Ode to 2012

As Facebook posts have been getting a little mainstream lately, I decided to do a blog post instead on my verdict of 2012. Unlike the previous years where I simply give an account of the year in a nutshell, this year, I've decided to summarize my experience in high school as well since I've officially graduated and will be adjourning into college next year.

In comparison with 2011, one that I had supposedly deemed productive, 2012 was far more challenging, I'd have to say. While SPM may have been an undeniable prerequisite towards this, I cannot rule out the other occurrences and events in the year when it comes to giving an account of such an adverse year.

I've seen more than ever, the likes of the different people in my life, the challenges imposed by my peers as I strive to achieve a better standing in school and most importantly, the ugly truth behind life and the world itself. I've had my heart broken more than once, I've allowed pessimism to consume me thoroughly too many times that I am unable to recount and I've been suicidal so frequently, even at the zenith of my high school life. I have wronged my peers ever so often by refusing to give them the benefit of the doubt, I have allowed my emotions to overwhelm me and dictate my actions and I even gave others the liberty to determine my worth, which has proven detrimental in the aftermath of many ill events.

There has been so many tears shed, so many words said and many oaths made.

However, in spite of the darker happenings of the year, there has been great joy as well. I don't remember a time I have ever been so expressive in my life. The experiences I have encountered have made me more capable of expressing my views fearlessly (while retaining tact, of course) and I've learned to view matters not merely from my own perspective but from the perception of others as well. I also took a big step in my spiritual life as well by joining a cell group this year, and I can say that I've developed certain skills in prayer, in sharing, in worship and in fellowship as well. This has indirectly paved a path for me in finding comfort through speech and song.

I have become more confident in my writing and have begun to love what I do, which is undoubtedly the key to writing with excellence. I've learned to embrace literature as a whole, including poetry which I had once regarded undecipherable and incomprehensible prior to taking up English Lit. This experience has definitely granted me further eloquence and fluency in the language and has inspired me to continue pursuing literature in my pre-university programme as well.

Moreover, I've discovered the art of dealing with people although I have yet to apply such skills in my daily life.  I certainly look forward to doing so fervently in 2013 and I hope I will be able to improve my interpersonal communication skills as I continue striving to achieve excellence in my um, social life. Heh. And for this, I must give full credit to my mum for being ever so patient with a stubborn and persistent individual like me. Mum, your advice is inconceivably invaluable and I solemnly promise to do you proud by practicing whatever you have taught me. I will attempt to soften this thick skull of mine in order to tolerate stupidity and ignorance whenever and wherever necessary, despite having no convictions to do so.

Furthermore, I am also grateful for the existence of the individuals who have shaped my life, whom I call my friends. I honestly couldn't have asked for better companions in accompaniment to my school days, because I personally believe that I will never be able to find a bunch of individuals who display immense levels of intellect and who have high sustainability in retaining composure, oh and not to mention, extreme proportions of humour.

I don't know who else I can trust to belt out the occasional lame Chemistry joke anymore, because there's no one who can do that better than Sher Ling. Only God knows how I will manage without her genuine and hearty laughter in the days to come.

As for you, Ka Yan, I appreciate your ability to tolerate my emotional weaknesses and I thank you for being there for me when I need someone to confide in, when regarding school matters. I've never trusted anyone else when it comes to this, and I don't think I ever will. Our conversations have brought upon great enlightenment and I am a lot wiser because of you. For that, my comrade, you have my irrevocable gratitude.

To Natalie, I appreciate the times we've had and the times that have yet to come because I certainly believe that we will still remain friends, seeing that we've known each other since our primary school days. Thank you for being there for me in real life, on Facebook chat and on Whatsapp. I will, however, lament on the absence of your random pangs of laughter and the loss of a partner in crime.

To Kah Yan, as I have always been envious of petites, I will always admire your intelligence and sense of fashion. Also, I will remain at awe as to how you are able to achieve balance between every aspect of your life so impeccably and yet retain such composure. However, I do hope that your absent-mindedness will be remain in subtlety, sufficient in retaining your cuteness as a whole but not overwhelming to strip you off your senses. Our Kah Yan must always be Kah Yan :P

As for Nicole, I must say, that you are the kindergarten playmate I never had. Before anyone takes offense at this statement, let me clarify that I am not implying that Nicole is by any means at all, infantile. I say this merely because I admire your carefree demeanour and your innocuous (and sometimes, subliminally devilish) opinions. I can be prevailed upon to rely on your company to evoke a sense of childhood wonder and awe. You really put the word "fun" in it's context, Nicole and as mature as I am, I will always appreciate your girly Valentine's Day notes and your implementation of the title "BFF" on me. You have paid the price for those dreadful years in kindergarten. And I love you too, BFF :)

Other than my school friends, I must express my gratitude to my siblings in Christ as well.

To June Chong, I thank you so much for being such an amazing sister in Christ. Your prayers, your advice and the hours spent on the phone when you were my call buddy have not gone unnoticed. I don't think I have really garnered any trust in anyone in church until you came along and made me realise that not all human beings in general are absolutely nonchalant towards a cry for help. I aspire to be as spiritually gifted as you are, for you are one of the most devoted Christians I know and most faithful servants in God's kingdom. 

Only picture I have of June and I. And this is from camp. How sad.

From left : Natalie, me, Evan, June and Danielle

To the other leaders such as Danielle, Evan and uh, Jon Roberts, I thank you guys for not judging me in spite of the stupid things I say sometimes and for actually spending time getting to know me as well as dishing out good advice. I will always take heed of your advice, since you guys are the seniors after all and I appreciate your extending a hand of friendship.

There are just so many people I owe it to extend my gratitude towards that if I were to list every single one of them down here, I could go on for days on end. Therefore, to those whom I have not mentioned here, just know that I am grateful for your existence in my life and for your efforts in whichever department you have approached me in. Do enlighten me if I have forgotten, for I do not wish to miss anyone out, especially since I will most likely not meet with most of you next year.

Now, for my summary of my five headstrong years of secondary school. Fret not, I shall attempt to make this as brief as possible. The length of this post is starting to feel atrocious.

I'm not sure about the lot of you, but high school for me was a tough experience altogether. I did not enter my secondary school in the best of terms, since I was from a national school and could not speak Mandarin to save my life. I was also quite plump in appearance and naive mentally, so it probably wasn't a surprise that I got picked on verbally in Form 1. The following two years in lower secondary saw me improving, but only slightly, as I still got picked on by the opposite gender. Fortunately, however, I had been able to pick up the pace academically as I remember fondly of how I managed to attain first in the whole form for the mid year examinations in Form 3. And the rest is history (I then became a straight A student in PMR and naturally earned a place in the best class in upper secondary, in case you were unaware of that lol).

Then upper secondary ensued. Form 4 was pretty much the zenith of my secondary school life as I participated in the Young Enterprise programme which made up about 90% of my social life. You may decide for yourself if that is a daunting or fulfilling prospect, but I did gain plenty from the experience. I've never quite had the upper hand in anything I've done prior to YE, so when I managed to secure a place as the club's photographer and as a project manager, I would say that I felt rather victorious. Moreover, winning second place for Best Product Report during the YE Awards was the icing on the cake since I was partly responsible for most of the pages in the report booklet. There was also a series of social occurrences apart from the YE experience that occurred, but since the accounts of the event are far too long-winded to specify here, you may read it on my other blog HERE.

As for Form 5, which all occurred this year, I will not bother with the details here. You may read an account of my year in my previous blog posts, which I must first warn you, may contain rather personal and pivotal accounts of my thoughts and my life. I've screened most of my posts as of late to ensure that none of these post will prove inane to my future readers. However, due to the nature of SPM, I regret to inform you that most of the accounts of my daily undertakings will consist of rants, dating back to the days where I have had my all-time lows. So please by all means, feast at your own risk.

All in all, my experience in high school was not one of the most remarkable endeavours I have undertaken in life. However, it isn't to say that I would change any of the events that have occurred, if I were given an opportunity to do so. These occurrences, as dreadful as they may be, have helped shape who I am today. What didn't kill me, simply made me stronger. I once used to dread being different. I once used to hate who I was. I once thought I would never amount up to anything. I once had a terrible inferiority complex that soured all my conversations with my potential accomplices and nullified all my chances of finding faith and hope in mankind.

But now that I'm here in the present reminiscing the past five years as I craft this post, I wouldn't have had it any other way. The pain and the sadness that once seemed so tangible are but a tale of the past. These experiences are the stories that I will tell, to encourage those who will encounter the same situations I did. This account of my life will somehow benefit someone in the future. And this is why I must make the most out of the lessons I have learned in life - in order to become a better person as a whole, and to let someone know that no one is suffering alone. We all encounter a myriad of experiences in life, but they all evoke the same emotions - joy, sadness, anger and disappointment.

But someday, when there is a soul out there who decides that he or she lives as an unperturbed entity, oblivious to the rest of the world - these stories will suffice in aiding them, in ensuring them that they'll pull through. It will serve as proof that in spite of all the adversities in life, there is hope. God above does see. It is not by my own strength that I was able to pull through, but by the grace of God. And God often shows himself in the kindness of man.

Honestly, I have God to thank for everything. All of this was part of God's master plan in my life. It took me a while to see the way He worked, but I'm glad things happened as they had because God's glory was and will continue to be apparent in my life. And I will never stop glorifying Him for all that I have and all that I've come to learn :)

So there, my verdict on 2012. It's been a lengthy one, I won't deny. In fact, this may probably be the longest post I have ever written in my blog history. If you have made it until the last sentence, bravo. I salute you.

Let us all bid farewell to 2012 and usher in 2013 with greater expectations!

The Ends

There's approximately a day left before New Year's eve and about two more before we officially adjourn into 2013. I'm not sure what or how I'm feeling currently since it hasn't really dawned upon me in tremendous proportions, but I can say that I'm quite ready to take it all in when it comes.

The past two days have been hectic and somewhat reflective. I took some time to converse with a few people I've never been fond of and rediscovered my love for writing fiction once more. I must say it is rather uncanny to be dwelling in the things I've told myself to avoid with hopes of moving on into what tomorrow brings, but I've somewhat decided to embrace what is in order to accept what is to come. I'm not sure if it is an effective method of obtaining closure, but I'm sure time will take it's toll and heal everything.

My conversations have been quite fruitful and I think I may have made whatever point I had intended to make and have learned of what I have been seeking to discover. I know what I speak of may not make any sense at all to any of you since I'm not putting it into clear context, but this is something I want to make personal in order to reflect upon in the future, simply to see if what I did was a foreshadow of my future or merely a misinterpretation of certain gestures. I sincerely hope it's the latter.

As of now, I'm currently conversing with an old friend of mine who moved to Singapore last year to further his secondary education there. While he did not receive the scholarship he applied for, his intelligence and perseverance earned him a place in the country's education system, where "kiasu" is synonymous with the general community and is known to be embedded in the heart and soul of every Singaporean student. Perhaps I am exaggerating these accounts due to ignorance and lack of knowledge, and therefore I do apologize, but anyone who has watched I Not Stupid and it's sequel I Not Stupid Too might face a similar view point as I. Anyway, I've gathered from our Facebook chat that he's been having a ball of a time all year and he is definitely grateful for the opportunity to have been placed in a school in spite of not receiving the financial support he had initially opted for. I'm definitely glad to hear that he's faring well.

On a different note, I didn't manage to do any writing today since I was at the mall all day completing my college wardrobe checklist. Despite spending so much time in the mall, I only managed to check 4 out of 10 items on my list. I honestly hope tomorrow will prove to be a more productive day, and possibly a more energetic one, since I've been quite susceptible to exhaustion due to my stomach discomfort.

Other than that, there really isn't much to say about today. I guess I'll have to see what tomorrow brings.

A merry Christmas

Of the Christmas tree @ home

All photos above were taken at the Christmas Harvest Event @ Damansara Perdana

Christmas gifts and the aftermath of the unwrapping.

I thought I'd summarize my Christmas with photos instead of words since I haven't done that in a long time. Furthermore, I've been quite busy in the past few days that I haven't had time to blog so the photos will suffice for now. If I have any further thoughts regarding the festive occasion, I will blog about it, but I don't expect that to happen so soon. I'm about to hit the mall with my friends to catch Les Miserables, which we have been anticipating for the longest time! It is finally out! I also have a Christmas dinner to attend to at a friend's place tonight, so I don't expect to find time to blog until tomorrow.

To conclude, my OOTD (outfit of the day) on Christmas Eve. I've jumped on the ootd bandwagon, so it seems. Heh.

Dress from H&M

Bangle from Inapickleble Designs

Earrings from Diva

Belt from Isetan

Not seen here : Grey ballet flats from Zalora.com

Blessed Christmas to all of you and have a great festive season ahead! :)

Curiosity did not kill the cat

No argumentative basis whatsoever. I just thought it sounded less mainstream. I've caught on to the hipsteria, most fortunately. Okay, moving on.

It has been said, that the eyes are the windows to the soul. While this is partly true, I am certainly not a partaker of this belief. I may observe the actions and reactions of man, but I do not affirm myself of one's personality by concentrating on the motion and expression emitted by their body language. Simply put, I see, and I observe, yet I do not scrutinize.

However, this does not necessarily indicate that I am not attentive towards the behavioural processes and mannerisms of others. I honestly do, and sometimes even more than I should, but my insight is not found in scrutiny of facial organs, but rather in words. In my opinion, the written, or in this era - the typed word speaks more than itself.

I was leafing through the pages of the school magazine just mere minutes ago and I came across an essay written by a friend, or should I say acquaintance, since we aren't very fond of one another. As it happened to be the only English essay written by a senior that was published in the magazine, I became curious of the contents of the essay, especially since the title was rather beguiling and intriguing as well. And so I found the first word of the initial paragraph and began reading.

And I was shocked. I was startled. Amazed. Impressed. Infuriated. Surprised. Well, there's nothing more I can say to summarize my instant reaction to the essay but I was indeed, shocked. Never in my life would I have imagined this acquaintance of mine a literary genius. I won't specify precisely what the short was about, only that it contained elements of psychology, a concealed expression of teen angst and a sheer disposition of romance. And for a mere Malaysian adolescent of seventeen years to concoct such a brew that can stir the emotions of man, well, another adolescent like me makes such individual, a marvel.

While the elements of the tale he crafted were devastatingly provocative to the avid fan of literature, what had me taken aback was the author of the work. The mastermind behind the persona, the character. The genius behind the impersonation. The imposter himself - my mere school-aged acquaintance. I am indeed curious. What exactly was it that rendered him enlightened and in contact with his literary muse? What were the exact thoughts embedded in his cerebral cortex at the time of birth of the notions he expressed in his work? What is it that had physically, emotionally and spiritually driven him to have produced a piece worthy of recognition and acquisition by all who believe that there is hope in mankind in the literary world where all seems lost in the pandemonium of erotic novels and vampire fiction?

And this is why I cannot comprehend. I cannot fathom how someone I have known or perhaps, merely taken notice of could possibly possess such a great literary capacity in spite of the other responsibilities and absurdities in life all youth have had to endure in vain. Perhaps this boy, or should I say man literary-wise, has been intellectually adept to have exploited this very attribute and converted it into a catalyst for the progress of his work. I am earnestly lost and abashed by his humility, which I had once presumed as insecurity.

Needless to say, this has made me solemnly vow to myself that I shall never assume for the rest of my life. I am all for changing my perception regarding all individuals that exist in my life for the fear that I may someday traverse and find a similar soul - a genius in disguise and may wrong him or her superfluously.

On a lighter note, today's Christmas party was enjoyable. I had a great time conversing with all my friends and I reckon their parents had a splendid time as well since they actually stayed longer to chat than I had initially expected. Overall, today was a good day in spite of yesterday's misfortunes and I am definitely looking forward to Christmas now. Also, this fear that my friends and I will somewhat drift apart and fail to remain in the know of one another is beginning to fade away as well. After today's brief (okay, not really) gathering, I'm convinced that all of us, despite having different undertakings in life, will always remain friends forever (as cliche as it sounds).

Today, I am glad. That is all.

Dungeons

While the apocalypse did not occur yesterday, I am definitely feeling the supposed aftermath of doomsday. I honestly cannot imagine how things could have possibly gone from good to worse in the course of 24 hours.

I don't plan to dwell on the incidences that occur on this day once it is over, but I figured I had to write about it, to remind myself that behind every cloud is a silver lining. While I'm still searching for it, I'm learning to counter the negativity emitted by the misfortunes that have befallen today. So I guess this will be a short account of my day.

Firstly, my mother's purse was stolen while we were shopping for Christmas gifts in Mid Valley. She suspects that the theft occurred in Bonita when she and my sister were browsing through the handbags on sale. A likely locus for pick pocketing, I must say. Anyhow, my mum somehow got carried away in the midst of the frenzy and got distracted to the point that she did not realise that someone had gotten a hold of her purse. And now thanks to this moron, the entire Christmas atmosphere of the household has diminished slightly. My mum's alright now despite having to put up with the rigmarole of going to the police station, cancelling all her bank accounts and creating a new identification card, and the rest of us are trying to put this behind us so we can have a good Christmas. But all in all, this was the incident of the day, and unfortunately it wasn't a pleasant one.

Next, there's no cellophane tape at home. I know this is a really stupid thing to be unhappy about but after the theft, we were technically disallowed from going out for the rest of the day so I couldn't get extra tape just in case our current one was used up and all the Christmas gifts are to be given out during tomorrow's party after service. And our current cellophane tape mysteriously vanished without a trace. JUST LIKE THAT. In the end, I had to use glue tape, which I might add is one of the most expensive gift wrapping tools in the market on the final few presents I had yet to wrap. I guess I'm not too upset about it now that all the gift wrapping has been done, but earnestly, this was something that got me hot and bothered today.

Finally, the verdict. What verdict, you ask? Well, recently a schoolmate of mine told me that he has been contemplating between A-Levels and ADP for quite some time and came to me for some advice since I had already enrolled in the ADP programme. He expressed his concern regarding both programmes and indicated a huge possibility of doing ADP since he wasn't very keen on an exam-oriented pre-university programme. Over Facebook, the both of us happily discussed about ADP and I explained to him a couple of things to aid his confusion over choosing a major and the conversation ended with a glimmer of hope. A hope that someone will have my back in college, even if it was just ONE friend.

And just mere minutes ago, all my hopes were crushed. He messaged me on Facebook to tell me that he has decided on taking A-Levels according to his parents' wishes. We wished each other all the best, expressed our hopes of keeping in touch with one another and ended the conversation rather briefly.

I won't say I did not see that coming, because a part of me expected that to occur, but somehow, the hope that sparked during our prior conversation evolved into something larger and overwhelmed my sense of rationale, ignoring all rules of probability. Therefore, this disappointment is really a result of my own folly and there is absolutely no one else to be blamed for it.

On a lighter note, I'll be meeting up with my friends tomorrow at the Christmas Harvest party. I'm pretty psyched about it since this is actually the first time I'm inviting my high school friends for a Christmas party. We've been having the harvest event since the birth of the cell group and while most of my primary school friends have been to this annual gathering at least once in their lives, none of my high school friends have actually attended one. While high school is a thing of the past now, I still find it necessary that we share our final moments together before we officially move on with our own lives in our respective colleges and courses.

I just hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Radioactive

Imagine Dragons is totally underrated.

It's the night before the supposed apocalypse, or in layman terms - the end of the world, and here I am casually scrolling down my Twitter feed in search of amusement while listening to some legit Imagine Dragons tracks that I discovered by accident while searching for a link to download Radioactive. I must say, it is certainly a delightful and most productive discovery because I now have more tracks to add to my indie playlist.

Honestly, I never thought I'd dig indie until I actually heard an indie track myself. Okay, now I'm just being Captain Obvious, but that's besides the point. Anyone can come to a conclusion that what they haven't heard is bullshit without taking a chance on it. However, if one listens to indie music and can be prevailed upon to do justice to music by being exceptionally perceptive and open-minded to all genres, one may actually attain a certain liking to it. I don't know about anyone else, but indie somewhat evokes this sort of psychedelia and I instantly start observing things in a more aesthetic and liberal point of view. In conclusion, indie music is life-changing paraphernalia.

Anyway, in case it really is the end of the world tomorrow, I just want to say I love you.

No, truth is, I don't actually want to say that, but it's apparently the most appropriate and relative phrase that applies to everyone in a myriad of methods. I still haven't met my future husband yet because well, I haven't arrived at the future yet and if the world ends tomorrow, I technically don't have one or maybe I have met him but I just haven't figured so I can't say I love him.

And then there's my family, the best and only worthy asset I have in my life, so I'd send my love to them too. I won't say much about my friends though since I'm about to shift into a new phase in my life where I meet new people and forget about my absolutely redundant peers in high school, except for the very few true ones that I have who I've actually stuck with and they I. I love you all and I earnestly hope the apocalypse doesn't occur tomorrow because we're about to have fun at a Christmas party this Sunday and I wouldn't miss it for the end of the world. Seriously.

There's also my cat, Percy. She's not really my cat, but she comes to our back door too often that I just decided one day that I actually own her. Meow.

As a Christian I personally don't believe in predicting the end of the world, but when you expect something that you eventually decide not to expect, you end up expecting it to happen. Yes, it's a paradox placed in an unclear context, I do acknowledge that, thank you very much but literally it means, it just might happen. This end of the world thing has been going on for centuries now and I'm beginning to wonder if there really is a living soul out there who is that stupid to buy such a tale even after prior deception. But if such people exist, the rest of us may very well be the unsuspecting bunch, and the end of the world just might occur tomorrow. After all, it is inevitable that every single day holds a possibility of evicting our doom and it just so happened that people somewhat put their faith in the Mayans.

Oh well, I've had enough of my say. I'll probably look at this post someday and wonder, "What in the world???"

I should probably start praying now. Alright, good night.

Of stalking

Frankly, it isn't uncommon anymore for someone to somewhat casually be scrolling through their Facebook news feed only to find something interesting posted by someone else so much that it then leads to a thorough analysis of their interests and personality via their Facebook profile, and even more so their friends' profiles especially if one is bored.

I am absolutely guilty beyond reasonable doubt when it comes to this and so is everyone else, only if we care to admit of our weakness and iniquity.

Honestly, it doesn't bother me whether I come clean or not when it comes to such matters. It has come to a point where it is just such a common act of man that I've come to dismiss my own acknowledgement of my actions, either out of sheer embarrassment or nonchalance. I can't decide which, as of now, but what matters is that is simply does not.

Stalking. A term often prevailed upon to define the indecencies of prying into the lives of others via social networks, on cyberspace. And no, I refuse to adequately call it cyber stalking, because it sounds rather detrimental altogether and because I do not actually "stalk" out of indecent curiosity. I merely observe, and perhaps, a tad more so. I sound rather unabashed stating this, don't I?

So what is there to observe really in this infinitely possible cyberspace? Well, plenty, I must say. Firstly, there's family. Then, there's friends. And then there's interesting friends of friends. Notice my implementation of the word 'interesting'? Well, that's because not everyone succeeds at making an impression. I do pay attention to the details, I must say. The tiny specks of information that often go unnoticed by others. The seeming possibilities of certain occurrences in reality as they pertain to the emotional status updates and subliminal messages in particular posts. It isn't that difficult to intercept the emotions, to deduce the reactions and determine the conclusions derived from every post. Sherlock's Science of Deduction doesn't entirely scream fiction after all.

Moreover, when it comes to the person of interest, one of the opposite gender, stalking evolves and enters into new territories. The person of interest no longer remains the only subject of interest - his friends, his family members, the genre of music he listens to on Soundcloud, his latest musings on new video games.. Everything just seems so fascinating all of a sudden. Furthermore, unlimited time may also result in the search and analysis of any potential competitors in this fight for affection. For the devoted female, it is a time of indirect assault. A moment to pierce hearts with choice profanities. The survival of the fittest, with absolutely brutal and detrimental provisions. A myriad of cards come into play - the win-his-family-over, the crowd pleaser and the future-spouse. Such progress baffles the minds of man, especially with most of it occurring in one's mind and soul, but not in the utterly unaffected and dry realm of reality.

But what does one gain from participating in such endeavours? Shall we say one to none?

Sorry, I was just utterly bored and I had to write something since I've told myself time and time again that I want to become a writer. It's a good start. A beginning, pioneered by bullshit.

I believe I've just frightened my readers to their absolute wits. Well, I do apologise. Well, not really.

Barely passed.

I'm referring to the computerized driving theory exam, by the way. The passing mark is 42, and I only managed to pass with a 43.

Oh well, such is life. I'm just grateful I managed to pass, because retaking the test would cost me more time and money.

I can't wait to start my driving lessons so that I shall soon have the liberty to stay or leave as I please.

And yes, I've been rather afflicted lately. I'm still contemplating if this is worthy enough to reminisce in future, so I refuse to talk about it right now.

But yeah, I passed my theory driving test today. YAY

Prom 2012

Prom has often been dubbed the "night to remember" for as long as I can recall. We watch it on American high school dramas, we hear about them from our seniors who have lived through this supposedly breathtaking and amazing experience and we yearn deep in our souls to be a part of this event someday, hoping that all our expectations are proven right and that we find closure at the end of our schooling years.

My prom was held two days ago, on a Thursday night. I was quite stoked about the event since prom was something I was pretty fond of as a child. As I faithfully watched A Cinderella Story for the umpteenth time, I would take note of the amazing dress the supposed 'Cinderella Girl' would don, the majestic setting the ballroom would behold and the interesting choice of hors d'oeuvre or amuse bouche in the least, alongside a fine choice of mocktails which usually include the same concoction of fruit punch. But all those things were besides the point. The underlying concept in A Cinderella Story was the story itself where this humble servant girl rises to new heights and finds her 'Prince Charming' with the assistance of a fairy godmother, usually in the form of a close friend in the modern day adaptations of the classic fairy tale.

Well then, did my school prom committee super cede these somewhat petty yet real expectations and threw us a night to remember?

It's actually pretty simple to answer that.. NO.

I honestly couldn't have asked for a "better" prom. One of the emcees was competing against himself to see how many profanities he could insert into every sentence, there was dry-ice smoke permeating the entire ballroom and eventually outside the ballroom, the choice of music was all mainstream and absolutely redundant, my grandmother can do a much better job at cooking beef thank you very much, the desserts were the size of an amuse bouche (never a good thing), the photo booth was simply a rip off from the one we had at our school graduation, there were couples making out at every corner during the 'clubbing' and 'slow dance' session, the whole ballroom was just too dark and smoky to dance in and the strobe lighting was one that pioneered a pounding headache. Heh.

Honestly though, it was such a horrible mess, a popularity contest and it just didn't kick ass.

The only saving graces of the event were the performances and the little music video at the end featuring all our Kodak moments in high school. While most of the physical and social expectations were completely unmet, I did get an experience I never thought I'd live through in a million years, since I'm pretty much a wallflower in school. Or maybe just plain ignored. Heh.

Anyhow, since I went with a friend who was my date for the day, he actually got me a corsage for prom. It may be a common notion in the U.S. or any other Western proms, but I appeared to be the only one who was wearing a corsage that night. So yeah, that pretty much made me feel special :) As of now, the corsage is resting in an empty half of my Clarins cleanser tube filled with water and paracetamol. I earnestly don't think I've ever seen something so beautiful to want it to last forever, but this corsage was something that meant so much to me that I just had to make sure it retained it's beauty for at least a couple more days.

Next, another event I see myself reminiscing in future is my first ever slow dance. I never thought I'd get asked at all. Well, maybe I did think about it but I always dismissed the thought of ever being asked for the exact same reasons why I never thought I deserved a corsage for prom. But I did. My date was smart enough and well, such a gentleman to even bring up the notion of dancing. While both of us were totally hopeless at dancing, I sort of enjoyed it since it was my first, and firsts just bring so much more meaning to the occasion regardless the consequences.

Finally, the entirety of the occasion was saved by this major factor - COMPANY. The fact that I had great company at my table and an amazing date proved to be a blessing through the night. When I had a fever during prom, my friends Syuen Lee and Jia Yi had to sashay down the hotel in their evening dresses into the mall just to find me some Panadol to cure my headache. I really appreciate the gesture and as a result of their kindness I managed to enjoy the night before the second fever broke out after prom. Moreover, my other friends Kah Yan, Chien Yi, Nicole and Men Yee were also such amazing sports for being willing enough to go for prom and fill the table I was in since most of our peers weren't interested in attending prom at all. I appreciate all of you so dearly and I hope in time to come, our paths will cross once more. Also, I am extremely grateful for my date for being such an amazing sport and doing all the things society expected of him and making me a happy girl that night. Honestly, I felt really special and a little part of me was wishing some of those little sweet moments would not come to an end.

With that said, I can conclude that prom was a rather mediocre experience at best. I'm not sure if I want to experience it again since I spent about RM500 on my clothes, make-up and hair, jewellery and the ticket itself. Perhaps my college prom may provide a different exposure altogether but all in all, I'm a tad traumatized over the insecurity I felt when I tried to dance in heels and balance myself on the escalator and I'm pretty convinced I'm a little claustrophobic since I felt dizzy in that dark, misty ballroom.

But the fact remains - I experienced prom. And that is all that matters.

Change of plans

I solemnly vow to post an account of my life on this blog not for the purpose of pleasing others but as a record of my daily undertakings which may prove useful in the event where I have lost my memory, have vague reminiscing abilities or need a hint of encouragement in the future.

This blog shall not be a platform of self-promotion or an effort to achieve a state of recognition and popularity, but a platform of self-expression regardless whether the topics and stories implied here are based on opinion or life lessons. I also vow never to hold back in addressing the issues I find myself convicted to. Discretion shall only be practiced if the matter is absolutely sensitive or it is too personal to be shared, but any form of mild distaste or disagreement shall not fail to publicly display itself here.

There, I've done it. I shall have no more further regrets about whatever I will post here. I've set my own rules, and it's about time I started obeying them. And if I don't remember them.. I can always check my archives.

This blog is an account of my life. I won't post every day, but I will write of the major events that should summarize my undertakings as a whole. While it is already December, I believe it is a great start to a brand new year, whereby I will begin college.

So here's to a new beginning. Cheers.

Beauty, power?

I've never been that girl.

That girl guys would swarm over just to get a single "Hello". That girl who's petite in stature and has noticeable female assets valued by men and even women from all walks of life. That girl who laughs so loud, but still manages to retain grace. That girl who gets into a relationship every 3 months just because one of her suitors has proven himself worthy and she's ready to risk her all regardless what the outcome may be. That girl who eats and eats and eats (and eats), and yet never grows horizontally. That girl who speaks with utter confidence despite possessing a terrible command of English, and yet she is envied and loved by all.

I need not go on and on, not only because there are simply too many things to state in one post but because I am simply not that girl. To summarize, I am simply not the girl any member of the opposite sex would call beautiful.

So if that really is a recurring notion, why are there so many thoughts in my head attempting to justify just why that is?

It's because a friend of mine actually called me "pretty". Well, he didn't actually mention that literally and verbally, but he mentioned me on Twitter with the hashtag 'MentionSomeonePretty'.

Thing is, I've never had one of those mentions. I mean, it wasn't that big of a deal, really when I initially thought about it. But as I stared at the Twitter mention I received from my phone, it just dawned upon me that I've never, in my entire life, been labelled (or hashtagged) beautiful by the opposite sex. I mean sure, people would say reassuring things like "Oh you like fine, don't worry," or "You're pretty too" when I continuously lament on my sister's infinite beauty (because she is just that pretty and I love her) but I've never had a moment where a guy would just tell me, "You're pretty" or "You're beautiful" in an honest context, no pretenses involved.

But this friend of mine actually did. And then I realised how fortunate I am not only to have him as a friend, but to receive such a compliment, nullifying the fact that all guys are of the same stereotype. If so, this guy is alien - he is NOT part of this shallow and feeble cult of man.

Even my own father has never offered me such a direct compliment. He'd only mention it when I compared myself to my sister, but never alone. I'm honestly not trying to complain and curse the world for being so nonchalant and insolent, but the fact of the matter is, I've grown so accustomed to the standards of beauty in this world and becoming judged relatively through comparison with other girls that it no longer made sense if anyone saw me in such a perspective or if I even thought I was beautiful. That being said, my level of confidence isn't at an all time low, but it isn't sky high either. I was more of a neutral kind of person, not extremely inclined towards any portion of the debate.

I've always thought of myself to be of average when it came down to physical appearance, which is why I emphasize so highly on my intellect and my talent. Since I couldn't achieve the standards of beauty as perceived by man in general, all I could do was compensate for with my intellect and ability. I don't deny it, I can be quite good at what I do as long as I'm focused on what I do, and sometimes even when I'm not. I've always been one of the 'smart' ones since childhood as well as 'talented' when it came to visual arts and creative writing. That was how it was and how it has always been for me.

I'm really not trying to impose anything on the opposite sex through this post. I'm just expressing something that has been hidden within me for such a long time that I wasn't even sure if it still remained if I searched deep into my own heart. But it still remains. I'm not hurt or affected whatsoever, perhaps just a tad bit wistful. I used to think beauty correlated with power and that power makes the world for round, but I now know that physical beauty doesn't last forever. It is merely skin deep, so I choose not to ponder upon such a superficial notion. Beauty and power has been and always will be a temporary and short-lived matter. Furthermore, beauty is not of the essence to the intelligent. I've come to learn that the matter of beauty is subject to the underlying perception of self and it is pioneered by the reality we ourselves create, irregardless of the expectations this world imposes on us.

But to receive such a compliment from one of the best people I've encountered in the course of my life, is truly a gift on it's own. So thank you, mate :)

It is finished

SPM IS FINALLY OVER.

More to come.

Standing in the dark

Please, by all means, ignore my increasingly pessimistic post titles as of late. This is just another all-time low, I assure you.

So I paid a visit to the Taylor's Lakeside Campus today to find out more about the American Degree Transfer Programme and I must say it has been quite an enlightening session. I am now quite informed about the decision I am due to make as I received quite a perspicuous briefing about the course and what to expect as I undertake it. Also, I still have about a week more to think this entire endeavor through as my enrollment deadline has now been extended until next Friday.

Frankly, it has been a very emotional ordeal trying to decide and discuss things over with my parents before making this decision that could very well determine the course of my life. I can't help but to shed tears as I stumble upon the realisation that this very well means that my life as a Malaysian high school student has so to say, ended. There are of course still 6 papers left for SPM, but the fact still remains that I will be moving on eventually and I won't be returning to the environment I have become accustomed to and have come to love over time. I know I may have mentioned how despicable my school is at times and how inconsiderate some of the students can be, but now that I've grown so fond of it I can't seem to grasp the truth that it is finally time to leave this phase of life and enter into a new season of education.

Time really does fly. I know this sentence really does lack creativity and it's so stereotypical and mainstream among feeble minded and unsophisticated individuals but I've come to realise that there is truth in the saying. It is inevitable. I remember so fondly of my younger days when I was back in primary school where I longed so much to grow up and become a figure of vast significance in this world. I estimated my entrance into society was to occur at about this age and was quite excited for the event. However, in real time, I feel as if I want to take a step back - and perhaps a few more at which I will probably end up in a frenzy as I attempt to escape the absurdities of life.

It's absolutely ridiculous how my next paper is in a week's time and here I am wasting away every second trying to conjure choice vocabulary to express the atrocities of my own life without bothering to entertain my numerous unfinished SPM trial papers as a form of revision. Furthermore, I've been online for about 6 hours now and within that time frame I've managed to destroy every ounce of time I have had left earlier by reading articles about Sherlock Holmes, reblogging Sherlock posts on Tumblr and repinning food I'll probably never learn to cook on Pinterest. Other than that, all the time I had today was spent on watching Top Chef and Anthony Bourdain on TV and on a tiny portion of Add Math. What a sad, minute consolation. I deserved to be whipped for this. Gah.

Anyway, I barely studied today and I do realise that time does indeed "fly" ever so quickly. It should not be spent writing about useless descriptions over the daunting prospects of having to choose a course in college which will not benefit anyone and may even produce harm towards oneself via the offering of such pessimistic connotations so therefore I shall exit in a timely manner.

Goodbye.

Lost and insecure

You know what? Forget it. Screw what I said about my SPM hiatus.

There's a lot going through my mind at the moment. I'm not even sure if I'll be ranting eloquently but I really don't have the time to worry about that. I'm finally seeing the reality of this entire situation and it's so frightening altogether. The notion of moving on, the reality that my life as a student in school is about to end has rendered me in total affliction.

And why so sudden, you ask? Well, I recently received a scholarship from Taylor's University College offering me a scholarship for the American Degree Transfer Programme which I have been set on since last year and I actually have make my decision by tomorrow as the offer for the scholarship expires on Tuesday. Since my mum won't be available after tomorrow due to work, I have about a day to decide whether to accept this scholarship or to decline and be left in a conundrum once more. Yes, a conundrum, because there happens to be infinite paths I can take due to my supposed "intellect" and my "eloquence". So there is no prevalent answer. Well, at least so it seems.

Prior to the scholarship offer, I have never really given much thought to college. I've always known what I liked and I certainly can see myself in a decent profession, but I never thought I'd have to decide so soon, until last Tuesday when I received the e-mail. I must say I wasn't too surprised over the offer since my friend had received an offer similar to mine, except regarding a different course but I do admit that it did not hit me until today that this will be a decision which will take place as a prerequisite to my future. The fact that this nitty gritty common post graduation formality actually WILL determine my future is indeed a frightening prospect. Yes, it is THAT frightening to the extent that I have lost my way with the words I am typing at this very moment.

I don't usually write like this as you may have observed, non-existent readers - I USUALLY don't.

So yes, I am at a crossroad right now. I've had my mind set on doing psychology at HELP for quite some time but the fact that I've been offered something more does conjure second thoughts in my mind. I'm really so unsure how to go about it especially since I only have a day to make a decision most people would take months to finally agree on. Furthermore, this dilemma has been rather thought-provoking and seems to have aroused certain emotions sourced by some of my past encounters in life with the subject and some of my life's most devastating disappointments. I also presume that this is quite notably a John Clare moment, although my "shipwreck of life's esteems" isn't quite so.

Ah, there. It has returned. Why thank you, mind :)

Anyway, while having to choose an institution for high learning has left me overwhelmed, I think choosing a course is much more meticulous and spiritually taxing. I have had so many opinions from various parties regarding the matter at hand that I'm absolutely lost and unsure about what path I should take. Firstly, there are the teachers and my elders. They are the ones who have educated me and contributed to my learning that it only seems logical to take their opinions into consideration. Most of them agree that I should take up a professional course, one where I can utilize my intellectual prowess to the fullest and where my parents and they as well, can take pride in as proof that they have executed their responsibilities excellently. However, most of the career options they suggest are to do with pure sciences which I do not want anything to do with after high school since I've spent two years in school struggling to achieve an A for all three Sciences - Biology, Chemistry and Physics.

And then there are my parents. Personally, they don't really mind what profession or courses I am interested to pursue and they fully support me in all that I do, but their opinions nonetheless matter to me. It is because of this very criteria that I am grateful for but it is also for this very fact that I am completely and utterly lost. My parents don't exactly decide anything for me, I have to make my own decisions. In fact, it has been this way since I was a child. I've had no help from my parents when it comes to acquiring knowledge about certain things and I've always been one to rely on instinct in determining what's the right thing to do and the right path to take. And now as I'm faced with a decision that could mean life or death, I cannot rely completely on myself anymore. And I realise that I am still indeed a child and that this will possibly be the most difficult decision I will have to make in my life.

Moreover, my friends are all taking pretty similar paths in life. Most of them are opting for A-Levels which is indeed a wise choice for those who are still unsure with what they want to do in life or for those who are planning to take a professional course. It's accepted worldwide and almost completely based on examination. I seem to be the only one to be taking the American Degree Programme as I have not heard of anyone who take on this road just as I will be. I also have some friends who have chosen to do SAM for their Pre-U programme but other than the common courses such as A-Levels, SAM or CPU, ADP is technically unheard of in the midst of my peers. Therefore, you must understand that my frustration is of valid reasons!

But I still cannot believe that this has the propensity to render me in tears. However, you must agree that it is a very terrifying and emotional dilemma, no?

Come to think of it, I was probably one of those death defying and affirmative individuals in my group of peers that decided to take a stand and undertake the road less travelled. I had so much belief in myself previously but now all I can think about is regarding how I am ever going to survive college without retreating back into wallflower mode and succumbing to my comfort zone.

Because I seriously am disillusioned and faltering in my stand.

Forget what I said about wanting to leave high school because I earnestly don't feel like facing this new phase in life. Peter Pan. Neverland. Mmm.

Sigh no more

There is absolute reason to sigh no more - graduation. I'm finally receiving closure and bound to leave high school permanently, although I must say that I have not rid myself of that demon of an examination - SPM yet, but I believe I will overcome this and exit victoriously.

Contrary to the emotions most people are encountering presently, I'm actually quite glad to leave this phase of my life and begin anew. It's almost as if high school was no more than an obstacle I had to overcome in my quest to discover my identity, my purpose and my calling. And I think I've found it.

It's right here, in between the lines, in every alphabet, in the vocabulary - WRITING.

I honestly don't know what will occur in the future. I'm not even sure if my expectations of a better environment, better peers in the form of course mates and better experiences will be met, but I'm ready to take on what lies ahead. I'm pretty set on the notion of not succumbing to the graces of being a wallflower and becoming a more sociable being when I enter college and I will attempt to make the most of my life as a youth, and consecutively a young adult.

However, there are things I will definitely miss upon my departure. I will miss my friends. And by friends, I mean people who have stuck with me in spite of my fallibility, my flaws and my fickle nature. The people who have laughed at the jokes I crafted despite my lacking genuine sense of humour. The people who have inspired and touched my life, as well as educate me both academically and philosophically. These are memories that will never cease until the end of time.

High school has honestly been a struggle for me. From the day I first set foot into this education institution, I've had to deal with so much, particularly discrimination due to my incompetence in conversing in Chinese (which is apparently a disgrace), my plump physique and my constant mood changes. While I am now able to speak Chinese coherently when I am making a purchase at a boutique, have lost weight over the years (and gained a number of kilogrammes this year) and possess the ability to withhold my emotions, I still encounter difficulty in discovering my sense of belonging and dealing with the conflicts of the past which have somewhat managed to build some strongholds within myself.

Although I am still in the midst of being healed of the pain and rejection I have once felt, I am now stronger and can withstand tougher challenges than I have before. By God's grace, I will be able to move on and be filled with too high a spirit to be encumbered with my old nonsense.

Anyhow, I will be going on full-fledged hiatus from tomorrow until my final SPM paper - English Literature. So until then, this blog is temporarily in a coma.

Alright, ta :)

Unfold

I ran out of ideas. There's no specific reason why I decided to go with 'unfold'.

Or perhaps there is. For instance, it is exactly 20 more days until I unfold what SPM has in store for me. I'll also be graduating from high school this Saturday, which is in 4 days so I guess there is reason behind my vague blog post title. There is really plenty to unfold in the coming weeks and life isn't slowing down at all. In fact, it's actually picking up the pace albeit too quickly and I don't know if I have the capacity to catch up with it.

Anyhow, I haven't been studying much. I actually expected myself to be a lot more stringent in routine and far much anxious about SPM that I have been in the past few months. Trials proved to be a terrifying ordeal and now the real Godzilla is approaching, and yet I've been slacking lately. And as I have mentioned before, it is exactly 20 more days until the first paper I'll be sitting for, which is BM and I've been doing a pretty good job of screwing up my 'tatabahasa' section lately. I'm just hoping the actual paper won't be as difficult, but as it is a major exam, it'd be quite hard to say, which means I'll just have to put in all my effort and hope things won't turn out too bad.

I was quite disappointed with my trial results earlier, but now I'm starting to rethink my reaction towards my achievement. I did get a string of As, although it consisted of only 1 A+ and 2A-s but my class position paid the price for my nonchalance as many of my classmates who had put in so much effort (in looking for tips, I dare say) managed to displace me as they had obtained more A+s than I did. After moaning in abject agony and misery for a few weeks, I decided to reevaluate my achievements and my efforts to see where I had gone amiss.

And that was when I realised, I hadn't really put in that much effort for my trials. Moreover, I believe God might have had something to do with this. Only now did it occur to me that if I had studied the way I did without God's grace, I would not have acquired those results. An individual like me who gloats in misery about how terrible and incomplete my life is totally doesn't deserve such results! It was then that I begun to realise that I was only able to do so much because God was there for me.

So now I feel less terrible about my results and ever more grateful to God, but am still lacking in enthusiasm. I guess I'll have to keep praying and hopefully by God's grace, I'll make it through :)

Other than SPM, there has been other thoughts that have been permeating my mind lately. I won't be specific, but let's just say I've acquired a physical attraction towards this guy I'm acquainted with but not close to. It's actually quite odd if I might say so myself since I'd been oblivious to him for quite some time and it was only that other day when I was on duty with him that I realised he was actually quite charming in physique.

Prior to this incident, I never believed in love at first sight, but now.. I'm not so sure. Perhaps it is lust or the mind's sinister undercurrents towards physical attraction, but whatever it is, I am absolutely not going to pursue it. I did a very stupid thing of adding him on Facebook and making a big fuss about what to comment on his wall post but I'm just going to ignore myself and get on with it.

I DO HAVE SPM AFTER ALL!

I'm also quite excited to be leaving this wretched institute of education and adjourn into a new phase in life - college! I already have plans of my own, but it's really up to God whether or not I am able to carry them out. I'm completely relying on God's grace now to make it through (well, attempting to at least) and I just hope God will bring upon some revelation in my life.

I have Chemistry tuition in a bit, so I'll have to end it here. The amount of hits on my blog has increased a little over the week ever since I installed that Feedjit widget on the sidebar, although there has been no record of the people who have landed on my blog so far. I'm just hoping there's no one  familiar here because it would be embarrassing if anyone found out about my "romantic" undertakings and started a wildfire.

Alright, off I go.

I need fixing

I desperately am in need of a little fixing. Perhaps a little more than little. Okay, I do need to be fixed urgently and in tremendous proportions.

Hello. It feels odd to be back on this blog again, ranting away about how I feel. I'm not too sure about what I feel now actually. My John Clare moment has somewhat subsided, but I haven't quite achieve euphoria either. So I guess I can say I'm currently indifferent. Indifferent, by the way - not ignorant.

Well, I guess I should begin by commenting on how disappointed I was at my English trial results. Now that I'm pondering upon this, I believe I still am disappointed except that I'm not resorting to a string of common profanities to ease my disappointment and bark at people whom I previously thought could do no more than utter one word to arouse laughter over their ridiculous application of vocabulary in speech. I must seem arrogant stating such things, don't I?

Perhaps it was overconfidence on my part. Or should I be blaming the education system (as if I haven't played that card before)? Perhaps I should find fault with The Star Newspaper instead. I did, after all refer to their tips of writing a good summary and attempting English comprehension.

I know there's no point in trying to discover the myriad of possibilities that could have led to my failure since the trials are over and they have been for a very long time, for that matter. But this matter somewhat remains an indignant denizen of my mind.

My essays weren't up to par. My comprehension was utter crap. A classmate of mine who wrote one word for her comprehension received marks for her answer while I, who took extra time and attention to write a grammatically adept sentence, failed to receive a point. I honestly don't know if it is I, who lack competence or is it the government as usual, to be put at fault. However, I don't see a reason for playing that card because the standard of English in Malaysia is very low and having failed to do well for such a redundant and absolutely bogus paper makes me feel like an idiot myself.

Well, complaining doesn't fix any of it. But I digress.

On a different note, I think I'm getting more fit now that I'm dancing regularly. My classmates decided on dancing to Korean pop for our class graduation performance and I must say, I have acquired respect for K-pop artists who dance in their music videos. It is definitely not an easy thing to attempt let alone execute with utter perfection. I have only attended two practices so far which last for about 2 to 3 hours every day and I already find difficulty to walk downstairs. My legs somewhat wobble when I attempt to walk and I feel even older than my grandmother. I think I might also say that I now know the extent of the pain she undergoes on her legs when she walks. And I'm actually so tired that I've decided not to argue with anyone who wants to refute my statement.

Anyhow, I'll be attending school tomorrow to do more dancing in spite of my lower body aches so I do hope I don't overdo it and hurt myself even more. Furthermore, I'll be walking to Centrepoint tomorrow to audition for my prom performance. I'll be singing while accompanied by the piano, which will be played by my friend, Kah Yan. I'm quite anxious because my voice is somewhat failing to reach high notes at such an urgent moment and there's going to be a lot of competition due to the immense number of people who are singing for their audition tomorrow. I can only hope for the best and pray that things will turn out fine. I just hope I won't embarrass myself by screwing up my pitching at the last minute. Okay, let's not take a turn onto that direction, shall we?

So yes. That is my week for you. I have quite a number of photos I would like to upload but since it is such a time consuming process I can only wait until most of my activities are over to do so.

Have patience, non-existent readers. And myself, as well. Tata.