Paranoia

I'm only saying it as it is.

I am pretty paranoid. I think perhaps, that is the main reason behind my frequent plunging into a sea of emotions and melancholy.

When people tell me what they see in my life, no one says there's anything wrong. Everyone thinks I'm always having a ball of a time. People judge from my Facebook activity that I am okay, and deduce from my Instagram photos that I am living the life. I can't say the same about Twitter because I was pretty downtrodden in my tweets, but now that I've deleted my account, I can't say anything at all. I've also been doing quite well academically, which leaves me without almost no reason to fret about my future; and yet I find all of this meaningless. At the end of the day, I question, "So what?"

So I don't feel okay. I don't feel like I'm living the kind of life people think I'm living. I don't think I'm actually happy. I won't use the word depressed, but I'm just sad most of the time.

I'm sad because I don't think I'm going anywhere in my life, or that I've gotten anywhere in the past one year. I feel like this semester has made me an unproductive loser, because I don't have a part time job and I'm constantly browsing the internet for no absolute reason at all. I don't feel I've done enough in CF because everything seems to have fallen short of what we'd set out to do as a committee. And I don't think I've served enough in church. Despite the time I spend in church, I still don't have that utter sense of belonging. I always feel like I am within, and yet without. I could be laughing at a joke, seemingly oblivious to everything else happening around me, and still see myself shut out from the world, from an omniscient third person perspective. It's kind of like a novel come to life; with the exception that it is my life, and I'm suppose to be living it, not watching it happen.

I know this all sounds very familiar, like something you've heard from The Great Gatsby or something. I guess Fitzgerald couldn't have put it any better... Life really is stranger than fiction.

I always search for an excuse to be with people, to engage in conversation with people I share the same faith with, or just people in general; but even when I do, I feel as if I should retreat and be with myself. And when I am with myself, I over think it all. I start to wonder if my idleness is a legitimate condition of life, and if I should stop being alone and spend time with people. Basically, when I do either, the grass becomes a kaleidoscope of colors that I'm confused as to which one is greener.

So yes, it does suck to be in my head. Sure, I have "intelligence" and the "ability to think critically", which helps a lot in university, but apart from that, my head is a battlefield in which wars are waged on a daily basis (or to be brutally honest, every split second). Remember I quoted my friend about having versions A and B of a psyche in one head? Well, that's really just a simplification of what's going down in my cerebral coconut.

I'm a complex person, and I don't see myself becoming anything lesser than that anytime soon. I'm okay with that though, because I believe God created everyone differently and this is just how He intended for me to be. And I know in spite of everything, He'll always be there for me. He will never leave me, nor forsake me.

I'm pretty glad I'm starting to see how everything is really just all in my head. This fear I have regarding the prospect of being alone forever, or that no one truly loves me because of my incompetencies and tendency to erupt into a mess of salt and H20 whenever I am challenged emotionally; it's all a blatant lie. A fabrication of some strongholds in my life. Only God can get rid of them for me, and only I can let Him. I know I am a child of God, and no one can take that away from me, if I choose Him always.

Things have become a little more organized today as I'm getting back on track with devotion and delving in worship on weekday mornings. I'm even writing some songs of my own to sing unto Him, based on scriptures that have encouraged me in these trying times. I'm not sure if I'll ever publicly tell my church friends about these endeavors since we're thinking of writing songs of our own, but I know He'll lead me as I go along, so that's something I should let happen in His timing. But yeah, it's in the works.

I should really be getting back to finishing (more like starting, actually) my short story. It's due in 10 days and I haven't written a single word.

Ta.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 

Philippians 4:8

A fine frenzy

So recently I have discovered this amazing app called Spotify, and it has revolutionized the way I listen to music. There are literally dozens of playlists for every mood and occasion, and I've been so ecstatic at the prospect of having a musical theme for every day of my life without undertaking the painstaking process of creating my own playlist. Remarkable, really!

Apart from the discovery that I am now able to synchronize my music with my mood, things have been okay. I still think deep thoughts, I still strive to retain my academic stature and I'm still figuring things out in my faith. Regardless of everything, I can only be grateful that He's been faithful in every circumstance. I can only be grateful that in all my brokenness and fragility, God still loves me. It's crazy that a sovereign and perfect God like Him can love me in all my flaws. I guess I can only thank Jesus for that, for taking my sin - OUR SIN, upon himself so we can have a relationship with the Father. I am really blessed, and I'm not letting any seemingly troublesome endeavor or challenging undertaking ruin the day He has made. I will simply be glad and rejoice in it.

I really am glad for the people God has placed in my life. He's enabled me to see that it isn't a question of whether a person is a believer that they should be a good friend. I can still remember the call for abstinence my school teachers (and sometimes even Sunday school teachers, unfortunately) would advocate. It resonated with me when I was much younger that I should not be in the company of those who had adopted negative values in their lives, simply because it could influence the way I behaved. I do admit, I was rather impressionable (even under childhood standards where 

impressionability is at its zenith), and I took it all pretty seriously. I guess you could say I unwillingly and unconsciously bore a spirit of criticism and condemnation - a result of my strict moral nurturance.

But lately, that infantile theory has been rendered invalid. Although I'm prone to passing judgment upon initial impressions, the Holy Spirit is always there to put my thoughts to a halt. As I'm about to or as I even mentally contemplate a schema in which I should classify an individual under, I am reminded that the person is a creation of the Heavenly Father, made in His own image. And what more can I say? I must, and I shall love this person as Jesus would have loved him or her. It is of no importance what a person does, what they look like they could be any longer, or even what their faith is founded upon; what matters is who they are. They are the creation of the Creator, and to show love to these people would be to reciprocate the Heavenly Father's love. I won't even go into listing out the societal labels placed on individuals as my mind scours through them, because it isn't worth it. We're all people, and we aren't perfect, and we all need the God all the same, for God is love.

Furthermore, we don't have to succumb to the interests and habits of others - we have a greater identity in Christ that keeps us on solid ground. Perfect love casts out fear, and those who fear have not been made perfect in love. Love is a really dangerous thing. And I don't mean that it is only in terms of romantic relationships - I mean the actual willingness to put others before yourself, even in a situation of life or death. That's how far I would want to go for a person, if I truly loved them. My family, my friends, my acquaintances and perhaps, even the relatives whom I find hard to swallow my distaste of. And God-willing, I hope I will someday.

Well yes, I'm not saying it's been easy. It's been tough, attempting to eliminate a stronghold that has lived in my mind for a sizeable amount of time. But I know change doesn't occur overnight, and so I refuse to back down and let my circumstances overwhelm me. Instead, I will make the best out of what I've been given, and let God transform an unfavorable situation into one that glorifies the name of Jesus. While it's been challenging, it's also been very exciting altogether, seeing what God is doing not just in my life, but in the lives of others as well. It doesn't matter who God uses to be the salt and light wherever I happen to be, it is always encouraging to see people grow in their love for the Father.

Personally, I have some freights I need to let go myself. The things of the past that have held me back shall not hold me back any longer. My temperance cannot become a hindrance in progressing in my faith. I realized I have had a little distaste (okay perhaps a tad bit more, let's not sugarcoat that shall we?) for some people in my life on account of the past. But THE PAST IS THE PAST. I've moved on, and I promised God I would hold on to the progress I have made. And I know I will, as long as I don't get caught up with my past fears, my past emotions and my past mistakes. Today, I realized I have moved on from all that. I no longer feel wistful when I see certain things that remind me of what used to be, and I always try to keep a thankful attitude for what I am blessed with so I will not fall into a cycle of dissatisfaction and selfishness again. I trust God and I know I only need to be concerned about His kingdom. Everything else isn't even half as important, and will be added unto me as long as I continue to remain faithful to Him.

Yes, even the matter of finding a life partner. At least I know I am not given the gift of celibacy due to the existence of such desires, and I am looking forward to seeing who it is. In the meantime, my eyes are fixed on Jesus. My objective is to build friendships and in time, these things are revealed to me. I'm just glad that I'm trying not to jump to conclusions about a certain someone not because I am afraid of getting hurt, but because I am waiting for the right time. I will let Him unfold it before me, and I refuse to limit God by offering Him my superficial expectations of having a tall, dark, handsome Christian guy from church. GOD WILL DECIDE (and then let me know lulz).

It may seem strange that I am talking about these things as if I were a child again, still ensconced in innocence and naivety. Contrary to opinion that I have been degraded into my 14 year old self, I'd like to think that I'm reverting to having faith that is childlike. To discredit the notion of overthinking everything and trying to rationalize the world and its caveats with my own wisdom. I will let God be God, and let Him take His place above my life.

I suppose this post will end here. I need sleep. 5 hours of sleep on account of IR has left me disgruntled for a lack of liberty in sucking the marrow out of life.

Until then, xx.

Overcoming pride (Part 2)

Before I carry on, allow me to apologize for the pride expressed in my previous post. I know I've highlighted many injustices that I felt my fellow brothers in Christ have had against me, but I have come to realize that it is not for me to say who is right or wrong. After all, we are all the epitome of human imperfection and even I am not free from sin, from the making of mistakes. I still possess very strong emotions myself and I am learning to handle them by relying on His strength. In spite of that, I must say, lately I've been quite successful at converting most of my rage into tears. It might sound peculiar to everyone else, but personally it brings me great joy because I know once I've shed them, I remember what He has done for me and the transformation He pioneers in my life that will come into full completion in time.

Therefore, I sincerely apologize for the comments I have made in my previous post and I am assured that in addressing these issues with guidance from the Holy Spirit, slowly I will cease to withhold distaste or even hatred against anyone.

I'll be frank, I wasn't planning on blogging today because I have many other commitments to abide by such as my IR quiz tonight, my TOEFL test tomorrow (keep me in prayer!) and my research proposal due next week. These evils have rendered me trapped within the confines of my room in an attempt to study, but having read the books of 1 and 2 Timothy in the Bible a couple of moments ago, I felt there was a need to jot down some of the Scriptures that I felt spoke to me. There were a few Scriptures that stood out as I recited it out loud, but I'll share just one of them here as I feel it relates to some of the issues I've been having with regards to the realm of relationships - between brethren, that is.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have been ensconced in a conflict with one of my sibling in Christs for quite some time now. I stated that a difference in ideals and temperance were the sole causes of this matter, but now I'm beginning to see that the problem does partly have to do with myself as well. I've had many experiences myself in relationships that see a clash in opinion as a daily undertaking, but never have I in my entire life resolved to overcome the issue. If something ever turned out bad a couple of years ago, you would have seen my back turned against the person I was conflicted with, never to speak to them ever again. I saw that as the most grandiose of solutions as well as a permanent resolve to most conflicts, and for many years it remained that way.

However, the Vivian I was 4 years ago and the Vivian I am right now are two different people altogether. The person I was a couple years back was one inclined towards retaliation and revenge. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. I was always out to justify my right, my stand and I relied on the views of others to remain steadfast as a person. Upon glancing at today's circumstances, I must admit I still hold some of the same emotions. I still have some of my wounds with me although they're beginning to clot and dry up. Soon they will be scars - marks that will remind me of the mistakes I once made, the sin I once took joy in before I regularly repented and renewed my mind. The only contrast between then and now would be that my mindset is beginning to take a turn. I'm starting to see that leaving is not as great of a solution as I thought it would be.

A lot of self-motivation and psychology-related reading material and talk shows tell us to favor the growth of our self-esteem over trying to be a nice person. They advocate happiness and not allowing ourselves to feel hurt or pain with the reason being that our destiny as an individual is too important. Often, we see this as an answer to all our relationship problems and thus, we choose to shun people out of our lives before even having the chance to evaluate the whys and hows of the conflict itself. We think we are too important as a person to deal with any conflict because our comfort as a person is more crucial to ourselves. It then becomes a lot about us, us and US. Now, I'm not saying that every fallout is always going to be on our account - there are some people that we're going to have to let go of in our lives, such as those who continue to speak negatively into our lives out of despise, jealousy or hatred. But if a recurring pattern of conflict begins to emerge in your life, would that not be a sign for us to begin looking at the bigger picture? Shouldn't we cease counting the faults of others and gaze at the people we've let ourselves become to others?

As I mentioned earlier, my immediate resolve as a person then would always be to remove any individual that induced provocation or what I viewed as discouragement from my life for the sake of my happiness. I often thought it was just easier to remove people from my life if I couldn't understand how their personality came to be and upon what foundations where they birthed from. It was easy enough to do with people who didn't share the same faith with me and it was much more common to contemplate it whenever it had to do with people who shared the same Christian faith as I do. My pride and my emotions were top priority.

But I've come to realize that the key isn't to prevent myself from getting hurt - it's to know who to allow to hurt you.

This year, I have answered a call from God to turn away from my old resolutions. I still struggle with my pride almost every day, but being conscious about my thoughts has helped me gain a new mindset in Christ. Anyway, the Bible scripture that stood out to me earlier was 2 Timothy 2:23-26.

"Again I say, don't get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth. Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants."

Upon reading this, I knew He was speaking to me. There have been many instances in which I feel that some of my brethren in Christ are still bound to the ways of the world and have fallen prey numerous times to lethargy and idleness, and I feel hard-heartedly that I must correct them. I always feel the constant need to tell some people off that what they are doing does not align with the Bible, especially after having a Scripture slammed in my face so as to convict me. And I know very well that sometimes I misuse Scripture just to get back at a person who criticizes me, in which they likewise employ to counter me and before I know it, minor arguments have escalated into a full-fledged verbal war in which attacks below the belt are prone. A terrible example of stewardship, I know. Sigh.

Nevertheless, it is said in 2 Timothy 3:16, "All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right," So no, discouragement is not the essence of these revelations - repentance is. I know I have this problem, and I must rely on Him to solve it. Sometimes people may say something to criticize me as a person and I know I won't like it. Chances are, I'd bite back and worse, with the Bible. But the Bible says not to get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments. Therefore, I must evaluate the validity of the criticisms given as well as the intention of the person offering the piece of criticism. If I simply dismiss someone without performing these evaluations, I might have missed out on an opportunity to make right what is wrong simply because I assume all criticism is for the worse. Now, I realize that it is not.

Also, if I know that a sibling in Christ is not obeying the Word of God and if worse, is going against it, I shouldn't be harsh on them but exercise patience. After all, we are to patiently correct, rebuke and encourage people with good teaching (2 Timothy 4:2). And I should never, ever, ever use the Word of God to criticize people out of spite. Whatever I do should be on account of love and concern, as He constantly reminds me to do. Man, these are some tough things to abide by if I had to figure it out on my own.

Again, writing has provided me with liberation. I've been on the brink of wanting to eliminate people from my life again simply because I don't see eye-to-eye with them and I have distaste for them within me, but I'm really gonna need God's strength to help me pull through. But I believe that as long as He sustains me and I rely completely on His strength, I will be the most patient person on the face of this earth. EVER. Like, I mean it.

And hopefully, these efforts will be mutual on the other party's part. I don't expect that it be, because then my obedience would be painted with selfish ambition, but yeah, I really hope things are bound to change as I slowly begin to change as a person.

So there you go, another testimony on the undertakings in reducing the level of pride within me. Thanks again for reading, all you non-existent readers out there :)

Throwback

In retrospect, 2013 has been a fruitful and eventful year altogether.

In summary, last year I got to:

1. Interview Dia Frampton in person

2. Step into university life

MATH171. I still loathe calculus!

COMM101

ENGL101 field trip

The Uninvited bunch after Meei Jin's theater performance

The CHEM101 bunch

Obligatory post-IPC final poster group photo

3. Confirm the attainment of my scholarship with pretty kick ass SPM results (and later work to kill these dreadful working hours)

4. Join CF

5. Pass my driving test at the third attempt without bribery

6. Drive my own car

7. Visit Singapore again after 4 years and restore connections with relatives there

8. Attend prom yet again

Nick's a real stud heh

9. Take on a post as secretary in CF

CF Committee '13/14

10. Meet Jason Chen and Clara C

11. Turn eighteen with a shower of love

La familia @ Uth

 And The Uninvited (BO JIO) bunch!

12. Obtain an official PAYING part time job as a copywriter

13. Meet Darren Ashley

14. Reestablish my presence in cell and in Alpha (albeit briefly)

15. Finally study the subject of psychology

16. Join 2 sports houses, and take part in a student organized Amazing Race

MASH

Kryptoknights!

17. Say goodbye to whom farewells are due

Kah Haw's

Shad's

3M - Miao Zii, Meei Jin and Mickey's

18. Get into an accident (obviously unintended)

19. Pay Sunway Lagoon a visit again after 12 years

Free tickets thanks to our dear mei mei!

20. Attend my first ever caroling session

21. Attend the inaugural Leader's Retreat

22. End 2013 at a watch night service with my leadership familia (it will be my last before I leave to the States)

... and etcetera.

Throughout the whole of last year, I've seen God bless me with the ability to retain a rather excellent CGPA, find favor with most of my lecturers and find great friends in a setting that was truly novel to me. On a less positive note, I made a rash decision to enter into a relationship at the beginning of the year as a result of the whimsicality of all these novel notions, but upon God's call for me to return to Him, I abruptly then called an end to the relationship on the basis of obedience. I also found conflict with some of my peers and doubted the friendships I was forming with them because they didn't seem to be my "type", but soon found that "types" were a manifestation of a narrow minded mindset and began to open up to people of different interests and of different preferred language in speech. God also reminded me that when it comes to people who delve in an ocean of sins, I must learn to love the sinner and hate the sin. I've come to understand that love does institute change in people, for in 1 Peter 4:8 it says, "Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."

Almost unknown to me, this year I was also able to honor God in various areas of my life - most of which I was unaware of due to my constant focus on the negative that I had engaged in rather than the positive. For one, I was able to make a conscious decision to honor my father and mother in multiple occasions. I heeded their call to return home early when I had to leave at night, and to call if I could not make it back in time. I had to forgo a couple of events I really wanted to attend out of my obedience to my parents, and had a number of rows with them on the account of their limitation of my freedom. However, during the retreat a couple of days ago, God spoke through my elder leaders that He acknowledged my effort, that He never once forgot the good I did in spite of the numerous horrible decisions I've made over the course of this year. And truly, it is encouraging to hear it from the Lord Himself and I will strive to honor my parents more and more each day.

With relation to honoring my parents, I've found that God has restored my relationship with both my parents, especially my father. Since my uncle's death, he's come to realize that the pursuit of fortune is a superficial and meaningless one, for even my uncle who worked so hard to sustain his family of one, ended up passing on before his time came. I truly thank God that he's finally come around to become a real dad, and I'm doing my very best to be a great daughter as well. I can earnestly witness what God has for my family - the things that have appeared to be a nuisance in the beginning have come to manifest itself as a blessing in disguise, all according to God's perfect plan. It really is AMAZING. Other than that, God has also shown me that the trials I have undertaken have had a great purpose. Being able to share my testimonies after overcoming the obstacles I have had in my life with other who are in the same rut and knowing that they've been encouraged by the words I've said certainly brings me great joy.

In summary, all that, was 2013. But I think the question on all our minds right now is, what's to come in 2014?

I hope this answers your question. My first ever vlog, but there will definitely be more to come.

To my dear readers who've stuck with me from the beginning until today, I thank you. Thank you for taking part in this journey with me. Whoever you may be, always know that you have my love and my endless gratitude.

Here's to a double blessed 2014!