Of two Vivians and a Dr. Tan

One of my closest brothers in Christ once told me that he could relate to my mental struggles. He said there were two versions of himself, A and B, and they always contradicted one another. He told me he learned not to succumb to the thoughts planted by the enemy, and to always remember God's love supersedes everything else and thus, to put Him first.

At first I didn't quite buy the whole analogy of having two versions of ourselves, but now that this conflict has materialized so prevalently, I finally understood what he said that night in the car, en route home via the NKVE. Because it's real, and it's happening, even right now.

It's crazy how much I over think these days. I could be doing something as mundane as washing my car, and instantly I'd be transported into an alternate reality where some of my biggest fears come to life. In real time I am a university student, bound to head to the States in less than six months; but in another universe, I am unhappily married to a man I don't love out of obligation. Well, that escalated abruptly, didn't it?

I'm crazy.

But fortunately, another part of me comes swooping in, summoning a word of scripture to bind the naive realist in me. I realize then and there, while wiping the moisture off my rearview mirror, that there is more to life than to fear about never finding someone to love. I remember what I'd told myself a year ago about what I'd wanted to do. I remembered my heart for Malaysia, for the children who didn't have the same opportunities as I did in the realm of education. I remember my desire to go to the States, to acquire as much knowledge and experience as I could, so I could come back here to make a difference in this nation.

And then it struck me.

I don't know how that's gonna work out, but I know God sees everything and it will all come to pass in time.

I don't need to worry, or fear, because He is in control.

A couple of months ago I attended a Christian psychological conference on culturally sensitive counselling. I remember a Dr. Tan expounding details on cognitive behavioral therapy. In doing so, he also addressed and debunked certain myths on psychology. I recall a specific mention on the validity of neutrality when it comes to our thoughts. Dr. Tan said that there is no such thing as a neutral thought. There are only thoughts, and each thought can either be positive or negative. However, it is important to remember that our thoughts are not who we are. We might think of something bad, or something good, but it does not mean it is or will always indicate our inherent nature. Rather, we have the liberty to reject thoughts we do not want, and replace them with the word of God.

And I guess I've forgotten that. I've forgotten to take a deep breath and realize that I am not my thoughts. I've just been trying to do everything myself and it's not working out. I've been so worried about what I'm doing right or wrong that I'm not putting my focus on the only thing that matters - JESUS.

I can't do this with my own human strength, I need to draw it from Him and then work things out. During the conference, there was another analogy I found relevant. I can't recall exactly what items were used in the example, but I will try and explain it according to what I remember. Our journey with Christ is like a path, that goes onward. In order to stick to this path, there is a light in front of us that guides us and keeps us on our focus. At the risk of sounding cliche, that light is God. Nevertheless, on the sides of the path there are distractions, and these distractions will move along with us as we progress onward. And these, you can't get rid of.

But as Christians, our duty is to remained focus on the light that will keep us on that path, and not turn our eyes to the distractions around us. If we abandon the pursuit of the light, we will remain engrossed in the insubstantial matters on the sidelines, that will never benefit us, but lead us to an endless reciprocity of hopelessness, fear and guilt. But if we keep our eyes on Him, we will live by the love of God and never lose track of what we've been called to, and whom.

And it's Him. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit.

I still have no idea how things are gonna be like two years from now. I don't know who I'm ever gonna marry, or if I even will get married. But I don't care, because I remember who I am, and what I've been called to do.

And everything else, is secondary.

The Lord is my Shepherd,

I have all that I need.

He lets me rest in green meadows,

He leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength,

He guides my every path,

bringing honor to His name

Even when I walk through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid,

for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff

protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me

in the presence of my enemies,

You honor me by anointing my head with oil,

my cup overflows with blessings.

Sure your goodness and unfailing love with pursue me

all the days of my life

and I will live in the house of the Lord, forever.

Scripture of the week guys - Psalms 23. It's embedded in my head now, and I promise you I didn't copy that from the internet ahaha.

Amen.

Overcoming pride (Part 2)

Before I carry on, allow me to apologize for the pride expressed in my previous post. I know I've highlighted many injustices that I felt my fellow brothers in Christ have had against me, but I have come to realize that it is not for me to say who is right or wrong. After all, we are all the epitome of human imperfection and even I am not free from sin, from the making of mistakes. I still possess very strong emotions myself and I am learning to handle them by relying on His strength. In spite of that, I must say, lately I've been quite successful at converting most of my rage into tears. It might sound peculiar to everyone else, but personally it brings me great joy because I know once I've shed them, I remember what He has done for me and the transformation He pioneers in my life that will come into full completion in time.

Therefore, I sincerely apologize for the comments I have made in my previous post and I am assured that in addressing these issues with guidance from the Holy Spirit, slowly I will cease to withhold distaste or even hatred against anyone.

I'll be frank, I wasn't planning on blogging today because I have many other commitments to abide by such as my IR quiz tonight, my TOEFL test tomorrow (keep me in prayer!) and my research proposal due next week. These evils have rendered me trapped within the confines of my room in an attempt to study, but having read the books of 1 and 2 Timothy in the Bible a couple of moments ago, I felt there was a need to jot down some of the Scriptures that I felt spoke to me. There were a few Scriptures that stood out as I recited it out loud, but I'll share just one of them here as I feel it relates to some of the issues I've been having with regards to the realm of relationships - between brethren, that is.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have been ensconced in a conflict with one of my sibling in Christs for quite some time now. I stated that a difference in ideals and temperance were the sole causes of this matter, but now I'm beginning to see that the problem does partly have to do with myself as well. I've had many experiences myself in relationships that see a clash in opinion as a daily undertaking, but never have I in my entire life resolved to overcome the issue. If something ever turned out bad a couple of years ago, you would have seen my back turned against the person I was conflicted with, never to speak to them ever again. I saw that as the most grandiose of solutions as well as a permanent resolve to most conflicts, and for many years it remained that way.

However, the Vivian I was 4 years ago and the Vivian I am right now are two different people altogether. The person I was a couple years back was one inclined towards retaliation and revenge. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. I was always out to justify my right, my stand and I relied on the views of others to remain steadfast as a person. Upon glancing at today's circumstances, I must admit I still hold some of the same emotions. I still have some of my wounds with me although they're beginning to clot and dry up. Soon they will be scars - marks that will remind me of the mistakes I once made, the sin I once took joy in before I regularly repented and renewed my mind. The only contrast between then and now would be that my mindset is beginning to take a turn. I'm starting to see that leaving is not as great of a solution as I thought it would be.

A lot of self-motivation and psychology-related reading material and talk shows tell us to favor the growth of our self-esteem over trying to be a nice person. They advocate happiness and not allowing ourselves to feel hurt or pain with the reason being that our destiny as an individual is too important. Often, we see this as an answer to all our relationship problems and thus, we choose to shun people out of our lives before even having the chance to evaluate the whys and hows of the conflict itself. We think we are too important as a person to deal with any conflict because our comfort as a person is more crucial to ourselves. It then becomes a lot about us, us and US. Now, I'm not saying that every fallout is always going to be on our account - there are some people that we're going to have to let go of in our lives, such as those who continue to speak negatively into our lives out of despise, jealousy or hatred. But if a recurring pattern of conflict begins to emerge in your life, would that not be a sign for us to begin looking at the bigger picture? Shouldn't we cease counting the faults of others and gaze at the people we've let ourselves become to others?

As I mentioned earlier, my immediate resolve as a person then would always be to remove any individual that induced provocation or what I viewed as discouragement from my life for the sake of my happiness. I often thought it was just easier to remove people from my life if I couldn't understand how their personality came to be and upon what foundations where they birthed from. It was easy enough to do with people who didn't share the same faith with me and it was much more common to contemplate it whenever it had to do with people who shared the same Christian faith as I do. My pride and my emotions were top priority.

But I've come to realize that the key isn't to prevent myself from getting hurt - it's to know who to allow to hurt you.

This year, I have answered a call from God to turn away from my old resolutions. I still struggle with my pride almost every day, but being conscious about my thoughts has helped me gain a new mindset in Christ. Anyway, the Bible scripture that stood out to me earlier was 2 Timothy 2:23-26.

"Again I say, don't get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth. Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants."

Upon reading this, I knew He was speaking to me. There have been many instances in which I feel that some of my brethren in Christ are still bound to the ways of the world and have fallen prey numerous times to lethargy and idleness, and I feel hard-heartedly that I must correct them. I always feel the constant need to tell some people off that what they are doing does not align with the Bible, especially after having a Scripture slammed in my face so as to convict me. And I know very well that sometimes I misuse Scripture just to get back at a person who criticizes me, in which they likewise employ to counter me and before I know it, minor arguments have escalated into a full-fledged verbal war in which attacks below the belt are prone. A terrible example of stewardship, I know. Sigh.

Nevertheless, it is said in 2 Timothy 3:16, "All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right," So no, discouragement is not the essence of these revelations - repentance is. I know I have this problem, and I must rely on Him to solve it. Sometimes people may say something to criticize me as a person and I know I won't like it. Chances are, I'd bite back and worse, with the Bible. But the Bible says not to get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments. Therefore, I must evaluate the validity of the criticisms given as well as the intention of the person offering the piece of criticism. If I simply dismiss someone without performing these evaluations, I might have missed out on an opportunity to make right what is wrong simply because I assume all criticism is for the worse. Now, I realize that it is not.

Also, if I know that a sibling in Christ is not obeying the Word of God and if worse, is going against it, I shouldn't be harsh on them but exercise patience. After all, we are to patiently correct, rebuke and encourage people with good teaching (2 Timothy 4:2). And I should never, ever, ever use the Word of God to criticize people out of spite. Whatever I do should be on account of love and concern, as He constantly reminds me to do. Man, these are some tough things to abide by if I had to figure it out on my own.

Again, writing has provided me with liberation. I've been on the brink of wanting to eliminate people from my life again simply because I don't see eye-to-eye with them and I have distaste for them within me, but I'm really gonna need God's strength to help me pull through. But I believe that as long as He sustains me and I rely completely on His strength, I will be the most patient person on the face of this earth. EVER. Like, I mean it.

And hopefully, these efforts will be mutual on the other party's part. I don't expect that it be, because then my obedience would be painted with selfish ambition, but yeah, I really hope things are bound to change as I slowly begin to change as a person.

So there you go, another testimony on the undertakings in reducing the level of pride within me. Thanks again for reading, all you non-existent readers out there :)

Not sorry for Planetshaking

In those three days, I praised Him like I'd never praise before.

I worshipped Him with all my might, with all my soul and with all my breath.

I cried so much in one night that I had no more tears to shed the nights after that.

I absorbed so much of the Word like a sponge and yet I still long for more.

I spoke and sang in tongues longer than I'd ever done before.

I paid attention to His voice and obeyed His commands in spite of the reluctance of my flesh.

I have rebuked and rejected the Devil's propositions so many times that I now only ever remember God was and is and will always be, VICTORIOUS.

I have been so patient with my family members these days that it's beginning to freak me out  (in a good way) just how God's strength is so immense.

I am so convicted that my only substantial fear is that I do not accomplish my life's purpose of going out to preach the Word and make disciples of all the nations before my time is come.

I have received so much love that I cannot allow myself to fall back into the hate I was once immersed in, but allow instead my love to overflow on others.

There has been so much I've been through in the days since the retreat and in those three days at Planetshakers that giving an account of it all within a couple of hours (that's how much time I take to write a post) would be absolutely IMPOSSIBLE. I could pull an all nighter and challenge myself to write everything down, but I'm honestly too busy trying to read the Word and live the Word that I may not have all the time in the world to record my journey. Nevertheless, I am trying my very hardest to keep an account of what God has done with my life and what He has shown me.

Instead of describing all my experiences in one lengthy post, the next couple of posts will be a series of short testimonies that I hope will adequately explain how amazing God has been in spite of the circumstances. I've got some of my points down, but I haven't really gotten around to edit the drafts into several cohesive units of writing. But I can assure you that these things will surface on this blog soon enough :)

Until then, you'll just have to stay put. Also, it doesn't matter whether you're Christian or not whenever you come across this blog and find another post dedicated to my faith. These words were meant to bless, to testify and to glorify God. You may be able to get some insight from some of the biblical principles stated here.

God bless all of you, and thank you - yes, YOU once again, for reading.

(F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou

You too, Mei Mei. And let's never forget my amazing Popo as well.

I don't know how anyone else would define the concept of love, or maybe I do. I know what it is they say about finding your soulmate or life partner, whichever way you want to put it and having the grand opportunity to spend the rest of your life with him or her. This message has been advocated over and over, millions of times now and again. Find someone special and you find love. Embrace the ecstasy, get comfortable, fight over a million incompatibilities and see if the entirety of this endeavor has been worth anything at all. But really, I refuse to believe that it is the only basis of love that deserves recognition.

To put my stance forward, love to me is the lengths anyone would go to put the other person first before themselves. If I recall accurately of my studies in interpersonal communication, this sort of love is known to be agape love. It's described as this godlike love, unachievable by human standards and immeasurable to the great sacrifices made by the enlightened and the divine. Yet, I refuse to believe that it cannot be fathomed by humanity nor do I condone any explicable or inexplicable reason anyone should give in order not to attempt its achievement. Perhaps my faith has risen to greater heights and many more cannot fathom let alone accept my stand, as I say this out of a recently birthed perspective.

And this, unconditional, sacrificial love, is the one I speak of when I refer to my family. It may seem inadequate for someone like me to preach something I have failed to practice for the past eighteen years of my life, but I do know what I am talking about. Having chased after the allure of romantic relationships and the seemingly blissful prospect of receiving attention from a member of the opposite sex years before this, I am very likely speaking the truth of my enlightenment on the subject as I carefully craft this paragraph. I have recently begun to question how far a distance I would go to put my family first before me and in this, to obey the Heavenly Father. I have imagined the worst misfortune that I feel could ever befall upon my family, and asked myself what I would do if such a situation occurred. I have even made mental deductions to the probabilities of their occurring and have somewhat mentally begun to arm myself so as to ward of the pains of the unexpected. I won't deny on this one, it's paranoia alright.

But I know that this is not the way. This is what manifests when I rely upon my own strength. This is what occurs when I choose to dwell on the negative than the positive. God never intended for anyone to live in despair upon encountering fears as He says in 2 Timothy 1:7 - "For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."

So you see it there, my dear readers. Of power and love and self-control. I'm currently working on the last bit of that phrase, but that's another story. My point is, love. God gave us a spirit of love. He also clearly states in Romans 8:28 this - "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." God has been gracious to me, and merciful. He has shown me so much in the course of almost a year, and I am so grateful that He has. I've had to endure many spiritual hardships, many of those I sometimes do not see other believers undertaking. Perhaps it is my ignorance, or simply, my test to undertake. But I pull through on a number of occasions, and I know that it was through Him, not me.

Anyway, back to love, guys. So what of it do I find so enlightening that it has led to this recorded train of thought? Well, in 1 John 4:18 it says, "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." And that's that. Love destroys all fear. Someday I may have to make that sacrifice for my family. I may have to give up on some of my own dreams, such as that of going to the States, of giving a TED talk in California and even possibly the winning of a Nobel Prize. But what is all this if I don't have family? What will I make of life without the love and care of my most faithful supporters in this endurance race of making salvation worthwhile and pursuing godliness? Who can I share my joy with if not the very people who have worked so hard, who have prayed so eagerly and loved Him so faithfully all in accompaniment to my achievement of success?

And so I will, when I have to. I may have to give up everything someday because of love. But when I do, I will commit everything to Him, FEARLESSLY and UNCONDITIONALLY.

Anthropologist

Before you question my credibility in writing this post, let it be known that I've been succumbing to isolation and sheer introversion in the past week and am in no position to justify my thoughts and actions. Everything you will read in the following paragraphs are the raw manifestations of the mental injuries I have been subjected to, so do try to keep your judgment as minimal as possible (if I may ask that of you).

Throughout my life, I can safely say that never once have I ever felt a permanent sense of social belonging. For one, I've never arrived at a point where I've totally conformed towards the values and behaviors of a social group. I could be well-acquainted with how things are run within the circle, or even pick up particular attributes that very well mark the individual with the collective, but I've never been known to totally immerse myself in the specifics and in turn, become one with the group. As much as I drive myself to exert the characteristics synonymous to the environment I am thrust into, there is no point of finality, or so to speak, social nirvana, for me. I will never bring myself to say that I truly belong, for there is always bound to be something that exhibits me as uncommon, or peculiar, to say the least.

Within every social group, there are a key set of characteristics that each member is well acquainted with and will exert in the course of their membership. It's a given fact, whether consciously or subconsciously, that we tend to bind ourselves to a code of conduct in order to reinforce our identities via the institutions that provide them. Even I cannot distinguish myself from this rule, for man is a social animal and therefore, I am. Most of the time however, I tend to lie on a continuum when it comes to the supposed ratio of compatibility I possess with members of a certain social group. As a result, I easily tire myself from the endeavors I forcibly participate in. Every day, I am reminded that assimilation is the general order, and conformity the price I pay to dissociate from my penchant of insecurity. I am barely amused by the living souls that contribute energy towards the sustenance of a circle, and I often find most people appalling.

Frankly, I am also aware that this distaste is mutual on their part. I could very well be minding my own business, expressing my personal thoughts towards any individual, and a particular character will somewhat find a way to spit out rebuttals with a waterfall of sarcastic phrases, gushing out to evoke fury within whom these statements are directed to. Suddenly, I am aware - aware that I do not belong where I am not accepted, where I am not loved, and that I should go.

Occasionally, I do find the exceptional human being in this endless search for solace. I am well attracted to the intellectual, philosophical mind, but it is just the same with a soul of sheer simplicity. I constantly admire how pure the latter's aspirations are, how little the expectations they hold unto life, and how easily amused and entertained they are, a trait reinforced by their oblivion towards sarcasm and dark humor. Their emotions are genuine - so utterly untainted, unlike the superficiality displayed by the average, ignorant person.

As for the former, I've always been intrigued by the cerebration of a complex mind, and it brings me comfort to know that there are others like myself, who still exist in this world and are determined to deconstruct it mentally, even if it meant to dwell in an alternate reality and take the path less traversed upon. Nevertheless, this faction remains in a relatively small number, and I have known some of them long enough to have seen them switch allegiances, giving way to peer pressure. Ultimately, I've seen some become so immersed in assimilating that they somewhat lose themselves in the process. I guess tragedy is inevitable.

Nevertheless, with every entry into and departure from the factions that have actively crafted my social web, I become enlightened. By building rapport with the people I am surrounded with, I learn a little more about the myriad of human attitudes towards life and the general demeanor they exude. With every conflict that rises within the circle, I probe into the complexities of human character and classify them into categories where need be. Ultimately, I generalize - I take into account the collective culture of a social circle and put them into boxes to be neatly tucked away in the recesses of my mind.

And that is why I have titled this post as such, for I see myself as an anthropologist - a social scientist who studies the origin, the behavior, and the physical, social, and cultural development of humans. Traditionally, anthropologists studied tribal groups but as there are no "undiscovered" groups remaining in the world, the focus of anthropology has shifted to industrializing and agricultural societies. It's a flexible and progressive field of study, don't you think?

Academia aside, I somewhat find this analogy rather adequate in describing my current circumstances. Perhaps things aren't as dull and uninspiring as it seems, but my judgment has been rather clouded as of late. I know I should be dwelling on the Word of God more frequently and I do find clarity upon reading scriptures, but there are moments when I just can't help but concoct secularist queries which somewhat undermine the ability of faith. I guess now that I've penned all of this down, I've got my answer and should therefore move on with my life.

But I am curious to know, what say you?

Streetlights

The set of photos above were taken during the execution of my Sociology service learning project which comprised of volunteering for a soup kitchen initiative. That night, we were required to head downtown to the streets of KL and participate in distributing food to the homeless and less fortunate, who diligently came to collect their dues while simultaneously upholding a sense of awareness of the premises we were in and observing the behaviors of the individuals in such an atmosphere, all in relation to the sociological imagination and other related concepts.

My supposed skills in photography were requested by a classmate who corresponded with my Sociology lecturer, and thus, I was given the opportunity to capture these emphatically provoking images for recording purposes. I was initially a little hesitant, given that low-light photography was my Achilles' heel, but the endeavor soon proved to be less of a nuisance. I had the decency to use a portrait lens that would suffice in low-light conditions, and I was not merely restricted to recording the events that were taking place. Given that there were five pit stops, I devoted myself completely to serving at some stops and to photography at others.

I have to say, I don't think I've had that much fun partaking in community service than I did that night. It truly was overwhelming, the sense of satisfaction within me knowing that I was able to give without pretenses and watch as the world lit up in the lives of the recipient of our labor of love. It's crazy how these little things bring light not just in the lives of others, but in our own just as well.

By looking at these immortalized factions of my memory, I earnestly hope that you too, will somewhat envision the atmosphere and subject I intended to capture, and have the desire to discover for yourself not only what it is to be under the streetlight that lights up a premise, but to be the streetlight and shine right into the souls of the needy.

Pretending lions

I presumed my love for photography would not perish,

But now be it merely partial in play,

No, it cannot be but

Trapped in the recesses of an idle mind,

Inspiration, desire,

Pray tell, where art thou?

Thai fare

Thai glass noodle salad.

Spring rolls.

Fried crab cakes.

Virgin mojito.

Yam salad.