn't.

I'm trying to sort out this poetry thing but it's not working out. Is this a work of prose, or is this poetry? Or is this semi-prose or semi-poetry? How can one tell? What does my work resemble? Can I even consider this to be a work of literature? An ongoing and unstoppable force, a silly and strewn about mess in my head. I am lost, and I am found. I need Jesus.

I think I have listened to too much ambient indie music. Spotify, please go away. I need good sleep. I need love. I need my parents and I need my family. I don't want to be alone.

I need Jesus. I need you, God. I NEED YOU.

Heehee (literally)

Dear Hee Sung,

I hope you liked the surprise we all threw you, and that you liked the harmonica all of us helped chip in to get you. I hope God will inspire you to use this harmonica to bless others with your musical talent, and in turn, glorify the name of Jesus. May you continue to walk with the Lord in the pursuit of holiness and allow Him to use you for greater things.

Now, onto the personal and soppy stuff (bear with me!). Firstly, I'd really like to thank you for being my friend. I thank you for listening to me, since the first semester when everything was novel to me and when I was attached to someone, and I thank you that you have continued to be a good listener even now as I've grown from that naive person into the somewhat progressed person I am now. Your advice and your time has been invaluable, and there is no way I can return you this favor, even if I were to monetarily do so. I don't know many people who are good listeners or any who are willing to engage in frivolous debates about the most petty things to more serious issues; but you are one of those rare people - so know that you have a special place in my life.

Your loyalty to your church and to the CF has really inspired me and taught me a great life lesson. At first I couldn't empathize with why you were running around, juggling church duties and CF responsibilities, but eventually when I was placed in the same shoes as you were, I understood what you were going through. I probably won't know what else you might have undertaken during your time here, but I respect and honor your commitment and sacrifice for God. It has encouraged me to be committed to the ministry as well, and not to give up even when things get rough. Nevertheless Hee Sung, let not your zeal overwhelm you to the extent that you do not spend time dwelling in His word and spending time just talking to the Lord. As much as we'd like to please God and leave a legacy, all of this would be in vain if the core of our faith, which is our relationship with God, is not present. So please, do take a break every once in a while and ponder upon what God is speaking to you, and just rest in His love. Other than that, you're doing great in the realm of faith and endurance, and I hope you will continue to remain just as enthusiastic and committed to the Lord!

I believe our friendship has been sanctioned by God, even before we knew each other. Frankly, I never intended to attend CF when I first entered Taylor's. I didn't have any Christian friends I knew, and I was afraid to go there alone. I think I found out you were a Christian after I added you on Facebook after knowing you from Calculus class, and then I asked if you attended CF after History class. You said you did, and then we went to CF together. I believe God placed you in two of my classes, just to make sure I attended CF. Of course consecutively it was my decision to make, but I know that if I hadn't known you I probably would not have gone. After all, we are from different majors and our paths may not have crossed so easily, but it did anyway. I may not know fully what He had in mine, but there is no mistake that this is divine intervention. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to serve with you, and it has been a fruitful endeavor, my comrade in Christ.

I'm truly sorry if there was anything I may have said or done that brought offense to you. Please forgive me if I have done so. I am also sorry for all the presuppositions I have made of you and against you, for I know not to judge another sibling in Christ now. God has shown me what a good work you have done, and the seeds you have sown into the lives of some of our mutual friends, like Fu Ern, Ming, Eden and others. I hope that you will continue to be the same kickass gardener you are now in the field of God's harvest, even when you are in the U.S. Only He knows the AMAZING plans He has for you. Again, I hope you can forgive me for ever judging you, and know that I have forgiven you to in any event you have caused offense to me.

I could go on and on, but I will spare you from the wrath of my long-winded writing. I barely write letters to people, but when I do, I present it to the people who have had an effect on my life. And you are one of them! Yes, Daniel Kim Hee Sung, you have! I wish you all the best in everything that you do, and I ask that Christ be the center of it all in your life. May you grow more and more in Him and attain the full extent of the Fruits of the Spirit. Hopefully we will meet again someday, be it in the U.S., South Korea or even in Malaysia. Anyhow, there's always Facebook so let's keep in touch aite? I'll miss you a lot when you're not around in the next half of the year!

Sincerely with love,

Vivian Teoh :)

A fine frenzy

So recently I have discovered this amazing app called Spotify, and it has revolutionized the way I listen to music. There are literally dozens of playlists for every mood and occasion, and I've been so ecstatic at the prospect of having a musical theme for every day of my life without undertaking the painstaking process of creating my own playlist. Remarkable, really!

Apart from the discovery that I am now able to synchronize my music with my mood, things have been okay. I still think deep thoughts, I still strive to retain my academic stature and I'm still figuring things out in my faith. Regardless of everything, I can only be grateful that He's been faithful in every circumstance. I can only be grateful that in all my brokenness and fragility, God still loves me. It's crazy that a sovereign and perfect God like Him can love me in all my flaws. I guess I can only thank Jesus for that, for taking my sin - OUR SIN, upon himself so we can have a relationship with the Father. I am really blessed, and I'm not letting any seemingly troublesome endeavor or challenging undertaking ruin the day He has made. I will simply be glad and rejoice in it.

I really am glad for the people God has placed in my life. He's enabled me to see that it isn't a question of whether a person is a believer that they should be a good friend. I can still remember the call for abstinence my school teachers (and sometimes even Sunday school teachers, unfortunately) would advocate. It resonated with me when I was much younger that I should not be in the company of those who had adopted negative values in their lives, simply because it could influence the way I behaved. I do admit, I was rather impressionable (even under childhood standards where 

impressionability is at its zenith), and I took it all pretty seriously. I guess you could say I unwillingly and unconsciously bore a spirit of criticism and condemnation - a result of my strict moral nurturance.

But lately, that infantile theory has been rendered invalid. Although I'm prone to passing judgment upon initial impressions, the Holy Spirit is always there to put my thoughts to a halt. As I'm about to or as I even mentally contemplate a schema in which I should classify an individual under, I am reminded that the person is a creation of the Heavenly Father, made in His own image. And what more can I say? I must, and I shall love this person as Jesus would have loved him or her. It is of no importance what a person does, what they look like they could be any longer, or even what their faith is founded upon; what matters is who they are. They are the creation of the Creator, and to show love to these people would be to reciprocate the Heavenly Father's love. I won't even go into listing out the societal labels placed on individuals as my mind scours through them, because it isn't worth it. We're all people, and we aren't perfect, and we all need the God all the same, for God is love.

Furthermore, we don't have to succumb to the interests and habits of others - we have a greater identity in Christ that keeps us on solid ground. Perfect love casts out fear, and those who fear have not been made perfect in love. Love is a really dangerous thing. And I don't mean that it is only in terms of romantic relationships - I mean the actual willingness to put others before yourself, even in a situation of life or death. That's how far I would want to go for a person, if I truly loved them. My family, my friends, my acquaintances and perhaps, even the relatives whom I find hard to swallow my distaste of. And God-willing, I hope I will someday.

Well yes, I'm not saying it's been easy. It's been tough, attempting to eliminate a stronghold that has lived in my mind for a sizeable amount of time. But I know change doesn't occur overnight, and so I refuse to back down and let my circumstances overwhelm me. Instead, I will make the best out of what I've been given, and let God transform an unfavorable situation into one that glorifies the name of Jesus. While it's been challenging, it's also been very exciting altogether, seeing what God is doing not just in my life, but in the lives of others as well. It doesn't matter who God uses to be the salt and light wherever I happen to be, it is always encouraging to see people grow in their love for the Father.

Personally, I have some freights I need to let go myself. The things of the past that have held me back shall not hold me back any longer. My temperance cannot become a hindrance in progressing in my faith. I realized I have had a little distaste (okay perhaps a tad bit more, let's not sugarcoat that shall we?) for some people in my life on account of the past. But THE PAST IS THE PAST. I've moved on, and I promised God I would hold on to the progress I have made. And I know I will, as long as I don't get caught up with my past fears, my past emotions and my past mistakes. Today, I realized I have moved on from all that. I no longer feel wistful when I see certain things that remind me of what used to be, and I always try to keep a thankful attitude for what I am blessed with so I will not fall into a cycle of dissatisfaction and selfishness again. I trust God and I know I only need to be concerned about His kingdom. Everything else isn't even half as important, and will be added unto me as long as I continue to remain faithful to Him.

Yes, even the matter of finding a life partner. At least I know I am not given the gift of celibacy due to the existence of such desires, and I am looking forward to seeing who it is. In the meantime, my eyes are fixed on Jesus. My objective is to build friendships and in time, these things are revealed to me. I'm just glad that I'm trying not to jump to conclusions about a certain someone not because I am afraid of getting hurt, but because I am waiting for the right time. I will let Him unfold it before me, and I refuse to limit God by offering Him my superficial expectations of having a tall, dark, handsome Christian guy from church. GOD WILL DECIDE (and then let me know lulz).

It may seem strange that I am talking about these things as if I were a child again, still ensconced in innocence and naivety. Contrary to opinion that I have been degraded into my 14 year old self, I'd like to think that I'm reverting to having faith that is childlike. To discredit the notion of overthinking everything and trying to rationalize the world and its caveats with my own wisdom. I will let God be God, and let Him take His place above my life.

I suppose this post will end here. I need sleep. 5 hours of sleep on account of IR has left me disgruntled for a lack of liberty in sucking the marrow out of life.

Until then, xx.

Not sorry for Planetshaking

In those three days, I praised Him like I'd never praise before.

I worshipped Him with all my might, with all my soul and with all my breath.

I cried so much in one night that I had no more tears to shed the nights after that.

I absorbed so much of the Word like a sponge and yet I still long for more.

I spoke and sang in tongues longer than I'd ever done before.

I paid attention to His voice and obeyed His commands in spite of the reluctance of my flesh.

I have rebuked and rejected the Devil's propositions so many times that I now only ever remember God was and is and will always be, VICTORIOUS.

I have been so patient with my family members these days that it's beginning to freak me out  (in a good way) just how God's strength is so immense.

I am so convicted that my only substantial fear is that I do not accomplish my life's purpose of going out to preach the Word and make disciples of all the nations before my time is come.

I have received so much love that I cannot allow myself to fall back into the hate I was once immersed in, but allow instead my love to overflow on others.

There has been so much I've been through in the days since the retreat and in those three days at Planetshakers that giving an account of it all within a couple of hours (that's how much time I take to write a post) would be absolutely IMPOSSIBLE. I could pull an all nighter and challenge myself to write everything down, but I'm honestly too busy trying to read the Word and live the Word that I may not have all the time in the world to record my journey. Nevertheless, I am trying my very hardest to keep an account of what God has done with my life and what He has shown me.

Instead of describing all my experiences in one lengthy post, the next couple of posts will be a series of short testimonies that I hope will adequately explain how amazing God has been in spite of the circumstances. I've got some of my points down, but I haven't really gotten around to edit the drafts into several cohesive units of writing. But I can assure you that these things will surface on this blog soon enough :)

Until then, you'll just have to stay put. Also, it doesn't matter whether you're Christian or not whenever you come across this blog and find another post dedicated to my faith. These words were meant to bless, to testify and to glorify God. You may be able to get some insight from some of the biblical principles stated here.

God bless all of you, and thank you - yes, YOU once again, for reading.

Throwback

In retrospect, 2013 has been a fruitful and eventful year altogether.

In summary, last year I got to:

1. Interview Dia Frampton in person

2. Step into university life

MATH171. I still loathe calculus!

COMM101

ENGL101 field trip

The Uninvited bunch after Meei Jin's theater performance

The CHEM101 bunch

Obligatory post-IPC final poster group photo

3. Confirm the attainment of my scholarship with pretty kick ass SPM results (and later work to kill these dreadful working hours)

4. Join CF

5. Pass my driving test at the third attempt without bribery

6. Drive my own car

7. Visit Singapore again after 4 years and restore connections with relatives there

8. Attend prom yet again

Nick's a real stud heh

9. Take on a post as secretary in CF

CF Committee '13/14

10. Meet Jason Chen and Clara C

11. Turn eighteen with a shower of love

La familia @ Uth

 And The Uninvited (BO JIO) bunch!

12. Obtain an official PAYING part time job as a copywriter

13. Meet Darren Ashley

14. Reestablish my presence in cell and in Alpha (albeit briefly)

15. Finally study the subject of psychology

16. Join 2 sports houses, and take part in a student organized Amazing Race

MASH

Kryptoknights!

17. Say goodbye to whom farewells are due

Kah Haw's

Shad's

3M - Miao Zii, Meei Jin and Mickey's

18. Get into an accident (obviously unintended)

19. Pay Sunway Lagoon a visit again after 12 years

Free tickets thanks to our dear mei mei!

20. Attend my first ever caroling session

21. Attend the inaugural Leader's Retreat

22. End 2013 at a watch night service with my leadership familia (it will be my last before I leave to the States)

... and etcetera.

Throughout the whole of last year, I've seen God bless me with the ability to retain a rather excellent CGPA, find favor with most of my lecturers and find great friends in a setting that was truly novel to me. On a less positive note, I made a rash decision to enter into a relationship at the beginning of the year as a result of the whimsicality of all these novel notions, but upon God's call for me to return to Him, I abruptly then called an end to the relationship on the basis of obedience. I also found conflict with some of my peers and doubted the friendships I was forming with them because they didn't seem to be my "type", but soon found that "types" were a manifestation of a narrow minded mindset and began to open up to people of different interests and of different preferred language in speech. God also reminded me that when it comes to people who delve in an ocean of sins, I must learn to love the sinner and hate the sin. I've come to understand that love does institute change in people, for in 1 Peter 4:8 it says, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."

Almost unknown to me, this year I was also able to honor God in various areas of my life - most of which I was unaware of due to my constant focus on the negative that I had engaged in rather than the positive. For one, I was able to make a conscious decision to honor my father and mother in multiple occasions. I heeded their call to return home early when I had to leave at night, and to call if I could not make it back in time. I had to forgo a couple of events I really wanted to attend out of my obedience to my parents, and had a number of rows with them on the account of their limitation of my freedom. However, during the retreat a couple of days ago, God spoke through my elder leaders that He acknowledged my effort, that He never once forgot the good I did in spite of the numerous horrible decisions I've made over the course of this year. And truly, it is encouraging to hear it from the Lord Himself and I will strive to honor my parents more and more each day.

With relation to honoring my parents, I've found that God has restored my relationship with both my parents, especially my father. Since my uncle's death, he's come to realize that the pursuit of fortune is a superficial and meaningless one, for even my uncle who worked so hard to sustain his family of one, ended up passing on before his time came. I truly thank God that he's finally come around to become a real dad, and I'm doing my very best to be a great daughter as well. I can earnestly witness what God has for my family - the things that have appeared to be a nuisance in the beginning have come to manifest itself as a blessing in disguise, all according to God's perfect plan. It really is AMAZING. Other than that, God has also shown me that the trials I have undertaken have had a great purpose. Being able to share my testimonies after overcoming the obstacles I have had in my life with other who are in the same rut and knowing that they've been encouraged by the words I've said certainly brings me great joy.

In summary, all that, was 2013. But I think the question on all our minds right now is, what's to come in 2014?

I hope this answers your question. My first ever vlog, but there will definitely be more to come.

To my dear readers who've stuck with me from the beginning until today, I thank you. Thank you for taking part in this journey with me. Whoever you may be, always know that you have my love and my endless gratitude.

Here's to a double blessed 2014!