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When I came to accept the weakness and the inadequacy that lived within me as a result of sin that could not be redeemed and reconciled to wholeness by other equally imperfect human beings, I realized then that there had to be more to being myself than just me; more to being ourselves than just us.

And there is (was and always will be), a God that rules and moves beyond anything that I can ever understand, and yet who chose to love me in the craziest way possible when there was nothing in me worthy of such a great sacrifice. A God who is, to all He designed for His glory and His great love.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. 

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." 

- Ephesians 3:14-21

Jeremiah 29:11

I know you probably feel the same, looking at this verse all, over, again. Yeah, I get it. God has a plan for me, and it's always good, and it offers me a hope and a future. And well, those plans can sometimes be tough, but they are always good. Blah blah blah. So there.

With all that's been going on in my head lately, everything just feels really difficult. I don't know how I'd get through this, and my mind just paces from one thought to another, thoughtlessly. There are no youth services on Sunday for the time being, and so I have to read the Word more on my own for refreshing from the Lord. And sometimes I don't feel refreshed, I feel daunted. And then I stop reading, and mope in my own miseries.

Today, I thought about my relationship with my family. I wonder why I was made so incompatible with the family God put me in. Like everything now just seems to be my fault, cuz I had big dreams and everyone else had to make a sacrifice just so I could fulfill them. My mum's okay, and I know God is taking care of her very well, but my dad can react pretty atrociously at times. I won't go into detail about his behavior, because they aren't significant - well, not as important to me as what I believe he thinks of me and what I'm doing.

I can only say that he hasn't quite grasped this whole Christianity thing yet - he expects me to utilize the gift of my intelligence to rake in money once I graduate, buy him a Porsche and let him live an affluent life. I, on the other hand, have other ideas. I have a desire to serve the community, which involves not beginning working at 21. Return to Malaysia and serve the local church, before I go into a full-time job and build a career. I want to be able to give back to my parents, but I'm just not convinced that becoming a billionaire is the only path that can accommodate my desire to honor and love my parents via gifts.

Why the both of us have our flaws and our faults in the family, I find it really hard to love my dad because he doesn't seem to understand that pursuing Christ comes above all else, including a good job equalling money and that money equalling a life of affluence. I'd love more than anything else to give my parents that and more, but I want him to realize that these are not the things life should be founded upon. It's tough, and I'll just be brutally honest - sometimes I just want to shout at him and tell him to shut up about money, because as much as we need it to survive, I'm tired of being pressured to earn big and pay everyone back. It also doesn't help that it contradicts God's promise that he would keep us and provide for us.

I then ask God why.

Why put me in a family like this, and give me a dad that is so difficult to deal with? I know people in church don't have perfect families, but at least they have a dad who's bent on crucifying His flesh to the Cross.

And that's when He swooped into my thoughts, and spoke to me.

"Because I care about your character, not your circumstances."

Jeremiah 29:11 couldn't have showed up in my pandemonic mind at a better time. I'm not always sure whether something I think about is something from the Holy Spirit, but I know for certain that it was the Spirit of God speaking to me.

God does have a plan, and He will not rest until it comes into fruition. Sure, my dad might be difficult to love, but the easy thing to do (which I have been consistently doing), is to just write him off as unreasonable and not worth caring for.

But the difficult thing to do, which Christ did for us, is to love my dad anyway. To put aside every ounce of pride in my mind and do the right thing. I don't have to agree with everything he says, but I need to hear him out. I don't always like how he thinks or behaves, but I don't have to react to it. It's not that I'm being weak or anything - I'm being meek instead. Strength under control, if that's what you call it. I will need every fruit of the Spirit that the Holy Spirit can flourish in me to love my dad.

Yet, I don't lose out. If anything, I gain everything - I will grow stronger in character. Sure, I won't be around for the next two years, but with every Skype call and Whatsapp message, I'll do my best.

Because this plan and purpose isn't just for me, it's also for him. And just as Christ gave Himself up for the church, I will give up my pride for my dad. One day, he'll understand that and he'll be transformed. He'll be that new person God has intended for him to be.

I can't wait.

Tribute

"The business of life is the acquisition of memories. And in the end, that's all there is."

— Carson, Downton Abbey

I do apologize for not coming up with a proper post since finals ended. Earnestly, I've been telling myself to go ahead and let the words spill out of my mind, but I've been so caught up in a frenzy of emotions that I cannot bring myself to write as fervently as I'd like to.

Anyhow, these pictures I've posted up weren't solely for the purpose of strolling down memory lane — they are a tribute to the late Uncle Poe, who passed away peacefully two days ago. I've never had a penchant for relatives as they were to me more of a nuisance, and I guess you could say it was difficult to get across the ideals of collectivism and filial piety through that thick, individualistic skull (mindset) of mine, but learning of his death was no easy feat. Uncle Poe was one of the closest I've known as part of my vast, intricate web of extended family members. He was a kind and loving man, and was quick to be generous to each and every one of us, his niece and nephews. He was there every Chinese New Year, and he'd always have something interesting for us to do in the midst of the mutilating boredom. He provided the very bundle of joy, my cousin Christine 8 years ago, and while I don't always like spending time playing childish games, she is somewhat still a darling to me. I may not know what lies in the recesses of Uncle Poe's heart, but what I know upon surface value was good and it will remain as such.

You were a good man, Uncle. I won't talk about what comes after life, for the fear that I may disintegrate the good memories made, but I pray you rest in peace. You will be missed.

A merry Christmas

Of the Christmas tree @ home

All photos above were taken at the Christmas Harvest Event @ Damansara Perdana

Christmas gifts and the aftermath of the unwrapping.

I thought I'd summarize my Christmas with photos instead of words since I haven't done that in a long time. Furthermore, I've been quite busy in the past few days that I haven't had time to blog so the photos will suffice for now. If I have any further thoughts regarding the festive occasion, I will blog about it, but I don't expect that to happen so soon. I'm about to hit the mall with my friends to catch Les Miserables, which we have been anticipating for the longest time! It is finally out! I also have a Christmas dinner to attend to at a friend's place tonight, so I don't expect to find time to blog until tomorrow.

To conclude, my OOTD (outfit of the day) on Christmas Eve. I've jumped on the ootd bandwagon, so it seems. Heh.

Dress from H&M

Bangle from Inapickleble Designs

Earrings from Diva

Belt from Isetan

Not seen here : Grey ballet flats from Zalora.com

Blessed Christmas to all of you and have a great festive season ahead! :)

Curiosity did not kill the cat

No argumentative basis whatsoever. I just thought it sounded less mainstream. I've caught on to the hipsteria, most fortunately. Okay, moving on.

It has been said, that the eyes are the windows to the soul. While this is partly true, I am certainly not a partaker of this belief. I may observe the actions and reactions of man, but I do not affirm myself of one's personality by concentrating on the motion and expression emitted by their body language. Simply put, I see, and I observe, yet I do not scrutinize.

However, this does not necessarily indicate that I am not attentive towards the behavioural processes and mannerisms of others. I honestly do, and sometimes even more than I should, but my insight is not found in scrutiny of facial organs, but rather in words. In my opinion, the written, or in this era - the typed word speaks more than itself.

I was leafing through the pages of the school magazine just mere minutes ago and I came across an essay written by a friend, or should I say acquaintance, since we aren't very fond of one another. As it happened to be the only English essay written by a senior that was published in the magazine, I became curious of the contents of the essay, especially since the title was rather beguiling and intriguing as well. And so I found the first word of the initial paragraph and began reading.

And I was shocked. I was startled. Amazed. Impressed. Infuriated. Surprised. Well, there's nothing more I can say to summarize my instant reaction to the essay but I was indeed, shocked. Never in my life would I have imagined this acquaintance of mine a literary genius. I won't specify precisely what the short was about, only that it contained elements of psychology, a concealed expression of teen angst and a sheer disposition of romance. And for a mere Malaysian adolescent of seventeen years to concoct such a brew that can stir the emotions of man, well, another adolescent like me makes such individual, a marvel.

While the elements of the tale he crafted were devastatingly provocative to the avid fan of literature, what had me taken aback was the author of the work. The mastermind behind the persona, the character. The genius behind the impersonation. The imposter himself - my mere school-aged acquaintance. I am indeed curious. What exactly was it that rendered him enlightened and in contact with his literary muse? What were the exact thoughts embedded in his cerebral cortex at the time of birth of the notions he expressed in his work? What is it that had physically, emotionally and spiritually driven him to have produced a piece worthy of recognition and acquisition by all who believe that there is hope in mankind in the literary world where all seems lost in the pandemonium of erotic novels and vampire fiction?

And this is why I cannot comprehend. I cannot fathom how someone I have known or perhaps, merely taken notice of could possibly possess such a great literary capacity in spite of the other responsibilities and absurdities in life all youth have had to endure in vain. Perhaps this boy, or should I say man literary-wise, has been intellectually adept to have exploited this very attribute and converted it into a catalyst for the progress of his work. I am earnestly lost and abashed by his humility, which I had once presumed as insecurity.

Needless to say, this has made me solemnly vow to myself that I shall never assume for the rest of my life. I am all for changing my perception regarding all individuals that exist in my life for the fear that I may someday traverse and find a similar soul - a genius in disguise and may wrong him or her superfluously.

On a lighter note, today's Christmas party was enjoyable. I had a great time conversing with all my friends and I reckon their parents had a splendid time as well since they actually stayed longer to chat than I had initially expected. Overall, today was a good day in spite of yesterday's misfortunes and I am definitely looking forward to Christmas now. Also, this fear that my friends and I will somewhat drift apart and fail to remain in the know of one another is beginning to fade away as well. After today's brief (okay, not really) gathering, I'm convinced that all of us, despite having different undertakings in life, will always remain friends forever (as cliche as it sounds).

Today, I am glad. That is all.