God's ways > My ways

Last Friday, I shared a message at my cell group. Prior to that, my cell leader had asked if I could share, and he had suggested I expounded on the message shared on Sunday by one of my fellow youth leaders about transformation. Given that I already had some thoughts about what was shared on Sunday, and felt I should realign those points with the truth of the Gospel, I agreed to do it.

And so I shared a message on transformation, and explained some of the points that were made on Sunday. Based on what I learned on Sunday about love being the source of transformation, I reaffirmed the truth of God's love for us in the Gospel, through the Bible. I shared about how easy it was to be disillusioned by performance and possessions to the extent that mistake it as our main goal, when really, all we have and are is founded upon the purpose of love.

I talked about how love was the source and product of transformation, and urged everyone, including myself to be aware of how we evaluate our fruitfulness and to constantly be on guard against idleness, so we don't forget that God is love.

But that's not what I intend to talk about in today's post.

After cell, some cell members encouraged me and reaffirmed me that my sharing was good. I figured most of them were tired that Friday night, and they'd said it because they were afraid that I'd be disappointed if whatever I shared failed to get through their fatigued selves. Or maybe they'd actually paid attention, and received something that night. Whatever it was, the Holy Spirit had reminded me prior to cell that it didn't matter; I was only the mouthpiece, God was and is the one who will work through them.

I also kept it in mind that whatever I said had to be out of love, and the Holy Spirit really helped me be a lot more compassionate and forgiving towards others, than I could ever afford to be in my own strength. With that, I shrugged in response to the positive comments, not dwelling on what I'd said or done that night.

However, on Sunday, I received feedback that wasn't too encouraging. I was at Alpha, having refreshments when I overheard the youth cell group leader conversing with a fellow member of the cell group I attended. The cell leader was curious about our last session, and expressed it to my fellow cell member. If I'm not mistaken, apparently the cell leader had heard from one of his own cell members who had attended my cell that Friday that my message was [insert adjective describing mediocrity/not good enough] here. My fellow cell member confirmed it, as he had heard this person say the message was "dry".

I won't lie, I was pretty discouraged. My message was dry? It was the second time I'd shared at cell, and the Holy Spirit had revealed to me that when I first shared, I lacked love. I was all about truth, and lacked in grace when it came to addressing sin and the imperfections of others. I was brutally honest the last time, and through a discipleship meeting with J N two nights before cell, God made me rethink the way I shared my message so it would be deep, and yet still exude love and grace. And it was dry?

I was devastated, at first. Then I was grateful - grateful that the Holy Spirit lived within me, and spoke to me at that moment. I had to make a decision.

If I so much as allowed that thought to prevail in my mind, it simply meant that I had allowed one person's opinion, to define the legitimacy of the message I had shared.

However, if I brought into remembrance what I had learned from the Word of God and the prompting of the Holy Spirit and had faith that God would still speak despite how I shared, it meant I was committing my ways unto the Lord; trusting in Him as He brought forth my righteousness as the light, and my justice as noonday.

And boy am I glad I chose the latter. I chose to believe that the God I love and serve reigns beyond the limitations of my flesh. I chose to trust the Lord with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. I took refuge in the Lord than trust in man.

People's comments, be they positive or negative may address the nature of how or what has been shared, but they don't matter as much as who it was shared for and why. When we share a message, it is for our God who is love. It is for the furtherance of His kingdom alone.

After receiving a rebuke from J N two nights before my sharing was due, I felt really discouraged. I felt I wasn't ready to share, and that I should just drop this responsibility because I felt my heart wasn't right before God. I thought I had made a mistake by agreeing to share, because I was just a wreck.

But then the Holy Spirit spoke to me.

"Are you doing this for yourself, or for God?"

"If you choose to run away now and not share, you're basically running away from what God has called you to do. You're also saying that God's not as great as we all claim He is, because you don't believe that God speak to people through your sharing on Friday."

"You're implying that God cannot work beyond your own human limitations."

Well, I couldn't argue with that lol. And so I shared.

Another thing the Lord made real to me was that He reveals things to people in His way, and His own timing. On that same discipleship meeting, I vented my frustration regarding how things were being run in youth church, and the state of the hearts of the youths for God. I'd been exposed over the past couple of months to really profound and yet basic truths of the Christian faith, and the urgency of restoring our undivided loyalty and attention towards the Heavenly Father to the extent that when I looked around me, I'd find that it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough that the guys in cell served in church, they had to give up playing DotA for Jesus because I felt that if we couldn't give up a computer game to spend time with God, I figured it'd be a nightmare for them trying to leave behind this world to enter into the place He has for us in Heaven. It wasn't enough for agreement in the Word to happen during service, it had to be something we pondered and meditated upon at all times, and watching people transition so easily from a hefty sermon to gossiping at lunch made me cringe. I felt it wasn't enough that people were given a chance to preach, it had to come from a place of great understanding in the Word of God and constant citation to ensure everything is biblically sound.

When I expressed this to J N, he was upfront with me and said that my attitude was absolutely wrong. I was judging others for what they did, or didn't do, and it was not out of love. I was accusing others of not loving Jesus, based on my judgments. I was absolutely frustrated because I felt like I didn't belong with my "deep" thoughts in a sea of facade-oriented individuals, and it hurt my relationships with others, and more importantly, with God. On a deeper level, I was frustrated because I felt like I was the one who had to uphold all these things that God had revealed to me, because no one else seemed to care.

J N said that God reveals things to people according to His will and His perfect timing. He said that not everyone moves at the same pace, and it is unjust to classify a fellow believer as incompetent in their walk simply because they are slower than one, or to over-qualify a certain believer simply because they are at a certain position in their walk. God's relationship with everyone is unique and individual, as much as it is cohesive with His bride, the Church.

When I shared about God's love in accordance with transformation, and talked about God's grace and the concept of the Gospel, I was super enthusiastic about it. I brought it up over and over again, paying emphasis to the core of the Gospel, of God's redemption of the human race, the sending of Jesus as a sacrifice, and all of this as an act of love. I believed it was such a great and key part of Christianity that needed to be reasserted frequently, because I saw how it shaped my faith and it was what God had revealed to me through my encounters with Reformed teachings and theology. 

Nevertheless, not everyone shares my enthusiasm. Some don't understand why I would constantly point at it with amazement time and time again when all Christians are in consensus that Christ died for our sins and we were saved by grace through faith. And I suspect that some find my message "dry" because I shared something that was seen as basic knowledge of Christianity and not the solid spiritual food we were suppose to received, having being told we were to "level up" in our faith.

But that's okay. God reveals His truths in different ways to different people at different times. And as long as they all point to Him, it's all cool. It really isn't my concern, because I have no reason to dispute a God who works beyond my human imperfections.

Two lessons learnt in one sharing:

1. Putting my trust in God means not worrying about what others say, be it negative or positive.

2. God reveals things to people according to His plan and perfect timing.

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts."

- Isaiah 55:9

Maybe, definitely

So maybe sports isn't so bad after all.

I still haven't gotten a chance to practice playing frisbee, but I got to try it out. I played captain ball today after Alpha, and hey, it wasn't too bad. It was pretty fun, although I do admit I could learn to spread out on the playing field and catch the ball more effectively.

But hey, it was pretty great.

So maybe this fellowship thing is working out too.

I've been talking to God about having something like this happen, because I believe fellowship was key in building relationships with others, though the purpose of Alpha was to introduce Christ to those who have yet to know Him. I spoke about it to one of my bros over dinner the other night, saying that perhaps there needs to be more effort gone into fellowship and more utility in Alpha as an evangelistic tool, but he pretty much just said "Relationships take time" and "We're not to shun the gospel down someone's throat" in response. I'm not quite sure he got what I meant seeing that those responses were a bit on the extreme side, but I don't blame him. I guess everyone has a different take on how the course of relationships should take place, but I personally feel that it's about time some of us (other than me) hung out with Megs.

When I reminisce my time in CF, I am reminded of how friendly and hospitable we all were to one another. It was such a great example of the overflowing of the Father's love, that we could not contain our love for Him that we let it overflow into the lives of others by displaying the same love. I wanted that to happen in church, but I wasn't sure if my heart was right when it came to this; I wondered if I was being a little biased since I had spent more than a year in CF and barely invested in relationships in church, or if I was having unrealistic expectations about what church should be, and was comparing things again to CF. Thus, I decided not to tread that ground over dinner with the others, especially since that bro replied as such.

But God is faithful. He knew what was in my heart, and He assured me that He had everything under control.

Megs*, Day* and I went out for Boat Noodle after captain ball today. Initially, it was just gonna be Megs and I, as usual, having our Sunday night hangout sesh, because most people were having dinner with their families, not excluding Day himself. However, after a phone call, he decided he could join us because his plans with his family got called off. So we headed off to Jaya One together and got to chatter over food. It was pretty funny (because Day's jokes are extremely hilarious and LAME) and I think Day and Megs got to know each other slightly better.

And the craziest thing was, I didn't even speak to Day about this since I got put off the other day. But God knew better.

In all, I praise the Lord, for His faithfulness. Although I'm not too sure how things will turn out over the next couple of weeks, but I am sure that God's ways are above my ways, and His thoughts are above my thoughts. I only need to trust in the work that He is doing, that He will bring it into completion, and I must be obedient to His call and linger in His love at all times. He did it today, and I'm sure there is more, in time to come.

So maybe I don't have to get what I want to be happy.

I know this appears to come from an unknown place, but maybe, JUST MAYBE, I don't have to be with someone who is my "type" to be happy. I had the opportunity to share a brief account of my past relationship in accordance with how God answered prayers, and it suddenly dawned upon me that the person I am currently attracted to was pretty much the same type of guy I dated, in my previous relationship. Well sure, there were several attributes in their personality that were different, but all in all, they were similar in terms of physical attributes. And so I'm starting to think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, that God did not or has not allowed anything to happen between us because He knew better than for me to be tempted and make the same dumb mistake I made last year.

Sure, I'm a little stronger than I was before, but as strong as I am spiritually, I will always need to be anchored to God, because in my own strength I am weak. The weakness of God is greater than my strength. God knows what I need, and maybe, just maybe, He knows I don't need this particular person to make me happy. It could be anyone, and I need to let Him let His plan come into fruition.

Of course, that does not mean I shun every other guy who seems to be my "type" because I think that's what God's plan is. It's still a maybe, after all, but hey, I'd like to keep an open mind about His will, though I am determined to be shut towards anything that sets itself against the knowledge of God.

So definitely, I'd say today was a great day. In fact, this entire week has been pretty amazing.

I made a conscious decision to focus on others instead of myself, I allowed others to speak into my life and rebuke me, and I let myself be honest not just to others, but to myself. I've realized that sometimes I allow things to be complicated, when really it's all so simple. I was also reminded that there are many people, especially my family members, who love me, regardless of whether they understand me or not. They truly care, and whether I am okay or not okay, as long as they are aware of how I've been doing, they are assured about me and glad.

I think my shards are slowly becoming visible to others, but that's okay. Everyone is broken, and I'm broken too. I'm sometimes concerned about what people would say when they see the broken pieces of my life that I've concealed for so long, but I really don't care anymore what people say. I only need Jesus, and I know that He'll make things come together for my good.

And so will He, for all those who love Him and His kingdom :)

* Names have been changed in reverence of the individuals referred to above and the acknowledgement of their right to privacy

Thank you Jesus

For having mercy on me and never giving up on restoring the relationship between my Dad and I.

For the interview I'm about to attend tomorrow to see if I land that part-time job.

For the smooth settlement of my university application submission.

For helping me let go of the past so I can genuinely bid Josh farewell.

For the good lunch and dinner I had today.

For helping me get through singing back-up during worship earlier with Your presence.

For using me as your mouthpiece and tool on this earth.

For the encouraging and convicting message that you imparted through Peter today on Your steadfast love and being anchored to You.

For my sister's renewed commitment to You through that altar call today (it was inaugural, it was MOMENTOUS).

I cannot thank you enough God, for everything. I can only burst into tears of joy.

Thank you.

Joshwosh

I used to think real friends were people who knew better than to push all your buttons, on the grounds of being understanding. I thought friends were better off passive, with hopes that they'd let me discover on my own that I am more than the monster my past has made me.

But if there’s one thing I've learned from you Josh, it’s that real friendship isn’t easy.

And so is teamwork, especially when two parties are on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to getting things done, even though Facebook always insists we're very similar by encouraging everyone else to tag you as me in CF photos.

Anyhow, thank you for never giving up on me and continually chastising me for being too uptight and kiasu and all a list of other things that summarize me into some kind of 4.0 control freak. I gotta admit, it was a little painful hearing it at first, but I learned to deal with it and go back to God and re-evaluate my attitude and my faith. I might not agree with you on certain things, but I learned to deal with different opinions and criticism because of that.

I know for a fact that real friends are HONEST friends, and you were honest enough to tell me straight in the face about my issues, and that I had to face them and stop running away. Also, thank you for being understanding during my low moments, by keeping silent and letting God deal with me. I know that I’m a lot better now as a person because God used you to speak to me. You're probably having a ball reading this now because you have the "last laugh". Hahaha, GO AHEAD, laugh, it's okay :)

But hey, we've had great moments in the committee as well. Thanks for driving me to my car at the 3rd Eiffel Tower after Bio class, for having such great taste in music (COLDPLAY!), and for pulling CF together alongside Hee Sung and I during the “Internship Neglect” era. Thanks mate for some of the greatest laughs I've had in uni – you've really taught me to hang loose (ba dum tss). Personally I also think you’ve changed quite a bit, from that last-minute, just-wing-it kind of guy into a responsible and considerate guy (won’t call you a man just yet ha), and I'm pretty sure it's not just Voon Ann who has to do with it. It's really Him up there, working in your life. God has really changed you in the span of a couple of months, and I hope your growth won't stop there.

Though I have mixed feelings about you leaving, but I know I'll definitely miss having you around here. Thanks again for the postcard, and for the guitar pick. I've been meaning to get a pick for a while now, but now I don't have to cuz I have one. And really, don't apologize. Whatever's in the past has been forgotten. Let's just look forward to starting afresh and glorifying God in the States!

Goodbye for now, Joshwosh. Stay on fire for God!

Step upper

Looking back at the last year and a half, I am truly blessed to be able to call CF my second home. It hasn't been an easy ride, having to put God first in the midst of uni responsibilities and family; and having to work with a committee of people with different views and spiritual walks. It was also challenging meeting people from different denominations and theological stands, and I gotta admit it did shake my faith quite a bit.

Nevertheless, CF humbled me to ask the difficult questions, and steered me back to the Word and the Holy Spirit. I had amazing fellow committee members and advisors who did not judge me for my doubts and questions, but challenged me to continue wrestling with God in understanding who He is as both a Father and sovereign Lord. They have been great people of accountability and genuine love, unbeknownst to me.

Honestly though, every TUCF-ian I have encountered in this journey has been a real blessing as they have enriched my life with their presence and encouraged me with their testimonies. As I step upper and pass on the baton to the next secretary, I truly hope CF will continue to be FAMILY to everyone who steps into D8.14 (or anywhere), just as it has been for me, by the grace of God.

This Is What You Do

Because it's not about Heaven or Hell, but it's about what God above is doing in my life in the here and now. And probably because I'm listening to that particular track in prep for this week's worship at youth church.

So the past couple of weeks have been crazy. Not crazy as in, crazy busy, which I'd initially hoped to be, but crazy in an emotional and nerve-wrecking way. And possibly, mundane even.

Plenty of things have happened.

In the span of weeks, I met up with the youth coordinator, quit bible study and am still dealing with matters of hatred and forgiveness with some of my closest Christian brothers. I went for a Christian Counselling conference, broke my vow to abstain from burgers for the rest of the year and had profound conversations with one of my closer leader buddies while riding shotgun. I also managed to keep in touch with one of my trusted brothers from Korea on Whatsapp, and I have a hunch that he's getting very irritated with my constant questions about life in general. So there.

More importantly, however, I took a trip down memory lane to the painful areas of my life. I won't say it was something I had planned to do this year, but given my creative writing monologue required substance and conflict, I undertook a bucketful of tears through confronting my mum about the hurts I had as a child.

I don't regret any of it though. I'm glad it's out of my system, and I can sense the Holy Spirit within me, comforting me and pushing me forward.

I really don't know what I'd do without Jesus.

I got upset again on Tuesday, and my head got really messy. I'm trying to rationalize everything that has been happening to me, but I've found that talking to others no longer clear things up in my head. I haven't told my mum anything, and I'm not sure if I should. I mean, what do I get from talking? Shouldn't I be focusing my eyes on Jesus and crying my heart out to Him? Only He can salvage my cracking heart all over again.

I really don't know. A part of me is afraid of trusting people again, but I don't want to end up like that again. I don't want to reinvent the silence I forced myself through when I was fourteen because I felt I was hopeless and nothing could be done about me. I am a sensitive person and the more I try to figure things out and control myself, it just gets worse.

People tell me I need to change, but I don't think they realize it's easier said than done. I'd rather they just pray for me and learn to accept that I learn slowly and things don't just undergo transformation overnight.

But until then, I need to bury His word in my heart. I need to hide under His wing and let Him heal me. Nobody, as comforting and sympathetic as they are, can spur change in me.

Only God can. But if I don't let Him, things will just keep getting tough.

I need to learn to be alone, with God by my side. I've come to realize that devotion is something I find hard to do, but I'm slowly learning. I've started doing worship by playing the guitar, but my skills make it a nuisance for me to sing nicely. But I know God isn't there just so He could hear the gift He gave me, He's there to spend time with me for me.

I've thought more than I've written, but given that my class is in half an hour and I need to print out my first draft for my monologue, I'll have to continue some other day.

But it sure feels good to be writing again. I think this overcomes a little of the clutter in my head. I should be able to think straight for quite a bit.

Thank you for hearing me out though. I'll remember to tell Daddy God of your kindness, because I want you to be blessed for your love for me. Tata.

Heehee (literally)

Dear Hee Sung,

I hope you liked the surprise we all threw you, and that you liked the harmonica all of us helped chip in to get you. I hope God will inspire you to use this harmonica to bless others with your musical talent, and in turn, glorify the name of Jesus. May you continue to walk with the Lord in the pursuit of holiness and allow Him to use you for greater things.

Now, onto the personal and soppy stuff (bear with me!). Firstly, I'd really like to thank you for being my friend. I thank you for listening to me, since the first semester when everything was novel to me and when I was attached to someone, and I thank you that you have continued to be a good listener even now as I've grown from that naive person into the somewhat progressed person I am now. Your advice and your time has been invaluable, and there is no way I can return you this favor, even if I were to monetarily do so. I don't know many people who are good listeners or any who are willing to engage in frivolous debates about the most petty things to more serious issues; but you are one of those rare people - so know that you have a special place in my life.

Your loyalty to your church and to the CF has really inspired me and taught me a great life lesson. At first I couldn't empathize with why you were running around, juggling church duties and CF responsibilities, but eventually when I was placed in the same shoes as you were, I understood what you were going through. I probably won't know what else you might have undertaken during your time here, but I respect and honor your commitment and sacrifice for God. It has encouraged me to be committed to the ministry as well, and not to give up even when things get rough. Nevertheless Hee Sung, let not your zeal overwhelm you to the extent that you do not spend time dwelling in His word and spending time just talking to the Lord. As much as we'd like to please God and leave a legacy, all of this would be in vain if the core of our faith, which is our relationship with God, is not present. So please, do take a break every once in a while and ponder upon what God is speaking to you, and just rest in His love. Other than that, you're doing great in the realm of faith and endurance, and I hope you will continue to remain just as enthusiastic and committed to the Lord!

I believe our friendship has been sanctioned by God, even before we knew each other. Frankly, I never intended to attend CF when I first entered Taylor's. I didn't have any Christian friends I knew, and I was afraid to go there alone. I think I found out you were a Christian after I added you on Facebook after knowing you from Calculus class, and then I asked if you attended CF after History class. You said you did, and then we went to CF together. I believe God placed you in two of my classes, just to make sure I attended CF. Of course consecutively it was my decision to make, but I know that if I hadn't known you I probably would not have gone. After all, we are from different majors and our paths may not have crossed so easily, but it did anyway. I may not know fully what He had in mine, but there is no mistake that this is divine intervention. I'm glad that I had the opportunity to serve with you, and it has been a fruitful endeavor, my comrade in Christ.

I'm truly sorry if there was anything I may have said or done that brought offense to you. Please forgive me if I have done so. I am also sorry for all the presuppositions I have made of you and against you, for I know not to judge another sibling in Christ now. God has shown me what a good work you have done, and the seeds you have sown into the lives of some of our mutual friends, like Fu Ern, Ming, Eden and others. I hope that you will continue to be the same kickass gardener you are now in the field of God's harvest, even when you are in the U.S. Only He knows the AMAZING plans He has for you. Again, I hope you can forgive me for ever judging you, and know that I have forgiven you to in any event you have caused offense to me.

I could go on and on, but I will spare you from the wrath of my long-winded writing. I barely write letters to people, but when I do, I present it to the people who have had an effect on my life. And you are one of them! Yes, Daniel Kim Hee Sung, you have! I wish you all the best in everything that you do, and I ask that Christ be the center of it all in your life. May you grow more and more in Him and attain the full extent of the Fruits of the Spirit. Hopefully we will meet again someday, be it in the U.S., South Korea or even in Malaysia. Anyhow, there's always Facebook so let's keep in touch aite? I'll miss you a lot when you're not around in the next half of the year!

Sincerely with love,

Vivian Teoh :)

Food for thought

I know I'm pressed for time given that my IR finals are tomorrow, but the Spirit decided that I would not rest until I posted this up. GOLD, really.

Last Friday, the camp committee and I finally had the opportunity to meet up with Pastor Dave from Acts Church, who is to be our speaker for the upcoming CF Camp. We were able to see what he had in mind for the camp, as well as convey some of our own expectations and our own questions. It was then when my CF president brought up her concerns of how to proceed with evangelism and how we could reach out to others, in spite of our own inadequacies.

Pastor Dave pointed out two things. Firstly, he mentioned that we need to have the courage to evangelize. Although it is easier said than done, we need to be courageous - we need to take the first step. As my CF president pointed out, even in the Great Commission, the first word that surfaces is "GO." So God tells us to GO and make disciples in all the nations. We need to have the courage to take that leap of faith, to evangelize. Yet, most of us still wonder, "Well, that's easier said than done, ain't it?"

This brings me to Pastor Dave's second point. Next, we need to be spirit-led. We have to be aware of what the Holy Spirit says to us and allow the Spirit to lead us in everything that we do, especially when evangelizing to others. Every word and act that is brought forth in our lips must come from the Heavenly Father and not with our own wisdom. Often, the Holy Spirit is the part of the Trinity that most of us, even myself, tend to take for granted. Furthermore, when we talk about the Holy Spirit, most people who do not come from charismatic backgrounds have this misconception that the Holy Spirit is parallel to the act of speaking in tongues, or seizure-like occurrences, or some wild and bizarre supernatural sign that frankly, even I am often frightened by at times. Sure, there is mention about the gifts of the Spirit such as the gift of tongues or even the interpretation of tongues, but that isn't what the Holy Spirit is entirely about.

The Bible also talks about the Fruits of the Spirit in the book of Galatians. The attainment of these fruits depict growth or development in our faith, as we reflect the likeness of the Lord in daily conversion and conduct. It is by the fruits that we are granted entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven, and it is by the greatest fruit of all, that is LOVE, in which our faith and works mean something. After all, it is said in 1 Corinthians 13:1-3;

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing."

Love must be the basis of all our actions, our convictions and ultimately, our faith. Frankly, it isn't easy for me, considering that I like my world to revolve around the rightness and wrongness of things. I always want to be right, and I constantly have this terrible desire of wanting to put other believers down with Christian rhetoric or even, dogma. Furthermore, I am easily affected by other believers who appear to possess better biblical knowledge than I do, and who is unafraid to point out my inaccuracies.

Regardless of the intentions of others, it is I who must check my heart. Who do I serve, and who am I trying to please? What are my actions and my speech based upon? Would it be better for me to refrain from mouthing Christian dogma towards others if it were to land them on shaky ground? Apart from these, there are a myriad of other questions I constantly have to ask myself, and I know very well that I do not have the answers for most of them. But I know very well that if I put my faith in God and remain in Him, He will reveal these things to me and I need not worry about what others think.

I've lived far too long attempting to conceal my brokenness to others, in hopes that others in seeing the impeccable life I live will come to know Christ. But no, this is absolutely and inherently wrong, and I deserve to be condemned for ever thinking it would work. From this point onwards, I am determined to remain vulnerable to those around me, although I know I will get hurt at some point or another. I know I will make mistakes, and I know people will deduce that I am a hypocrite when my words contradict my actions. But I am human, and I accept the fact that I am a hypocrite. I will never be perfect, until Kingdom come. And that's exactly why I need God, because only He can do all things. And His power works best in weakness - my weakness, your weakness, everyone's weakness.

So as per the prospect of evangelism, I will let Him do the job. It is not my responsibility to convert anyone into becoming a Christian. I am but a gardening tool for the harvest, either to plant the seed, to water it or to harvest it. Regardless of which, I am well aware what my duties are and will not seek to play God.

Who is my refuge and strength? Who is my Father in Heaven, who loves me for me, in all my brokenness and iniquity?

Nobody else, but JESUS.

Overcoming pride (Part 2)

Before I carry on, allow me to apologize for the pride expressed in my previous post. I know I've highlighted many injustices that I felt my fellow brothers in Christ have had against me, but I have come to realize that it is not for me to say who is right or wrong. After all, we are all the epitome of human imperfection and even I am not free from sin, from the making of mistakes. I still possess very strong emotions myself and I am learning to handle them by relying on His strength. In spite of that, I must say, lately I've been quite successful at converting most of my rage into tears. It might sound peculiar to everyone else, but personally it brings me great joy because I know once I've shed them, I remember what He has done for me and the transformation He pioneers in my life that will come into full completion in time.

Therefore, I sincerely apologize for the comments I have made in my previous post and I am assured that in addressing these issues with guidance from the Holy Spirit, slowly I will cease to withhold distaste or even hatred against anyone.

I'll be frank, I wasn't planning on blogging today because I have many other commitments to abide by such as my IR quiz tonight, my TOEFL test tomorrow (keep me in prayer!) and my research proposal due next week. These evils have rendered me trapped within the confines of my room in an attempt to study, but having read the books of 1 and 2 Timothy in the Bible a couple of moments ago, I felt there was a need to jot down some of the Scriptures that I felt spoke to me. There were a few Scriptures that stood out as I recited it out loud, but I'll share just one of them here as I feel it relates to some of the issues I've been having with regards to the realm of relationships - between brethren, that is.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I have been ensconced in a conflict with one of my sibling in Christs for quite some time now. I stated that a difference in ideals and temperance were the sole causes of this matter, but now I'm beginning to see that the problem does partly have to do with myself as well. I've had many experiences myself in relationships that see a clash in opinion as a daily undertaking, but never have I in my entire life resolved to overcome the issue. If something ever turned out bad a couple of years ago, you would have seen my back turned against the person I was conflicted with, never to speak to them ever again. I saw that as the most grandiose of solutions as well as a permanent resolve to most conflicts, and for many years it remained that way.

However, the Vivian I was 4 years ago and the Vivian I am right now are two different people altogether. The person I was a couple years back was one inclined towards retaliation and revenge. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. I was always out to justify my right, my stand and I relied on the views of others to remain steadfast as a person. Upon glancing at today's circumstances, I must admit I still hold some of the same emotions. I still have some of my wounds with me although they're beginning to clot and dry up. Soon they will be scars - marks that will remind me of the mistakes I once made, the sin I once took joy in before I regularly repented and renewed my mind. The only contrast between then and now would be that my mindset is beginning to take a turn. I'm starting to see that leaving is not as great of a solution as I thought it would be.

A lot of self-motivation and psychology-related reading material and talk shows tell us to favor the growth of our self-esteem over trying to be a nice person. They advocate happiness and not allowing ourselves to feel hurt or pain with the reason being that our destiny as an individual is too important. Often, we see this as an answer to all our relationship problems and thus, we choose to shun people out of our lives before even having the chance to evaluate the whys and hows of the conflict itself. We think we are too important as a person to deal with any conflict because our comfort as a person is more crucial to ourselves. It then becomes a lot about us, us and US. Now, I'm not saying that every fallout is always going to be on our account - there are some people that we're going to have to let go of in our lives, such as those who continue to speak negatively into our lives out of despise, jealousy or hatred. But if a recurring pattern of conflict begins to emerge in your life, would that not be a sign for us to begin looking at the bigger picture? Shouldn't we cease counting the faults of others and gaze at the people we've let ourselves become to others?

As I mentioned earlier, my immediate resolve as a person then would always be to remove any individual that induced provocation or what I viewed as discouragement from my life for the sake of my happiness. I often thought it was just easier to remove people from my life if I couldn't understand how their personality came to be and upon what foundations where they birthed from. It was easy enough to do with people who didn't share the same faith with me and it was much more common to contemplate it whenever it had to do with people who shared the same Christian faith as I do. My pride and my emotions were top priority.

But I've come to realize that the key isn't to prevent myself from getting hurt - it's to know who to allow to hurt you.

This year, I have answered a call from God to turn away from my old resolutions. I still struggle with my pride almost every day, but being conscious about my thoughts has helped me gain a new mindset in Christ. Anyway, the Bible scripture that stood out to me earlier was 2 Timothy 2:23-26.

"Again I say, don't get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments that only start fights. A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth. Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants."

Upon reading this, I knew He was speaking to me. There have been many instances in which I feel that some of my brethren in Christ are still bound to the ways of the world and have fallen prey numerous times to lethargy and idleness, and I feel hard-heartedly that I must correct them. I always feel the constant need to tell some people off that what they are doing does not align with the Bible, especially after having a Scripture slammed in my face so as to convict me. And I know very well that sometimes I misuse Scripture just to get back at a person who criticizes me, in which they likewise employ to counter me and before I know it, minor arguments have escalated into a full-fledged verbal war in which attacks below the belt are prone. A terrible example of stewardship, I know. Sigh.

Nevertheless, it is said in 2 Timothy 3:16, "All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right," So no, discouragement is not the essence of these revelations - repentance is. I know I have this problem, and I must rely on Him to solve it. Sometimes people may say something to criticize me as a person and I know I won't like it. Chances are, I'd bite back and worse, with the Bible. But the Bible says not to get involved in foolish, ignorant arguments. Therefore, I must evaluate the validity of the criticisms given as well as the intention of the person offering the piece of criticism. If I simply dismiss someone without performing these evaluations, I might have missed out on an opportunity to make right what is wrong simply because I assume all criticism is for the worse. Now, I realize that it is not.

Also, if I know that a sibling in Christ is not obeying the Word of God and if worse, is going against it, I shouldn't be harsh on them but exercise patience. After all, we are to patiently correct, rebuke and encourage people with good teaching (2 Timothy 4:2). And I should never, ever, ever use the Word of God to criticize people out of spite. Whatever I do should be on account of love and concern, as He constantly reminds me to do. Man, these are some tough things to abide by if I had to figure it out on my own.

Again, writing has provided me with liberation. I've been on the brink of wanting to eliminate people from my life again simply because I don't see eye-to-eye with them and I have distaste for them within me, but I'm really gonna need God's strength to help me pull through. But I believe that as long as He sustains me and I rely completely on His strength, I will be the most patient person on the face of this earth. EVER. Like, I mean it.

And hopefully, these efforts will be mutual on the other party's part. I don't expect that it be, because then my obedience would be painted with selfish ambition, but yeah, I really hope things are bound to change as I slowly begin to change as a person.

So there you go, another testimony on the undertakings in reducing the level of pride within me. Thanks again for reading, all you non-existent readers out there :)

Overcoming pride

I honestly doubt that anyone (at least that I know of) still reads this blog, but in case there are still some of you who do swing by once in a blue moon and have noticed my previous post, well yes, I am still working on that testimony. Compiling my experiences and deriving bible scriptures are a little time consuming though, which explains why the post isn't up yet. Nevertheless, I am determined and relying on God's strength to help me finish what I have started because humanly I know I cannot do it, just as I have failed in the past few years in this endeavor, but with God all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

Meanwhile, I suppose I will share some of the thoughts I've had in this past week. Some of my thoughts I have come to realize some are not words spoken into me by the Heavenly Father, but negative things I have begun to pick up from the voice of the world. I guess not having to actively rebuke these voices that speak negatively in my head in this past week due to the taxing funeral rites back in my dad's hometown has taken a slight, if not sizeable toll on me. In spite of that, God has proven faithful and the Word has been an invaluable tool in asserting myself in Christ.

Just last week I was so on fire for God, speaking into people's lives and having Him use me to empower and convict other people. I felt such great joy and encouragement having to do His work and having received so much revelation from the Planetshakers Conference that I felt almost invincible. I could sense His presence and love almost all the time, and it was just amazing. And crazy. I'd begun to hear Him so well that I just knew in my heart that there was no turning back. I had dedicated my entire life to Jesus and I would love Him, walk with Him and serve Him in spite of all forms of persecution and under any circumstances. I didn't think I could ever live any other way than to constantly feel the love of the Heavenly Father and rest in Him, abandoning the rest of the world for a godly pursuit.

But that isn't all there is to walking with Jesus. That isn't the whole point of Christianity. Yes, God tells us to abide in Him, to rest in Him and to seek to be in His love at all times (Matthew 11:28), but we cannot forget that we still live on this earth for His purpose. He has called us to be the salt and light, and in my opinion, it is probably the hardest thing any Christian would have to do in their lives - abandon all sense of individual purpose and seek to fulfill the collective purpose God has called us for - to make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit (Matthew 28:19). If you've read this blog long enough or perhaps know me in person for a considerable amount of time, you'd probably have picked up that I value obscurity. I don't care for people who have similar interests and talents with me because I find them competition and my sole purpose in life then was to ensure that my individuality was kept esteemed above everything else. Fortunately, God convicted me of my pride and constant pangs of jealousy over others, and now I really don't care much for individuality or obscurity. Occasionally I do have second thoughts about doing certain things or buying certain products because someone else has already pioneered these things, but where the kingdom of God and people are concerned - I'm letting it slide.

Nevertheless, I'm not here to gloat about how perfect life has turned out to be with Christ. I still struggle, and I know I have not achieved perfection which Jesus undeniably embodied. Daily, I am sometimes threatened by the world that I momentarily forget what God has done in my life and the purpose I am striving to fulfill as a Christian, and I fall. I get angry and I feel hurt. I shed tears when the pain becomes overbearing, and all this simply because I chose to listen to the voice of the world and not the voice of God. In fact, this past week I've found myself being hurt by parents and peers in the CF I'm involved in, as a result of that. I've shared my testimony about how God taught me to honor my parents to so many people and I've seen people being spoken to by God due to that, and yet I still feel hurt. Sometimes I feel that in spite of my efforts, my cry out to God with a desire to honor my parents and to honor my peers in CF by not taking personally their insults as well as their constant pointing out of my faults, I feel tired.

I feel exhausted trying to love them, to forgive them and even to focus on their positive points simply because the honor isn't mutual. I respect that they have differences (God knows if I've done otherwise and He will convict me and tell me if I'm wrong) in opinion relative to mine, but they don't seem to respect my opinions. All I've ever gotten from my peers at CF (some, not all) is constant dismissal of my thoughts and enthusiasm, a lack of empathy over some of the issues I go through and the usual "Oh she's just being a girl" stigma. As per my parents, it's always been about how I should control my temper and not let it overwhelm me, or how I shouldn't feel bothered or hurt by something if I've been completely healed by God. While it's true that if my emotional wounds were healed I wouldn't take offense over the things others say against me or against God's will for my life, I would really appreciate an apology. I find that the worst blows don't come from those who do not know God and have something to say about my faith, but from those who are walking with me and collectively striving to do our best for Christ.

Also, I cannot ask for those who do not abide by the same Christian values to say they're sorry because they do not understand. However, I'm often hurt when those who do know the value of an apology choose not to offer it anyway because of their pride. I know I shouldn't take offense and someday when I'm completely healed I won't, but as a person I feel the least anyone can do is to say they are sorry, no matter who's fault it is. I know I've done it before and I'm not saying I don't sometimes forget to say I'm sorry, but recently God has really been convicting me to apologize to people I've unconsciously uttered mean comments to, regardless of their level of sensitivity. If I need to be the salt and light of the earth, the least I can do is to ensure that the words I speak into the lives of others are building and if they have not been, I must rebuke it and own up for whatever I have said. It has been one of the most awkward and difficult endeavors I have attempted in my life, but knowing that God's plan and purpose for us is not to bring us destruction, but to prosper us and give us a hope and a future, it is the right thing to do that I must do it at all costs.

In a way, I guess that's my weakness. I'm still easily hurt by Christians, and I often put such high standards on them because I feel that as a person of God, the Heavenly Father would easily convict a person to do the things that please Him, such as honor. That's my ideal perspective. But we all know the world is not an ideal place, and every Christian is still learning to walk with God, which theoretically means some people have not reached that level of understanding or knowledge just yet. I should be more forgiving and understanding I suppose, instead of taking offense over every little thing those closest to me have said negatively. I'd still appreciate that apology though, and I feel people should stop assuming that a Christian who lacks patience now will always be a Christian who lacks patience. That isn't true, and we should stop labelling people for a certain vice, because God's duty is not to allow us to remain who we are, but to break us and mold us into better people. A painful process really, as I speak from current and past experience, but definitely worthwhile. The best we can do is to give them the benefit of the doubt, instead of predicting what their next course of action will be.

To sum it all up, the lesson learnt today is that not taking offense is part and parcel of overcoming pride. As human beings, pride is pretty much inevitable. It has always been about attaining what is in our best interests at the expense of someone else's joy. Sure, there are solutions that permit a reciprocity of benefits, but as humans we are always tempted to be dominant and to get what we want. The world is seen as a dog eat dog world, and an eye for an eye remains a key point in our relationships with others.

But what we must realize, or at least what I have realized from reading the Word is that these things that we see which build us, are the very things that destroy us. For the Bible says in Proverbs 16:18;

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.

And in James 4:6, which I find even more profound;

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

I'm glad I decided to write this post. Bottling up these feelings of pain and anxiety have been taxing, and I find being stuffed up in contempt just prevents us from hearing clearly the voice of God. I'm definitely hearing Him a lot clearer now as you may have picked up from some points in this post as I'm writing partly on my understanding of it all and what He has to say to what I think. I don't know if this counts as a testimony, and I surely don't know if this will connect or appeal with anyone, but I know that I'm not here to please anyone, but God. And if writing this is going to unleash worldly judgment upon me, so be it. I've done my part and I'm trusting God to take me to the next level.

If you made it to the end of this post, thank you. Thank you for staying with me. God bless you and have a splendid time ahead! Until next time :)

Not sorry for Planetshaking

In those three days, I praised Him like I'd never praise before.

I worshipped Him with all my might, with all my soul and with all my breath.

I cried so much in one night that I had no more tears to shed the nights after that.

I absorbed so much of the Word like a sponge and yet I still long for more.

I spoke and sang in tongues longer than I'd ever done before.

I paid attention to His voice and obeyed His commands in spite of the reluctance of my flesh.

I have rebuked and rejected the Devil's propositions so many times that I now only ever remember God was and is and will always be, VICTORIOUS.

I have been so patient with my family members these days that it's beginning to freak me out  (in a good way) just how God's strength is so immense.

I am so convicted that my only substantial fear is that I do not accomplish my life's purpose of going out to preach the Word and make disciples of all the nations before my time is come.

I have received so much love that I cannot allow myself to fall back into the hate I was once immersed in, but allow instead my love to overflow on others.

There has been so much I've been through in the days since the retreat and in those three days at Planetshakers that giving an account of it all within a couple of hours (that's how much time I take to write a post) would be absolutely IMPOSSIBLE. I could pull an all nighter and challenge myself to write everything down, but I'm honestly too busy trying to read the Word and live the Word that I may not have all the time in the world to record my journey. Nevertheless, I am trying my very hardest to keep an account of what God has done with my life and what He has shown me.

Instead of describing all my experiences in one lengthy post, the next couple of posts will be a series of short testimonies that I hope will adequately explain how amazing God has been in spite of the circumstances. I've got some of my points down, but I haven't really gotten around to edit the drafts into several cohesive units of writing. But I can assure you that these things will surface on this blog soon enough :)

Until then, you'll just have to stay put. Also, it doesn't matter whether you're Christian or not whenever you come across this blog and find another post dedicated to my faith. These words were meant to bless, to testify and to glorify God. You may be able to get some insight from some of the biblical principles stated here.

God bless all of you, and thank you - yes, YOU once again, for reading.

The flu bug

I haven't always been a fan of taking breaks on the basis of health circumstances, but I think I can let this one go. I've been taken aback by the virus that's been going around lately due to the fluctuating weather conditions and flurry of activity as the end of the year approaches, and am currently resting at home. I'm acutely aware that there's plenty of deadlines that need to be accommodated, but when the flu bug gets you - IT GETS YOU. Fortunately, I'm not as helpless as I was yesterday evening when I was down with conjunctivitis, flu, sore throat and mild body aches. As of now, only my throat is proving to be an absolute nuisance but I think I can take not being able to sing for the next couple of days than having to deal with a swollen eye in that same timeframe.

Earnestly, I think this unplanned hiatus is a blessing in disguise. I don't recall the last time I ever properly sat down on a decent enough chair and decently enough reflected on the battles I daily fought while allowing my mental wounds to heal. It's always been about getting something done, or spending time with people before they officially drift out of friendship and love, or even simply making sure not a second goes wasted in the day. Time and time again, I've unconsciously put everything else first and "I" just haven't made it into my own list of priorities yet. The supposition that work and loved ones are above all has overwhelmed me and the phrase "You can rest when you're dead" seems a rather legitimate motto to abide by as of late. Simply put, the notion of borrowed time permeates the very recesses of my mind, disallowing me from ever contemplating rest as a viable option. I guess all of this somewhat snowballed into one and sent me knocked off course for a bit.

And so the question arises - how have I fared recently? Physical maladies aside, I am quite well in most endeavors. The academic load never seems to decline as the pace has quickened lately, but I have been matching it rather well. As for CF and church, the end is speedily approaching with the occurrence of the CF picnic for the former and GY Camp in the latter. There's been a lot of proposals due and fundraising activities have been underway in the past few weeks, but I think it's safe to say that all activity has been effective in manner. Moreover, contributing to the fundraising has enabled me to bond with some of the youth leaders I haven't been speaking to in a while. Their constant encouragement has brought me back to cell again, which has inevitably expanded in my absence. There are so many newcomers lately that I have begun to lost track, but I praise God that His work continues to be done even in the midst of trial and tribulation.

I never imagined cell would have evolved into such a vibrant entity since the departure of key people who made cell what it was, but God is ever faithful by ushering in young blood whom I hope will someday carry on this legacy just as well. Similarly, time has seen me become the youth leader I signed up to be as I made difficult decisions with the intention of obeying and honoring God, and I've found myself relating to the younger and new attendees of cell as I share my testimony on how God has been faithful in upholding me throughout life in trying times. These little things are what reaffirm my faith and they remind me that I do not carry on in vain, but that a seed has been planted in the lives of others.

I wish I could stay here for as long as I want to and continue sharing with you the goodness of God and the curiosities that have struck my feeble mind, but I must rest. These pills are making me drowsy, and I need to harness enough energy to finish my assignments later in the day. Until I recover, you will just have to be satisfied with this brief account.

I must say this, though. If you've stuck with me since the very beginning you discovered this blog and have kept on reading, even in the midst of hiatus and in the midst of dreary, depressing posts, I thank you. I thank you that you've been faithful. I do not thank you for prying into my life and granting me attention - no, that is not my intention. But instead, I am grateful that every word has been read, that every photo has been savored visually and that every fiber of my soul that emanates through my work has acquainted itself with you. Writing is a passion. It connects my soul to yours, and yours to mine. There's really more to it than just words, it's the communing between two eager, anticipating souls.

So thank you for sticking with me through it all. Someday when I do publish my own books or write about the things that I feel and care for, I will look back and remember all of you. Know this, I will never forget my first batch of readers. Ever.

Counting stars

It's a shame I won't be going for OneRepublic in October. Anyhow, I ought to remind myself that patience is a virtue — it'll be worth it when I hit the States and hopefully, attend a Coldplay gig. Everything else really is secondary, gig-wise.

Since I completed my finals last Monday, I've had an early end to the summer semester and a three week break on my hands. A large part of me is pleased that I am now entitled to participate in all the activities I've been putting off since this short and frantic semester began, but I cannot say that I am entirely happy with the current arrangements. I know fairly well that I must utilize the break to it's full potential and ensure that last semester's folly does not repeat itself, but planning is easier said than done. I presently have a few ideas in my mind, but the lack of organization and required funds continuously resonates as unfeasible, much to my dismay.

I suppose I shall defuse the lack of organization by first making a list of activities I intend to immerse myself in.

Leisure :

1. Finish reading Chobsky's Perks of Being a Wallflower

2. Commence reading Mo Yan's Red Sorghum and Pamuk's The Museum of Innocence (and fingers crossed, complete it by the end of the semester break)

3. Learn to bake at least 2 items provided on the SORTED food website (I've settled for strawberry shortcake for my first culinary adventure!)

4. Watch the Gran Torino (kinda pointless since I no longer have Cross-cultural comm but oh well)

5. Watch some other movies because I haven't hit the cinema since the last semester break ended

6. Try out the Escape Room at e@Curve, someday

Travel :

1. Embark on a trip to Penang Island with a bunch of my college mates

2. Take on a day-trip food adventure in Ipoh with Nick and Dennis

3. Head down to KL for a photo walk (doesn't seem feasible though since I don't have any photography enthusiasts in my current college circle, but we'll see)

Servanthood/Work :

1. Update CF database weekly with newcomers' details
2. Check CF e-mail (gotta do this err day)

3. Attend CF during sem break

4. Get template for birthday bookmarks from Voon Ann and initiate printout

5. Help Esther out with decor at Youth Alpha on Sundays

6. Get people at Uth to join cell

7. Complete hours at the merch store for scholar's work (never ending, it seems. Sigh.)

Well, well, I've certainly got my hands full. Ah, c'est la vie.

On a lighter note, I spent my first day of freedom yesterday attending CF and engaging in conversation with a few of my college mates on campus. Pertaining to CF, I think things were a little chaotic. I asked to switch roles with Joshua who was the emcee for the day so I could put off writing the attendance (there were plenty of new faces and I couldn't keep track!) and take advantage of his late-coming, thinking it'd be an easier task. But boy, I was wrong. Although I'd written down the sequence of events on a slip of paper, I totally blanked out at the sight of the much larger crowd that day. I did carry on with the emceeing, but I think I did a pretty terrible job yesterday. I just wasn't prepared. And I solemnly vowed to never emcee at CF again. I'll probably find the courage to try it again sometime, but it won't be any soon. And to think that I was uber self-confident and all that other stuff to do with superiority complexes.

But there was a lesson learnt in the midst of all that chaos; what I did yesterday was out of my own strength, and it should have been God working through me. This literally means I gotta do my devotions and read the Word fervently!

In spite of the disaster I wreaked in emceeing, I was really encouraged by the testimonies shared by the YWAM team. There were testimonies of what God had done in their lives through YWAM and a brief sermon on evangelism by one of the YWAM-ers. It really sparked a thought in me about how simple evangelism really is in spite of our fears and inhibitions, and it reminded me that it is always the work of the Holy Spirit and never ourselves that people are brought into salvation. As of now, I'm determined to get involved in outreach — serving in Youth Alpha is part of the baby steps I'm taking in pursuit of that.

With regards to my recent social endeavors, I've been allocating a fair amount of time engaging in conversations with my college mates and youth group. I don't have much to say about the former, given that I spend a considerably large amount of time with them on campus, at food places and such. And as the saying goes — same shiznit, different day, I've begun to see a lack of purpose in engaging with them as a whole devotedly. The only other thing that draws my attention is perhaps the fact that I've not been able to fully vindicate a specific someone of their doing, and it has continued to affect personal relationships without cause. I've surrendered the cause to prayer and I'm only hoping some divine intervention will take place, as absurd as it seems to you presumably faith-lacking lot. But we'll just have to wait and see.

As for the latter, I've been feeling a little excluded and isolated lately. Some of the youths were at the gala dinner the other day, and they took a group photo together, all decked out in formal wear for the night. I was a little apprehended honestly, given that I wasn't even aware anyone had made plans to attend the gala dinner. And to think that my parents were attending as well, and they hadn't bothered to ask if I was interested to go. I guess weeks of hostility and bitterness can go a long way, if left unresolved. Lately it seems as if my parents have left me completely to my own devices, but I suppose I should be spending more time with them. They're probably afraid to initiate it anyway, so I might as well make the first move. Entering adulthood isn't that fun after all, especially when your parents take you for granted.

Whoaaa. This post escalated pretty quickly.

I'll stop here for today. Hopefully some of those items on the list above get crossed out soon, and I'll be a little more productive later on. Au revoir.

The stress factor

Do bear with me if I'm not linguistically up to par at the moment, because I'm on the verge of burning out. As much as I'd hate to say it, fading away is much better than burning out because at this rate I'm not about to burst into fireworks - I'm bound to explode.

Having reinforced the notion of spontaneous combustion, I shall move on to the more personal albeit dreary accounts of my life (social, academic, whatever man). So what does one have to know briefly about my current daily undertakings? I shall begin by stressing on how, uh, well, stressed I suppose, I am. I'm honestly to exhausted to come up with perfectly structured sentences with choice vocabulary, so I shall deviate from common ground and choose the most menial of methods, which is to make a list.

Yes, a list. My dear readers, do not underestimate the power of lists. They can literally make or break you, depending on the circumstances you're ensconced in, of course. In my case, lists have the propensity to remind me that I am still alive and that there is constantly something to attend to every single day and if I don't commit myself to these tasks in a timely manner I will die. Literally.

Okay perhaps not, but you get the idea.

Signs that show I am stressed : 

1. The number of times I smile in a day decreases drastically.
2. I do not stop to converse, or even bid anyone hello for that matter.
3. My voice alters to a more serious (and sometimes extremely masculine) tone. Also, this is applicable to sore throats.
4. Everyone that gets in my way is an enemy during a crucial period of time. I kid you not.
5. I constantly fidget with my laptop and type excessively speedily.
6. I do not practice tact AT ALL. Like seriously, if you're just going to poke humor into my work, just f*** off.
7. If you persist with No. 6, I will be unafraid to lash out at you. And I won't be abashed either.
8. I start questioning lecturers of the possibility of retaking a certain subject in the next semester.
9. Telling me to calm down and not give any further input usually doesn't work.
10. I zone out. Literally.
11. I talk a lot. And I mean, A LOT. Most of which is irrelevant and may sound like gibberish. 

And in the midst of all the pandemonium, there's been a series of social misfortunes that have taken place just as well. It's almost as if life took it too seriously when I muttered, "Can it get any worse?!" with regards to my busy academic life and co-curricular activities, and spontaneously threw in the severing of ties between a good friend of mine with the group he was, and I still am acquainted with. I can earnestly say that I am absolutely clueless as to how to go about with it, since this friend of mine possesses a rather immobile frame of mind and everyone else is utterly confused and somewhat appalled by his behavior, either refusing to delve into the situation or remain ignorant. I won't go further into these details since I've promised to remain discrete, but politics within a group of friends is a concept I am rather unfamiliar with, and would prefer not to tread into.

On a lighter note, the CF retreat was a rather productive and interesting endeavor. I do believe that it is safe to say that I've become quite well acquainted and comfortable with my fellow committee members, and have a clear understanding on what everyone's personalities are like, thanks to the DISC assessment. I've already known what kind of personality I had since I took the test last year during GY Camp, but taking it again this year with the committee members was a different thing altogether. I received similar results in comparison with the last test, reinforcing my key trait as a D, which stands for dominance. Strangely enough, I was the only committee member with a D characteristic in the sea of Is (inducement), Ss (submission) and Cs (compliance). As of now I will not attempt to foretell who my conflicting personalities are and refuse to put people into boxes (as tempting as it is), but I am definitely looking forward to see what God has in store for me in serving for CF (as well as see who would dare push my buttons, heh).

I guess I've come to the end of the post as there are more important things for me to attend to, although I do find ranting an effective method of stress-release. But I think I've had my share, and now I will have to move on with my life. Au revoir!